Presented With Just Two Comments: A Giant Snake That Can Open Doors

1. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

2. Let’s just get it out of the way and declare The Hammaconda our new overlord already. It can get up, open doors and go to the bathroom by itself, so it’s only a matter of time before we’re all its slaves. I can’t wait.

via Buzzfeed

Pimp Mama Kris’ Newest Kash Kow Is Here!

I was out doing shit when I read that Kim Kartrashian checked into Cedars-Sinai to give birth to the Illuminati’s newest golden child and I should’ve stopped everything to live-blog this historik okkasion! TMZ says that Kim started having contractions last night and that really makes sense. Because last night when I looked up at the sky, the clouds turned black and it looked like the beginning of the end of the world. And it is!

Kim checked into a private birthing suite this morning and “naturally” gave birth (Note: In Kartrashian talk, “natural birth” probably means C-section in front of the cameras followed by an off-camera tummy tuck and full body lip job) to a girl a few hours later. Kredit Kard Kartrashian West came into the world 5 weeks early, because production on Keeping Up With The Kardashians ends next week and the producers really need a season finale kliffhanger.

Even though there were rumors that Kanye wasn’t going to be in the delivery room with Kim because blood and vaginas are grossto him, TMZ’s source (Side note: “TMZ’s Source” is Pimp Mama Kris’ official government name) said that he was next to her when baby Kweenyetta Kartrashian West easily fell out of her puss. Before Khloe even had a chance to gnaw off the umbilical cord, Pimp Mama Kris had already shoved a pen in the Kimye baby’s tiny hand and made her sign five endorsement deal contracts. I’m sure we’ll all be able to see the blessed event on the season finale of KUWTK. We’ve seen things go into Kim’s koochie and now we can see something come out of Kim’s koochie.

And a little fun fact via Twitter: today is 6/15/2013. 1+5 = 6 and 2+0+1+3 = 6. 666! It was meant to be!

“These Are The Only Reasons Why Anybody’s Going To Pay To See This Shit Show Of A Movie!”

On IMDB, the plot for Nick Cassavetes‘ The Other Woman reads like this:

After realizing she is not her boyfriend’s primary lover, a woman teams up with his wife and plots mutual revenge.

If the producers really want to make history by selling out the entire run of their movie before it even hits theaters, they should update the plot to read:

KATE UPTON’S TITS BOUNCE IN THIS!

The Other Woman stars Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Kate Upton, Taylor Kinney and Nicki Minaj, and Cameron probably thinks that she’s finally going to get top billing again since she’s the biggest star in that cast, but sorry, trick. Kate Upton’s chichis are totally getting top, bottom and middle billing.

Because Nick Cassavetes knows what’s really going to sell his movie, he shot a trampoline scene with Kate, Cameron and Leslie in the Hamptons yesterday. I love how Leslie and Cameron are acting like their parts are really going to end up in the final cut. They should just stand there and file their nails while not giving a hell, because the cutting room floor is where there parts are going to end up. My guess is that Kate Upton plays a character who works as a trampoline trainer/car washer/t-shirt tester/rainstorm marathon runner. So one percent of the movie will be Cameron and the cast talking about how glorious Kate’s tits are and the rest of the movie will be Kate jumping on a trampoline, washing a car in a bikini, testing wet t-shirts and running marathons in the rain. And to avoid that whole chafed nipple thing, Kate will run topless.

Kate’s chichis aren’t as nearly as magnificent as Christina Hendrick’s, but they’re still spectacular. They’re so spectacular that every hour on the hour, a head will pop out from Kate’s side to look at her chichis and say, “Damn, those are spectacular!”

She’s got her own chichi cuckoo clock. And yeah, they might as well rename the movie Kate Upton’s Chichis (and the other woman aka Cameron Diaz).

Amanda Bynes’ Face In Motion….

If you watched this last night, then you’re probably not reading these words right now, because you’re still rocking back and forth on your bed pretending like this never happened. Last night, Amanda Bynes tweeted this video of her getting ready with the caption:

I’m Sucking On A Sour Patch Kid Listening To Music Getting Ready For Tonight 😀

What in the John Waters meets Julie Masking meets a tweaked out Lil Kim meets a melting Nicki Minaj meets a strung out Courtney Stodden HELL?!

I know Renee Zellweger was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar in Chicago for doing exactly what Amanda is doing in that video above, but damn. If Amanda is Joaquin-ing us, she needs to stop. If Amanda isn’t Joaquin-ing us, Jesus needs to take the wheel and drive her to the nearest Sally’s Beauty Supply to sort out those unsynchronized brows. They look like two sad, broken see saws.

And that must’ve been a seriously intense Sour Patch Kid.

via E! 

Well, At Least Ho Let Her Bump Breathe

Looking like the Ghost of Fame Whores Present, Kim Kartrashian walked into a frozen yogurt place in Sherman Oaks, CA yesterday and that tension you feel is from her bra using its last strength to hold up her two ton titty balls. Maybe it’s because I’m so used to seeing Kim looking like a pork sausage busting out of its leather casing, but titty trauma and face aside, this isn’t completely hurting my eyeballs. I mean, the good news is that she isn’t suffocating her bump with ten layers of Spanx and a leather skirt that’s tighter than Kanye’s b-hole after he got anal rejuvenation surgery the first time. If Kim continues to let her bump breathe, then maybe her publicity stunt baby won’t be born all elongated and with its eyes smushed shut, which I guess is a bad thing since then it’ll be able to clearly see who its parents are.

And replacing Botox with an all-natural replacement (aka Kanye’s ass syrup) is making Kim’s face morph back into its original state. She looks like a Saw puppet version of OctoMom.

In other Kartrashian news, TMZ says that Kim won’t be in court on the first day of her divorce war against Kris Humphries, because she has to whore out her new bottle of stank water in NYC. Kim’s lawyer tried to get the date moved from May 6th to May 3rd, but the judge denied her. Kim doesn’t have to be in court on the first day anyway. Kim is expected to testify on the second or third day of the trial, so that gives Pimp Mama Kris plenty of time to program a pre-written script of lies into her hard drive.

Jennifer Love Hewitt Says Her Tits Are Worth $5 Million

The rhinestones of desperation sparkling above Jennifer Love Hewitt’s chocha aren’t the most precious things on her body. JLove tells USA Today (via HuffPo) that a pair of Brink’s security guards should be guarding her chichis at all times, because they’re that spectacular, that special and they’re worth more than Heidi Klum’s legs and Holly Madison’s Tupperware titty bowls combined.

JLove’s favorite part of her body are her 36C tits and she says it’s the only part she’d have insured, because they’ve made her a millionaire.

“I need, like, an insurance invitation. If somebody was like, ‘Hey, you know what? We would like to insure your boobs for $2.5 million dollars,’ I’d be like, ‘Do it. Love it! Why not? These things right here are worth $5 million!”

JLove must’ve bedazzled her nipples (nippleizzing?) with canary diamonds, because that’s the only way her tits would be worth $5 million. I mean, Dolly Parton insured her historical site titties for only $600,000 and her chichis are at the top of the list of national treasures right above Mount Rushmore, John Travolta’s wig and Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda.

And before JLove makes all the geckos roll their eyes by calling up Geico to get an estimate for her titties, she needs to fire who ever’s in charge of gluing tiny broom brushes onto her eyelids. The wonky lash look does not become her. JLove should leave that look to Amanda Bynes.