NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!

Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez both have restraining orders against Gabriel Aubry, and yesterday he got his own restraining order against the French boxer who whooped the hot right out of his face. Gabriel gave these pictures of his post-Thanksgiving beat down face to the court and I’ll never understand why the authorities didn’t immediately run out and arrest Olivier for crimes against beauty. Gabriel looks like James Cromwell did experiments on him in the American Horror Story lab. Gabriel’s got the crazy running through each and every one of his veins, but he went from looking like a thing of natural beauty to looking like Chloe Sevigny’s AHS character with a beard on.

TMZ says that Olivier told the police on Thanksgiving morning that Gabriel came at him, but Gabriel says it was the other way around. In his declaration to the courts, Gabriel says that on the night before Thanksgiving, they were all at Nahla’s school to see her play and Olivier came up to him and whispered in his ear in French, “I wish I could beat the shit out of you right now. You’re lucky we’re in a school right now. We’re going to take Nahla right now and you’re not going to follow us.” Then Olivier ate 5 dozen eggs, bench pressed 3 blondes and won a spitting match. Bitch thinks he’s Gaston or some shit.

Gabriel says that the next day, he took Nahla to Halle’s house and usually the nanny greets them at the door, but this time it was Olivier. Olivier told Gabriel they needed to talk, but he wasn’t having it so he turned around to walk back to his car. Gabriel says that’s when Olivier jumped off the stairs, knocked him to the ground and started slamming his head into the concrete. Olivier kept screaming about how Gabriel cost him $3 million. I guess $3 million is what Olivier paid the lawyers to try to get Nahla to France.

When Olivier finished beating the French and the Canadian out of Gabriel, he told Gabriel to move to France or he’d kill him. Olivier also told Gabriel that the police were coming and he better tell them he started the fight or else. The “else” is code for “You be dead.” Gabriel never told the police about the threats and Halle’s “sources” still say he’s the one who started the brawl.

Gabriel will also go to court today to try to get the judge to lift the restraining order that’s keeping him from going anywhere near his daughter.

The moral of this story is: If you find yourself falling in love with Halle Berry and she’s falling in love with your ass, save yourself the drama, visits to family court and punches to the face by checking yourself into the nearest mental hospital. Because if you want to be with Halle Berry, then you are beyond insane. This is what happens to your face on Halle Berry!

Halle Berry Will Get Another Visit From Child Protective Services

L.A. County’s Department of Child Protective Services is dusting off Halle Berry’s old file and they plan to pay her a little visit because of the Thanksgiving morning beat down between Nahla’s father Gabriel Aubry and Olivier Martinez. Right before Olivier Martinez fisted Gabriel Aubry in his pretty face, Halle grabbed Nahla and rushed her into the house, so the kid really didn’t see much of the French vs. French Canadian war of 2012. But CPS was still contacted.

A source tells Radar that right after Olivier put a swollen welt on Gabriel’s eye, the LAPD reported the foolery to CPS. This isn’t the first time CPS has put a magnifying glass on all those crazy bitches. They’ve investigated allegations of abuse before. The source says that a social worker will talk to Halle, Olivier and Gabriel to make sure that Nahla isn’t totally in danger:

“Nahla wasn’t actually involved in the melee, and by all accounts, Halle whisked her out of the driveway as soon as the fight between Olivier and Gabe started. However, DCFS was contacted because there has been a history of allegations of physical abuse. Social workers will be interviewing Halle, Gabriel and Olivier about what happened on Thanksgiving. DCFS must ensure that Nahla’s environment is safe.”

Just when I start to think this couldn’t get trashier, it does. Well, at least little Nahla has another chapter for the Mommie Dearest-like tell-all she’ll write in 20 years. The lesson that Halle should learn from this mess is that the next time she wants some baby chowder from a hot piece, she should just pick up a hot piece from the side of the road, do him bareback-style in a motel and then disappear from his life. Didn’t Halle Berry learn ANYTHING from that Heart song?

Halle Berry Will Try To Get A Permanent Restraining Order Against Gabriel Aubry

Halle Berry’s lawyers will be in court tomorrow or Tuesday to ask the judge to restrain Gabriel Aubry’s ass indefinitely. After the Thanksgiving morning beat down between Halle’s ex piece and her current piece put both of their dumb asses in the emergency room, a judge issued a temporary restraining order against Gabriel, which means he’s not allowed to go anywhere near Halle, Olivier Martinez and his 4-year-old daughter Nahla. The restraining order expires on Tuesday. Halle now wants to make that restraining order more permanent. If the judge grants it, he should go ahead and wrap that restraining order and put a bow on it. Because the greatest Christmas gift Halle could ever get is the right to say, “HAHA! Got you, bitch!” to Gabriel Aubry.

TMZ says that Halle’s lawyers will argue that Gabriel started the tussle with Olivier Martinez and did it right in front of his own daughter. Halle’s lawyers will say that Gabriel is a tall drink of RAGE and he obviously can’t stop himself from Hulk-ing the fuck out in front an innocent child. Halle’s lawyers have argued before that Gabriel can’t control his temper and is a danger to Nahla.

There’s pictures of Gabriel Aubry’s beaten face at TMZ, and damn, Olivier punched the hot right of him. Olivier really did fuck with Gabriel’s money by going for the face. And as the pictures below show, Olivier walked away from that fight with only a few bruises on his whoopin’ hand.

Gabriel Aubry is dead wrong for coming at a French dude who is supposedly a trained boxer. Olivier Martinez is dead wrong for sticking his nose into some shit that doesn’t have anything to do with him and he’s dead wrong for going crazy on Gabriel. Halle Berry is dead wrong, because she’s always thinking of Halle and is using Nahla as a pawn against Gabriel. They’re all dead wrong and they’re all crazy bitches.

