Good News, OctoMom Is Open To Doing Fap Porn

Seen here making the “giving two handjobs to two men on stilts” pose, OctoMom has swore on her arch-less minus sign brows that she’d do almost anything for money, but one thing she will never do for a check is rub her c-section scar on another naked human being. Howard Stern called into the whatcomesafterz-lister chat line, Dial-A-Star, and paid the $14 a minute rate to have phone sex with Octo. Click here if you need to hear that today, but if you’d much rather assault your eyes than assault your ears with Octo’s “toddler after taking its first hit of meth” voice, I’ve transcribed it below:

HS: How you doing, honey?

OM: (giggles)

HS: Why can’t you just chill a little bit?

OM: IknowImsohighstrungIthinkpeoplekingofgetoffonthatbutthen..

HS: I bet you’re a good kisser.

OM: EWWW! Idontknowitsgotcobwebsdownthererambleramble-

HS: I’m picturing my cock in your mouth to shut you up.

OM: I got icicles everywhere. Everywhere. Soyoudjustrambleramble-

HS: It doesn’t matter. I’m trying to have phone sex with you.

OM: It doesn’t matter iciclesrambleramble-

HS: Why don’t you grab one of those diapers and shove it in your bleep hole-

OM: ramblerambleramblerambleramrambleramble

Then, Gina, the madam of the Dial-A-Star, told Howard that she’s trying to convince Octo to accept pornier offers including tapping her exit only baby chute on camera. Howard asked Octo about doing solo porn and she said that she’s thinking about it:

“I don’t know yet. I’d have to really reflect on that. It depends on how much I’m offered.

The only thing I’ll never do is give my body to another for money. That’s one thing I’ll never do…I don’t want them to have any resentment 20 years from now.”

Oh, Octo doesn’t have to worry about her child army resenting her for doing porn. They’re going to resent her either way. They can’t even spell “resentment” and they already know they resent her crazy ass. You know who I resent? Howard Stern. I resent him for putting the image of a diaper dildo in my head. I also resent myself, because while typing that headline, I was a few keystrokes away from accidentally typing “pap smear porn” instead. Even I can’t Google that last one… (Okay, I just did and why am I not surprised that Vanessa Hudgens came up as the second picture?)

OctoMom Is On Welfare Now

If Elmo’s sucio ass didn’t pay for that bus time handy from OctoMom then he better FedEx her a cashiers check ASAP, because ho needs money now more than ever. I don’t know how they did it, but TMZ somehow got a hold of (cut to OctoGranny with an oh-so-guilty “It wuzzint me!” look on her face) a picture of an EBT card with OctoMom’s government name on it.

TMZ points out that Octo swore on her fame-making uterus in the past that she’d never open her hands to government assistance, but with 14 hungry eating holes to fill and her offers drying up faster than her relevancy, she had to raise the Help A Bitch Out flag. Octo makes less than $119,000 a year and has 15 mouths to feed, so she qualifies for a $2000 monthly food only allowance from the State of California. TMZ source’s say that Octo is also trying to cut her monthly expenses by pulling all but one child (who is autistic) from private school.

A bitch can argue that Octo did this to herself, but those 10 thousand million chirruns didn’t do this to themselves and they gotta eat. Damn. If crazy was a protein, they could nibble on the crazy their mom gives off, but it ain’t. I’m assuming Octo has some kind of other income falling into her wallet, because I don’t know how $2,000 can feed a family of 15 for a whole month. That’s like one shopping trip to Whole Foods. Those kids are gonna have to go on the college diet (Top Ramen, popcorn and Boone’s Farm).

Octo needs to enroll in reality show boot camp. Bitch needs to spend time with the Extreme Couponers to learn how to buy $1,000 worth of groceries for six pennies. Then she needs to spend time with the Duggars to learn how to make laundry soap out of baby saliva. And finally, she needs to spend a lot time with Ma from Ma’s Roadhouse, but only because I want to see Ma smack Octo with some nicotine-stained truth.

