Ryan Phillippe & RiRi Are Doing It After All

Will UsWeekly make up their damn minds?! One minute, they’re out screaming that RiRi yodeled out “Oh no no” when Ryan Phillippe offered to take her on a magic peen ride. But now they’re saying that Ryan did in fact earn a small fry from McDonald’s by getting his super sized freak on with Ronald’s sister from another mister RiRi. AND a few days ago Star Magazine flapped their shit about how Ryan and Amanda Seyfried are still going at it. We get it! Ryan’s A WHORE!

One source told UsWeekly that Ryan tried to get into RiRi’s Barbadian triangle over a week ago, but she wasn’t having it. However, a different source says that RiRi did take Ryan’s invitation and it wasn’t the first time. The source, who has obviously smelled Ryan’s saliva on RiRi’s crotch, said this: “She thinks he’s hot. They totally had sex. And it wasn’t even the first time! They initially hooked up when things were strained with [Rihanna’s ex] Matt Kemp back in early December.”

Seriously, I haven’t thought about Ryan Phillippe’s sex life this much since a few minutes ago when I Googled “Ryan Phillippe Naked.” But the time before that was when one of my friends said that Ryan must give good lady head since he mumbles like his jaw is operated by a lazy hamster. Apparently, mumblers know how to nibble. I don’t know. But it would explain why RiRi’s been twerking her crotch like her clit’s got the vapors.

The Couple That “Random” Farted Out This Week

If these were pictures of Matthew Morrison from Glee NOM NOM NOM-ing on Jon Stewart or Olivia Munn from The Daily Show trying to eat the shoulder of Sue Sylvester, not a side-eye would stir. But these pictures of Matthew Morrison and Olivia Munn at the Rangers vs. Flyers game at Madison Square Garden yesterday are making me high with WTFness.

You know, I’m going to believe that this newborn and totally natural relationship bloomed in the most organic way. I’m not going to believe that it was born after their publicists drunkenly schemed in the bathroom of some industry event at 1 in the morning. I’m also not going to believe that Olivia and Matthew met in some publicist’s office before these pictures were taken to go over the steps of the how to correctly straight mug in front of a photographer’s camera at a sporting event.

No, they were not told to have a close-up staring eye contest so it looks like they’re engaging in a tongue party for two. They were not told to force affection by trying to make each other’s mouths look like gaping vaginas. Matthew was definitely not told to gnaw on Olivia’s arm like it’s Lea Michele’s vocal cords. Olivia was not told to look at the camera like, “No, I’m not doing this for extra camera clicks and a blurb in UsWeekly. Nope.” And also, Mathew didn’t get a text message from his publicist reprimanding him for sometimes looking like he’d rather be eating a sloth’s wet fart than holding Olivia’s hand. Nope, not at all.

We should all believe that this is the complete opposite of a FAKE AS SHIT RELATIONSHIP. Since Olivia can’t have Justin Timberlake, she’s settling for his Dollar Tree version. That must be it.

Although, this little girl isn’t buying it. Neither is this dude on the left.

Things That Exist: Anna Nicole The Opera

Anna Nicole, the opera based on the rise and fall of TrimSpa Baby, opened at the Royal Opera House of London last night and it’s getting mixed reviews. Some are calling it a “weirdly inspired work” while others are saying it’s “overwhelmed by incident, and made the more congested by an over-rich libretto.” But I’m calling it a work of COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! The first few lyrics Anna Nicole hollers out in the clip above are the exact same ones I’ve been yodeling out at every bar I go to for years! And I’m also calling this work incomplete if it doesn’t include arias sung by Sugar Pie, Kimmie, Bobby Trendy and Cousin Shelly.

via L.A. Times

We’ve Got A New Wonder Woman

Having never seen an episode of Friday Night Lights or Lone Star, I know nothing about Adrianne Palicki, the trick who just inherited Lynda Carter’s gold cuff and star-spangled Spandex diaper. Deadline Hollywood says that David E. Kelley (Ally McBeal, Boston Legal, Boston Public, blah blah blah), Wonder Woman’s executive producer, is so into Adrianne’s shit that she’s the only one he screen-tested. Well, Wonder Woman flies an invisible plane, and it’s pretty damn obvious that Adrianne has two giant invisible saucers in her titties so that’s probably what made David E. Kelley jump and shout, “SOLD!”

