There’s No Way Ronan Farrow Can Be Frank Sinatra’s Son, So Says Tina Sinatra

All the way back in the olden days of 2013, Mia Farrow casually said in a Vanity Fair profile that it’s possible that her son Ronan Farrow was made with Frank Sinatra’s blue-eyed jizz fish. Ronan joked about it, but never denied it and who can blame him? If Woody Allen was your father, you would want everyone to think that anyone and anything (examples: a fly nibbling on a roadkill carcass, a cut-short turd out of a hyena’s ass, KFed) except for Woody Allen could be your dad. Frank Sinatra’s widow wasn’t buying it and publicly shat on that rumor. Now almost two years later, Frank Sinatra’s youngest child Tina Sinatra is saying that it’s impossible for Ronan Farrow to be her half-brother. Maury Povich just shuffled off to a corner and melted into a mound of woe, because he’s always wanted to say the words “Frank Sinatra IS the father.”

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Dylan Farrow Responds To Woody Allen’s Response To Her Open Letter

You can now go ahead and update your LinkedIn profile to read: Current – Professional Allen/Farrow Response Reader at My Couch, because keeping up with the responses in this mess has become a full-time job.

Last night, Woody Allen dropped his ten million word response to Dylan Farrow’s abuse claims and he spent most of his keystrokes on slamming Mia Farrow and accusing her of being the master manipulator behind his downfall. Woody denied molesting her and diagnosed Mia as being a bona fide crazy bitch. Woody ended his response by saying he would never speak of this again. Dylan obviously wants the last word and she immediately gave her response to Woody’s response. Dylan says that she’s never wavered and she went on to dissect the “facts” that Woody shat out in his statement. Here’s Dylan’s full response from The Hollywood Reporter:

Once again, Woody Allen is attacking me and my family in an effort to discredit and silence me – but nothing he says or writes can change the truth. For 20 years, I have never wavered in describing what he did to me. I will carry the memories of surviving these experiences for the rest of my life.

His op-ed is the latest rehash of the same legalese, distortions, and outright lies he has leveled at me for the past 20 years. He insists my mother brought criminal charges – in fact, it was a pediatrician who reported the incident to the police based on my firsthand account. He suggests that no one complained of his misconduct prior to his assault on me – court documents show that he was in treatment for what his own therapist described as “inappropriate” behavior with me from as early as 1991. He offers a carefully worded claim that he passed a lie detector test – in fact, he refused to take the test administered by the state police (he hired someone to administer his own test, which authorities refused to accept as evidence). These and other misrepresentations have been rebutted in more detail by independent, highly respected journalists, including this most recent article here:

http://www.vanityfair.com/online/daily/2014/02/woody-allen-sex-abuse-10-facts

With all the attempts to misrepresent the facts, it is important to be reminded of the truth contained in court documents from the only final ruling in this case, by the New York Supreme Court in 1992. In denying my father all access to me, that court:

Debunked the “experts” my father claims exonerated him, calling them “colored by their loyalty to Mr. Allen”, criticizing the author of their report (who never met me) for destroying all supporting documentation, and calling their conclusions “sanitized and therefore less credible”.

Included testimony from babysitters who witnessed inappropriate sexual behavior by my father toward me.

Found that “there is no credible evidence to support Mr. Allen’s contention that Ms. Farrow coached Dylan or that Ms. Farrow acted upon a desire for revenge against him for seducing Soon-Yi. Mr. Allen’s resort to the stereotypical ‘woman scorned’ defense is an injudicious attempt to divert attention from his failure to act as a responsible parent and adult.”

Concluded that the evidence “…proves that Mr. Allen’s behavior toward Dylan was grossly inappropriate and that measures must be taken to protect her.”

Finally, the Connecticut State prosecutor found “probable cause” to prosecute, but made the decision not to in an effort to protect “the child victim”, given my fragile state.

From the bottom of my heart, I will be forever grateful for the outpouring of support I have received from survivors and countless others. If speaking out about my experience can help others stand up to their tormentors, it will be worth the pain and suffering my father continues to inflict on me. Woody Allen has an arsenal of lawyers and publicists but the one thing he does not have on his side is the truth. I hope this is the end of his vicious attacks and of the media campaign by his lawyers and publicists, as he’s promised. I won’t let the truth be buried and I won’t be silenced.

Well, that’s that.

