Where’s Daniel Day-Lewis?

This is one of the first pitchers of Rob Marshall’s Nine starring Daniel Day-Lewis and a bunch of broads. The picture needs a little visit from Photoshop, because it’s looking like a pageant photo from Miss Drag Queen World 2008. In case you have no idea who some of those bitches are, they are from left to right:

Judi Dench (in the Suri wig), Penny Cruz, Marion Cotillard, Sophia Loren, Fuggie Fug, Nicky Kidman, Kate Hudson and some random trick in the back trying to sneak into the picture.

Of course, Nicky has to have the spotlight on her wax figure-looking ass. It’s probably not even a spotlight. It’s the toxic glow you get from too much Botox.

The people in front of Fuggie must be wearing raincoats and carrying umbrellas. Fuggie’s got her legs open for business and she’s a known squirter.

Wait…I think that’s Daniel Day-Lewis‘ head down below in front of Fuggie’s geyser hole…. I really, really hope he was wearing a gas mask.

Everything’s Better With A Little Rickman In It

Alan Rickman has joined the cast of Tim Burton’s “Alice in Wonderland” in the role he was born to play: The Caterpillar! Alan dressed in a sexy caterpillar costume and smoking a hookah!? I can’t. His voice is already like a smoke of warm velvet, so I can already imagine what he’s going to sound like as The Caterpillar. You better bring some Kleenex to clean up your ear orgasms.

Another Burton veteran, Christopher Lee, will also lend his skills to the movie, but it’s not known what role he’s going to play. Some seem think he’s going to play The White Knight.

The rest of the cast includes Johnny Depp (Mad Hatter), Mia Wasikowska (Alice), Helena Bonham Carter (The Red Queen), Anne Hathaway (The White Queen), Michael Sheen (Cheshire Cat), Matt Lucas (Tweedledee/Tweedledum) and Crispin Glover (Knave of Hearts). Of course, Danny Elfman is doing the score.

This shit comes out in 2010, so that gives you plenty of time to perfect your pot brownie recipe. You know this crap is going to be best viewed with a few scrumptious chocolate weed cakes.

The Talking Chihuahuas Can’t Be Stopped!

For the second weekend in a row, “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” is the #1 movie at the box office with $17.5 million. It’s made a total of $52.4 million. Damn. Stoners and screaming babies must really love this shit.

The end is near (see below), so people would rather be entertained by a singing chihuahua than a talking DiCaprio. It makes sense. Leonardo DiCaprio and Russell Crowe’s new bore fiesta “Body of Lies” was no match for the dancing chihuahuas.

“Body of Lies” brought in $13.1 million, which was good enough for the third spot. HAH! My chihuahua laughs at the dude from “Titanic.”

That horror movie that we’ve probably seen a million times “Quarantine” was the #2 movie of the weekend with $14.2 million.

I was tempted to see “Beverly Hills Chihuahua” this weekend, but I decided to wait until it shows up on my Netflix queue. That way I can see it from the comfort of my own bong. Besides, if I want to be entertained by a talking chihuahua, I just have to take a few dozen bong hits and stare at my own dog. We’ve seriously had some amazing and deep conversations while riding on the green cloud. He knows me better than anyone.

Here’s the weekend’s top 10:

1. Beverly Hills Chihuahua – $17.5 million
2. Quarantine – $14.2 million
3. Body of Lies – $13.1 million
4. Eagle Eye – $11.0 million
5. Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist – $6.5 million
6. The Express – $4.7 million
7. Nights in Rodanthe – $4.6 million
8. Appaloosa – $3.3 million
9. The Duchess – $3.3 million
10. City of Ember – $3.2 million

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What Do You Expect?

Tim Burton is currently shooting “Alice in Wonderland” with Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter. And what’s a Tim Burton movie without Helena Bonham Carter? Of course, he’s cast her ass as The Red Queen. Anne Hathaway will play her sister, The White Queen. That bitch isn’t in the Disney cartoon movie, but is in the novel. Yes, I read that shit! Okay, I read the Cliff Notes version, but that counts.

This is Helena and Johnny’s fourth Burton movie together. They’ve already done “Corpse Bride,” “Charlie and the Shit Factory” and “Sweeney Todd.” This is Helena’s sixth Burton movie and Johnny’s seventh.

It’s obvious that Helena only got the role because she’s sucking the director’s hairy dick, but her acting doesn’t make me fart, so she’s fine. It kind of goes without saying that if you’re bumping it with Tim Burton, you’re going to get cast in all his movies. Remember that tall bitch Lisa Marie? She was in tons of Burton movies and then they sort of broke up. That was a career killer, because what’s she doing now? Exactly.

Hollywood Goes After Yogi

Hollywood is continuing its mass murdering of our classic favorites and this time their ax has gone into the back of Yogi Bear. The evil warlords at Warner Bros. have hired writer Ash Brannon (“Surf’s Up“) to develop the new feature shit show.

The studio plans to use both live-action and CGI like “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” Most of the movie will be live-action, but Yogi, Boo Boo and the other animals will be CGI.

Why make Yogi and Boo Boo CGI?! The only way this crap will work is if they cast John Travolta as Yogi and Tommy Girl as Boo Boo. DUH! Their hungry butts can’t wait to play those roles. I’m sure they role-play as Yogi and Boo Boo down in Tommy’s Scientology dungeon. They play “hide the baby carrot in the pic-a-nic basket.”

And you know “The Jetsons” is next! For real this time.

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Double The Crowe

It was already known that Russell Crowe’s voluptuous ass would play the Sheriff in Ridley Scott’s “Nottingham,” but now he’s also playing Robin Hood. Ridley said that Russell would play both roles, but he wouldn’t comment any further. He only said that Russell as Robin Hood and the Sheriff would be “a good old clever adjustment of characters. One becomes the other. It changes.” Sybil for the Middle Ages!

Ridley also confirmed that shameless slut Sienna Miller is playing Maid Marian. Russell’s wife better lock his dick up and pour a little holy water on it to keep it safe from Sienna.

Ridley and Russell should take this concept a step further. Russell should play all the roles. He definitely has the belly of wonder needed to play Friar Tuck. He also has the huge titties for Maid Marian. And Russell likes to sing, so he can easily cover Bryan Adams‘ “Everything I Do (I Do It For You).” Win!