Woody Allen’s Lawyer Says That Dylan Farrow Is Mia’s “Pawn”

And there’s your cue to make the same “err, not sure if I want to go into this post” face that Soon-Yi is making.

A day after The New York Times published Dylan Farrow’s open letter to the Hollywood types who still support the adoptive father who abused her, Woody Allen’s publicist and lawyer shat out statements saying that he was investigated and never charged with criminal child touching and that Mia Farrow put it all in Dylan’s head. Woody’s lawyer, Elkan Abramowitz, went on Today (via UsWeekly) this morning to defend his client and he once again said that during the custody fight years ago Mia brainwashed Dylan into thinking that Woody touched her wrong when she was a little girl. Elkan and Woody believe that Mia embedded that thought so deep in Dylan’s brain that she still believes he abused her. Mia Farrow is a brainwashing evil genius!

Elkan said this to Savannah Guthrie:

“His reaction is one of overwhelming sadness because of what has happened to Dylan. She was a pawn in a huge fight between him and Mia Farrow years ago and the idea that she was molested was implanted in her by her mother and that memory is never going to go away. So the fact that she says this now, that it happened 20 years ago, is totally understandable. My view is she’s not lying. I think she truly believes this happened. That’s what the vice of this is. When you implant a story in a fragile 7 year-old’s man it stays there and never goes away.”

Savannah said that the judge in the custody hearing believed that there was no evidence of coaching, to which Elkan said:

“The custody judge is not the most important factor here. The charges were brought to the Connecticut State Police. The State Police got the Sex Abuse of Yale New Haven, a nationally recognized group, to investigate these charges. They determined, after six months inquiry, not only that it didn’t happen, but that Dylan was coached by her mother.”

Babawawa’s down-for-boo has no plans to sue Dylan for defamation or slander (DUH).

Mia tweeted her response to the accusation that she brainwashed Dylan:

I love my daughter. I will always protect her. A lot of ugliness is going to be aimed at me. But this is not about me, it's about her truth.

— mia farrow (@MiaFarrow) February 4, 2014

And finally, New York Magazine put on their yellow rubber gloves and face mask and dug deep into the archives to pull out Woody Allen’s history with young girls. They found this disturbing piece from an interview that Woody Allen did with People Magazine in 1979:

“I’m open-minded about sex. I’m not above reproach; if anything, I’m below reproach. I mean, if I was caught in a love nest with 15 12-year-old girls tomorrow, people would think, yeah, I always knew that about him. Nothing I could come up with would surprise anyone. I admit to it all.”

You know, nasty ass sucio Woody has a point. If any of us caught him in an illegal pedo nest with a bunch of 12-year-old girls, we’d definitely say that we always knew that about him before screaming for all the authorities to come and arrest him. And by “any of us” I don’t mean Barbara Walters, because if she caught him with a bunch of 12-year-old girls she’d just say, “What a loving and caring father.”

Woody Allen Has Shit To Say About Dylan Farrow’s Open Letter Right Now, But Will Comment On It Soon

While some of us were cringing at the most disturbing parts of Dylan Farrow’s open letter in The New York Times last night, the PedoTurtle she accused of abusing her was out at the Knicks game with his two daughters. Woody Allen hasn’t opened his mouth about Dylan’s open letter and he kept it closed when a cameradude asked him about it outside of Madison Square Garden last night. While Woody and his daughters were waiting for their car, the cameradude asked him about Dylan Farrow’s molestation accusations. Woody has never really opened his mouth about the accusations and that’s exactly what he did last night. Bitch kept his words inside of his mouth. TMZ has the video if you really need to see Woody not saying shit. But Woody is planning to say shit soon according to his spokeswhore. In a statement to Mother Jones, Woody’s publicist said that Mia put it all in Dylan’s head:

“Mr. Allen has read the article and found it untrue and disgraceful. He will be responding very soon…At the time, a thorough investigation was conducted by court appointed independent experts. The experts concluded there was no credible evidence of molestation; that Dylan Farrow had an inability to distinguish between fantasy and reality; and that Dylan Farrow had likely been coached by her mother Mia Farrow. No charges were ever filed.”

