Jill Zarin Is Judging You, Duchess Kate

At the beginning of last season’s The Real Housewhiners of New York, Jill Zarin nearly OY VEY-ed herself into a puddle of neurotic frustration when both Ramona and Alex showed up to a wedding wearing shades of cream. According to Jill, the wedding etiquette she pulled out of her own ass states that guests should never ever EVER ever wear anything in the white family. It is forbidden by law or some shit. (Question for Jill: But I’ve been to some weddings where the bride wore jorts, flip flops and an “I’m Marrying Stupid” t-shirt. Does this mean I can’t wear jorts and flip flops too? Does this mean I can wear a white wedding gown and veil? Please advise.)

Well, guess who broke the law according to Jill Zarin when she showed up to the wedding of Prince Willy and Hot Ginge’s cousin in head-to-toe cream? Okay, it’s more like the color of leche con a drop of cafe (or like the color of a post-butt sex condom), but still!

Not only did Kate steal all of the attention away from Zara Phillips by wearing an embroidered corn tortilla coat, but not one guest at the wedding could concentrate on the ceremony. They were all too busy trying to fight the craving for thin crust pizza dough, a round tamale and a poorly made Awesome Blossom while staring at the mess on Kate’s head. Making it all about you: Duchess Kate knows how to do it.

And now, instead of wanting to talk about Zara’s dress, I want to nibble on an Awesome Blossom wrapped in pizza dough. Kate is good.

Here’s a few more pictures from this morning’s latest royal hat convention. In order: Duchess Kate with Prince William, Zara with her new husband Mike Tindall, THE QUEEN with her pocketbook, Prince Hot Ginge, Prince Charles, Princess Bea and the Duchess of Cornbread with some Wind of the Willows shit on her head.

Would You Two Like To Be Alone?

Before leaving North America on a COMMERCIAL FLIGHT (it’s all their welfare pounds could afford them) yesterday afternoon, Prince William and Duchess Kate spent the morning doing arts shit with a bunch of kids at the Inner City Arts in L.A. They painted pictures of snails, they made handprint plaques and then Prince Willy perfectly ended his trip to California by rolling out a statue of something that I may or may not try to harden in my down low kiln. There are minors in this post, so I’m not going to say anything that will cause Chris Hansen to pull out of his side whore in order to pour me a glass of watered down iced tea.

Let’s just say that Prince Willy’s art piece isn’t a bottom-heavy, wiggly uncut peen, and is simply just his artistic interpretation of what Prince Philip’s tongue looks like when The Queen finally puts down her purse (a euphemism: that’s one) at the end of the night. Yes, Prince Philip’s tongue is shaped just like Jennifer Love Hewitt.

JLo Keeps It Demure And Elegant For Prince William & Duchess Kate

Because the real A-listers and superstars were at the other royal event of the night (The Empress of Lucite’s Tupperware and dildo party), Prince William and Duchess Kate had to hang out with the likes of JLo and her mother Guadalupe at last night’s BAFTA Brits To Watch event in L.A. JLo was kind enough to pay tribute to Prince William by wearing a bald spot gown that showed off Skeletor’s favorite part of her body to do lines of dried virgin blood off of.

Even though Lupe Lopez slipped on the lard of elegance that dripped off of JLo, not everyone was hypnotized by her beauty. That gold BAFTA mask is definitely frowning with his eyes, because he’s about 2 inches away from losing his nose to JLo’s hongray hongray culo.

And hopefully, JLo’s taste for exquisite cut-outs inspired Kate Middleton to bring The Slut Dress out of retirement and onto the royal stage.

The Royals Have Arrived (Try To Give A Shit)!

Prince William and Duchess Kate flew into LAX today and they were immediately greeted by some ho who gave her an FTD patriotic bouquet leftover from a Fourth of July barbecue. (I see the yellowing. Don’t try to fool, bitch.) Kate Middleton wore some dress that I’m sure will sell out in three min – it’s sold out – and she quickly changed into the L.A. uniform of choice: UGGS, ripped denim shorts, a white tank top and a Burberry scarf.

Later tonight, they’ll all pile into a Range Rover to drive 4 hours in traffic to get to a Starbucks 5 miles away for Frapps and a bathroom break. Then they’ll eat the flashes of the paps at the Look At Me Cafe with Chicken Cutlets before dancing on top of Kim Kardashian’s ass until they get really tired and have to check into rehab for exhaustion.

Welcome to America!!!!

By the way, doesn’t Kate know that when you come to somebody’s house you should always bring a hostess gift. Would it have killed her to bring a half used Glade candle, a 3-pack of wine coolers, a tub of barf wipes (the perfect hostess gift, honestly) or a greased up and naked Prince Hot Ginge?! And she calls herself a lady of manners. RUDE!

You Can Leave The Hat On

Yesterday was Prince William and Duchess Catherine’s second to last day in Canada and three major things happened: Will and Kate wore big ass white cowboy hats that were almost bigger than their big ass white molars, the fart from the wind pushed up Kate’s dress which almost revealed the “Property of The Queen” brand on her upper ass cheek and the rotten piece of bitter flesh in my chest nearly burped up a beat when Kate met with a young cancer patient. But first, the hat!

Prince William doesn’t do shit for me. Looking at him feels like getting teabagged in the eyes with a pair of wet, cold, used Earl Grey bags. My eyes make the same expression they’d make if I was eating a soggy crumpet out of a bulldog’s ass (cut to this face). But what do you know? Throw some Brokeback Mountain on his body and suddenly I’m neigh-ing like Camilla when Prince Charles comes prancing into the room dressed up like a Tampax Pearl. Don’t get me wrong, my genitals still pledge the allegiance to Prince Hot Ginge, but Prince William has got me rubbing my moustache (aka pubes) at this interesting development! He should just glue that hat onto his head, because it’s doing something right for him. Now on to the Kate and the young cancer patient….

6-year-old Diamond Marshall, who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer last year and lost her mother to the disease when she was 18-months-old, met Kate Middleton in Calgary with help from the Children’s Wish Foundation after she wrote this letter:

July 8th is the day it is revealed to me that a letter from a cancer patient on pink paper is my Kryptonite. Yes, you’ve got something in your eye. Just tell your co-workers that you’ve been shooting heroin into your eyeballs in the bathroom again. Or tell them your eyelids are sweating because you exhausted yourself from choking out a kitten earlier. You have a reputation to uphold!

And long before Pippa Middleton flies little Diamond to London and takes her to lunch to Princess Diana’s favorite restaurant?! Pippa will not be topped!

Welcome To Canada And Shit

The Duke and Dutchess of Cambridge, Willy and Wait, arrived in Ontario Canada today to grace their loyal subjects with their presence. It is only fitting that they ventured their royal selves to “the honeymoon capital of the Commonwealth” as proclaimed by Governor General David Johnston today in his welcome speech. You can read more about it at Reuters if you need the skinny on what they’ll be up to during their visit.

Personally, I would rather post pics of PHG in tight shirts, but if you’re into white bread, rice cakes, and plain cold oatmeal, here is the royal couple and possible future King and Queen of the Commonwealth for your viewing pleasure.