Category: Magical Forest

RPattz Pours His Heart Out To The Sun

February 23, 2010 / Posted by:

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison have never admitted that they spend their nights trying to conceive Renesmee, because if they did, very Twihard’s vagina and/or b-hole would explode and the planet would be covered in labia and ass lips. Well, get your umbrella out, because The Sun claims that RPattz came clean (the first time he’s been clean in months) about his relationship with Kristen. This is what he told them after the BAFTAs on Sunday night:

“It is extremely difficult but we are together, yes. We can’t arrive at the same time because of the fans. It goes crazy. This was supposed to be a public appearance as a couple but it’s impossible. We are here together and it’s a public event but it’s not easy. We have to do all this stuff to avoid attention.”

So RPattz and Kristen were supposed to come out as a couple at the BAFTAs, yet it’s impossible for them to be seen together? CUE BRITNEY!

Either RPattz was drunk, or The Sun reporter was the drunk one and mistakenly interviewed a sleepy-eyed hobo covered in body glitter thinking he was RPattz. A simple mistake.

Here’s Kristen Stewart at the Elle Style Awards in London last night.

The Magical Unicorn Forest Has Wilted

February 22, 2010 / Posted by:

Robert Pattinson showed up to the BAFTAs in London last night looking like he accidentally grabbed the lube bottle instead of the bottle of Dep gel. We’ve all made that mistake before (just nod like you mean it), but this is absolutely dreadful. It’s like his scalp is crying greasy hair tears. Maybe this is the result of his allergic reaction to vaginas. I mean, James Cameron was there.

RPattz could’ve at least thrown a Bumpit in there for a little height. The sparkle vamp isn’t the same unless he looks like he just chewed on a live wire. Hopefully, this is just a one-time fuck up and the unicorns will be back soon to frolic. Moving on…

Everyone seems to think that the big surprise of the BAFTAs was that The Hurt Locker won a bunch of shit. But to me, the biggest surprise was that Kristen Stewart actually won something, and it wasn’t for Best Impersonation of a Cardboard Cutout.

Here’s some of the winners last night, click here for a full list.

Best Film: The Hurt Locker
Outstanding British Film: Fish Tank
Best Director: Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
Best Original Screenplay: Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker
Best Adapted Screenplay: Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner, Up In The Air
Best Actor: Colin Firth, A Single Man
Best Actress: Carey Mulligan, An Education
Best Supporting Actor: Chrisoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
Best Supporting Actress: Mo’Nique, Precious
Rising Star: Kristen Stewart

And here’s a few pictures of the winners, losers and those who were just there for a free gift bag. They are: RPattz, Carey Mulligan, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Gabourey Sidibe, Guy Pearce, two late-in-life lesbians in love, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers with his girlfriend Reena, Kate Winslet, Clive Owen with Kathryn Bigelow, Kristen Stewart, Matt Dillon, Loki’s true soulmate with his fiance Elena, Prince Willy and Tom Ford.

A Refugee From RPattz’s Magical Unicorn Forest

January 29, 2010 / Posted by:

Kelis galloped into the Data Awards in Los Angeles last night looking like something Mimi’s brain might burp up during a champagne-fueled daydream. What do we focus on? Do we focus on the Jane Child nostril-to-earlobe chains? The unicorn of liberty crown? The feather lashes? The mutant goat hooves? The old lady braid? NO! Direct your eyes to Kelis’ suffocating vagina! The only kind of rubber a vagina wants to eat is a condom. Why does Kelis have to do her chocha like that?

When she finally freed her snatch from the wall of latex later on in the night, it probably needed mouth-to-mouth. Pussy abuse is not the look.

And Kelis also needs less internet in her life, because she’s starting to get fashion tips from YouTube:

However, I will give it up for the intergalactic being from a disco ball far far away posing with Kelis below.

The Bearded Sparkle Vamp

January 22, 2010 / Posted by:

RPattz decided that the unicorns who frolic through his magical forest hair need a weekend place where they can sun their nipples (do unicorns have nipples? Ask Mimi), so he grew out a little patch for them further down south.

This is RPattz arriving at his hotel in London today with a second-degree case of the Billy Goat Brads on his face. But unlike Billy Goat Brad, RPattz’s beard is a field of gold. Yes, RPattz’s beard is what Sting was really singing about.

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THEY ARE TOUCHING HANDS!!!!!!

November 10, 2009 / Posted by:

Look at your window right now. If the streets are littered with heads covered with Urban Decay make-up and Manic Panic, it’s because Twitards are exploding over this picture of RPattz and Kristen Stewart touching hands in Paris. The stock for cookie dough will touch the heavens tomorrow, because the Twitards that didn’t lose their heads will drown their sorrows in all of Aniston’s favorites.

Anyway, here’s the those two fancy homeless people at the airport and also leaving their hotel in Paris tonight. Obviously, them touching jack-off hands means that they are secretly married and she’s pregnant with their sparkly vampire spawn who is slowly eating her insides. I swear I didn’t read the books. Don’t you dare accuse me of that!

But seriously, we all know this is just a publicity stunt. RPattz obviously feels the heat in his loins for the Twihard in the sixth thumbnail below.

RPattz Is Dirty

November 10, 2009 / Posted by:

That New Moon shit is almost upon us, which means that the Keeper of the Magical Forest will be doing interview after interview where he’s asked about the unicorn refuge on his head and the several layers of sparkly dirt on his skin.

In an interview with New Magazine (via UsWeekly), RPattz was asked about his personal hygiene. The interviewer probably brought the question up because they couldn’t help but notice the fly nest on his crotch. RPattz answered, “These jeans are a few days old. But the top is probably fresh because it gets to the point where even I can’t stand the air around me. I don’t know, my personal hygiene – it’s so disgusting!”

RPattz also talked about how he’s got the Emos, “I don’t think I’m romantic any more. I’m just a bit manic depressive!”

I guess we’d all be depressed too if our nipples holes were crusted shut. But RPattz should cheer up and work with what his body (and not showering for days) has given him! Think of all the amounts of dick butter, ass jelly, nose dingles, taint cream and pit wine he has produced. And think of all the crazed Twitwards who would sell their mother’s organs on the black market in order to buy a small jar of his body barf. RPattz would be happier, because he’d have more money in pocket and thousands of maggots would stop following his ass wherever he went. This is a win/win.

Here’s Purrell’s Most Wanted with the other Twilight kids at a photo call in Paris yesterday.

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