Frenchy & OctoMom Together At Last!

One of them has the internal lady parts of a dilapidated Super 8 off the highway and the other one, strangely, has the same internal lady parts but for totally different reasons! Lady Famewhore lit up her torch bright last night when OctoMom and Frenchy from Rock of Love came together to celebrate the former’s birthday at the House of Blues in West Hollywood last night. Yes, OctoMom left her 14 million kids at home to fend for themselves and eventually slobber each other’s faces off while she slobbered on a cupcake next to a delicate French flower who probably slobbered on a cumcake just a couple of hours before.

The truth is, this is a bizarre pairing. I know Frenchy is so damn greasy that she always looks like she fell out of something’s vagina, but still.

Octo told Howard Stern that she doesn’t think she’s ever put a peen in her mouth. Octo prefers all jizz to enter her body through a turkey baster. She’s old-fashioned like that. And then there’s Frenchy who burps up coagulaged cum balls, which is why she’ll always be one of my favorite Rock of Love hos. I mean, what do they have in common besides a thirst for tiny spreads in Life & Style and camera flashes? Whatever. I hope this relationship blossoms into something beautiful and Frenchy becomes like a second mother to those kids. They could be like the insane whore version of Kate & Allie.

OctoMom vs. Kristen Johnston

After destroying nerves with their Chaotic Circus of Toddlers act on Today yesterday morning, the OctoKids repeated their performance at JFK last night and apparently they took shit up a few notches. Just imagine that you’re sitting on an airplane that’s already 2-hours delayed and you’ve got a soul-killing symphony of 8 screaming chirruns in business class losing their shit. That makes sitting on a seat of spikes next to a broken toilet on a hot Chinatown bus headed to the 9th circle of Hell seem like a first class orgasm. Kristen Johnston was on that flight and did what anybody with a sense of hearing and an empty bottle full of Valium would do, she got in Octo’s face.

TMZ reports that Kristen told Octo to stick a pacifier made of STFU into her kids’ mouths or dress them up in dog costumes so she can transport them in a crate down below. No, she didn’t say any of that, but she did tell Octo to mute them STAT. The rest of the conversation went something like this:

Octo: How would you like me to keep eight 2-year-olds quiet?

Kristen: Get more help!

Octo: Why don’t you grow a baby and get a life!

If the sound of 8 screaming toddlers was enough to cause a loss of cabin pressure forcing masks full of weed smoke to drop above all the seats, Kristen would’ve stayed. But that didn’t happen, so she busted out of there and took another flight. Octo’s only response was: “I guess some people don’t like kids.” No, you insane fucking loon, ALL people don’t like being trapped in a metal bubble filled with baby hellion yodels!

Oh, and “Grow a baby and get a life, bitch!” is my new favorite go-to insult.

OctoMom Does Not Hate Her Babies

InTouch Weekly must’ve mistakenly interviewed a full-time Pete Burns impersonator who sometimes hires himself out as an OctoMom look-alike to parents of brat children who need to be scared with the threat of being wished into her dilapidated bunny uterus if they don’t act right, because the real OctoMom says that interview where she supposedly said that she hates all 14 of her asshole children is as fake as the baboon ass lips on her face.

In this week’s edition of InTouch, the ears of Child Protective Services started to burn when Octo allegedly called her kids “animals” and said that she regularly locks herself in the bathroom for hours to keep from offing herself. But Octo tells TMZ the interview never happened.

“I hardly have 30 seconds to go to the restroom, I could never lock my self in the bathroom for hours. I Love ALL my children, I do not regret them and it’s ridiculous that I have to continue to defend myself against these disgusting fabricated lies.”

It could be that Octo is the Sybil of famewhores and one of her 14 personalities said that mess, but I actually believe InTouch made it all up. Octo puts the CRAZY in crazy, but I doubt she hates her kids. That’s like White Oprah hating Lindsay Lohan, or Jennifer Aniston hating hair, or Amber Rose hating (NSFW) her own hairless cat, or RPattz hating on the likes of Nutty Madam. How can you hate on something that puts coins in your pocketbook and another minute on your relevancy clock?!

OctoMom Hates Her Babies

Some say that OctoMom made her bed of BABIES!!! so she should lie on ’em. But after reading a supposed interview she gave to InTouch Weekly (via Daily Mail), I say that Child Protective Services needs to lay a rescue net over her BABIES!!! and drag them to a safe house far far away from OctoMom’s crazy ass.

If I had 14 kids pounding my nerves into dust with their high-pitched screeches, I’d definitely make a noose out of dirty Pampers and pray that the underworld is for 18+ only and has a strict carding policy, but this is why I haven’t push 14 fucking babies out of my anus (you know, because I can)!!!!

Here’s the words that have earned OctoMom the Most Promising Future Award from the Susan Smith Foundation:

“I hate the babies, they disgust me. My older six are animals, getting more and more out of control, because I have no time to properly discipline them. The only way I can cope is to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Sometimes I sit there for hours and even eat my lunch sitting on the toilet floor. Anything to get peace and quiet. Some days I have thought about killing myself. I cannot cope.

Obviously I love them – but I absolutely wish I had not had them.”

There are only 4 reasons I could come up with for why OctoMom’s mouth would give birth to shit words like this:

1. This quote is a flute, CPS is a slithering snake and she’s trying to summon them out of a basket so they can snatch up her child army and this fuckery for her!
2. Octo knows that sex sells, but since her womb has crawled up to her vagina entrance and blocked it with all its might, she she has no sex to sell. So she has to sell foolery instead!
3. BITCH IS CRAZY.
4. InTouch’s creative writing department is really going for the gold.

Choosing any one of those answers will earn you an A+ since they are all completely plausible. But if bitch thinks shit is hard now, just wait until all 200 of her BABIES!!!! turn into TEENAGERS!!!!!!!! Now that is some real Suicide Watch shit!

The worst part about raising a dysfunctional and damaged child is that there’s a good chance they will give birth to another dysfunctional and damaged child when they turn 13. A dysfunctional and damaged grandchild that you will have to take care of because your dysfunctional and damaged child is too busy shooting heroin into their taint and whoring under the bridge with any trick that winks at them. Take a breath, Octo, because it could be a long ride.

Here’s Octo earning a check last night by participating in some celebrity boxing match in Philadelphia.