Hugh Jackman’s Hairy Nipples Will Heal Me

Don’t you hate it when you go to bed healthy and you wake up in the middle of the night with the full-on sicks. The inside of your head is pounding on the walls of your skull, your limbs fall into a temporary sloth coma, the shivers cover your body, you hack up Slimer jizz and you now know what Hugh Hefner’s hos feel like when they look at themselves in the mirror after riding his dehydrated earth worm dick. That’s how I feel and it’s not right. Usually, those bitch ass viral germs give me a few warnings before completely attacking me, so I can put up a good fight by overdosing on Airborne and that ginger, honey, lemon crap my mom makes me drink. But those shifty germs played dirty and jumped my ass in my sleep. Rude whores.

So because of this, I’m thankful that these pictures of Hugh Jackman sunning his fur nips at a beach in Barcelona exist. Do they make me feel better? Not totally, but at least I have something pretty to look at while I freebase DayQuil.