FYI, The Rock Eats Coochie 

Thanks to an unearthed interview from 2014, everyone sent their thoughts and prayers to the poon of DJ Khaled’s wife Nicole Tuck (although, would you want DJ Khaled’s mouth on your poon?) after he said that he doesn’t lick the cooch. Because according to DJ Khaled, men are kings and kings get serviced, they don’t do any servicing. And you know DJ Dick Fart doesn’t do the gentlemanly thing of lifting his FUPA before his wife goes down on him, and you also know that he screams DJ KHAAAAAAAAAALED while she’s doing it.

Evan Rachel Wood, Smash Mouth, and even the dictionary dragged DJ Khaled. The Rock also got into the subject and made it clear that he licks the box like a mic at a WWE match.

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Sammy Sosa Is On The Range….

I’m not a baseball fan but even I’ve heard of Sammy Sosa. But I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup for a million dollars and from the looks of things, Sammy would like to keep it that way. Recently, a barely recognizable Sammy two-stepped out dressed like a he’s got an audition for a reboot of White Chicks called Coyboyz: The Legend of Sammy’s Gold.

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Panty Creamer Of The Day: Charlie Hunnam In A Suit

After a day of posts about Lyme disease fakers, Suge Knight shit, Shia LaBeouf going nuts again and the death of Don Rickles, what we all need is a dose Charlie Hunnam in a suit. I won’t even ruin this moment by copy and pasting a new quote he dribbled out about ignoring his girlfriend for months for the sake of his art. Not today.

Charlie, seen above working a Parasite Hilton wonk eye, put on his best movie star drag for last night’s Hollywood premiere of The Lost City of Z. Charlie has a true Hollywood glow about him and I’m talking about that damn thick bronzer. Charlie’s makeup artist must’ve set the bronzer gun to “Real Housewife At A Reunion Show” and went wild. Trick looks like he’s been making out and rubbing his face against Mr. Jay from America’s Next Top Model, and yes I want pictures.

Charlie is also the opposite of Stephanie “Excuse My Beauty” Yellowhair, because while she likes tans on her legs, not face, he likes tans on his face, not the rest of his body. Charlie is new-ish to this movie star thing, so I’ll forgive him for not matching his hands to his face.

And here’s more pictures from last night’s premiere including Robert Pattinson (working hair that I’m guessing was cut by a hyperactive toddler with safety scissors), Sienna Miller (who wore a dress made of crib skirts) and a skinny Brad Pitt who was dressed like a grandpa going to an off track betting place.

Pics: Wenn.com

Sex Is Part Of Charlie Hunnam’s Regular Fitness Routine

Charlie Hunnam had to put lots of muscles on his body for his last three movies, including the ones he’s promoting now, The Lost City Of Z. Charlie talked to Men’s Health about how he got so ripped, and he said he did it by quitting weed, working out a lot (duh) and pretty much existing on the model diet (coffee and cigarettes). Charlie does it all when it comes to work out stuff, and one of the exercise techniques he counts on the most to keep his body hot is fucking.

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Panty Creamer Of The Day: Prince Hot Ginge In Uniform

Two days after Prince Hot Ginge confirmed that he’s full-time doing Meghan Markle and asked the tabloids to stop being a mess, he sashayed before his subjects in his uniform at Westminster Abbey’s Field of Remembrance. The Telegraph says that PHG wore his hot Household Division frock coat while laying small wooden crosses in memory of those who died while fighting for Britain. PHG was there with his grandaddy Prince Philip. And I’m sure Prince Philip kept shushing the disrespectful tricks who wouldn’t stop cooing while watching PHG walk in those cha cha heels. If I was there and Prince Philip snapped at me to stop howling, I’d have to tell him it’s not my mouth howling, it’s my b-hole and I can’t control that.

UsWeekly says that PHG’s American girlfriend Meghan Markle is in London right now. She’s on a short hiatus from her show Suits. The source says she’s staying at PHG’s place at Kensington Palace. The source also dribbled out this eye roll-inducing stream of pure sap:

“Meghan was able to find time to visit Harry. It won’t be a long visit as they both have packed schedules, but they’re always so happy to be together. They have so much in common. You can’t not fall in love with them as a couple after spending time around them together.”

Once I finished dry heaving over the cheesiness of that last line, I realized something. If Meghan is there right now, then she was probably at his place when he came home… in uniform. So she probably got to do him while he kept his hat and cha cha heels on, and as Up Where We Belong played in the background. She’s living a fanfic dream, only it’s real. Damn her!

Pics: Wenn.com

Panty Creamer Of The Day: A Wet, Topless And Stach’d Milo Ventimiglia

Because Mondays are grosser than that mocos tissue your frugal abuelita used until no clean spots were available (What? Just mine?), here’s some wet man nipples to make it a little less grosser.

Ellen DeGeneres called in sick to her show and so the producers pulled out a list of possible substitutes. Every single person, animal, plant and inanimate object on that list must’ve been busy, because they settled for Miley Cyrus. I mean, Billy Ray Cyrus’ half-eaten Taco Party Pack would’ve made a better host. But Miley’s episode wasn’t that awful and that’s solely because of the wet nipples belonging to Milo Ventimigilia. (Fun fact: Ventimiglia is Italian for “large Starbucks cup of man hotness.“)

Milo has already said that he doesn’t mind that millions of eyeballs have scooped up a piece of bare nalgas, so of course he didn’t mind taking his top off for the sake of charity on Ellen Miley. Starting at the 3:43 mark, Milo and Miley (which sounds like the name of the most annoying kid’s show on the Disney Channel) play that game where he gets half-naked and sits in a splash tank while she tries to get him wet with pink balls. Ellen gets a celebrity dude half-naked every year to raise money for breast cancer research.

And I think the cherry on top of this panty creaming sundae (Why did I write that?) is the stache that Milo’s been working for a minute, because it makes him look like the star of an early-80s porn parody of Magnum P.I. called Magnum P.I. (Penis Investigator).

Pic: Warner Bros.