I can already hear you screaming, “MAKE IT STOOOOOOOOOOOOP!” I think we’ve all overdosed on this shit and I won’t post about it again until Lifetime announces that they’re making a Saturday night movie about this messy, sad saga starring Vanessa Bayer as Dylan, a dehydrated dead worm as Woody and a Frank Sinatra hologram as Ronan. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to search Tumblr for GIFs of Ronan Farrow batting those baby blue eyes in slow motion.

Woody Allen Goes In On Mia Farrow In His Response To Dylan Farrow’s Abuse Claims

Go ahead and just start pouring bottles of vodka into the bathtub now, because you’re going to want to soak your body in a whole lot of booze after you read the latest chapter in this messy, sad family shit. The New York Times published Woody Allen’s long ass response to Dylan Farrow’s claims that he molested her when she was 7 years old. Woody is mad and pretty much paints Mia Farrow as a crazy, manipulative, shady home wrecking slut whore who brainwashes children and has made it her life goal to skin him alive and Riverdance on his destroyed body.

Woody, of course, denies ever abusing Dylan and says that when he was first accused of it, he didn’t even get a lawyer, because he thought the whole thing was so ridiculous. Woody claims he took a lie detector and passed, and that Mia refused to take one. Woody also claims that at first Dylan told a doctor she wasn’t molested, but after spending the afternoon with Mia, she said she was. Woody basically laid down everything his lawyer laid down. The Child Sexual Abuse Clinic of the Yale-New Haven Hospital investigated the claims and declared that Woody didn’t molest her and Mia most likely put the story in her head. Vanity Fair wrote a piece about that investigation and they say the whole thing was pretty shady. Woody says that it was pretty impossible for him to molest Dylan in the attic, because he’s claustrophobic and the attic was all cramped and shit. Yeah, claustrophobic hos are completely allergic to attics and cannot molest children in there. Makes sense.

Woody writes that it’s funny how he was never accused of child touching up until then and then he spit out a true vomit-inducing dingle when describing his “new relationship” with a 17-year-old:

I had been going out with Mia for 12 years and never in that time did she ever suggest to me anything resembling misconduct. Now, suddenly, when I had driven up to her house in Connecticut one afternoon to visit the kids for a few hours, when I would be on my raging adversary’s home turf, with half a dozen people present, when I was in the blissful early stages of a happy new relationship with the woman I’d go on to marry — that I would pick this moment in time to embark on a career as a child molester should seem to the most skeptical mind highly unlikely. The sheer illogic of such a crazy scenario seemed to me dispositive.

Woody, who also drops quotes from Moses Farrow’s interview with People, doesn’t even think that Dylan wrote the open letter for the NY Times. He thinks that Mia once again pulled Dylan’s strings by writing the letter and putting Dylan’s name on it:

One must ask, did Dylan even write the letter or was it at least guided by her mother? Does the letter really benefit Dylan or does it simply advance her mother’s shabby agenda? That is to hurt me with a smear. There is even a lame attempt to do professional damage by trying to involve movie stars, which smells a lot more like Mia than Dylan.

He also continued to try to smear Mia’s reputation by saying that if Frank Sinatra is Ronan Farrow’s biological father, then she’s shifty as fuck for accepting child support checks.

I pause here for a quick word on the Ronan situation. Is he my son or, as Mia suggests, Frank Sinatra’s? Granted, he looks a lot like Frank with the blue eyes and facial features, but if so what does this say? That all during the custody hearing Mia lied under oath and falsely represented Ronan as our son? Even if he is not Frank’s, the possibility she raises that he could be, indicates she was secretly intimate with him during our years. Not to mention all the money I paid for child support. Was I supporting Frank’s son? Again, I want to call attention to the integrity and honesty of a person who conducts her life like that.

He ends this shit by saying that he hopes Dylan will reach out to him (here comes the heaves):

Of course, I did not molest Dylan. I loved her and hope one day she will grasp how she has been cheated out of having a loving father and exploited by a mother more interested in her own festering anger than her daughter’s well-being. Being taught to hate your father and made to believe he molested you has already taken a psychological toll on this lovely young woman, and Soon-Yi and I are both hoping that one day she will understand who has really made her a victim and reconnect with us, as Moses has, in a loving, productive way. No one wants to discourage abuse victims from speaking out, but one must bear in mind that sometimes there are people who are falsely accused and that is also a terribly destructive thing.

Woody also promised to never speak of this again.

