Love Doesn’t Live On This Planet Anymore: Geoffrey Edelsten Is Divorcing His Latest Gold-Digging Wife

Quick recap time!

Geoffrey Edelsten is a 72-year-old Australian medical entrepreneur/tabloid mess who is mostly known to me for his impeccable taste for graceful American gold digging blossoms such as his second wife, the eternal earth angel Brynne Edelsten. Geoffrey has truly mastered the art of picking out the finest of gold diggers.

Gabi Grecko is Geoffrey’s 26-year-old third wife who is a former HSOTD, a DJ/fashion designer from Miami and is one of my current fashion icons because she always looks like she just placed first in a bad drag contest. Gabi announced in June that Geoffrey busted a load of jizz dust up in her and she got knocked up. Well, Gabi will soon be inducted into the Ex-Wives Of Geoffrey Edelsten Club, because they’re getting divorced. And their marriage isn’t going down without a scandal.

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Zac Efron And Michelle Rodriguez Aren’t A Thing Anymore

There will be no 0 carat, princess cut crack rock engagement rings. There will be no wedding where the guests will gasp when Michelle Rodriguez lifts Zac Efron’s veil and reveals his stunningly made up wedding day face. There will be no baby that’s a giant six pack with brows. There will be none of that, because Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez are done doing whatever it is they were doing for the past 2 months.

Several multiple sources (read: Zac’s PR bitch, Michi’s PR bitch, that Italian daddy, etc) tell UsWeekly that they had a major fight in Ibiza and left the shattered pieces of their genuine love on the shores of Spain.

“Michelle is going to do her own thing. Zac knew this about her when he got with her,” a second source tells Us. “He’s very into her though, and perhaps more than she’s into him.”

Indeed, despite calling it quits, Efron, 26, hasn’t lost hope on the relationship. “Zac still wants to be with her,” the first source adds.

“He’s very into her” translates into “She gets the best kind of bad shit.”

Sadly for all of us, this shit ended without them leaking some kind of sex tape. Damn that Zac for ruining EVERYTHING. Damn him for making his scissor sister mad by stealing her stash. Or maybe Michelle’s the one who screwed up by cheating on him badly when she used the double-sided dildo they shared on another whore. Damn them both.

Here’s MRod mourning the loss of Zachelle by partying with some hot chicks at Nikki Beach Club in Marbella a few days ago.

Joe Jonas And Bland Eggs’ Long-Term Contract Expired

Dear aspiring beards, immediately update your headshot with Kelly Preston’s Beard Placement Agency, because Joe Jonas is back out on the stroll now that he’s done with the Swedish model/graphic designer whose name sounds like the name of a character McDonald’s invented to sell their McEggs Benedict, or like the name of a dirty, messy sex act involving unsalted egg whites and a fist.

UsWeekly says that 24-year-old Joe Jonas and 30-year-old Blanda Eggenschwiler (whose name translates into “egg white omelet hold the salt” in the Norrland dialect) are over after almost 2 years together. It’s a sad day for the meaning of true love when Joe Jonas and a beard can’t come to an agreement during contract re-negotiations. Bland Eggs and Joe Jonas met through a “mutual friend”  in November 2012. Joe’s rep confirms to UsWeekly that he shaved Bland Eggs off of his face. The rep also spit out the same canned, generic response that every spokewhore spits out when a famous ho breaks up with their piece:

“Joe and Blanda have mutually decided to part ways. The split was amicable and the two remain friends, with great respect for one another.”

Some source tells E! that Joe and Bland Eggs broke up, because they wanted to do new things and that’s WAY too easy.

“It was mutual. They both wanted to do new things. Joe wants to be single right now and they thought it was better if they are just friends.”

While Joe and Bland Eggs were together, Blind Gossip hocked up blind item after blind item about how he’s a dragon-chasing heroin addict and she’s his supplier. I always side-eyed those blind items, because Joe Jonas’ eyebrows have always been as luscious as a black bear’s landing strip and doesn’t heroin eat your eyebrows first? Or am I confusing it with meth?

But seriously, they had a good run and they should’ve broken up after that sex tape rumor, because their relationship peaked when we all pictured Bland Eggs doing Joe Jonas with a long, fat dildo as he bit onto his purity ring.

And Bland Eggs should date and marry Arnold Schwarzenegger next, so her name can be Blanda Eggenschwiler-Schwarzenegger

Cue A Kramer Vs. Kramer Custody Battle Over The Wigs In 3…2…1….

I guess it’s safe to call 2013 the year that true love died; so much dust has been bitten in the past 12 months, it’s like The Grim Reaper of Relationships opened an all-you-can-eat dust buffet (I’d like to think Tan Mom’s split was the dusty hand-carved roast beef of the buffet. And yes, I have NO idea what that means). But the Grim Reaper proved he wasn’t full from 28 plates of boring hetero relationships and decided on drag queens for dessert. WASN’T MADONNA AND BABY BRAHIM ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?

According to People, it’s time to throw on some latex gloves and wheel another relationship into the morgue, because Sharon Needles (The First Lady of Nightmares) and Alaska (Most Likely To Be Mistaken For A Drowsy Tori Spelling) took their relationship to the Interior Illusions Lounge, let it polish off 12-14 Absolut cocktails, and fall asleep into a pool of its own vomit, because it’s officially dead:

Needles, who won season 4 of the show, and Alaska, who was a runner up the following season, announced their breakup “on good terms” in a tongue-in-cheek press release, and included their wish “to clarify their intentions to admirers who may question the reason behind this mutual decision not to continue their relationship.”

“The survival of our partnership relies on simply changing the word ‘boy’ in boyfriend to ‘best,'” Needles says. “And because of my severe vanity, I’d like to keep my social media as a place dedicated to my art, and not a place to talk about my personal life.”

“RuPaul once said that people come into our lives for different reasons for different intervals of time,” says Needles of her relationship, which began when they met in Pittsburgh. “I will treasure the four years we had together.”

Sharon, help me lift this heavy box filled with oh, puh-lease. Post-breakup, everyone acts all Oprah’s Next Chapter-level zen until you run into your ex a week later at the mall getting a fucking Wetzel’s Pretzles with some trick-ass ho, and then you find yourself in the parking lot keying ‘YOU COULDN’T WAIT TILL MY CORPSE WAS COLD BEFORE YOU FUCKED ALL OVER MY GRAVE?!?’ on the hood of their car. I mean…not that I know from experience. Sharon, I have..uh..a friend who thinks you should avoid the mall for the next couple months.

(Pic via Tumblr)