Prince Hot Ginge Is Just Checking To Make Sure The Royal Jewels Are Looking Good

Or maybe Prince Hot Ginge is pulling up his pants to try to take away the gold medal in bulging from Henrik Rummel. It’s not working. Try harder, PHG!

One thing I learned while looking at pictures of PHG snorting an invisible coke line and giving himself a near-sighted sobriety test at an Olympic cycling event yesterday is that before you pull out your shank.gif and point it at a picture of what you think is a ginge-stealing trollop tramp, you should make sure that he’s not related to her. Because that ginge-stealing trollop tramp who made the sun’s ovaries explode by pinching his cheeks is his auntie Princess Caroline. Sorry, Prince Caroline, and please keep up your tribute to Aunt Hetty’s hair!

It’s The Little Things: Tom Hardy Sucking On A Water Bottle

If you’re planning to see The Dark Knight Rises (or Cheech & Chong Presents: The Dark Knight Lights Up as Rush Limbaugh calls it) in IMAX this weekend, then you’re probably reading this while camping out in line so you don’t have to sit in the front row with the dumb hos who didn’t wait hours in advance before the movie starts. Seriously. My not-knowing ass went on Fandango yesterday afternoon to buy tickets to an IMAX showing on Friday night. You know how you’re laughing at me right now? Fandango did the same thing before re-directing me to the site: inyourfuckingdreams.stupidbitch. A lot of IMAX showings have been sold out for weeks and some people are even selling their tickets for up to $100 on eBay. Crazies.

But you know, I shouldn’t even bothering seeing that shit when I can instead spend my Friday night with a bottle of Sun Peak Peach, a copy of Photoshop, this picture of Tom Hardy with a bottle in his mouth at the London premiere of TDKR and all kinds of clip art. That’s all I need to birth out my new Tumblr: Tom Hardy Sucking On Things.

Not only is Tom Hardy sucking the tip of the luckiest water bottle in the world, but he’s doing it while wearing a suit and a trench coat. That is the place where SWOON goes to really swoon. And since we’re on the subject of swooning out of our chonies, I also threw in some pictures of Prince Hot Ginge at last night’s premiere. Congratulations to us all!

Panty Creamer Of The Day: ScarJo’s Bodyguard

To celebrate the fact that she’s getting paid $19,999,999.50 too much to mumble out lines in the next Avengers movie, ScarJo rolled around on a yacht in Taormina, Italy today with a friend and her piping hot, panty pudding-churning bodyguard. I read a rumor last week, or so, that ScarJo auditioned to be Bradley Cooper’s latest beard and that she’s no longer getting on that Nate Naylor dude, but I don’t know the exact goings-on of her punane. Whatever her situation currently is, she should still pull some The Bodyguard shit and get on the piece that’s protecting her multi-million dollar chichis. That dude is like the epitome of the late 80s and ScarJo needs to take her coochie time traveling.

Dude is like late 80s Charlie Sheen meets Jose Canseco’s hair part meets Baywatch Nights-era The Hoff meets the sunglasses section of a Florida gas station circa 1989. I bet he always smells like Hawaiian Tropic dark tanning oil, drives an ’87 yellow Camaro, has a bathroom cabinet stocked with Nair, calls everyone “boss” and sleeps on a waterbed covered with a black panther comforter. Don’t even get me started about how hot he looks when he makes a call on his brick cell phone. Swoon. And swoon.

Ride That Brody Ass, Gurl, Ride It!

These are the greatest pictures I’ve ever seen of an Afghan Hound getting groomed on a boat.


Adrien Brody (aka the only hot piece whose hung nose I’d sit and spin on) and his girlfriend Lara Lieto are on a yacht in the South of France somewhere and when you’re on a fancy boat with a humanized Afghan Hound, you do whatever it takes to make sure he’s squeaky clean at all times. You dip your hands into his swim chonies and knock the dingles dangling all of his luscious ass hairs. While you’re down there, you pinch at his no-no lips a little bit to really make him drop, pucker and pop. Then you move your hand to his front and knock away all the crabs in his bush before making sure that he’s completely cheese-free down there. This IS love.

The only thing I ask of Lara, is that the next time she takes Adrien from behind and does the “boning that ass with my clit” pose, can she please wear this t-shirt over her bikini? It would make my life a whole lot easier if I only had to Photoshop my head over her instead of my head AND torso. Thanks, bitch.

Too Many Clothes Were Worn At Last Night’s Magic Mike Premiere

Joe ManJello spends at least 19 hours of his day lifting heavy things and trying to lick his peen tip while doing crunches, so he owes it to himself and everyone else to show off all that hard work by never wearing clothes in public again. Which is why I CAN’T with him for wearing a guido’s funeral suit to the premiere of the movie where his nipples are out for most of it. Who the hell wears clothes to the premiere of a movie about man strippers? Seeing all these dudes in suits has confirmed to me that I don’t want to see all these dudes in suits. As Reese Witherspoon said to Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway, “Take all them panties off, mister!” That goes for Matthew McConaughey, Adam Rodriguez, Alex Pettyfer, Channing Tatum and Matt Boner. Okay, maybe not Channing Tatum. He can stand in the corner while holding all of the other dudes’ clothes. Somebody has to.

I’ve already made plans to see this Magic Mike mess on Saturday and that gives Jesus plenty of time to show himself by converting this shit to IMAX 3D. Actually, scratch that. If you’re going to ask Jesus for something, you should really ask Jesus for something. Please make the screen at my showing burst into flames and make Alex Petmyfur, Adam Rodriguez, Matt Boner and Joe ManJello save the day by strolling in and letting the operator show the movie on their bare ass cheeks. Make me a believer!

Hugh Jackman’s Hairy Nipples Will Heal Me

Don’t you hate it when you go to bed healthy and you wake up in the middle of the night with the full-on sicks. The inside of your head is pounding on the walls of your skull, your limbs fall into a temporary sloth coma, the shivers cover your body, you hack up Slimer jizz and you now know what Hugh Hefner’s hos feel like when they look at themselves in the mirror after riding his dehydrated earth worm dick. That’s how I feel and it’s not right. Usually, those bitch ass viral germs give me a few warnings before completely attacking me, so I can put up a good fight by overdosing on Airborne and that ginger, honey, lemon crap my mom makes me drink. But those shifty germs played dirty and jumped my ass in my sleep. Rude whores.

So because of this, I’m thankful that these pictures of Hugh Jackman sunning his fur nips at a beach in Barcelona exist. Do they make me feel better? Not totally, but at least I have something pretty to look at while I freebase DayQuil.