Doctors Are Slowly Bringing Joan Rivers Out Of Medically Induced Coma

Seen above in happier days with that hot piece from Rocky the Musical (just focus on his nipples and try not to spend too much on the “cumming and pooping at the same time” face he’s making), 81-year-old Joan Rivers is slowly being pulled out of the coma that doctors put her in after her endoscopy made a sharp turn down MAN DOWN CODE 10 Way and she stopped breathing. Joan was put on life support and her doctors placed her in a medically induced coma, and hopefully for the past few days she’s been in a magical dreamland where she’s been watching her arch rival Elizabeth Taylor eat at McDonald’s. The NYDN says that doctors and Joan’s family have made the decision to bring her out of a coma to see how she does.

A source tells the NYDN that yesterday, doctors began lifting her out of a coma and the process will be done by tomorrow. Doctors could quickly bring her out of the coma by whispering, “There’s a Botox shortage,” in her ear, but they need to bring her out slowly. The source claims that doctors are afraid that the part of her brain that controls her motor skills could’ve been damaged, which means she could end up in a wheelchair or not be able to talk, walk and do anything on her own. Shit is already on the top level of serious and it could get even more serious. Melissa Rivers is apparently considering throwing a lawsuit at the clinic where Joan had the throat procedure done. The source said this about that:

“Shock and upset is turning to anger, and they are looking for someone to blame. The night before, she was performing and now she is on life support. An 81-year-old should not have that procedure as an outpatient. Very ill-advised.”

Some other source said that Joan would never want to live unless she is able to live a full life and can take care of herself. Melissa said in a statement yesterday that her family has their “fingers crossed.”

Everything I know about medically induced comas, I learned while watching a novella with my abuelita years ago. I don’t remember the name of that shit, but in it, doctors brought the patriarch of some rich family out of a coma and he was a completely different person. He was the total opposite. So if novellas are real-life, then when Joan comes out of a coma, she’ll be a pro-Palestine activist who loves playing pokah and wears CROCs and skorts.

If Joan doesn’t pull through, then we’ll probably be living in a world where Ghouliana Rancic is the head host of Fashion Police and considered the authority on award show fashion. NOOOOOOOO! Pull through, Joan! Pull through!

Joan Rivers Is Currently On Life Support

I figured if there was any time to post a gorgeous picture of Joan Rivers serving up stunning 80s pink taffeta realness with the most glamorous creature in the universe, Miss Piggy, it was now. On Thursday night, Melissa Rivers released a statement regarding the status of her mother’s condition after Joan’s heart stopped working during a procedure at a clinic, saying that Joan was in resting comfortably in a coma (which made me hopeful, because if daytime TV has taught me anything, it’s that people wake up from comas all the time).

But today TMZ is bringing us the shitty news that Joan Rivers has been put on life support, and that her family will have the next couple days to decide when to turn the machines off. TMZ says that Joan’s family is hopeful that an angel dressed like Loretta Castorini will descend from Heaven and tell her to snap out of it, and the NY Daily News says she’s surrounded by her family at this time.

I was under the impression that Joan would out-live us all (considering she’s had considerable upgrades done in the past 20 or so years) so I don’t know what to think. I definitely don’t want to think about her being escorted up to Heaven by the ghost of Spike, and I DEFINITELY don’t want to think about poor Melissa having to make the decision to pull the plug on her own mother (too sad). But I suppose if sad shit is mean to happen, at least Joan herself can tell me everything is going to be OK (skip to the 23:27 mark and get your finest Joan Rivers for QVC scarf ready to dab at your eyes):

Melissa Says Joan Rivers Is “Resting Comfortably” After Being Rushed To The Hospital Yesterday

When it was reported yesterday that Joan Rivers had been rushed to the hospital after her heart stopped beating and her lungs stopped breathing during a throat procedure at a clinic, my first reaction was to scream out NOOOOO! while clutching at an egg of Sully Putty and praying the Rosary on the fine craftsmanship and exquisite detail of a Joan Rivers for HSN beaded necklace. But my second reaction was the same as J Harveys: we both immediately cried “WHAT ABOUT MELISSA?!?”, because what the hell would Melissa Rivers do without her mom?

Thankfully we don’t have to cross that bridge just yet, but it sounds like we shouldn’t disassemble our prayer shrines either. Us Weekly says that Joan is currently in a medically-induced coma, while Melissa has released a statement via a rep from Mount Sinai (the hospital where Joan is laid up) that her mom is doing okay for now:

“I want to thank everyone for the overwhelming love and support for my mother. She is resting comfortably and is with our family. We ask that you continue to keep her in your thoughts and prayers.”

Joan has been in the hospital for around 24-hours, and already her condition has been upgraded twice from “critical’ to “stable” to “resting comfortably”. Bitch works fast! I’m hoping that at this rate, her condition will be upgraded to “watching reruns of House Hunters on HGTV” before Sunday. Then on Monday morning, she’ll appear on HSN hustling her new line of exquisitely crafted 14K rose gold IV catheters and hissing insults about how hideous her nurse’s scrubs were on Fashion Police (what am I saying? She’s probably already doing that from her hospital bed).

But in the meantime, I’ll go back to my praying over my egg of Silly Putty and this picture of Joan and her Yorkie, Spike. If anyone can save Joan, it’s Spike!

