John Stamos Wanted Elizabeth Olsen To Play Michelle Tanner In “Fuller House”

As everyone knows, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen aren’t in Fuller House, because they’re way too busy searching Africa for an endangered black rhino to hunt and turn into a bag that they’ll sell for $90,000 at Barney’s. John Stamos is out whoring the show and during a talk with Howard Stern today, he said that after a little mix-up, he eventually talked to Mary-Kate about doing it. Mary-Kate seemed into it, but said that she and Ashley were scared to act because they don’t consider themselves actresses anymore. Um, did Mary-Kate and Ashley forget their impeccable performances in the underrated masterpiece Holiday In The Sun? Acting is obviously in their veins! When Mary-Kate and Ashley officially said fuck no to Fuller House, John Stamos got a great idea. John told the producers that they should ask the Trollsens’ sister Elizabeth Olsen to do it. John Stamos may or may not have been messed up on GHB when he came up with that idea. John told Andy Cohen on his SiriusXM show that Elizabeth Olsen’s agent wasn’t into it at all and basically said, “No way Jose!” via E!

“We actually went to—I don’t think this has been talked about…I didn’t do it, I think Jeff Franklin did—I said, ‘Call the sister [Elizabeth Olsen]. Ask her’…We talked to her agent and her agent was like, ‘Come on she’s not going to do that,’ but we did call her agent,” Stamos told Cohen on his SiriusXM talk show RadioAndy.

“That would’ve been kind of genius…I mean take kinda out of that sentence,” Cohen said.

“Yeah,” Stamos replied.

Mary-Kate and Ashley also have two brothers, so I wonder if those desperate producers begged either of them to throw a yellow mop on their head to play Michelle Tanner? If the producers were that hard-up to get Michelle Tanner to make an appearance, they should’ve just left a trail of squirrel nails (aka the Trollsens’ favorite snack) from Mary-Kate and Ashley’s spot on the bridge to the studio. As soon as Mary-Kate and Ashley showed up to the studio, they could’ve filmed them real quick before those two figured out what was going on and disappeared in a cloud of black smoke.

Pic: Getty

Mary-Kate Olsen Might Have Gotten Married On Friday

I’m saying “might have“, because we have yet to receive a press release (ie. a bundle of Blair Witch-style sticks with the words JUST MARRIED written across it in black paint and hand-delivered by The Babadook) from tiny pocket witch Mary-Kate Olsen about this whole wedding situation. But Page Six is saying that yes, one half of Michelle Tanner got married on Friday night to her French banker boyfriend of three years, Olivier Sarkozy.

A source says that 29-year-old Mary-Kate made it legal with Nicolas Sarkozy’s 46-year-old half-brother in front of 50 guests on Friday night at a private residence in Manhattan. Guests were told to hand over their cellphones, so no one has any picture evidence of Mary-Kate’s special day. But don’t worry, I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before pictures of her fancy rich witch wedding end up in the pages of Vogue or Creepy Haunted Victorian Doll Weekly (probably the first one, definitely the second one).

This isn’t the first time Mary-Kate might have gotten married to her French banker boyfriend. Last year, there were whispers going around that the she had gotten secret married to Olivier. So this could be another false alarm. I guess we’ll only know for sure once we receive confirmation that Uncle Jesse definitely wasn’t invited.

Out of all the things we don’t know about Mary-Kate’s maybe-wedding, we do know this: apparently the theme of the reception was cigarettes. A source claims they were treated to “bowls and bowls filled with cigarettes, and everyone smoked the whole night.” Cigarettes! All the cigarettes. I’m sure Mary-Kate also walked down the aisle carrying a bouquet of American Spirits instead of flowers, exchanged lighters instead of rings, and dug into a giant wedding cake made out of packs of gum. And yes, I totally just pictured Mary-Kate calling up her wedding planner like: “Instead of doves, can we release some crows at the end of the ceremony? And can they be carrying cigarettes in their mouths? No? Forget it then.”

Pic: Splash

The Olsens Have Been Sued By Interns Who Say They Were Overworked And Unpaid

A group of extremely brave souls are rising up against the dark lemurs of fashion, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, because they claim that they were basically treated like slave laborers while interning for the fashion label The Row. When those dark-sided Olsens get through with those traitors, they’re really going to know the meaning of “slave labor,” because they’ll be banished to Hell where they’ll have to spend every minute of the day making CROCs for Lucifer.

