Somebody’s Weird Creampie Fantasy About Joan Rivers Came True At A Party Last Night

If you looked at this picture of the Cryptkeeper’s sassy grandma and got the feel goods in your no-nos, I’d strongly advise you to call up a shrink or an exorcist or something, because no one with a shred of sanity left should ever get turned on by a cream-covered Joan Rivers. That’s the kind of secret you take to your grave, like having not-right feelings for your cousin or that time you shoplifted Alanis from Sears.

Last night, Joan Rivers confused onlookers when she emerged from the QVC pre-Oscars event at the Four Seasons (everything about that sentence sounds so alagant to me) angry, disheveled, and covered in cream. She wouldn’t say what happened, but unless she was outing herself as a sploshing enthusiast (do not google that), it was clear that she had been cake bombed.

However, something in the milk wasn’t clean to me. The placement of the cream on her face was too precise to be the result of an ambush. And unless there was a second cake bomber from above, the angle to which the cream hit her hair is too high. I don’t believe she was cake bombed at all; I believe this was…A STAGED PUBLICITY STUNT. You can call me Marg Helgenberger, cause I just CSI-ed the b-hole out of this bitch.

Aaaaaand, I was right. According to E! Online, the reason Joan’s face was covered in cream was because Miss Piggy (no, not Kim K’s dick-hungry crotch hog…Miss Piggy the muppet) pushed her into a cake backstage at the party. Well, the hand up a puppet’s ass pushed her into a cake. Apparently, the two have some kind of human-puppet feud, probably because Joan Rivers is jealous of Miss Piggy’s natural-looking facial sculpting (Fix-A-Flat will never be a substitute for high-density foam). Of course, their cake-fight just happens to coincide with Miss Piggy’s appearance on QVC and the release of the film Muppets Most Wanted.

Here’s more of Joan looking like what might pop out of a cake at the world’s most terrifying birthday party, as well as Joan after her fight with Miss Piggy:

(Pics: Splash)

Joan Rivers Comes For North West

But before we get into the PlasticFace vs. PlasticFace war of 2014, let’s all slow clap for the artiste who pasted Kanye West’s head onto that picture in Photoshop. It almost looks like he was actually spending time with his kid and she isn’t hugging on her favorite weekday nanny instead.

So, during her stand-up show at the Saban Theater in L.A. on Friday night, Joan Rivers did what Joan Rivers does: drag hos and this time she dragged a baby. Joan told the audience about how Kim Kartrashian brought North into the E! offices one day and she got a good look at the Illuminati’s chosen one. According to Radar, the woman who gave birth to Melissa Rivers said this about Baby Seaweed’s looks and all-natural eyebrow situation:

“That baby is ugly… I’ve never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a waxing.”

That is everyone’s cue to put on a gas mask and stay inside until the US Environmental Protection Agency tells us it’s clear, because the air will fill with toxic clouds of burnt plastic, charred silicone, melting rubber, scorched Botox and exploding gay fish anus when Pimp Mama Kris, Kanye and Joan Rivers go at it over this. Oh, what am I saying. PMK probably sent Joan a basket full of Liquid Nails (Botox is for amateurs) and labia bleaching cream as a thank you gift for giving her future little money maker more attention.

Joan Rivers vs. Costco

The chunkiest moose knuckle I’ve ever witnessed live with my own eyes was in the freezer section of a Costco and it was on a dude who was 30 pounds of sweet sugar in a 5 pound sack made of stretchy sweat pants. So, Costco will let a moose knuckle that almost kicked me to the ground stroll through their aisles, but they won’t carry a bestselling book with some semi R-rated words on its back cover. That bestselling book was written by Joan Rivers and she isn’t having it. Joan is not one to let  a shameless STUNT QUEEN opportunity pass her by, so she crashed into the Costco in Burbank, CA and staged her own protest.

TMZ has video of Joan comparing Costco to Nazi Germany for banning her book “I Hate Everyone Starting With Me.” Joan screamed out some things about Costco burning the bible next before she awkwardly handcuffed herself to a woman’s cart. If I was that lady, I’d be farting out piss. How dare Joan Rivers take her cart hostage when she’s got 18 boxes of frozen pretzels to buy and free samples of delicious corn dogs to eat. But the lady took it well and laughed with Joan until the cops came. The cops told Joan to leave and she did. Joan later told the local ABC station that Costco is messing with her First Amendment rights:

“Costco, who sells condoms by the pallet, who sells Paula Deen books and—which is not good for their customers’ health—they decided to ban my book. This is a store that sells 300 rolls of toilet paper at the same time, and I say any customer that buys 300 rolls of toilet paper deserves a funny book to sit on the toilet and read.”

Costco isn’t giving in to Joan by selling her book, but she did get a lot of free publicity out of the stunt and sold around 150 books to customers in the parking lot.

If there was a Costco near me and I was a member of it, I would totally boycott them for boycotting semi R-rated words like “shit” and “fuck“! Okay, I’m lying. No, I wouldn’t. I would still go to Costco, because where else can I get a few servings of moose knuckle and corn dog bits?

Joan Rivers’ Tip For Keeping Your Pits Stank-Free

Here I was thinking that Joan Rivers had two Little Trees surgically implanted into her armpits so they don’t reek, but I was wrong. Joan Rivers armpits are capable of stinking, but she uses one of my most loyal friends to keep this under control. At the Night of a Billion Reality Stars event in Hollywood last night, Joan told Page Six that filling her pit pores with vodka keeps the BO away:

“I always spray my costumes with vodka and water. It’s an old Broadway trick — two-thirds water and one-third vodka, spray your armpits and you’ll never smell again.”

This is a good tip if you don’t mind that a Lohan will most likely stick a straw in your armpit by the end of the night. But if they don’t, you can wring your armpit out into a cocktail glass after last call and have yourself a delicious pit-tini. Vodka is seriously MAGIC!

Joan Rivers vs. SamRo

And in today’s Twatter battles, we’ve got Joan Rivers melting in one corner and SamRo sitting in the other corner so mad that she could chew the dick off of David. It all started when Joan stepped up to the mic and made a few funny jokes about Lindsay Lohan’s ridiculousness. Well, SamRo apparently thinks she’s the only one who can point and laugh at LiLo, because she threw a “You so old the Museum of Natural History Museum wants to buy a lock of your pubic hair” joke at Joan Rivers.

This is what Joan wrote on her Twatter:

Lindsay Lohan said she wouldn’t mind being under oath because she thought Oath was a Norwegian ski instructor.
2:57 PM Jul 9th via web

Lindsay Lohan is so dumb. Her idea of being sworn in is cursing at the judge.
3:38 PM Jul 9th via web

I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 Proof.
3:44 PM Jul 9th via web

Lindsay Lohan had “Fuck You” painted on her nails. What people don’t know is that the judge had “Eat me you party skank,” painted on hers.
about 22 hours ago via web

And SamRo tried to double fan kick Joan in the taint with this:

Hey Joan Rivers- you have collagen older than Lindsay, pick on someone your own age, oh wait, I guess people that old can’t hear. #bully
about 16 hours ago via web

Yes, it’s true that Joan Rivers eardrums retired years ago and are now carpet bowling champions at a seniors community in Boca, but what does that have to do with her READING SamRo’s Tweet? The dumb bitch! SamRo might have a point about Joan Rivers being older than Larry King’s first cock ring, but she should save her strokes for something else (leave your suggestions here). Because Joan simply #doesntgiveafuck.

via People