This mess. It’s like being the guest at the Thanksgiving dinner of the most dysfunctional, fucked up and torn apart family ever. Pass the mashed Xanax, please. You can read the whole thing here. I’m going to drop a palate cleanser below, because you’re going to need it.

Thank EVERYTHING for Maru.

Need A Valentine Idea For Your Ex? Here’s What Mia Farrow Sent To Woody In 1992

At first I was like “Yeah, that’s a bit creepy” but then my brain looked at me like “Girl, you frontin like your jealous ass never threw pins in hastily-constructed voodoo doll you learned how to make by stealing books from the public library”. TRUTH! You could be the sweetest, most kitten cuddling-est person in the world until someone does you dirty, and then the gloves come off and you’re lighting your exes shit on fire and getting suspended for sending nasty letters to that slut Lisa McIntire during work hours. So, I get it, 1992 Mia Farrow. I get it.

Since this is the week that everything is terrible and just reading the words Woody, Mia, Dylan, or Open Letter make you want to crawl inside a tauntaun sleeping bag with a Costco-sized bag of chocolate-dipped Wavy Lays, it should be no surprise that 60 Minutes has unearthed the 1992 interview with Woody Allen where he first defends himself against allegations of child abuse. Ugh, excuse me while I get that sleeping bag.

You won’t really learn anything new from the interview (you already know that creepy turtles be creepin) but he does talk about how after Mia discovered his affair with her daughter, Soon-Yi, she gifted him with a series of angry phone calls and this valentine. If you’re looking at this valentine and wondering where the chocolate is, it has been replaced by a photo of Mia and her children, a knife wrapped in a picture of Soon-Yi, and a small poem to the right that reads: “My child you used and pierced my hearts a hundred times and deep”. That’s pretty controlled for a woman who found out her husband was doing not-right shit with her kids; I feel like the majority of us would have skipped the valentine and sent a hot shit in a paper bag with a note that says “HOPE YOU’RE HUNGRY, FUCKER” instead.

That valentine looks suspicious. Woody says that Mia hand-delivered the valentine to him, but that doesn’t make any sense. Did she insert the knife when she got there? “Hold this for a sec? I still need to stab it”. Also, the knife is through Mia; why would she stab herself? I want to get to the bottom of this; since we’re unearthing everything about Woody Allen this week, can someone try to find out if he signed up for the Valentine’s Crafternoon Class at Michaels in 1992?

Dylan Farrow Responds To Her Brother’s Claim That She Was Brainwashed By Their Mom

Another day, another sad chapter in the never-ending messiness that is the Allen-Farrow family saga. There’s not enough cat videos on the internet to cleanse my palate of this mess.

Woody Allen and Mia Farrow’s son Moses Farrow stood in his dad’s corner when he told People Magazine that his dad didn’t abuse his sister Dylan Farrow and Mia put that dark-sided thought in her head. Several people including Woody’s lawyer have said that Mia brainwashed Dylan into thinking Woody molested her. Dylan briefly responded to Moses’ claim and said that he’s wrong and he’s dead to her. Dylan talked to People Magazine again and went into why she wrote that open letter and how she feels about Moses calling her a lie-teller. Dylan says that she wanted to go public for a long time and she decided to do it after Ronan Farrow brought up the abuse in a tweet on Golden Globes night. Dylan tells People that when the letter went public, she knew a lot of people out there wouldn’t believe her.

“People are saying that I am not actually remembering what I remember. People are saying that my ‘evil mother’ brainwashed me because they refuse to believe that my sick, evil father would ever molest me, because we live in this society where victim blaming and inexcusable behavior – this taboo against shaming the famous at the expense of their victims – is accepted and excused. I knew there were people saying I was a liar and that this was part of some smear campaign – some bitter vendetta of my mother’s.”

But nothing hurt Dylan more than her brother Moses stamping the word “LIES!!!” in red on her open letter.

“My brother has broken my heart. Moses divorced himself from the family a long time ago. I always missed him. I loved him and I kept him in my thoughts. These lies – this betrayal – is unfathomable to me coming from a brother I loved and cherished and grew up with. I’m sorry. I’m shaking right now.

He has betrayed me in the cruelest way imaginable, and betrayed my family and my mother who has loved him since day one. His betrayal is the lowest form of evil that I could ever imagine.”

