Melissa Etheridge Managed To Get Married Without Tammy Lynn Michaels Crashing That Bitch

But it’s not like Tammy Lynn Michaels could crash Melissa Etheridge’s latest wedding if she could. Tammy Lynn ONLY gets a paltry ass $86,000 a month from Melissa and so she can’t afford to put gas in the beat-up Pinto she drives and even if she could afford gas, she wouldn’t be able to get into her beat-up Pinto, because she’s too weak from only eating garden hose water and Top Ramen flavor packets.

At the San Ysidro Ranch in Montecito, California yesterday, Nurse Jackie creator Linda Wallem became the next woman who will one day hate the shit out of Melissa Etheridge and spend her days writing nothing but rage-filled, incoherent haikus on her blog after Melissa drops her ass for another trick. Linda Wallem was Melissa’s Best Woman when Melissa married Tammy Lynn Michaels and yesterday she was Melissa’s bride. As People pointed out, Melissa announced on her Twatter that she is somebody’s wife again:

True love…so blessed. “By the power invested in me by the state of California…” Thanks

UsWeekly that Linda (who wore a gown made of shaving cream) and Melissa’s guests included Rosie O’Donnell (Fun gayelle fact: If lesbians don’t invite gayelle mafia don Rosie O to their wedding, their Home Depot credit card will be revoked), Whitney Cummings and Chelsea Handler. I don’t think Chelsea is friends with either Linda or Melissa. She just sniffed out the open bar and crashed the party.

Anyway, congratulations to Melissa and her future ex-wife. I’m sure they both filled with happiness and were touched when they got Tammy Lynn’s wedding gift: a box of used dicks (Tammy Lynn can’t afford new ones).

The “Clay Aiken For Congress “Ad We’ve All Been Waiting For Is Here

As expected, the American Idol runner-up and the sole reason why every Claymate’s got a crusty foam stain on the inside of her mom jeans is running for Congress in his home state of North Carolina. Alfred E. Neuman’s Southern gay cousin announced today that he’s coming for the seat in Congress that Rep. Renee Ellmers is currently sitting in. Future Congressginge Aiken released this campaign ad today and it’s perfection from his ensemble provided by the Eddie Bauer outlet to the gorgeous stock music which sounds like a song from a Hallmark Hall of Fame movie. Clay Aiken talks about sleeping on a mattress with his mom on a friend’s living room floor after she left his drunk, wife-beating dad and goes on to talk about wearing clothes from the thrift store. If Clay learned anything from American Idol, it’s how to put together a gold star sympathy video. I don’t know why, but that ad reminded me of an episode of Starting Over.

Clay briefly talks about losing American Idol and says that he’s not a politician, which I guess is something you say to the people to get them to trust you since most politicians are shady assholes who will face punch a baby for a vote, but this is not something you should say in a job interview. If you’re interviewing for a receptionist position, don’t say, “I am not a receptionist.” You will not get that job. Anyway, Clay also said some words to the Raleigh News Observer about running. I wish he would’ve just recited the lyrics to The Real Me.

“I saw this as the best place I could serve, because I think Washington, in general, is dysfunctional. I think it’s high time we put people in Congress who were not beholden to their party, and not beholden to anything but the people who they live around and grew up around, in my case.”

Clay’s campaign is going to focus on jobs and education and THE ECONOMY! Clay plans to get most of his campaign money from supporters and that means his campaign budget will be at least $10 billion since you know those Claymates are going raise money for their ovaries-busting God by selling all their relatives to a human trafficking ring.

The preliminary election for North Carolina’s 2nd Congressional District is in May. One of Clay’s opponents, Houston Barnes, has already announced that he’s dropping out and he’s not going for the Democratic spot so he can support Clay. Keith Crisco and Toni Morris are still planning to go up against Clay.

And here’s another video of Clay talking about politics and stuff:

I’d totally vote for Clay (NO CLAYMATE), but with that said, can somebody please get his ass a new “Glam Squad.” How can the people of North Carolina vote for a dude who only wears Wet N’ Wild foundation on his face (and not on his neck) and whose eyebrows always look like patches of dead grass? Clay’s beauty deserves better.

And Lindsay Lohan Will Follow Up Her Razzie-Nominated Performance In The Canyons With…

Two strange things happened at Sundance yesterday: Lindsay Lohan showed up and she didn’t look like a dried-up yeast infection sore. LiLo actually looked good for LiLo. (Side note: Every time someone types “LiLo looked good,” millions of locusts rehearse the swarm-forming process.) The other strange thing that happened is that LiLo held a press conference where she announced that she’s starring and producing a psychological thriller and somebody put up the $5 million needed to make that mess. Cut to the original Oprah going through her purse while wondering where that $5 million she pulled out of the ATM earlier went…..

Buzzfeed says that before the press conference started, reporters were told that if they asked LiLo any personal questions, they’d be shown the exit door. Randall Emmett, whose production company made End of Watch and Lone Survivor, proved that he and LiLo snorted the wrong stuff in the car ride over when he called her “one of the greatest young actresses of her generation.” Randall said that LiLo has already been insured and right now they’re looking for a director. They start shooting in either New Orleans or Atlanta in March, so if you’re in one of those places you have a little less than two months to stock up on as much coke as you can. Randall spit this out.