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John Stamos Tried To Get The Olsens Fired From Full House

I always thought that 99% of the stuff in Lifetime’s “unauthorized” movies were completely made up or snatched from fanfiction sites, but I was wrong. Some of that stuff is true. Lifetime released a clip from their future Emmy sweeper “The Unauthorized Full House Story” where John Stamos (played by Miley Cyrus’ ex-piece Justin Gaston) tries to get the Olsens replaced because they won’t stop crying. At the Television Critics Association’s press tour in Beverly Hills yesterday, John said that it really happened. John got producers to switch out the Olsens, but the new babies they got were fugly gingers, so Mary-Kate and Ashley were brought back. via Vulture

“It’s sort of true that the Olsen twins cried a lot. It was very difficult to get the shot. So I [gesturing], ‘Get them out…!’ That is actually 100 percent accurate. They brought in a couple of unattractive redheaded kids. We tried that for a while and that didn’t work. [Producers] were like, all right, get the Olsen twins back. And that’s the story.”

It makes sense that the Olsens are the only living things on the planet who aren’t charmed by John Stamos.

But really, is John Stamos God’s chosen one who is protected by an invisible barrier and an army of angels? Because he tried to get the Olsens fired from the job that helped them become the multi-millionaire fashion evilings they are today AND he recently called them liars. How is it possible that they haven’t skinned him alive, turned his hide into a caftan, slapped their brand label on it and sold it at Barney’s for $14,000? Oikos yogurt must be like kryptonite to millionaire goth gnomes.

Pic: ABC

Netflix Teases That The Olsens May Guest Star On “Fuller House” After All

There’s no way Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are going to lower themselves by play acting with mere mortals in the Full House reboot Fuller House, because they’re way too rich and they’re way too busy designing $16,000 endangered rhino caftans for their fashion label. But I still hoped it would happen, because I really feel like I need to see one or two of those bridge trolls of darkness fight the urge to shrivel up and slither out the exit door while acting in the cheesiest and most wholesome sitcom ever. When the reboot was announced, the Olsens said that they were thinking about doing an episode, but it was later announced that they want no part of it. And that was that until this morning…

Variety says that at the Television Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills, CA today, the head ho of Netflix said that there’s a chance Michelle Tanner may make an appearance in Fuller House.

“The Olsen twins are teetering whether or not they’ll be around,” Netflix boss Ted Sarandos said Tuesday morning at the Television Critics Association press tour in Beverly Hills, Calif.

Tuesday morning, Sarandos also told the room of reporters that the first episode of the “Full House” sequel shot last week. He explained that the streaming service was hot on reviving the series, as the show “never really went away” and is a cross-generational property that has performed well in syndication over the years.

Teetering.. I know what they’re doing. Those tricky little tricksters are screwing with Neflix’s emotions, because they can. They probably call up Netflix and say that they’ll do a few episodes of Fuller House and are sending over the contract. When their carrier black crow drops the contract off at Netflix’s offices, Ted Sarandos unrolls it and sees the word “SIKE” written in blood on it. (Fun fact: “Sike” is 90s for “psych.”) Then the Olsens “bleehehehe” into the cold night air, because fucking with people brings them joy. They do that a couple of times a week.

But in WAY more important Fuller House news, Kimmy Gibbler posted this picture on Instagram last week:

I wish I could un-drink all 10 million cups of coffee I’ve guzzled down over the years (I’m low-balling with that number). Because I haven’t truly drank a cup of coffee until I’ve drank it out of a Gibbler’s Coffee cup.

Pic: Wenn.com

The Olsens Aren’t Going To Be In Fuller House

After the Netflix reboot that EVERYONE (aka just me) asked for was announced, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen played like nobody talked to them about it. John Stamos must know that Greek yogurt is like Kryptonite to a bohemian forest troll, because he risked his life by calling them liars. The Olsens said that they were going to talk to Bob Saget about it . Their conversation probably went something like this:

Bob Saget: So are you guys going to do it?

Olsens: Bleheheheheheheheheh!! *click*

The executive producer of Fuller House tells The Wrap that the Olsens will not join Kimmy Gibbler, Stephanie Tanner, DJ Tanner, Uncle Jesse and Joey in the reboot. They have decided that they didn’t want to take time away from running their fashion empire. Translation: They are way too good and way too rich for that shit.

“Although Ashley and Mary-Kate will not be a part of ‘Fuller House,’ I know how much ‘Full House’ has meant to them and they are still very much considered family. It has been exciting to see how they have built their professional careers, and I support their choice to focus on their fashion brands and various business endeavors. I appreciate their support and good wishes towards ‘Fuller House.’”

Sure, the producers could always get The Conjuring doll to play a grown up Michelle, but it wouldn’t be the same. The Conjuring doll is way too alive in the eyes and so not scary enough to play an Olsen.