In “Random As Hell” Casting News….

Two years ago, I accused the Farrelly Brothers of making all their casting decisions while high on peyote and skipping through a Tijuana video store that only rents out Sean Penn, Benicio Del Toro and Jim Carrey movies when they cast those three in The Three Stooges movie. That decision forced the Farrelly Brothers’ loved ones to lure them into a mid-budget hotel room and tearfully tell them they need to seek help for their addiction to WTF casting moves. Since then, Sean Penn has filled his days with nyuck nyuck nyuck-ing into ScarJo’s titties, Jim Carrey has relocated to the acid-trip wonderland that is his website and Benicio is busy being sexy. So none of them are available anymore. But fear not, the Farrelly Brothers have kept the phrase “random fuckery”alive by casting Sean Hayes as Larry and Will Sasso of MADtv as Curly.

The Hollywood Reporter says that the Farrelly Brothers have re-worked the script and now the movie will consist of several half-hour vignettes. Sean hasn’t been in a movie since 2007’s The Bucket List and Will might’ve worked at the movies once….

The Farrelly Brothers are still wading through the peyote haze to find the perfect Moe. Might I suggest Rihanna for Moe? She’s already proven that she can carry an upside hair bowl on her head.

The only time I ever thought I’d see the names Sean Hayes and Will Sasso mentioned in a “Three Stooges” project is if the two were starring in a musical version presented by the Kansas City Civic Light Opera in 1999. Correction: I didn’t think I’d EVER see the names Sean Hayes and Will Sasso mentioned in a Three Stooges project. But since we’re here, I don’t really mind this actually. No, I’m not on peyote.

I’d empty my weed money jar to watch Sean Penn get slapped around, but the world needs a second coming of Just Jack (hopefully Karen and Rosario have a cameo in this mess)!!

The New And Improved(?) Wonder Woman Costume

The Internet broke into a collective meltdown over a week ago when NBC debuted Adrianne Palicki’s Wonder Woman costume that looked like something a cosplay pornstar put together on a budget using shit found in a Halloween clearance bin at Ricky’s, an American Apparel outlet and a Frederick’s sidewalk sale. NBC must’ve been taking notes, because they de-skanked and reworked the costume. Gone is the yeast-producing blue condom leggings and the blue high-heeled boots. Wonder Woman’s crotch still looks like it’s doing a Droopy Dog impersonation and she’ll never bring the kind of glamour Lynda Carter brought, but it’s an improvement from the last “drag queen on a dime” mess.

And Right Said Fred is in the pilot episode, so if NBC insists on butchering Wonder Woman they can at least look sexy while doing so. And a giant NO COMMENT TODAY OR TOMORROW about those Uggs on Wonder Woman’s feet. Lynda Carter would NEVER!

What Would Justin Bieber Say?!

In December of 2009, Usher made the phrase “dumb fuck” proud when he supposedly left $1 million worth of jooree and two laptops in the trunk of his car. When you leave over $1 million of valuables in a car that is not the OnStar lady’s wet dream KITT, the universe will reward your dumbfuckness by sending a ho to snatch your car. That’s exactly what happened to Usher and now TMZ is saying that he might’ve taken his dumbness to the next level by leaving a sex tape on one of those stolen laptops. Because now somebody is peddling an Usher fuck tape and trying to sell it to the highest bidder. And no, Usher’s sex tape will not make its debut at the NAMBLA Film Festival, because it doesn’t co-star a certain Canadian superstar toddler.

TMZ says they have seen two stills and a clip of the tape and can confirm Usher slurps on the wet parts of his ex-wife Tameka Foster. TMZ also adds that “the people in the video are both givers.”

My fuck parts are in a state of confusion over this. On one hand, it’s a good day whenever dick gets its time under the spotlight. On the other hand, the dick is attached to Justin Bieber’s adoptive daddy and it’s also getting some tongue action from the big-boned skeleton that is Tameka Foster. The thought of those two scissoring is already a traumatic experience, but now those thoughts might be brought to life on our monitors? Well, it’s good news for those of you who are fans of Skeletor and Orko porn fiction.