In Dylan’s open letter, she also called out the likes of Cate Blanchett and Alec Baldwin for working for a child toucher. The Hollywood Reporter talked to Cate Blanchett at The Santa Barbara Film Festival last night and asked her about Dylan calling her ass out. Cate’s PR team obviously fed her a statement before she was asked about it, because she kept it completely neutral.

“It’s obviously been a long and painful situation for the family and I hope they find some resolution and peace.”

And then she went on to say, “BUT GIVE ME THAT OSCAR!”

Alec Baldwin was also called out on Twatter by one of his followers and he behaved like the throbbing, pus-filled dick pimple that he is by cursing out his follower before saying that he has nothing to do with that family’s “personal struggles.”

Of course Woody Allen isn’t going to say shit about it to a cameradude. Of course Woody Allen’s publicist is going to say that Mia Farrow is out to destroy Woody Allen and made it all up. Of course Cate Blanchett is going to keep it neutral during her Oscar campaign. And of course I’m going to handle this the same way I’ve been handling Philip Seymour Hoffman’s death. I’m going to munch on another Sno-Ball dipped in vodka while watching the Puppy Bowl with the sound off.

Dylan Farrow Writes An Open Letter About How Woody Allen Abused Her

After reading that headline, Dylan Farrow’s letter and staring at Woody Allen’s juicy pit stain and his nasty, gross pink eye, we’re all going to need to get into a hot bath with a bottle or two of something seriously mind-numbing. I’ll run the bath now….

On Golden Globes night, Woody Allen Frank Sinatra and Mia Farrow’s son Ronan Farrow burned every inch of Woody Allen’s shriveled turtle body when he tweeted the question, “Missed the Woody Allen tribute – did they put the part where a woman publicly confirmed he molested her at age 7 before or after Annie Hall?” The Daily Beast recently wrote a piece defending Woody’s ass against the allegations. The 7-year-old who was sexually abused by Woody was his adopted daughter Dylan Farrow and she’s come out to talk about it publicly for the first time. In Nicholas Kristof’s blog on The New York Times, Dylan Farrow writes about how PedoBear PedoTurtle child touched her when she was just a little girl and he manipulated her in more ways than one.

What’s your favorite Woody Allen movie? Before you answer, you should know: when I was seven years old, Woody Allen took me by the hand and led me into a dim, closet-like attic on the second floor of our house. He told me to lay on my stomach and play with my brother’s electric train set. Then he sexually assaulted me. He talked to me while he did it, whispering that I was a good girl, that this was our secret, promising that we’d go to Paris and I’d be a star in his movies. I remember staring at that toy train, focusing on it as it traveled in its circle around the attic. To this day, I find it difficult to look at toy trains.

For as long as I could remember, my father had been doing things to me that I didn’t like. I didn’t like how often he would take me away from my mom, siblings and friends to be alone with him. I didn’t like it when he would stick his thumb in my mouth. I didn’t like it when I had to get in bed with him under the sheets when he was in his underwear. I didn’t like it when he would place his head in my naked lap and breathe in and breathe out. I would hide under beds or lock myself in the bathroom to avoid these encounters, but he always found me. These things happened so often, so routinely, so skillfully hidden from a mother that would have protected me had she known, that I thought it was normal. I thought this was how fathers doted on their daughters. But what he did to me in the attic felt different. I couldn’t keep the secret anymore.

Dylan goes on to write that when her mother went to the police, Woody denied it and said that Mia was just trying to smear his reputation because he left her for his stepdaughter Soon-Yi. The State of Connecticut never threw criminal charges at Woody because they felt that Dylan wouldn’t be able to handle the trial and that she was too fragile. He was never convicted. Dylan writes that Woody getting away with it still haunts her and she was terrified of touching men and later developed an eating disorder and started cutting herself. She says that she’s in a better place now, but she doesn’t know how Hollywood can support a child touching monster like Woody Allen and she called some bitches out.

What if it had been your child, Cate Blanchett? Louis CK? Alec Baldwin? What if it had been you, Emma Stone? Or you, Scarlett Johansson? You knew me when I was a little girl, Diane Keaton. Have you forgotten me?

Woody Allen is a living testament to the way our society fails the survivors of sexual assault and abuse.