Moses burped out nothing but a river of lies, so says Dylan, and she goes on to say that her memories are true and it was hard for her to write that open letter, because she did love Woody Allen at one time. Dylan put her story out there to help other victims of abuse and now she’s getting revenge by living a happy life with her husband whom she met through a personal ad on The Onion.

“He is the most wonderful man in the world. When they say living well is the best revenge – I have that. My conscience is clean. I have told the truth. I cannot say the same for Moses. I love my family so much. We are a strong family. We are a loving family. We are a brave family. We are fighters. I love my mother so much. I am hoping to help at least one person out there. And that’s why I spoke out.”

I know this is an extremely serious story and should be handled with extreme seriousness, but after reading Dylan’s interview with People my only question was, “The Onion has a personal section?!” Since when? Is it a real dating site or do they troll your ass the only way The Onion can?  When you go on there, do you magically find a personal ad that is one hundred percent perfect (example: a picture of a hot ginger wearing a Showgirls t-shirt while posing in front of the weed dispensary he owns)? You write your future soulmate and make plans to meet at the bar at T.G.I. Friday’s. Then after guzzling your third Barbados Rum Punch by yourself, you realize that you’ve been trolled by The Onion yet again, your soulmate was a fake, you ain’t getting any, love is a lie and you should’ve just stayed home and fapped to PornHub all night. Actually, I think I just described 99% of my online dating experiences.

Dylan Farrow’s Brother Is Team Woody

The messy Allen/Farrow drama just keeps getting messier and sadder, and the messier it gets the more Cate Blanchett is rocking back and forth while mumbling to herself, “I will shank them all if this fucks with my Oscar.”

Moses Farrow, Dylan Farrow’s older brother, told People Magazine that he doesn’t believe that his father Woody Allen abused his sister and he echoed his dad’s claim that his mother Mia Farrow embedded the accusations into Dylan’s brain. This little bit of info might knock you right out of your chonies: Moses doesn’t talk to Mia and Dylan anymore, but he is close to his dad and Soon-Yi. Moses, who’s a family therapist (the jokes write and cry themselves to sleep), tells People that Mia was a crazy, abusive bitch to him and that she wanted to destroy Woody for leaving her for her daughter. Moses says that Mia brainwashed him into thinking his father was a Satanic turtle, but when he got older he realized that she was the manipulative one. One hundred percent healthiness ahead:

“My mother drummed it into me to hate my father for tearing apart the family and sexually molesting my sister. And I hated him for her for years. I see now that this was a vengeful way to pay him back for falling in love with Soon-Yi.

Of course Woody did not molest my sister. She loved him and looked forward to seeing him when he would visit. She never hid from him until our mother succeeded in creating the atmosphere of fear and hate towards him. The day in question, there were six or seven of us in the house. We were all in public rooms and no one, not my father or sister, was off in any private spaces. My mother was conveniently out shopping. I don’t know if my sister really believes she was molested or is trying to please her mother. Pleasing my mother was very powerful motivation because to be on her wrong side was horrible.”

After a long ass, messy battle, Mia won custody of Ronan, Dylan and Moses. Moses says that Mia hit him several times and regularly raged at the children. Moses hopes that Dylan will reconnect with Woody (ugh).

“I think my sister is missing a great deal in life in not reconnecting with her father, who had always adored her. It’s important that she assert her independence from our mother and not go through life with the false impression that she has been molested by my father. I am very happy I have come into my own power, separating from my mother, which has led to a positive reunion with my father.”

Dylan, who is living under a different name with her husband in Florida, responded to Moses’ words.

“My mother never coached me. She never planted false memories in my brain. My memories are mine. I remember them. She was distraught when I told her. When I came forward with my story she was hoping against hope that I had made it up. In one of the most heartbreaking conversations I have ever had, she sat me down and asked me if I was telling the truth. She said that Dad said he didn’t do anything. and I said, ‘He’s lying.’

I will not see my family dragged down like this. I can’t stay silent when my family needs me and I will not abandon them like Soon-Yi and Moses. My brother is dead to me. My mother is so brave and so courageous and taught me what it means to be strong and brave and tell the truth even in the face of these monstrous lies.”

Oh, Moses. I guess in all those classes he took to become a family therapist he never learned that two children can grow up under the same roof and go through totally different shit. It happens.

But damn, this is turning into some Jerry Springer-Maury-Ricki Lake-Gordon Elliot shit. This whole mess is making the Lohans look like a healthy and totally functional family.