Johnny Depp Is Busy

Don’t expect Johnny Depp to return your phone calls anytime soon, because he’s going to be tied up for a while. And not tied up in the way you’ve fantasized about over and over again. The pimps at Disney have announced that Johnny will star in 3 films for them. Depp is officially a Disney whore! He’s also the only Disney whore I want to see half-naked on MySpace.

Johnny is currently shooting Disney’s “Alice in Wonderland” for Tim Burton. He plays the Mad Hatter opposite Mia Wasikowska as Alice and Matt Lucas as Tweedledee/Tweedledum. The film will combine performance-capture imagery with live-action shit. Tim is also shooting it in 3-D.

Okay, Tim owes it to the world to add a full nude scene featuring the Mad Hatter. Seeing Depp’s peen in 3-D has become my newest mission in life.

After Johnny finishes “Alice,” he will move on to “The Long (typo, but it stays) Ranger” and “Pirates of the Caribbean 4.” Obviously, he’ll be playing Jack Sparrow again in the latter. In “The Lone Ranger,” he’ll play Tonto and not the title role.

Okay, Disney owes it to the world (for bringing Miley Cyrus into our lives) to cast Rodrigo Santoro as The Lone Ranger and add a sex scene. Oh and that shit should be shot in 3-D too. I mean, it makes sense. Tonto and The Lone Ranger always wanted to do dirty sex to each other.

John Travolta Is Going To Be Pissed!

Steven Soderbergh is working on a biopic of the one and only Liberace! Variety (via CS) reports that Steven has picked Michael Douglas to play Liberace.

Matt Damon is also in talks to play Scott Thorson, Liberace’s alleged companion of five years. Scott sued Liberace in 1982 for $113 in palimony. Even though Liberace denied he was gay, he still settled with Scott for $95,000 in 1986. In 1987, Liberace passed away of complications from AIDS at the age of 67.

Michael Douglas is the last person I can see playing Liberace, but I’ll still be 8th row center when this comes out. If it comes out.

You know Tommy Girl’s scientolohole is going to pay tonight when John Travolta finds out he lost his dream role! He loves any excuse to wear rhinestones and crushed velvet in public! Oh well, John. There’s always the Elton John biopic…..

Nicolas Cage Is On Top!

Nicolas Cage and the dead hyena laying on his head might not be celebrating today even though they have the #1 movie in the country. “Bangkok Dangerous” did top the box office this weekend, but only with $7.8 million. It’s the lowest grossing #1 movie in the past five years. The last time a #1 movie opened lower was when David Spade’s Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star earned just $6.7 million in 2003. Hah. Almost beat by Dickie Roberts. That has to burn.

“Bangkok Dangerous” cost $45 million to make. The studio probably spent $20 million alone on keeping Nicolas’ wig greased up. I almost considered going to see this shit, but decided I would waste less time by just flushing my $12 down the toilet.

I would have definitely seen it if it was called “Bang COCK Dangerous” and starred a bunch of big-donged nekkid dudes.

Here’s how the rest of the truly shitty weekend box office looked:

1. Bangkok Dangerous – $7.8 million
2. Tropic Thunder – $7.5 million
3. The House Bunny – $5.9 million
4. The Dark Knight – $5.7 million
5. Traitor – $4.7 million

Source

Annie Potts Better Be In This Shit

Variety reports that Columbia Pictures has hired the bitches from “The Office” to write a script for a new “Ghostbusters” movie. The studio wants to bring back the original cast of Harold Ramis, Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd and Ernie Hudson.

How old are those pepaws now? They are practically ghosts themselves. And they better not forget about Annie Potts! Harry Potter wishes he looked that sexy in coke bottle glasses. Besides, she needs to be saved from “TV show guest star” hell. The last time I saw her was on one episode of “Ugly Betty.” Eeesh.

The studio can also save some money by going on easy on the CGI effects. Instead of a CGI Slimer, Pete Doherty’s loogie can play him. Kiki Dunst’s saggy titty sacks can gain some weight to play the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.

Got Milk!

The trailer for “Milk” is here and it’s pretty evident that Sean Penn will get nominated for one of those gold statue things. The film is based on the life of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man elected to political office. It was directed by Gus Van Zant. Hopefully, “Milk” will redeem Gus for that “Pyscho” fiasco. Casting Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates was just criminal.

“Milk” also stars James Franco, Josh Brolin, Diego Luna, Emile Hirsch and Victor Garber. Victor Garber! I mean, bell bottoms, terry cloth shorts and Victor Garber? I’m in.

Saint Angie Banned In The U.K.

Not Saint Angelina herself. If that happened, the world would be sucked into a black hole.

Just a couple of posters featuring Saint Angie holding a couple of guns were banned. The U.K.’s Advertising Standards Authority ruled that two movie posters for “Wanted” glamorize guns and violence. Only 17 complaints were made against the posters, but the ASA felt it was enough to ban them forever!

They issued this statement: “We acknowledged most viewers would understand the posters reflected the content of an action film. However, we considered that because the ads featured a glamorous actress, action poses, several images of, or related to guns and aspirational text, they could be seen to glamorize the use of guns and violence.”

The studio said the images “were highly stylized and in keeping with the comic-book-based nature of the flick.” That being said, they still had no choice but to pull the posters out of circulation.

Please! Guns were not the reason why the posters were banned! Saint Angelina’s holy image is too much to take. Cars crashed into things! Trains grinded to a halt! Men went into convulsions in the streets. Schoolchildren missed class, because they were spending their days kneeling on the sidewalk, worshipping her image. It was a distraction.

And you know the head bitch of the ASA will disappear in a cloud of white smoke!

Source: E! Online

Thanks Kath