Mark Ronson Is Somebody’s Husband Now

The South of France was turned into a walking Anthropologie catalog yesterday when Mark Ronson married French model type Josephine de la Baume in Aix en Provence in front of guests including Lily Allen, Kate Moss and one of his sisters Charlotte Ronson. No word if SamRo was able to pry Lindsay Lohan’s leech lips off of her taint so she could get on a plane to France. But I’m sure if SamRo was not able to make it, Mark put a fedora on a Sam the Eagle puppet parked in front of an iPod so it felt like she was right there with them. And I’m sure the Sam the Eagle puppet played better music too.

Mark wore the Good Humor Man’s first Sunday church outfit and that Josephine trick wore something she pulled out of Joan Holloway’s wicker dirty laundry basket. A source tells UsWeekly that during the reception, Mark paid tribute to his friend Amy Winehouse by toasting to her (with a plastic flute full of melted ice pops and ballet slipper smegma, of course). Then he really paid tribute to her by making all his guests crawl on the floor to sneakily steal drinks off of each other’s tables. It’s the new wedding tradition of choice!

Today true love is not knowing what your new husband’s retinas look like since his ass never takes off his fucking Wayfarers.

David Walliams Makes Mark Ronson The Butt Of The Joke

I’m sure most of us would love to rip the pants off of Mark Ronson, but you have to ask first and provide him with a hot meal beforehand. You can’t just go exposing his gerbil hole to everyone. Which exactly what David Walliams did to him the other night.

At a charity event in London, David (performing as one of his Little Britain characters Des Kaye) decided to have a little fun with SamRo’s brother by grabbing at his peen and plums. When Mark shooed him away, David came harder and the two hit the ground. They looked like they were re-enacting a playdate between Tommy Girl and Becks.

In the end, David showed off Mark’s hairy end to 3,000 people in the audience. Not only did Mark not appreciate getting molested by David, but he also didn’t seem happy that his fancy suit got ripped. Or maybe he was just doing that thing called “acting” since he might have already know that this is part of Des’ act. Des is known for pantsing a bitch in front of everyone. If Des came at me like that, I’d whip out the Vaseline and drop it down low.

A still of Mark Ronson’s furry pancakes is after the jump. Take off your own pants and JUMP!

VIA ONTD

If You Ever Find Yourself At One Of Diddy’s Parties, Eat The Brownies

Douche-faced Mark Ronson (yes, I’ve fallen out of love) worked one of Diddy’s Jizz Parties in the Hamptons recently and he took advantage of the bowl of delicious brownies that was being passed around. Mark claims he didn’t know the brownies were filled with scrumptious chronic.

Mark tells Page Six, “I hadn’t eaten all day, and I was starving. They were coming around with this bowl of brownies, and I grabbed three of them and just started scarfing them down. After that, every lyric sounded like it was the Cookie Monster yelling in my ear, and I started feeling really shitty, but I had to play through the set. I couldn’t just go up to Puffy and say, ‘Sorry, I ate a shit-load of hash brownies, I can’t do your White Party.‘ ”

What does he expect? Everything at one of Doody’s parties is probably laced with something. In addition to the pot brownies, he has meth pigs in a blanket, coke and cheese tarts and MDMA turkish cigars. That’s the only way you can deal with Diddy’s circle jerk of a soiree.

I probably would have taken a dozen brownies from the bowl, walked across the street, called in an “anonymous” drug tip and then enjoyed my delicious chocolate leaf goodies while watching the po-po take Doody away in cuffs.

Wino Didn’t Show Up To Her Own Birthday Party

The Crackie of Camden was at home, getting ready for her birfday party, when she wiped the crack dust away from her mirror, took a good look at herself and realized she was too fugly to leave the house. That’s what The Sun claims anyway.

Wino’s friends and family, including Mark Ronson, Adele and her mommy, gathered at London’s Jazz After Dark club on Saturday night for her party, but she never showed. Three cabs were called to take Wino to her party, but they were all sent away. A friend said: “Amy was standing in front of the mirror telling everyone how rough she looked. She kept saying she was ugly and was in an awful state. They couldn’t get her out.” Um…..is this first time she’s looked in the mirror in the past year?

Everyone waited at her party until 2am. When they were told Wino wasn’t going to show, her mother broke down in tears. Does Wino’s mommy even know her own daughter? There’s always a 50/50 shot Wino is going to show up. With Wino, you can’t put all your coke in one line. That doesn’t really make sense, but it’s still early for me.

Wino’s friends should have put their dumb dumb heads together and come up with a way to get her to the party. I would’ve told her ass that the balloons were filled with nitrous and the cake was made out of meth and ice pops. Homecrackie, would’ve put a paper bag over her head and ran right over!

Mark Ronson Is Single

Mark Ronson and his toddler girlfriend are no more. Okay, she’s not a toddler. She’s like 19 or some shit. The Daily Mail reports that the two ended it after a fight in NYC four days ago. Friends say that the 14-year age difference between Mark and Daisy Lowe is to blame.

I’m going to blame Gavin Rossdale, Daisy’s sperm donor daddy who doesn’t want anything to do with her. Just blame him for everything from now on.

Daisy wants to focus on her modeling career (hah) and isn’t ready to settle down. The friend said: “Despite his party-boy image, Mark’s quite serious and just wants to meet the right girl and settle down. That was an issue for Daisy, who is still quite young at heart. They’re in different places at the moment and they both need some time and space to think about things. Mark’s at the top of his game. He’s very self-assured and confident and he knows what he wants. Daisy still has quite a lot of growing up to do.”

“A lot of growing up to do” basically means she wants to slut around and I don’t blame her. That’s what your late teens and 20 were made for. It’s when your genitals are at the top of their game.

Mark will be fine. I’m sure he’s already found another young thing to mend his broken heart. You know, there was a time when I would get all hot in the groin for Mark, but those days are over. Now I get this creepy “Pee Wee Herman” vibe about him. I mean, he looks like he loves playing with his stuffed animals way too much if I ain’t being too subtle. He probably hugs his teddy bear while doing sexy times. And he always has this smirk on his face like he farts diamonds and dandelions.

That being said, I’d still hit it on his collection of stuffed animals.

Joss Stone Wants This

It’s no surprise that everybody wants to rub their genitals all over Mark Ronson’s luscious bod, but he’s picky and won’t fuck just any dirty whore. Oh well, there goes my chances. I’ll just switch my focus to SamRo. I’ll have better luck there.

During an interview, Mark talked about a certain singer that wanted to do sexy times with him. He said, “I’m not the sort of producer that shags every artist he works with. I’ve had enough offers, but I’m very picky. I’ve said no to a very famous, white, bland and very boring English soul chick, whom shall remain unnamed.”

When the interviewer asked if he was talking about Joss Stone, Mark just smiled and winked. They don’t call her Joss “Fucks For Tracks” Stone for nothing.

Why is that if someone like Justin Timberlake said this shit, I would stand on my toilet and scream douche at the top of my lungs. But when dreamy Mark Ronson says it, I swoon a little. I’m dickmatized by a dick I’ve never had. Pathetic!