And I officially HATE myself for playing this song in my head as soon as I read about Octo’s welfare woes:

Sometimes I just want to log out of my own brain. (I’m setting myself up for that one, I know.)

OctoMom Talked To Her Child Army About Taking Her Top Off For A Check

On an episode of The Mah Boo Fun Time Hour of Giggles airing today, The Silver Fox puts his giggle on hold to talk to Michelle Duggar’s partner in populating, OctoMom, about those awkward half-nekkid pictures of her pulled and pricked baby machine making body in Closer Magazine. TMZ said that Octo pulled her chichis out for ten thousand dollars, but she tells Anderson that she got $1,000 for each octuplet. For those of you who have the adding skills of a Simpson, that’s $8,000! I couldn’t even get an offer of 8 expired game tickets from Bullwinkle’s to put my nipples on display, so good on you, Octo.

Octo also tells Anderson that she shit on most of the offers thrown at her (including a $1 million offer from Vivid to give birth to a peen, backwards), because they went against her morals. But when the eviction notices started piling up on her doorstep and she was a checking account withdrawal away from the homeless shelter, she loosened her morals and pulled her top off. But it was a hard decision for Octo. Octo spent more time thinking about taking her clothes off than she spent thinking about whether or not she should let a back alley certified doctor shove 8 fucking embryos up into her body. But before Octo said yes to undress, she gathered her 14 children around and talked it over with them. Octo’s oldest kid is around 10 years old and her youngest are all 3 years old, so that conversation must have been fun for everyone around:

Octo: “Okay, kids, we’re thisclose to selling mud pies on the freeway off ramp, so mama has to pull her feeding bags out for rent money. All in favor, raise your hands. Oh damn, I can’t see anything. I don’t know if it’s because the lights are off in my head or if it’s because ConEd turned the lights off in the house again.”

Octo is doing what she has to do to put half of Food 4 Less on the dinner table each night, but how many more $8k offers is she going to get? Octo is going about it the wrong way. What she needs to do is put all of her 14 kids in brown curly wigs down to their ankles and find a way to get them to the Duggar compound. Michelle Duggar won’t even notice, and if she does, put those 14 kids in flowers costumes. Because the three things Michelle Duggar can’t say no to are: her own children, flowers and Jim Bob’s sperm. (Plan C: Put those 14 kids in Jim Bob sperm fish costumes.)

The Rent Is Due: OctoMom Takes It Off For A Check

TMZ says that OctoMom is a quick second away from being put out on the curb, because she hasn’t paid the mortgage on her house in La Habra, CA and it’s headed for the auction block on Thursday. So what’s a fame whoring mother of a baby brigade supposed to do to put her seventy million chirruns into a new house? Get them titties out for a British tabloid, of course! Closer Magazine (via DM) handed Octo a $10,000 check to pay the rent on her new house and she gave them this image that is probably making your throat give birth to an octoheave.

Octo didn’t only bare her temple of a million fetuses body for Closer, she also talked to them about how she’s a wonderful mother and how even though her uterus is KO’ed out for good, her body magically bounced back after she hatched out 8 kids.

On how everybody sees her as a crazy bitch who shouldn’t even be in charge of raising 8 Tamagotchis, but she’s really the epitome of a perfect mother: “The kids have structure and discipline and only eat healthily, they don’t know what candy is! I’ve done a really great job with them. I don’t get any credit.”

On how she dims her natural sexy so that men won’t hit on her: “I get too much male attention, but I won’t date until the octuplets are 18 – I live for them. I know a lot of women like male attention, but I’ll go out with no make-up on and wear tracksuits, a wig and even a fake pregnancy stomach to put them off.”

On how she eats like a horse (pause for your laugh) and how her body is like a rubber band: “I just pinged back into shape like a rubber band after the kids, I don’t know how I did it. I eat like a horse, don’t count calories and have never owned a set of scales. I gained an entire human when I was pregnant with the octuplets, going from 10st (140lbs) to over 19st (266lbs), but two months later, I was a size 8 again. Now, I never weigh myself.”

