Liam Gallagher Still Has A Very Healthy Relationship With His Brother

If I know anything about Liam and Noel Gallagher, it’s that the only thing they hate more than Adele and popular music is each other. Now, there are two ways to keep the fires of a feud burning. You can pull a Mariah Carey and softly fan the hot coals of hate by continually refusing to acknowledge said person you’re feuding with. Or you can do like Liam Gallagher did recently and dump an entire can of gasoline on it.

This all happened on Twitter, which makes sense, since Twitter is basically the internet’s unsupervised fire pit. The Independent isn’t sure what set Liam off, but they think it might have had something to do with some positive comments Noel received during a recent Gigwise interview about his upcoming third solo album. Because he’s such a sweet, supportive younger brother, Liam decided to congratulate Noel by coming hard for him and his producer David Holmes. David was dragged into this mess, because he was responsible for the nice words, which included calling Noel’s new album “fun.” Liam opened with a slap at David for being a “YES man“, then proceeded to shit all over Noel and compare him to a ground-dwelling vegetable.

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Take A Seat Noel, It’s Liam Gallagher’s Turn To Bitch About Popular Music

The BRIT Awards were last night, and even an Ask Zandar game with two nearly-dead AA batteries in it could have predicted that Adele would walk away with the most awards. She took home trophies for British Female Solo Artist, Global Success Award, British Album of the Year, and British Single of the Year. They only give out 14 awards at the BRITs, which means Adele basically won almost 30% of them. Dear BRITs: Next time, save time and money by melting all the awards together into a giant ball and carve the word BEST into it.

Naturally I assumed that sort of math would cause We Hate Adele club president Noel Gallagher to spit out his cornflakes in disgust and release an angry statement about it all. But I guess he was busy, because we got an angry statement from his brother Liam Gallagher instead. Shortly after the BRIT Awards aired, Liam jumped onto Twitter and took a dump on the winners.

Where do I fucking start LG x

— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) February 24, 2016

Music in the UK has been abducted by massive cunts THE END LG x

— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) February 24, 2016

Thank fuck I got out when I got out out LG x

— Liam Gallagher (@liamgallagher) February 24, 2016

“You hear that everyone? He called me massive! Looks like I AM a big boy now!” said 2016 BRIT Award International Male Solo Artist winner Justin Bieber.

I don’t remember reading anything in the news about an alien race of “massive cunts” descending upon the UK and abducting the music industry (which I’m totally picturing as looking like the aliens from Spice World). So I don’t know how accurate that statement is. But Liam is right about one thing: the quality of music in the UK isn’t nearly as good as it used to be. Example: S Club 7 – unquestionably the greatest artists to ever come out of the UK – haven’t released an album in over 14 years. That’s tragic! Hang your head in shame, music industry.

Pic: Splash

Blind Item Solved (And It’s Not Chris Martin)

Those bitches at Page Six just had to go and murder my dream of seeing Goopy Paltrow rage eat an entire can of Easy Cheese after finding out that Chris Martin bareback boned a hush baby into an American one-night-trick. (Actually, Goopy would probably love it, because you’re not officially a blue blood until your husband has fathered a child with a common peasant.)

Over the weekend, The Sun published a story about a married British rock star who made a baby during a one-night-stand with a woman from NYC. When the woman told the rock dude that she was knocked up with their daughter, he told her to eat shit and go away. So she got her lawyers on his ass and demanded over 3 million dollars plus child support in exchange for her silence. The rock star started freaking out because he didn’t want his wife to find out. The Sun put a black bar over the rock star’s identity, because they couldn’t name him for legal reasons.

Some guessed that it wasn’t about Chris Martin and it was about Liam Gallagher of Oasis. My stupid ass waved away those guesses, because I didn’t think that there was a living human woman on this planet who’d let that pimpled glum cunt run up in between her wonder walls raw. I was wrong, you were right. Page Six says that an unnamed entertainment reporter from New York is suing Liam Gallagher in Manhattan Family Court for $3 million. The entertainment reporter type claims that she made a daughter, who is almost one year old, with Liam and she needs all those millions to take care of her kid.

The lawyers for both sides tried to keep the media from finding out. They had a hearing last Friday and it was listed under “Anonymous v. Anonymous.” There’s going to be another hearing next month.

Liam is married to former All Saint Nicole Appleton (seen above gracefully framing her face with two fuck you fingers) and he has three kids. Liam talked about moving to NYC once his kids get older, and he bought a $2.5 condo last year.

It all makes sense now. No wonder why the mother wants to keep a question mark over her face. Who in the hell wants everyone to know that they let Liam’s Sam the Eagle-looking ass hit it without a condom on? Letting Liam do you bareback-style is like screaming, “I REALLY WANT GONORRHEA!” Well, at least she got a baby (and probably millions of dollars) out of it instead of an STD. But I’m still mad at her, because while Liam was banging a bag of money into her uterus, she could’ve trimmed those wild bear brows with her teeth.