“We are up here today to announce a new movie that we’re funding and producing alongside Lindsay, called Inconceivable. The movie will start shooting in March, and Lindsay and I just felt that coming up to Sundance and being among the community up here to announce an independent film is a really special place.”

And as Robert Redford weeped at the bottom of a cold shower over Sundance becoming the ho stroll of Utah, LiLo told reporters what that shit is about:

“I fell in love with the script, and I contacted Randall, and kind of harassed him to make it happen. But it’s just a really interesting story. It’s a psychological thriller about a woman who’s kind of on a journey to reclaim something that was lost of hers. And it gets a bit dark, but it’s a really interesting twist, and it’s something that I’m really looking forward to doing sooner rather than later.”

A woman who’s on a journey to reclaim something she lost? So it’s basically a Lindsay Lohan biopic and follows her as she tries to get her old career back. I hope they make a documentary about the making of this, because I really want to see what Lindsay “the producer” does when Lindsay “the actress” shows up 4 hours late. Bitch can’t apologize by sucking herself off.

And seriously, LiLo is wasting her time with that movie. Everybody knows that her one and only comeback vehicle is Life-Size 2!

Pics: Splash

Kaley Cuoco Got Married, Looked Like A Goddamn Pink Mess While Doing So

After the most natural and organic true love union between Kaley Cuoco and Superman bloomed and quickly died, I figured that she’d swear off love forever and spend her nights trolling the streets for in-love couples to stab in the throat. But Kaley Cuoco somehow managed to pick herself up, jump on a new dick, get engaged and get married. Kaley started boning professional tennis player Ryan Sweeting six months ago, three months later they were engaged to be married and now they’re husband and wife. And I’m sure they’ll stay married for the rest of eternity, or until Kaley needs more attention from People magazines and files for divorce, which will probably happen before the red velvet curtain closes on 2014. That’s real love!

People says that Kaley and Ryan’s pre-divorce ceremony happened at the Hummingbird Nest Ranch in Santa Susana, CA last night. 150 guests all spent their New Year’s Eve watching Kaley get married to the man who will probably become her first ex-husband.

I usually side-eye selfish whores who get married on Christmas Day or New Year’s Eve, but I’m sure there was an open bar and Kaley provided visual entertainment by looking like she was drowning in a jar of strawberry Fluff. And I’m sure Kaley has at least one drunk auntie who shook her head through the ceremony while saying, “From fake fucking Henry Cavill’s hot ass to this?! How dreadful, indeed.”

(Pic via Instagram)

Justin Bieber Is Trying To Grow A Stache Again

A few months ago, the come-to-life Kid Sister doll Justin Bieber tried to butch himself up by growing a field of hair above his lip. But because his stache hairs were as delicate as the seeds on a dandelion, they blew away in the wind and he was once again left with an upper lip that was smoother a stripper’s waxed taint. It’s been a few months and the Biebs is practically a man now (I mean, sometimes he goes an entire night without running to his mommy’s bed after thinking he saw the Boogie Man *coughUshercough*) so he’s trying to grow a stache again.

Those testosterone boosters and Rogaine foam must be working, because he had a pussy strip of fuzz above his mouth in NYC this weekend. He’s trying, but that stache still looks as precious and delicate as the last one. It looks like he shaved a peach and then glued the fuzz onto his upper lip with Elmer’s. I’ve seen baby brows that look tougher than that moustache. Shit, Kim Kardashian could grow a thicker stache when she was a newborn. Speaking of the Kardashians, the only way Justin Bieber will have a bunch of luscious, thick hair on his upper lip is if one of them lets him toss their salad before a waxing appointment.

Pics: Splash

Lindsay Lohan’s Out Of Rehab

Here’s a riveting video starring pictures of Lindsay Lohan leaving Cliffside in Malibu after spending a total of 90 days drying out. When the fillers in LiLo’s lips have dried up and turned to dust, she kind of looks like Bernann McKinney as a weekday pancake house hostess in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. What I’m saying is that LiLo has never looked better.

LiLo was supposed to stay in rehab for an extra 3 days, because she wanted to slowly seep back into the world, but I guess she said fuckit to that idea. TMZ says that instead of staying in rehab for a few more days, she’s going to live with a “sober coach.” This hasn’t been confirmed but I’m sure the name of her “sober coach” rhymes with Yack Maniels. Radar says that LiLo’s long-suffering lawyer Shawn Holley was in court this morning to give the judge proof that she completed her court-ordered 90 days of rehab. Judge James Dabney also ordered LiLo to 3 therapy sessions a week as per (yes, I wanted to type “ass purr” really badly) the recommendation of Cliffside’s CEO. Judge James said this during today’s hearing:

“Ms. Lohan has successfully completed residential treatment, and it’s being recommended that she continue with her psychological counseling consisting of three 50 minute psychological counseling sessions per week. This can be done in person when she is in Los Angeles, or via Skype when she isn’t.”

There will be another hearing in November to make sure LiLo’s doing what she’s supposed to do.

Skype therapy?! That should work out and I’m sure her therapist won’t think something in the milk is White Oprah when a suddenly blonder “Lindsay Lohan” Skypes in from the bar at T.G.I. Friday’s in Long Island and immediately giggles about his little tie….