Yup, bitch is still crazy. Men aren’t slobbering over her with their eyes, they’re running from her insane ass, because they’re afraid that if they stand too close they’ll knock her ass up. Bitch’s body didn’t magically ping back into shape, unless by “ping back into shape” she means that a plastic surgeon pulled her stomach skin all the way up to her neck. Sadly, even after the entire Extreme Makeover: Home Edition crew renovated her body, she still has two gorilla landing strips for brows. How dreadful. Octo should take some of that $10k and use it to pay for a date with an eyebrow artiste. So she won’t look like a topless Groucho Marx the next time she poses half-naked for rent money.

No, OctoMom Will Not Have Sex With You

No, this is not a still of a lost scene from Splice. This is OctoMom on the cover of the always elegant Steppin’ Out Magazine. In the interview with Steppin’ Out, Octo continues to talk about how her vagina only opens for baby heads and she isn’t interested in anything sex related. Octo was married for a while and couldn’t even tell you if her husband’s dick situation was curved, cut or mushroom-headed. Octo has no idea, because she barely spent time with his peen. Octo would rather get intimate with an IVF needle than with a peen and she’s alright with that.

“I can tell you that I never touched him physically. It was a different type of marriage.

That’s all I want to say about it. I’m the kind of person who can be with a man for years and never touch him. My mind is not wired that way. I don’t need that kind of thing. People need sex, but I don’t .. I have zero sexual interest.

And in the spirit of sharing more than you’d probably ever want to know. I’ve never even touched myself in that way. Maybe if I had touched myself things would be different. It’s like a trigger food. I never tried it so I don’t know what I’m missing.

I couldn’t even imagine kissing something. I’ll be your friend but it would take at least five years for me to even consider having sex with you.”

If you’re with me, then I guess your response to Octo never having an O is just….oh.

via Daily Mail

Correction: OctoMom Is Disgusted By ALL Babies

InTouch Weekly published an interview with OctoMom a couple of weeks ago that they supposedly bought from a freelance reporter who is close to her lawyer. The interview was like a serenade song to Child Protective Services, because OctoMom was quoted as saying that she hates her 14 million babies and that they completely gross her out. But Octo quickly denied the interview ever took place and said that she was considering throwing a lawsuit at InTouch for slander since those words never squeezed themselves out of her triple stuffed rigatoni lips.

Well, TMZ got a hold of audio from the interview Octo says never went down and she doesn’t say her babies disgust her. Octo says that ALL babies disgust her. Glad, we could clear that up. Cut to Octo:

“Whenever I hear a baby cry, I cringe. I do not like babies. I am absolutely disgusted by babies. They make me sick … I don’t even look at them. I have to look away.”

Octo also said that she locks herself in the bathroom sometimes to get away from the madness, something she denied every saying. Click here if you want to listen to the interview, but if your soul assumes the fetal position from listening to the sound of babies screeching like bats fighting over the last blood clot ball, then don’t do it.

When I was in the 3rd grade, I bought 5 cans of creamed corn to donate to a food drive at my school. But instead of donating the cans, I ate all of them with sugar at once. That night I learned that creamed corn looks the same way going out as it does going in. To this day, I can’t even sniff canned creamed corn without the heaves crawling up my throat. So, I guess, in a way, babies are to Octo as what canned creamed corn is to me. But the big difference is that the mountain of creamed corn I barfed up didn’t rely on me to put it to my nipple for leche (heave 1), change its diaper (heave 2) and show it love in the form of a cuddle (heave 3). So crazy bitch just needs to deal.

The moral of the story is, don’t go on a baby popping binge if you can help it. The other moral of the story is, don’t go on a canned creamed corn binge, because you’ll hate canned creamed corn afterward and a family who was supposed to get those 5 cans will probably starve to death.