Jennifer Love Hewitt Says Her Tits Are Worth $5 Million

The rhinestones of desperation sparkling above Jennifer Love Hewitt’s chocha aren’t the most precious things on her body. JLove tells USA Today (via HuffPo) that a pair of Brink’s security guards should be guarding her chichis at all times, because they’re that spectacular, that special and they’re worth more than Heidi Klum’s legs and Holly Madison’s Tupperware titty bowls combined.

JLove’s favorite part of her body are her 36C tits and she says it’s the only part she’d have insured, because they’ve made her a millionaire.

“I need, like, an insurance invitation. If somebody was like, ‘Hey, you know what? We would like to insure your boobs for $2.5 million dollars,’ I’d be like, ‘Do it. Love it! Why not? These things right here are worth $5 million!”

JLove must’ve bedazzled her nipples (nippleizzing?) with canary diamonds, because that’s the only way her tits would be worth $5 million. I mean, Dolly Parton insured her historical site titties for only $600,000 and her chichis are at the top of the list of national treasures right above Mount Rushmore, John Travolta’s wig and Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda.

And before JLove makes all the geckos roll their eyes by calling up Geico to get an estimate for her titties, she needs to fire who ever’s in charge of gluing tiny broom brushes onto her eyelids. The wonky lash look does not become her. JLove should leave that look to Amanda Bynes.