Joan Rivers Stopped Breathing And Maybe Went Into Cardiac Arrest During Surgery This Morning (UPDATE)

According to TMZ, 81-year-old comedian and life legend Joan Rivers was rushed to the hospital this morning during a throat procedure at a clinic in New York. Joan was having some shit done to her vocal cords when she stopped breathing and was rushed to Mount Sinai. TMZ says that shortly before 10:00am, an emergency call was placed to 911 saying that someone (Joan) was in either cardiac or respiratory arrest. Other than that, the only thing we know is that her daughter Melissa is on her way to the hospital.

No! Not Joan! The walls in my house aren’t long enough for the slow wall slide of sadness I need to do right now, so I’m dropping to the floor and doing the slow floor slide of sadness all the way down my hallway. I don’t care if I get splinters in my ass! Joan is worth it! It might also be worth it if you have a fancy memaw in your life to ask if she has any jewelery from the Joan Rivers for HSN collection that you could borrow (trust me, she does; all fancy memaws do) and form a prayer circle using the most exquisite pieces. Joan’s timeless joo-rey can fix anything.

UPDATE: The NYPD have said that at one point Joan’s heart stopped beating, and that she is currently in critical condition.

UPDATE #2: E! has confirmed that Joanie’s condition has been upgraded from critical to stable:

Joan Rivers Refuses To Apologize For Calling Michelle Obama A “Tranny”

I will say this: The Joker’s grandma is looking good for 108.

While the rest of us spent our 3-day weekend in a self-induced Miller High Life hot dog coma, Joan Rivers was at the “Grandma, don’t say that” Reference Library finding new ways to be an offensive hag. When a reporter asked her on Friday if she thought America was ready for a gay or female president, she responded with a “joke” suggesting that President Obama was gay and that Michelle Obama was a “tranny”. It was basically just like hearing your Uncle Randy tell a joke at Thanksgiving that starts with a Rabbi and ends with everyone nervously shifting in their seat; nobody was into it. I guess someone (Joan’s publisher) told her she better open up her plastic mouth slit and release an apology, but instead she shat out a classic “sorry not sorry” statement to CNN:

“I think it’s a compliment. She’s so attractive, tall, with a beautiful body, great face, does great makeup. Take a look and go back to La Cage Au Follies (sic). The most gorgeous women are transgender. Stop it already … and if you want to talk about ‘politically correct,’ I think this is a ‘politically incorrect’ attack on me because I’m old, Jewish, a woman and a ‘hetty’ — a heteosexual … and I plan to sue the reporter who, when he turned off his camera, tried to touch me inappropriately on the ass – luckily he hit my ankle. Read the book … if you think that’s silly, wait to (sic) you see what I say about FDR and Eleanor!”

She kept the No Apologies Tour going by telling The Wrap that she also isn’t sorry for stunting like a senior citizen stunt queen by walking out of a CNN interview on Saturday:

“The CNN interviewer was a news reporter and not an entertainment reporter…She did not seem to understand we were talking about a comedy book and not the transcripts from the Nuremburg Trial. Every question was an accusatory one designed to put me on the defensive.”

I know Joan has a book to hustle (Diarrhea of a Mad Diva or something) but I don’t think this any of this is a PR stunt; I think this is Joan’s way of trying to nab a spot at an assisted living facility for seniors with dementia. She’s obviously losing it, but she’s just too proud to tell us it’s time she move into a home with a keypad on every door and an episode of Matlock on every television, so she’s acting like a damn mess until someone says ENOUGH and sticks her senile ass in Shady Acres.

And the #1 sign that Joan has officially lost her damn mind is when she called herself a “hetty”. Bitch, there is one and only one “hetty”, and it’s Hetty King!

ICYMI: Joan Rivers Pulls An “I Quit This Bitch” During A CNN Interview When She’s Asked About Wearing Fur

Joan Rivers has been in the game since before the beginning of time and she probably taught Jesus how to work a stunt for maximum publicity (yeah, that whole “cross” thing was Joan’s idea). So yesterday, while whoring out her new book Diary of a Mad Diva during an interview with CNN’s Fredricka Whitfield (no relation to Sheree, I think), Joan pulled a stunt to sell her book. Joan’s latest face nearly melted off of her skull and slipped down her body onto the floor when Fredricka asked her question she claims she didn’t like. Fredricka set her facial expression generator to “condescending as fuck” when she poked at Joan for being mean to rich, famous whores and questioned her about wearing fur on the cover of her book. Joan played with Fredricka for a little while and answered the questions until the fur question came up. Joan spit out an ultra dramatic, Helen Lawson-like “I’VE BEEN IN THIS BUSINESS FOR 50 YEARS!” speech before pulling off her earpiece and dramatically exiting stage left.

“You know this whole interview is becoming a defense interview. Are you wearing leather shoes? Shut up. You know what I mean? I don’t want to hear it. ‘You’re wearing fur.’ You’re eating chicken. You’re eating meat. I don’t want to hear this nonsense. Come to me with a paper belt and I’ll talk to you. You know, I’m going. I really am going, because all you’ve done is negative. All you have done is negative. I made people laugh for 50 years! I am put on earth to make people laugh. My book is funny. I wear fur that was killed 15 years ago. I work for animal rights. STOP IT WITH ‘And you do this and your’re mean.’ You are not the one to interview someone who does humor. Sorry!”

Yes, Fredericka kept throwing the kind of patronizing “Sure Jan” smiles that my only friend in the 7th grade threw at me when I introduced her to my “girlfriend,” but that was a tame ass interview overall. Joan’s skin is literally made of Kevlar and that’s one of the strongest kinds of plastic, so I doubt those easy questions really got to her. A STUNT QUEEN stunt is a STUNT QUEEN stunt.

via THR