So imagine your seven-year-old daughter being led into an attic by Woody Allen. Imagine she spends a lifetime stricken with nausea at the mention of his name. Imagine a world that celebrates her tormenter.

Are you imagining that? Now, what’s your favorite Woody Allen movie?

And DAMN at those last few lines. And while we’re taking this all in, Mia’s friend Roman Polanski is probably letting out ten clouds of relief while going, “Phew!”

Frank Sinatra’s Widow Refuses To Believe That His Man Chowder Made Ronan Farrow

Seen above getting choked with a pearl necklace by Frank Sinatra in a stunning Glamour Shots photo shoot, Lady Blue Eyes is spitting on Mia Farrow’s claim that Ronan Farrow probably, most likely has Sinatra DNA instead of Woody Allen DNA. Mia Farrow made hos everywhere scream, “the hell didn’t I see this before?“, when she told Vanity Fair that Frank Sinatra is probably her son Ronan’s biological father. Frank and Barbara Sinatra married in 1978, and Ronan Farrow was born in 1987, so if he is the father, then he cheated on her by passing his raw 70-something peen to Mia. Mia Farrow was with Woody Allen at the time. But Frank’s glamorous goddess of a widow Barbara Sinatra isn’t hearing any of that shit. Palm Spring’s Desert Sun called 85-year-old Barbara and asked her about this escandalosoness. Barbara refuses to believe.

“I can’t hardly believe that. It’s just a bunch of junk. There’s always junk written — lies that aren’t true.”

Woody Allen’s spokeswhore called the VF article “fictitious and extravagantly absurd that he is not going to comment.”

Sorry, Lady Blue Eyes, but this proof is in the FACE!

Of course Barbara is going to play the deny card. If Ronan really is Frank Sinatra’s son, then that means he can possibly get his hands on some of that Sinatra money. Not that he would, but Barbara can’t be too safe. Barbara is way too old and way too glamorous to be fighting for money in some fluorescent-lit court room. That will screw with Barbara’s day of driving her 2005 bright white Cadillac de Ville (with custom champagne-colored leather seats and gold accents) to the Rancho Mirage Country Club to sip martinis while her pet Bichon slowly dies of heat stroke at her feet. Deny it, Barbara! Deny it! (But if a court battle ever happens, I bet she’d show up in her old Bill Blass suits and kill all those bitches with glamour.)

Ronan Farrow Is Totally Frank Sinatra’s Son

On the left is a young Frank Sinatra, in the middle is his almost face twin Ronan Farrow and on the right is a teenage Woody Allen with an Eddie Munster pompadour. Everyone thought the dude on the right made the dude in the middle with Mia Farrow, but during an interview about her life in Vanity Fair, Mia said that there’s a possibility that Frank’s ole blue-eyed sperm got into her ovary egg and made Ronan. Can somebody please get expert psychic and spirit whisperer Sylvia Browne to tell Frank Sinatra’s ghost that he IS the father? via VF:

Farrow discusses her relationship with Frank Sinatra, telling Orth that Sinatra was the great love of her life, and says, “We never really split up.” When asked point-blank if her biological son with Woody Allen, Ronan Farrow, may actually be the son of Frank Sinatra, Farrow answers, “Possibly.” No DNA tests have been done. When Orth asks Nancy Sinatra Jr. about Ronan’s being treated as if he were a member of her family, Sinatra answers in an e-mail, “He is a big part of us, and we are blessed to have him in our lives.”

Ronan Farrow is 25 years old, so if Frank Sinatra is the father then he still had it when he was in his early 70s.

Ronan responded on Twitter with this perfect tweet:

Listen, we’re all *possibly* Frank Sinatra’s son.

— Ronan Farrow (@RonanFarrow) October 2, 2013

If Mia and Ronan really want to find out, they don’t need to bother with Maury or DNA tests or whatever. Ava Gardner once said that Frank Sinatra “only weighs 120, but 100 pounds is cock.” So, there’s only one real way to find out. Whip it out and throw it on the scale, Ronan!

And I don’t know how Ronan really feels about this… Because now that Woody Allen knows that Ronan probably isn’t his biological son, he’s going to try to fuck him.