Two strange things happened at Sundance yesterday: Lindsay Lohan showed up and she didn’t look like a dried-up yeast infection sore. LiLo actually looked good for LiLo. (Side note: Every time someone types “LiLo looked good,” millions of locusts rehearse the swarm-forming process.) The other strange thing that happened is that LiLo held a press conference where she announced that she’s starring and producing a psychological thriller and somebody put up the $5 million needed to make that mess. Cut to the original Oprah going through her purse while wondering where that $5 million she pulled out of the ATM earlier went…..
Buzzfeed says that before the press conference started, reporters were told that if they asked LiLo any personal questions, they’d be shown the exit door. Randall Emmett, whose production company made End of Watch and Lone Survivor, proved that he and LiLo snorted the wrong stuff in the car ride over when he called her “one of the greatest young actresses of her generation.” Randall said that LiLo has already been insured and right now they’re looking for a director. They start shooting in either New Orleans or Atlanta in March, so if you’re in one of those places you have a little less than two months to stock up on as much coke as you can. Randall spit this out.
“We are up here today to announce a new movie that we’re funding and producing alongside Lindsay, called Inconceivable. The movie will start shooting in March, and Lindsay and I just felt that coming up to Sundance and being among the community up here to announce an independent film is a really special place.”
And as Robert Redford weeped at the bottom of a cold shower over Sundance becoming the ho stroll of Utah, LiLo told reporters what that shit is about:
“I fell in love with the script, and I contacted Randall, and kind of harassed him to make it happen. But it’s just a really interesting story. It’s a psychological thriller about a woman who’s kind of on a journey to reclaim something that was lost of hers. And it gets a bit dark, but it’s a really interesting twist, and it’s something that I’m really looking forward to doing sooner rather than later.”
A woman who’s on a journey to reclaim something she lost? So it’s basically a Lindsay Lohan biopic and follows her as she tries to get her old career back. I hope they make a documentary about the making of this, because I really want to see what Lindsay “the producer” does when Lindsay “the actress” shows up 4 hours late. Bitch can’t apologize by sucking herself off.
And seriously, LiLo is wasting her time with that movie. Everybody knows that her one and only comeback vehicle is Life-Size 2!