Pimp Mama Kris’ Newest Kash Kow Is Here!

I was out doing shit when I read that Kim Kartrashian checked into Cedars-Sinai to give birth to the Illuminati’s newest golden child and I should’ve stopped everything to live-blog this historik okkasion! TMZ says that Kim started having contractions last night and that really makes sense. Because last night when I looked up at the sky, the clouds turned black and it looked like the beginning of the end of the world. And it is!

Kim checked into a private birthing suite this morning and “naturally” gave birth (Note: In Kartrashian talk, “natural birth” probably means C-section in front of the cameras followed by an off-camera tummy tuck and full body lip job) to a girl a few hours later. Kredit Kard Kartrashian West came into the world 5 weeks early, because production on Keeping Up With The Kardashians ends next week and the producers really need a season finale kliffhanger.

Even though there were rumors that Kanye wasn’t going to be in the delivery room with Kim because blood and vaginas are grossto him, TMZ’s source (Side note: “TMZ’s Source” is Pimp Mama Kris’ official government name) said that he was next to her when baby Kweenyetta Kartrashian West easily fell out of her puss. Before Khloe even had a chance to gnaw off the umbilical cord, Pimp Mama Kris had already shoved a pen in the Kimye baby’s tiny hand and made her sign five endorsement deal contracts. I’m sure we’ll all be able to see the blessed event on the season finale of KUWTK. We’ve seen things go into Kim’s koochie and now we can see something come out of Kim’s koochie.

And a little fun fact via Twitter: today is 6/15/2013. 1+5 = 6 and 2+0+1+3 = 6. 666! It was meant to be!