Piece Of Trash!

Here’s a few outtakes from Harper’s Bazaar of Kristen Stewart, her wig and the Keeper of the Magical Forest getting all close. This is also proof that Kristen can’t act her way out of any kind of bag even when she tries. Okay, the truth is, I like Kristen’s trash bag gown, but only because it reminds me of one of my favorite homeless ladies in NYC. This one hot bitch always ran around the streets wearing a dress made out of Hefty sacks and Ziploc bags. She once called me a “shifty fag.” It really was love at first hate.

Anyway, don’t let these pictures fool you. RPattz and Kristen are definitely not bumping taints under the sheets. RPattz is only looking at her like that, because he’s picturing her as a giant corn on the cob. Corn brings out of his emotions.

RPattz And An Ear Of Corn

The Keeper of the Unicorn Forest even brings the raw sparkly emotion when he’s got a lobster bib tied around his neck and an ear of corn in his hand. Look at him smoldering out of his every pore. I don’t know if he wants to throw that corn into a fire or seductively breathe onto its neck (yes, corn cobs have necks) like he’s ready to suck an orgasm out of it.

That corn just wants to dry up and pop into a bowl of buttery popcorn. Maybe then RPattz will be pleased with it? Who knows, but I do know that I need to see more dramatic performances like this when I go to Red Lobster. We shouldn’t laugh and smile over lobsters. We must brooooooood.

Anyway, RPattz did a whole lot of simmering in December’s Vanity Fair. The shoot was typical RPattz. In one photo, he’s like “Oh hey, look at me! I’m James Dean.” And in another, he’s like “Oh hey, look at me! I’m using a piano like an ottoman.” Etc…Etc….

In the interview with Vanity Fair, RPattz once again denies that he’s rubbing on that Kristen Stewart chick. RPattz said, “It doesn’t make any difference what you say to the tabloids. I’ve literally been across the country from Kristen, and it’s like ‘Oh, they were on secret dates!’ It’s like ‘Where? I can’t get out of my hotel room!’ ”

I believe him. I mean, he doesn’t have time to fuck on girls when he’s too busy pondering over things like corn.

Pics: Vanity Fair

RPattz On Your Crotch

RPanttiez vants to suck your blood….during that time of the month.

You know, just like the Twidildo, this makes all sorts of sense. I mean, Edward Cullen is responsible for thousands of pairs of chonies getting covered in massive amounts of creme de la coochie. So panties with his mouth on the labia area was the next natural step.

At this point, it won’t be long for some bitches puts out sparkly Twitamponz. It won’t leave a drop! The “Jacob Black Twitampon” will be extra furry for those with heavy flow.

Source: Robert Pattinson Online via The Frisky

Sparkly Vampires Are Funny

When the keeper of the unicorn forest Robert Pattinson farts, crazed Twihards within a 3-mile radius immediately drop their Twidildos and rush to his ass to suck up the essence of his butt air. Truth. So, RPattz is causing my eyeballs to do the wave by saying he can’t get a date. Maybe he can’t get a date with a sane person, but he can definitely get a date. We know.

Here’s what RPattz told the Sydney Morning Herald (via People), “Girls scream out for Edward, not Robert. I still can’t get a date. Like yesterday, I was having lunch down the road. We were in this place for a couple of hours and suddenly there was like 400 people outside on the street. It was just so nuts and it’s like that all the time now.”

It’s obvious that RPattz is busting glitter bombs all over that Kristen Stewart girl, so this “Iz kant gitz a datez” wolfshit is just for show. The truth is, there are millions of insane bitches who would go on a date with a piece of RPattz’s caca! Seriously, they would take it to Olive Garden, stroke its back when it got scared during a horror movie, and gently peck it on the lips on the porch of its house at the end of the night.

Taylor Lautner Is 17

So check your state or country laws before your fuck parts start salivating over him. You do not want to share a cell with Roman Polanski, because he looks like a snorer….and a night farter. Anyway, here’s the wolfie boy from Twilight getting wet and jumping around during a Rolling Stone photo shoot in Malibu yesterday.

Whenever I see this dude, he’s always bouncing in the air like the ground is filled with Parasite Hilton’s toxic cooch warts. It’s like he’s got springs instead of bones. If he flips around like that on the sand, imagine what he can do on your… Actually, don’t imagine that before checking with Chris Hansen first.

The Keeper Of The Unicorn Forest To Play The Prince Of The Ginges?!

This shit right here really gives me a reason to grab a bottle of peach Schnapps and go back to bed. There’s a hateful rumor flying around the internet that a sparkly vampire is in the running to play a piping hot stick of ginge. Why don’t they just go all the way and pull out my heart by casting Katherine Hagel or CHERYL BURKE as Prince Hot Ginge? Make it quick.

Last Week, director Peter Kosminsky said he’s currently working on a biopic of Prince Hot Ginge’s life called The Spare. Peter is in the middle of naming the lucky bitch who will don the ginge to play Prince Harry and RPattz’s name has been thrown in the ring. Rupert Grint, the ginge in the Harry Potter movies, has also been mentioned.

Okay, I can almost co-sign Rupert as Prince Harry, because at least he’s been naturally blessed with the ginge, but RPATZZ?! Shit don’t make sense. I don’t think it’s possible to dye RPattz’s magical forest hair. The unicorns will never ever allow it and the glitter will always shine through. Even if they were able to douse his hair with ginge and wipe that constant “I Haz Fart” look on his face, he’s still not the one to play Hot Ginge!

Peter is wasting time with the flavors of the month and he needs to look at the classic ginges of our time like ROJO CALIENTE. Rojo is definitely the one. Rojo is always the one.

VIA BuddyTV