Gabriel Aubry’s House Isn’t Fancy Enough For Nahla

Gabriel Aubry has made a lot of coins from flashing his nipples and beauty in ad campaigns for Charisma, Louis Vuitton and True Religion, but he still doesn’t have enough money to give his daughter Nahla the fancy life she’s accustomed to. Nahla’s childhood will be scarred unless there’s the roof of a mansion over her head and she’s got a Blue Ivy-approved wardrobe in her solid gold dresser. Gabriel can’t pay for that fancy shit himself, so he’s asking a judge to force Halle Berry to fill his gold digger jar with enough money to rent a fancy house, buy Nahla fancy clothes and take her to visit his family in Canada on a fancy plane. Basically, Nahla is THAT fancy.

Gabriel wants a chunk load of money including $15,000 to $20,000 a month to rent a house. The judge was supposed to rule on this mess next week, but it’s been pushed into April. Gabriel is in danger of losing his custody rights of Nahla, because of the whole “nanny accusing him of raging on her” thing, so the family law judge is waiting for a decision from the dependency judge before ruling on the money thing.

These crazy ass bitches have to get crazy over the tiniest things. You know, I barely visited my dad after my parents got divorced, but when I did I had to sleep on a pull-out polyester couch (again, a polyfuckingester couch) in the living room. That shit was busted and I think the springs in the janky mattress took my butt virginity way too soon. Did my dad ever drag my mom to court to get her to give him enough money so he could give me the life I was accustomed to by renting a glamorous 3 bedroom tract house complete with a bedroom set from Levitz? No, but he should’ve, because I had to go through his bedroom to get to the bathroom and one time I caught him getting down with my one-legged stepmother. I haven’t been the same since. So I say, get that money, Gabriel!

As Halle Berry Makes The Smuggiest Of Smuggy Faces

“See, judge, see, that evil blond bastard is abusing MY daughter! It’s like he’s purposefully teaching her how to plank backwards to make her and me look stupid. That’s abuse. Do something! Do something! I’m an Oscar winner!” is probably what came out of Halle Berry’s mouth in court yesterday as she presented the above picture to the judge as evidence that Gabriel Aubry is a threat to Nahla. It worked, because a judge ruled yesterday that Gabriel can’t spend quality time with Nahla without a court-appointed babysitter (or should I say, baddaddysitter) making sure he doesn’t kidnap her and take her to France to live with his fiancé. Oh wait, that’s what Halle’s trying to do. I get their crazy antics confused sometimes.

Gabriel was ordered back to court last month after the nanny accused him of raging at her while she was holding Nahla. The nanny filed a police report against him and The Department of Children and Family Services was brought in to investigate. The nanny also claims that Gabriel called her a racial slur several times and yelled at Nahla in front of her. Radar reports that after DCFS wrapped up their investigation, they recommended to the judge that Gabriel not be alone with Nahla for the time being. That means he’ll have a monitor sniffing on his ass (Can I apply for the job?) every time he’s with Nahla and overnight visits aren’t an option anymore.

I’m going to look on the bright side of this mess instead of making yet another joke about how Nahla would be better off being raised by the crackhead hyenas from The Lion King than these two lunatics. In fifteen years or so, Nahla will be able to blame all her bad decisions on her fucked up parents and she’d be correct. And think of all the crazy stories about her crazy parents she’d be able to tell the hos at the bar. And think of the tell-all! This whole “raised by two mental hospital refugees” thing isn’t turning out to be so bad after all. /sarcasm

Halle Berry Makes A Healthy And Wonderful Decision During Her Custody Fight With Gabriel Aubry

That oily, rank-smelling drops of nastiness that just appeared on your monitor is from potent sarcasm dripping from that title. In case you didn’t already know from that cloud of insanity hovering over L.A., the joint ambassadors of CRAZY, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry, are turning their pretty faces into uglycrazyfaces while fighting over Nahla in court. Gabriel loses his shit over every move Halle makes and Halle loses her shit over every move Gabriel makes. The whole scene is messier than a fist party catered by Metamucil. So that’s why it’s such a perfect time for Halle to pick up Nahla and move all the way to France to be with her piece Olivier Martinez. And of course, Gabriel is taking the news so well that he’s bought Nahla a beret and has taught her how to say “I have the best and sanest mommy ever” in French. Only, he’s not.

TMZ says that Halle’s lawyers filed papers yesterday asking the court to approve her move to France. A hearing will be scheduled soon and workers are currently padding the walls of the court room since bitches are obviously going to get crazy. One source tells TMZ that Gabriel thinks this is Halle’s way of trying to keep him from his daughter and he doesn’t like that Nahla is going to live with Olivier full-time. TMZ thinks Halle has a case, because her stalker has broken into her house a few times and Nahla might be safer in Europe.

Why didn’t Halle just make a baby with Gabriel, dump him as soon as she got knocked up, stage a photo-op outside of a sperm donation center and then deny deny away when he asks her if the kid is his. That’s what any reasonable person would do! Because it’s pretty obvious that Halle only wanted Gabriel’s baby-making chowder and is trying to push him out of the picture for good so she can have Nahla all to herself. Halle is just adding another layer of crazy to this overgrown pile of crazy.

The only good that can come out of this is that Gabriel will star in a real life remake of Not Without My Daughter:

Yes, even during high pressure situations, Gabriel still keeps it cool enough to make a sexy model face.