Adrianne’s casting side, the synopsis of the Wonder Woman re-doo-doo makes me want to choke myself out with a gold rope. David sees the new Wonder Woman as a modern day woman in Los Angeles who is trying to juggle being a business woman and crime-frighting super goddess. Adrianne will play Wonder Woman, her alter-ego, billionaire mogul Diana Themyscira and her assistant Diana Prince. A billionaire business woman? Did Bruce Wayne get a sex change without us knowing about it? Actually, David’s brain fart sounds hot when I put it that way.

Judging by pics alone, Lynda Carter has more glamour in the tip of her clit than Adrianne has in her whole being. But it’s really impossible to top Lynda’s glamour. Glamour like that only grew in the orchard of Vaseline lenses and pink curlers called the 1970s.

The only way David E. Kelley’s version will work is if he casts Dancing Baby as Wonder Woman’s sidekick and ends every episode with a montage featuring Vonda Shepard singing a melancholy cover song on the wing of the invisible plane.

Henry Cavill Is The New Superman

Because only hot pieces of British ass can play superheroes (see Christian Bale & Andrew Garfield), Henry Cavill, who may have made your nipples burn and your cod piece hot in The Tudors, will stuff his goods into a pair of shiny blue spandex tights to play Superman (or as my abuelita calls him, superguapo!). Zack Snyder (director of 300, Sucker Punch and Watchmen) is directing the latest redo of Superman and he had this to say about Henry:

“In the pantheon of superheroes, Superman is the most recognized and revered character of all time, and I am honored to be a part of his return to the big screen. I also join Warner Bros., Legendary and the producers in saying how excited we are about the casting of Henry. He is the perfect choice to don the cape and S shield.”

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Zack. Save some of those fancy words for when you announce you’re going to direct a live-action IMAX 3D spectacular version of She-Ra starring Shauna Sand. But YAY and all that for Henry. Hopefully, his career turns out better than the last dude who played Superman in a movie. Shit will work out for Henry as long as he doesn’t make the same mistake Brandon Routh made which is to play a fully clothed Superman. Seriously, it’s 2011 and we’re due for a nekkid ass nekkid Superman! It’s a bird! It’s a peen!

via Variety

Anne Hathaway Is Catwoman

Jocelyn Wildenstein and Sean Young are both feeling all kinds of vulnerable right now, because they were just robbed by Christopher Nolan! Warner Bros. and Christopher Nolan announced today that Anne Hathaway will play Selina Kyle/Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises. Michelle Pfeiffer just got into Eartha Kitt’s grave and they rolled together. And their bruises from seeing Halle Berry’s Catwoman were just starting to fully heal.

It was also announced that Tom Hardy will play Bane. The press release from Deadline:

Warner Bros. Pictures announced today that Anne Hathaway has been cast as Selina Kyle in Christopher Nolan’s “The Dark Knight Rises.” She will be starring alongside Christian Bale, who returns in the title role of Bruce Wayne/Batman.
Christopher Nolan stated, “I am thrilled to have the opportunity to work with Anne Hathaway, who will be a fantastic addition to our ensemble as we complete our story.”

In addition, Tom Hardy has been set to play Bane. Nolan said, “I am delighted to be working with Tom again and excited to watch him bring to life our new interpretation of one of Batman’s most formidable enemies.”

Nolan will direct the film from a screenplay he wrote with Jonathan Nolan, from a story by Christopher Nolan and David S. Goyer. Nolan will also produce the film with his longtime producing partner, Emma Thomas, and Charles Roven.
“The Dark Knight Rises” is slated for release on July 20, 2012. The film will be distributed worldwide by Warner Bros. Pictures, a Warner Bros. Entertainment Company.

But but but Anne Hathaway’s face was born to play THE JOKER (or at least Harley Quinn), not Catwoman. You know, I didn’t fully understand it when Heath Ledger was cast as The Joker, so I will save my shade until this mess comes out. I will use that energy on weeping for Sean Young who continues to lose out on the role of her acid dreams.