To celebrate the fact that she’s getting paid $19,999,999.50 too much to mumble out lines in the next Avengers movie, ScarJo rolled around on a yacht in Taormina, Italy today with a friend and her piping hot, panty pudding-churning bodyguard. I read a rumor last week, or so, that ScarJo auditioned to be Bradley Cooper’s latest beard and that she’s no longer getting on that Nate Naylor dude, but I don’t know the exact goings-on of her punane. Whatever her situation currently is, she should still pull some The Bodyguard shit and get on the piece that’s protecting her multi-million dollar chichis. That dude is like the epitome of the late 80s and ScarJo needs to take her coochie time traveling.
Dude is like late 80s Charlie Sheen meets Jose Canseco’s hair part meets Baywatch Nights-era The Hoff meets the sunglasses section of a Florida gas station circa 1989. I bet he always smells like Hawaiian Tropic dark tanning oil, drives an ’87 yellow Camaro, has a bathroom cabinet stocked with Nair, calls everyone “boss” and sleeps on a waterbed covered with a black panther comforter. Don’t even get me started about how hot he looks when he makes a call on his brick cell phone. Swoon. And swoon.