The Whole Family’s Going To Therapy

In a court room in L.A. yesterday, a judge watched as two pretty faces slowly contorted into every layer of crazy as Gabriel Aubrey and Halle Berryberrycrazee tried to turn down their own insanity while discussing the custody of their daughter Nahla. A hearing was called last week after Nahla’s nanny accused Gabriel of pushing her during an argument. Halle asked the court to temporarily take away Gabriel’s visitation rights until the whole “nanny beating” thing cleared up. The judge didn’t do that, but after a long ass meditation hearing, they all agreed to do the following:

– Gabriel will go to anger management classes where he’ll learn that every time he feels like he wants to rage at a trick, he needs to stop, drop his panties and roll on over to the nearest webcam to give all of us a show.

– Halle will continue her own therapy sessions, or she’ll be framed for Gabriel’s death and will be forced to spend the rest of her life in an insane asylum with an ugly-fied Penelope Cruz in a jacked up wig.

– Halle and Gabriel will regularly meet with a third party to calmly talk about how they should raise their child. The third party will be given one of those Hunger Games suicide pills just in case their sanity can’t take facing a two-headed beast of lunacy.

– 3-year-old Nahla will also go to counseling.

– Gabriel wants the nanny fired, but the judge didn’t make any decisions about that.

TMZ’s source (who TOTALLY doesn’t have the name Halle Berry in their BlackBerry under “client”) claims that Gabriel was an uncooperative cunt plug during the entire hearing and getting him to agree to the stuff above was like pulling KFed away from the snack table.

It’s nice that the judge is trying to work with them and everything, but does anybody really believe that these two nut bags will calmly discuss anything without trying to gnaw each other’s pretty faces off? It’s always the pretty ones, right? This is why sometimes it’s best to go home with the ugly bitch at the bar. Sure, sucking on a pretty face is more fun, but you’ll also run the risk of waking up to them screaming about how they hear a baby forming in your gut and they’re going to take you to court for custody. Just slip Halle and Gabriel in a his and hers straitjacket, throw them in padded room and let that sand shovel raise Nahla instead. I mean, Nahla is looking at it like, “Yeah, you’ll make a good mom.”

Here’s Halle, Nahla and Olivier Martinez playing on the beach this past weekend.

Gabriel Aubry And Halle Berry Are Bringing Out The Crazy Again

For a while there, it seemed like Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry both let their crazy go dormant and slid to their corners to cool their raging assholes by feeding it a Valium enema and a marijuana suppository. But you can’t keep the crazy down for long. Halle Berry will show up in a court in L.A. today to ask a judge to take away all of Gabriel Aubry’s visitation rights until Child Services finishes investigating him for putting their 3-year-old daughter Nahla in danger by allegedly shoving at the nanny.

TMZ reported last night that Nahla’s nanny, Alliance Kamdem (ALLIANCE!!!), filed a police report after she claims Gabriel pushed her while his daughter was in her arms. Alliance says that earlier in the day, she went to pick up Nahla from school and was told that the kid didn’t go. When Alliance went to Gabriel’s condo, she picked up Nahla before asking Gabriel why Nahla didn’t go to school. That question summoned Gabriel’s crazy and he responded by screaming “You’re the fucking nanny. Who do you think you are? You are a nobody. You don’t need to fucking know anything!” at Alliance. These Hollywood dudes. If they’re not fucking the nanny, they’re screaming fuck words at the nanny. Gabriel then shoved Alliance into the door while Nahla was still in her arms.

Alliance apparently suffered an injury and when she was questioned by the police, she told them that Gabriel is a tall drink of asshole and regularly curses at her in front of Nahla, making the kid cry. When Gabriel isn’t throwing racial slurs at Alliance, he’s making her sit in a corner in his condo until he’s ready to deal with her.

As well as Child Services looking at Gabriel, the LAPD also opened up a criminal battery and child endangerment investigation against him.

Yes, there are two sides to every story and both of these sides are absolutely fucking ass crazy. Do I believe that Gabriel rages at the nanny? ¡Sí! Do I believe that Halle Berry has got the nanny in her pocket and is using her to fuck with Gabriel? ¡Sí! Do I believe that Nahla is going to emancipate herself as soon as she knows what that is and will quickly enter the Berry Aubry Protection Program? ¡Sí! But more importantly, do I believe that Alliance Kamdem is the hottest name for a nanny I’ve ever heard? ¡Síiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

Halle Berry And Gabriel Aubry Are At it Again

File this under: You can’t keep the crazy down for long.

Earlier this year, Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry tried to stain each other’s pristine reputations (not really) by trying to make the other sound as crazy as possible. Halle’s side accused Gabriel of being a racist baby abuser and his side accused her of being a beautiful woman wrapped around a stick of bat shit. But when both sides realized that they were quickly pushing Nahla into a future of daddy issues and chewable Prozac pills, they cooled their scorned anuses on an icy cold bowl of THINK OF THE CHILD. It didn’t last very long, because TMZ reports that they’re fighting over Nahla again.

Halle’s lawyers filed papers in court yesterday morning claiming that Gabriel has violated their child custody agreement by putting Nahla at risk again. The documents state that the red flag in Halle’s head hasn’t gone down and she’s concerned about her daughter’s safety when she’s with Gabriel. Halle used an “overseas incident that put Nahal’s safety in danger” as an example. The source wasn’t specific so we’re all left wondering what Gabriel keeps doing that makes Halle drag her lawyers to court.

You know what else I’m wondering? Whatever happened to the good old days when mad bitches kept their shit out of the courts and took it to the front yard of their houses instead? You knew your split-up parents still loved you when your daddy would come to pick you up for the weekend and you’d watch them throw plants, soil bombs and hateful words at each other. Nothing says “We still love you” like your mom snatching your overnight backpack off your shoulder before telling you to take your ass inside. Nowadays, crazy dumb whores are willing to expose themselves to harsh court lighting and wood paneling in the name of child custody. It’s gross and wrong.

And does Halle’s insane ass really expect me to believe that a father who nom noms on his daughter’s foot funk in front of the paps would ever do anything to harm her?