Don’t get me wrong, my love for seeing peen in action knows no bounds, so I would definitely hit “play” on that mess. But I just know that doing so will suddenly make me an expert at cringe fapping.

Susan Sarandon + Judah Friedlander = HUH?

Did Mercury jump out of retrograde and dive into a pool of fuckery, because stranger than strange things are going down. Lump this item from Page Six into that category. Susan Sarandon isn’t throwing a come hither pose at Judah Friedlander for the cameras. Page Six is saying that Susan’s really body wants to hump that trucker hat right off of Judah’s head. And apparently, she did.

Susan’s supposed intimate relationship with that ping pong dude must be non-existent, open or casual, because a source tells Page Six that Susan got on Judah after shooting a guest spot (as his maybe love piece) on 30 Rock last month. An “on-set source” says they definitely “hooked up.” But Judah kept coy and wouldn’t confirm or deny that he ta-ta-ta-ta-touched Susan like that.

“You know, one of my New Year’s resolutions is to only go out with Oscar winners. I just can’t say either way what’s going on with me and Susan.”

Post-Tim Robbins Susan really does have a thing for nerdboy-looking dudes who “may or may not” have seen a real-life vagina that doesn’t belong to one of their relatives. But you know, I’m all for it. If there’s any cougar out there who could whip a peen into shape and show a fanboy the art of l’amour, it’s MS. SARANDON!

Nick Gruber Is Still Living The Life

Wearing a thick layer of stearic acid to protect his skin from melting into a puddle on the sand, Calvin Klein dragged his body through the beach in Miami yesterday with his former porn star piece Nick Gruber at his side. They look like the centerfolds of a Dorian Gray swimsuit calendar. Like the after & before victim of the thinner curse.

Even though Calvin’s body has probably been sucked, pinched, prodded and stuffed by the hands of a dozen plastic surgeons and morticians, the old ho is still looking good from the neck down for being 68 years old.

As for Nick, I’m surprised that Calvin has kept him around this long. Nick is 21 and that’s usually when a sugar daddy starts to smell the old in their sugar baby’s veins and trades him in for a younger piece. But Nick must be doing something right and I can’t hate him for that. Shit, if the Creature of the Black Lagoon’s grandpa gave me a debit card and the key to his penthouse, I’d snort a line of Dramamine, gargle with holy water and get on that.

Jesus Becks Pays Tribute To His Beauty….And His Sons

The precious fresco painted on the ceiling above Becks’ solid gold tub that he coos at whenever exfoliating his nipples with fresh salt (Note: Posh makes it herself by chipping at a salt lick in the garden with her clavicle bone) has now been immortalized on his flesh! Proving STILL that there ain’t no chav like him, Becks debuted his 19th tattoo masterpiece on his Facebook page. The tattoo took 2 sittings and 12 hours to do. To put things into perspective, that’s about how long it takes Posh to push out a pee whenever she licks an ice cube too many times.

The tattoo portrays David as the SON OF GOD and his three sons, Brooklyn, Romeo, and Cruz as baby cherubs pulling at his hair and massaging his shoulders, or some shit. This is pretty much how they spend every Sunday afternoon, I’m sure. This is what Becks had to say about this mess:

“Obviously the cherubs are boys so my thought behind it is that at some point my boys are going to need to look after me and that’s what they’re doing in the picture. Everything has a meaning.. It’s just sometimes I wake up and I think, you know, I’ve got an idea of an image I would like on me. Some people love tattoos, some people don’t. It’s just something that I have always found can kind of express how I’m feeling, or the thoughts that I have or memories. Most of my tattoos are memories and things that mean things to me. There’s not one tattoo that I’ve got on me that doesn’t mean something.”

Here’s hoping that once the next child of Posh & Becks is born, he will add he or she to the family portrait on his pec. I’m thinking that he can tattoo the fourth baby cherub sucking on his nipple or playing kick ball with it. As for Posh, there’s only room for one massive ego on his titty.