Gwyneth Paltrow Is Saving Her Pink Oscar Dress For Apple Martin’s Prom

Huh. I would have figured that Gwyneth Paltrow would have had one of her minions turn the Pepto pink taffeta Ralph Lauren gown she wore to the 1999 Academy Awards into a collection of bidet polishing rags (it is a sixteen-seasons old Ralph Lauren, after all). But apparently she’s been hanging on to it in hopes that one day her daughter, Apple Martin, might slip it on and stare at herself in the mirror, thinking “Oh my god, I look like I’m wearing a duvet cover from Barbie’s Dream House.”

Gwyneth told PeopleStyle that she’s been saving all her fancy couture gowns for years for Apple, even before Apple was Apple. Goopy says that she started putting shit away twelve years before Apple was born in 2004, and she’s been hoarding ever since. Goopy saved every Oscar dress (Hey goth saggy titty dress!), but it’s that famous pink one that she thinks will be the first to be pulled out of mothballs and given the Febreze treatment. Ha, listen to me – acting like Goopy would ever be so gauche as to spritz her garments with anything less than organic spring water from a $270 leather-bound Hermes atomizer.

“Maybe she’ll wear it to prom and do a Pretty in Pink thing and resew it and cut it up. I don’t know if I’d let her chop that one up.”

Instead, Gwyneth will personally call up her good friend Ralph Lauren and tell him to throw together a My First Pretty in Pink Prom Dress Experience kit, including a replica of her pink Oscar gown, a 24k gold sewing machine, and 3 bobbins of thread pulled from the ass of the world’s rarest and most expensive silkworm. And if Ralph really wanted to go the extra mile, he would also include a little set of instructions featuring a picture of Andie’s prom dress and a note that says “Whatever you do, don’t make it look like this“, because let’s be honest, that dress was TRAGIC.

Pic: Wenn.com

Zoe Saldana’s Husband Took Her Last Name When They Got Married

For a very long time, whenever I saw a picture of Zoe Saldana and her hot hipster husband, I would just refer to him as “Zoe Saldana’s Hot Hipster Husband” or “Fabio of Williamsburg.” Eventually I learned that Zoe Saldana’s husband had a name, and it was Marco Perego. Now it looks like I’m going to have to take a dry cloth and wipe away the name “Perego” from the white board in my brain, because that’s not his name anymore. Zoe Saldana recently admitted during an interview with InStyle (via UsWeekly) that her husband decided to go by “Mr. Marco Saldana” ever since they made it legal two years ago.

“I tried to talk him out of it. I told him, ‘If you use my name, you’re going to be emasculated by your community of artists, by your Latin community of men, by the world.’ Marco looks up at me and says, ‘Ah, Zoe, I don’t give a shit.'”

I’m with Marco on this one. If you have the opportunity to take your name from fairly sexy to mucho sexo (Marco Saldana is a very sexy name), you should take it. And if anyone gives him stank eye because he took his wife’s last name, he can just be like “My name is Marco Saldana, your opinion is invalid.”

At least we know Marco did it for the right reasons. If Marco’s motivation for changing his name was to take advantage of his famous wife’s last name and get special treatment, he would have legally changed it to Marco Kit-from-Crossroads. Nothing says “Right this way, sir!” like letting people know you’re married to the third-billed star of one of the greatest movies ever made.

This Is What Jason Momoa As Aquaman Looks Like

That sound you just heard was a thousand concerned mothers yelling down into the basement “Is everything alright honey?” at the exact same time in response to the loud nerdy groan they heard from their adult sons after seeing the first picture of Jason Momoa as Aquaman. And that groan could mean many things; that they’re pissed that Aquaman doesn’t look like this anymore, that Aquaman looks super kewl, or that they just came from staring into Jason Momoa’s “I will sex you” eyes. Personally, my nerd groan was for reasons #1 and #3; even though Aquaman doesn’t look a damn thing like Aquaman anymore, Jason Momoa is still fine as hell and can get it to the bottom of the sea and back.

Zack Snyder released the first picture of Jason Momoa as Aquaman from the upcoming film Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice last night on Twitter, and just like Wonder Woman before him, Aquaman appears to be some kind of post-apocalyptic HGH steampunk hobo armadillo made out of robot parts dug up by WALL·E. If Zack Snyder was going for King Triton’s puddle-dwelling meth-making half-brother, then I guess he nailed it?

I don’t know that much about Aquaman besides the fact that he’s the part-merman or something and can talk to the fishes, but Jason Momoa’s Aquaman looks like the type of dude who sits beside you on the bus, smelling like chum and talking to the invisible fishes in his head. And yet, still sexier than Ben Affleck as Batman.

