Blind Item Solved (And It’s Not Chris Martin)

July 17, 2013 / Posted by:

Those bitches at Page Six just had to go and murder my dream of seeing Goopy Paltrow rage eat an entire can of Easy Cheese after finding out that Chris Martin bareback boned a hush baby into an American one-night-trick. (Actually, Goopy would probably love it, because you’re not officially a blue blood until your husband has fathered a child with a common peasant.)

Over the weekend, The Sun published a story about a married British rock star who made a baby during a one-night-stand with a woman from NYC. When the woman told the rock dude that she was knocked up with their daughter, he told her to eat shit and go away. So she got her lawyers on his ass and demanded over 3 million dollars plus child support in exchange for her silence. The rock star started freaking out because he didn’t want his wife to find out. The Sun put a black bar over the rock star’s identity, because they couldn’t name him for legal reasons.

Some guessed that it wasn’t about Chris Martin and it was about Liam Gallagher of Oasis. My stupid ass waved away those guesses, because I didn’t think that there was a living human woman on this planet who’d let that pimpled glum cunt run up in between her wonder walls raw. I was wrong, you were right. Page Six says that an unnamed entertainment reporter from New York is suing Liam Gallagher in Manhattan Family Court for $3 million. The entertainment reporter type claims that she made a daughter, who is almost one year old, with Liam and she needs all those millions to take care of her kid.

The lawyers for both sides tried to keep the media from finding out. They had a hearing last Friday and it was listed under “Anonymous v. Anonymous.” There’s going to be another hearing next month.

Liam is married to former All Saint Nicole Appleton (seen above gracefully framing her face with two fuck you fingers) and he has three kids. Liam talked about moving to NYC once his kids get older, and he bought a $2.5 condo last year.

It all makes sense now. No wonder why the mother wants to keep a question mark over her face. Who in the hell wants everyone to know that they let Liam’s Sam the Eagle-looking ass hit it without a condom on? Letting Liam do you bareback-style is like screaming, “I REALLY WANT GONORRHEA!” Well, at least she got a baby (and probably millions of dollars) out of it instead of an STD. But I’m still mad at her, because while Liam was banging a bag of money into her uterus, she could’ve trimmed those wild bear brows with her teeth.

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