It’s The Feel Bad Movie Of Christmas!

Since reading subtitles is stressful and it’s hard to focus on words when you’re trying to find the half-popped popcorn kernel at the bottom of a bag in a dark theater, us Americans have done our own version of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. And here’s the first trailer for it.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo needs an American version as much as John Travolta needs a plate of vaginas, but this doesn’t look that awful. I was all ready to write a 1,000-word hate essay about how I’d rather fuck myself with Swedish meatballs from Ikea than watch this mess, but David Fincher, Daniel Craig, Rooney Mara and Trent Reznor and Karen O’s cover of “Immigrant Song” has changed my mind. The tagline has even inspired. This is definitely the perfect holiday movie to take my little cousins to see right after I tell them that the SEAL Team 6 killed Santa Claus.

And Here Are The New Three Stooges

On Location Vacations posted the first pictures of Sean Hayes (as Larry), Chris Diamantopoulos (as Moe) and Will Sasso (with his back turned as Curly) on the Atlanta set of the Farrelly Brothers’ Three Stooges movie. Sofia Vergara’s there too. For me, The Three Stooges is like that dude at the bar you give a handjob to under a table but all you can really think about is how you want a Shirley Temple with a vodka shot. I’m sort of into The Three Stooges when I watch it, but then my mind quickly wanders to another place (a place that serves booze, usually). So I don’t feel any raw emotions about this shit above.

However, if this was Sean Hayes (as Chester), Will Sasso (as Buck), Chris Diamantopoulos (as Pierce) and Sofia Vergara (as Bianca) in a Beverly Hills Teens movie, then I’d be using all my exclamation points and CAPS to denounce that shit! So if the Three Stooges is to you what Beverly Hills Teen is to me then you can use my exclamation points and CAPS to throw hate at this mess.

And Lindsay Lohan should really take a long hard look at these pictures, because if she doesn’t stop yanking at her roots and dipping her hair in peroxide, the top of her head is going to look just like Sean Hayes’.

It’s The Muppets Trailer!

If you went to see Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Care Bears (Why isn’t that a real movie?) this weekend then you it’s more than likely that you watched the sneaky teaser trailer for the new Muppets movie. The trailer starts off as looking like another horribly shitty romantic comedy called Green With Envy that should star Kate Hudson and Ashton Kutcher instead (headline from the future: Kate Hudson and Ashton Kutcher sign on to Green with Envy) but then it gets hijacked by Muppets.

It’s a little too soon to know how I truly feel about this, but my first comment is: Why does Miss Piggy have bangs again?! I prefer my Miss Piggy bang-less. Oh, well. Bitch probably got sick of Xtina stealing her look so she decided to do something different. Xtina will undoubtedly have bangs again next week.

via Coming Soon

Would You Hit It?

Here’s Shia LaBeouf rollin’ with the homes (or maybe he’s making like a blind zombie) while airing his nips out with his girlfriend Karolyn Pho in L.A. You know, Shia has never stirred me like that. But there’s something about a greasy stick of hipster who looks like he should be playing a washboard on a raised porch during a flood party that does things to me. Imagine the jingle jangle sound of his keys scraping against the floor boards when he pulls his high waters down to his ankles and hits you from the back while biting into a fried chicken drumstick. That is the true sound of romance. And the true look of romance is fried chicken crumbs on your ass cheeks.

Yes. Yes, I would!

NBC Turned Down Wonder Woman

After NBC singed millions of childhoods when they debuted the new Wonder Woman costume that looked like something you'd pull out of a red dot discount bin the day after Halloween at a pop-up mini-mall costume store that changes back into an abandoned space in November, they have decided to not put that shit on TV screens. After all the energy we spent dropping bitch-laced bombs at this mess, NBC is denying us the right to make fun of the costume every single week! It's like we stretched out our cunt muscles for nothing. I could've spent that time perfecting the Fleshlight attachment for my blow dryer.

Entertainment Weekly said that test audiences weren't really into David E. Kelley's idea of Wonder Woman as a powerful CEO who crime fights at night and has real lady problems. Just picture Wonder Woman crying into a bowl of raw cookie dough as Vonda Shepard sings a torch song. NBC also had their doubts about the costume. When the Internet ripped it into a million pieces, the costume department tried to fix it, but it wasn't enough.

My feelings about this news are separating like the titty sacks on Adrianne Palick's chest. Part of me is sad about this, because the Wonder Woman reboot had all the makings of a gorgeous disaster that would fill the "so shitty, it's pretty" void left by Spy Girls. But the other part of me is happy about this, because it would've hurt my soul every week to see Wonder Woman resemble a third-tier Craigslist stripper who threw together a busted WW costume to wear to a nerdboy's birthday party in his parent's unattached garage.

Happy Bonus Mom Day From LeAnn Rimes!

Today is the day that you make your annual cyber journey to FTD to rush your mom a bouquet of tri-colored carnations that will be delivered in the glass vase she will never ever throw away even if it’s as brittle as the cracked glue that holds LeAnn Rimes Cibrian’s shame together. It’s also the day that chronic Twitterrhea sufferer LeAnn wishes you all a HAPPY BONUS MOTHER’S DAY!

“Happy Mother’s day weekend to all the Mom’s out there. The “Bonus Moms’, Godmother’s, Grandmothers and anyone who is a woman who helps love and raise children.”

You know, I did not know what a bonus mother was until I had to Google it for a clue. It goes way back and was invented by a stepmother who didn’t like the negative label of “stepmother.” Some think of a stepmother as a wicked cunt of a woman who will throw you a bitch eye while she kisses your daddy. I get it. But no. If my stepmother asked me to call her “Bonus Mom,” I’d give her a bonus in the form a dry heave.

“Bonus Mom” sounds like the title of a really bad 1980s comedy starring Dabney Coleman as an asshole boss who promises his longtime assistant (played by Andrew McCarthy) a bonus and promotion to drive his overbearing, planephobic monster-in-law (played by Maureen Stapleton) cross country to a family reunion. Of course, they will unwittingly getting into the wrong rental car at a rest stop and quickly find a suitcase full of money and drugs in the trunk. The rental car’s rightful owners, a pair of crooks (played by Cathy Moriarty and David Keith), chase them all over the country and mayhem ensues. In the end, Andrew McCarthy doesn’t get that bonus, but he gets something even better: the love of a strong woman (Maureen Stapleton). TWIST!

Actually, since I put it that way….

via UsWeekly