Pic: Twitter

Sam Smith Says He’ll Give His Grammy To Beyonce If He Wins Album Of The Year

Sam Smith, seen above looking like George Michael fucked Harley Davidson Barbie, is currently nominated for six Grammy awards, one of which is Album of the Year. Sam Smith is up against four other nominees, but as we all know, the only one who counts is her majesty  Beyonce. And during an interview with Rolling Stone, he confessed that if the Illuminati were to accidentally write SAM SMITH on the envelope containing the name of the winner of Album of the Year instead of BEYONCE, he would give his Grammy to Beyonce. Yes, Sam Smith is a hard-core member of the Beyhive.

“She deserves it way more than I do. I’d be embarrassed if I got it over her. If I got it, I’d give it to her.”

Meanwhile, in a giant gilded pyramid perched high atop a mountain of money, her majesty Beyonce just whispered to Blue Ivy “Awww, that’s cute – he thinks we live in a world where Beyonce would ever take someone’s sloppy seconds.” Besides, Sam Smith should know that Beyonce would never lose an award to someone not named Beyonce.

And Beyonce’s wasn’t the only ass Sam Smith kissed in Rolling Stone. Sam Smith also saved a couple smooches for Lady Gaga, Britney Spears, Adele, and Justin Bieber:

Continue reading

Tony Bennett NO! STOP!

Somebody call Wilford Brimley and tell him we’ve got a code red senior citizen situation on our hands! The toxic rug glue from Tony Bennett’s perfect salt-and-pepper pepaw hairpiece has seeped into his brain and dissolved the part that’s able to distinguish talent from hot messy bullshit. Either that, or Lady Gaga has some career-killing dirt on Tony Bennett and she’s blackmailing him with it. “Let me record a crappy album with you, or else the whole world will know that _____”. I can’t even think of what it might be, since the more embarrassing thing I can think of is working with Lady Gaga. Maybe getting diarrhea at Girl Scout camp (lemme hear you scream if you also couldn’t handle BBQ chips as a kid!)

Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga were on the Today show this morning to promote the soon-to-be-released album of jazz duets they recorded together called Cheek to Cheek (you know that tacky bitch probably wanted to call it Ass to Ass). They also teased the video for the first single off the album, a version of Cole Porter’s “Anything Goes”. The video isn’t done yet (they’re still Photoshopping her jawline) but they’ve released the song online:

Obviously Tony Bennett sounds flawless. THE END. But then there’s Gaga. She sounds like a hyperactive musical theatre-obsessed kid named Kevin auditioning for his middle-school production of Peter Pan. It’s basically Glee’s Rachel Berry crossed with MadTV’s Stuart. K.D. Lang heard it and was like “Damn Tony, did you lose my number?”

Here’s more of Tony Bennett looking like a Boca Raton mob boss and Lady Gaga looking like an extracted blackhead at the Today show this morning, as well as Gaga looking like a slutty genie the night before posing on the hood of someone’s car. Get off the car, trick! You ain’t no Kelly Bundy!

Pics: Splash

Halle Berry’s 6-Year-Old Daughter Nahla Is Already Better At Relationships Than Her

Halle Berry appeared on The Late Show with David Letterman last night to promote that show I keep seeing promos for where she’s a flowy fancy mom beige cardigan-wearing astronaut who gets knocked-up by a space ghost (don’t get excited, not that Space Ghost) and she brought with her a list of marriage advice her daughter Nahla made. One of Halle’s co-stars was getting married, so she thought it would be cute if she gave them a Top Ten list of relationship rules made by her 6-year-old. Excuse you, Halle, but a homemade wedding gift?!? I would expect the star of B*A*P*S to at least go halfsies on a $50 Macy’s gift card.

I was fully expecting to hear a cutesy-poo list about “lots of snuggles” and “saving up to buy a single-family ice cream castle in Candyland” but it actually read more like notes from Iyanla Vazant’s “In The Meantime“. Nahla’s Top Ten list includes deep thoughts like: “Always go the same way” and “Keep your cars together”. I think “Keep your cars together” might be the new “Close your legs to married men” (sorry NeNe). Nahla is only 6, and she already knows more about relationships than I did at 21 (“You want to spend Valentine’s Day with your other girlfriend? Uh, sure, that’s not a problem…I guess MySpace me when you’re done?”).

And golf claps to Nahla’s nanny/therapist/whoever for being such a strong influence in her life, because there’s no way Halle helped her write that list. Halle’s Top Ten list would start with “1. Don’t let a thirsty unemployed blonde model knock your ass up and slowly suck away at all your X-Men money” and end with throwing the crumpled-up list at Gabriel Aubry’s face while threatening to move to France.