The judge should issue three restraining orders on Nahla’s behalf tomorrow: one against Gabriel, one against Olivier and one against Halle. Just give temporary custody of Nahla to a stuffed Simba toy, because it will do a better job of keeping her safe and sane.

Olivier Martinez Beat Gabriel Aubry’s Ass On Thanksgiving Morning

Halle Berry, Olivier Martinez and Gabriel Aubry gave little Nahla Aubry a touching and special Thanksgiving memory this morning when all three of those crazy bitches got into a fight of words and a fight of fists. Now you won’t feel so alone tonight when you’re sitting in a jail cell after throwing a can of cranberries at one of your family members. Celebrities: They’re just as trashy as us!

TMZ says that shit between Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry have been extra tense ever since a judge shut down her plans to move to France, and shit got extra EXTRA messy this morning. While dropping Nahla off at Halle’s house this morning, something set Gabriel off and he brought the crazy upon Olivier Martinez. Olivier Martinez returned the crazy by issuing a serious beat down on Gabriel. TMZ puts it like this:

Gabriel showed up at Halle’s doorstep with Nahla for a custodial hand-off. We’re told Gabriel was inside the house when Olivier walked up to him and said, “We have to move on.”

According to witnesses, Gabriel then pushed Olivier and threw a punch at his face, but Olivier blocked it and the punch struck him in the shoulder instead. We’re told Gabriel then pushed Olivier to the ground, and Olivier cold-cocked him in the face, and a struggle ensued, ending with Olivier pinning Gabriel to the ground.

In the struggle, Gabriel suffered a broken rib, contusions on his face, and possibly a more serious head injury. Olivier may have broken his hand and suffered neck injuries as well.

The cops showed up and Olivier made a CITIZEN’S ARREST!! on Gabriel. Gabriel is currently in the hospital where he’s being treated for bruises to his face and ego. Olivier also spent time in the same emergency room as Gabriel and he will press charges. A judge issued an emergency protective order, which means that Gabriel has to stay away from Halle, Olivier and his own daughter.

Halle can skip the turkey tonight, because she’s already full on smugness and happiness. Halle is loving this. But Gabriel did this to himself. You don’t mess with a French dude who squints his eyes so hard that you can’t tell if he’s ready to beat your ass or if he’s trying to squeeze out an extremely stubborn fart bubble. Not only that, but Gabriel Aubry is a model! Why would he risk his beauty by getting into a fist fight he can’t win? If Olivier challenged him to a pose off, Gabriel would’ve won, but not a fist fight. Dumb bitch, think of your pretty pretty face!

Here’s Olivier and Halle going to a party in Beverly Hills yesterday. You can tell Olivier’s in the mood to beat some ass.

Gabriel Aubry Is Getting Paid

GOOD NEWS! Our prayers have been answered and we no longer have to worry about Gabriel Aubry ruining her beautiful Adonis-like face by getting a wrinkle from doing actual work. Ever since March, Gabriel has been trying to convince a judge to order Halle Berry to pay him at least $15,000 a month in child support even though he doesn’t have full custody of their daughter Nahla. Yesterday in court, Gabriel flashed his nipple-burning smile and asked the judge if a beautiful face like his deserves to lie on a cheap Serta mattress in a $2,000 a month condo in Burbank? CASE CLOSED! Judgement for the gorgeous, humanized David with luscious Disney prince hair.

TMZ says that the judge is making Halle drop $20,000 into Gabriel’s perfectly manicured paws every single month. Gabriel’s lawyers argued that when Nahla comes to visit him, she should be swathed in the same kind of luxury she’s swathed in when she’s at Halle’s house. Don’t worry, Halle and Gabriel haven’t finished barking in each other’s pretty faces, because she’s still trying to move Nahla to France. So there’s that.

Now Gabriel can rent a fancy house, get fancy furniture, buy fancy sheets and stock his fancy refrigerator with fancy food so Nahla feels at home. And I’m sure Gabriel will really make Nahla feel at home by playing a recording on his Bose surround sound system of Halle screaming “YOUR FATHER IS A FUCKWAD ASSHOLE! I HATE HIM!” over and over again. A Bose surround sound system bought with that $20,000, thankyouverymuch.

Speaking Of #getmoneybitch

While Linda Evangelista is trying to get $46k a month in child support to take care of a son she has full custody of, Gabriel Aubry is showing her up by trying to get $20k a month in child support to take care of a daughter who doesn’t live with him all the time. Gabriel also wants Halle to write a $500,000 check to his lawyers. And the race for Miss Gold Digger Beauty of 2012 heats up!

Gabriel has been trying to get at least $20k a month in child support since March and he was in court yesterday to make it happen. TMZ says that the judge wouldn’t rule on it yesterday, because the lawyers Gabriel owes $500,000 to didn’t file the paperwork right. Apparently, Gabriel was making a beautiful sad face over this, because without Halle’s money Nahla will have to sleep in an egg crate stuffed in a laundry basket when she comes to visit and he’ll have to feed her creamed pickle soup he makes from tap water, Coffee-mate packs and relish packets he steels from Weinerschnitzel.

Gabriel told the court that he wants more child support from Halle so he can rent a nicer house and provide Nahla with the kind of life she’s accustomed to (read: a fancy one).

Everything I need to say about this I already said in March (Yes, I’m still pissed about losing my butt cherry to a janky mattress), but I’m posting it now, because I hope the #getmoneybitch goddess hears my prayer and puts Linda and Gabriel together. Gabriel and Linda are too beautiful to work full time and they both need to sleep on panda pubes sheets in order to raise their children. They belong together. Let us pray: