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Wonky McValtrex Could Win An Award This Year!
Wonky better wipe the jizz dust off one of her shelves because she could take home an actual award for this year. The award for being the biggest piece of shit on movie screens this year! That’s because she is nominated for a Razzie Award for her diarrhea-inducing perWHOREmance in The Hottie & the Nottie. This would be her second! She was given this prestigious honor for that House of Wax bullshit a couple of years ago.
The Razzie nominations were announced this morning and they called out the worst bitches and movies of 2008. Mike Myers’ The Love Guru got the most nominations with seven. Wonky’s 2nd grade school project and The Happening also got a few nominations. Uwe Boll, the King of Shit, managed to get a special award for contributing gallons of vomit to the movie industry.
I’m kind of upset that I’ve only witnessed a few of these disasters. I better buy a big bucket, a 12-pack of Charmin and get to watching all these epic shit shows.
All the nominations are after the jump. My only prediction/wish is that Pierce Brosnan takes home The Golden Dingles award for his hideous walrus warble in Mamma Mia! Seriously, wrap that shit up and send it his way. JUMP!!!!
Worst Movie
DISASTER MOVIE & MEET THE SPARTANS
(Two Movies — One Berry Badly Beaten Dead Horse of a Concept!)
THE HAPPENING
THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE
IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
THE LOVE GURU
Worst Actor
Larry the Cable Guy – WITLESS PROTECTION
Eddie Murphy – MEET DAVE
Mike Myers – THE LOVE GURU
Al Pacino – 88 MINUTES and RIGHTEOUS KILL
Mark Wahlberg – THE HAPPENING and MAX PAYNE
Worst Actress
Jessica Alba – THE EYE and THE LOVE GURU
The Cast of THE WOMEN – (Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith
and Meg Ryan)
Cameron Diaz – WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS
Wonky’s Ugly Ass – THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE
Kate Hudson – FOOLS’ GOLD and MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL
Worst Supporting Actor
Uwe Boll (as Himself) – UWE BOLL’S POSTAL
Pierce Brosnan – MAMMA MIA!
Ben Kingsley – THE LOVE GURU, WAR, INC. and THE WACKNESS
Burt Reynolds – DEAL and IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE
Verne Troyer – THE LOVE GURU and UWE BOLL’S POSTAL
Worst Supporting Actress
Carmen Electra – DISASTER MOVIE and MEET THE SPARTANS
Paris Hilton – REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA
Kim Kardashian – DISASTER MOVIE
Jenny McCarthy – WITLESS PROTECTION
Leelee Sobieski – 88 MINUTES and IN THE NAME OF THE KING
Worst Screen Couple
Uwe Boll & ANY Actor, Camera or Screenplay
Cameron Diaz & Ashton Kutcher – WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS
Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore – HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE
Larry the Cable Guy & Jenny McCarthy – WITLESS PROTECTION
Eddie Murphy IN Eddie Murphy – MEET DAVE
Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel
THE DAY THE EARTH BLOWED UP REAL GOOD
DISASTER MOVIE & MEET THE SPARTANS
INDIANA JONES & THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL
SPEED RACER
STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS
Worst Director
Uwe Boll – 1968: TUNNEL RATS, IN THE NAME OF THE KING and POSTAL
Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer – DISASTER MOVIE and MEET THE SPARTANS
Tom Putnam – THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE
Marco Schnabel – THE LOVE GURU
M. Night Shyamalan – THE HAPPENING
Worst Screenplay
DISASTER MOVIE & MEET THE SPARTANS
THE HAPPENING
THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE
IN THE NAME OF THE KING
THE LOVE GURU
Worst Career Achievement
(Special Category!)
Uwe Boll
(Germany’s Answer to Ed Wood)
Just Don’t Cast Nicole!
The Great Gatsby is the only book I read in high school from cover to cover. The other books I had to read, I used CliffsNotes or asked around in AOL chat rooms. Aw. I loved AOL chat rooms. You could suck cyber cock in one room while asking literature questions in another. Sweet memories.
So because it was the only book in high school I cared about, I’m a little fucking grossed out that Baz Luhrmann has bought up the film rights. This will be the fifth The Great Gatsby movie. My personal favorite is the TV version with Mira Sorvino, because it’s a hot steaming log of diarrhea covered in obese maggots.
Baz thinks it’s a perfect time to do a remake, because everyone’s money is burning. Baz said, “If you wanted to show a mirror to people that says, ‘You’ve been drunk on money,’ they’re not going to want to see it. But if you reflected that mirror on another time they’d be willing to. People will need an explanation of where we are and where we’ve been, and ‘The Great Gatsby’ can provide that explanation.”
People don’t go to the movies to think! They go to see soft core fucky times, bitches shooting each other and talking animal friends. I know for a fact that they don’t go to the movies to see Nicole Kidman, so if Baz is thinking of casting her as Daisy, he better change his name to Spaz and crawl into a kangaroo pouch.
I can totally see him casting Nicole, because he’s all up on her rubbery snatch. Nicole is no Daisy! The bitch ain’t even the plastic daisy bouquet from the clearance section at Big Lots that sits on my mom’s living room coffee table.
This Shit Looks Good
Basement Baby’s sister has a movie coming out next year called Obsessed which is like Fatal Attraction on a budget. Most of you might give this mess two minutes of your time if you happen to catch it while channel surfing, but this is the kind of crap I pay to see. With shit shows like this, the theater is usually empty so I can lounge about and laugh in peace! But I also love cheap thrillers featuring crazy bitches, strip shows in cars, Ali Larter, bad wigs, betrayal and revenge. This has it all!
Beyonce probably won’t show us crazy, but she’ll definitely show us shit acting.
Golden Globe Nominations: Tommy Girl Gets A Nod, True Blood Robbed!
What in the barley water Xenu hell is this shit all about?! Tommy Girl got a Best Supporting Actor nomination for his “blink and you’ll miss it” cameo in Tropic Thunder. Who’s Caesar Salad with extra dressing did he toss to get nominated? The better question is probably who’s Caesar Salad hasn’t he tossed in Hollywood? Does it only take wearing a bald cap and acting like a fool to get nominated? If that’s the case then Coneheads should have swept the GGs back in ’93. ….the fuck?!
The other dudes in Tommy’s category include Robert Downey Jr. (Tropic Thunder), Ralph Fiennes (The Duchess), Philip Seymour Hoffman (Doubt) and Heath Ledger (The Dark Knight).
Heath was the only one nominated from The Dark Knight.
In the other film categories, Brad Pitt was nominated for that baby with old face movie. St. Angelina was nominated for that “He is not mah son” movie. Sean Penn got one for Milk and Mickey “My Face Kills Bunnies” Rourke got one for The Wrestler. Both Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet were nominated twice. Meryl for Mamma Mia! (ew) and Doubt. Kate for Revolutionary Road and The Reader.
During the nominations, the audience started laughing their shit off when Tommy Girl and James Franco (for Pineapple Express) were nominated. I didn’t laugh when they announced Tommy, I slapped myself, poured rubbing booze in my ears and rewinded to make sure I heard correctly.
On the TV side….TRUE BLOOD WAS ROBBED!!!!! TB only got two nominations: one for Best Drama and one for Anna Paquin. No nominations for Lafayette and Tara! They are the best bitches in that shit! Anna Paquin is the least most interesting ho in that crap. RECOUNT!
While I go and write my “You are True Blood H8RS” letter to the Foreign Press Association, click here to see all the Golden Globe Nominations.
AND no Phoebe Price for her life-changing role in Get Smart! I can’t…..
This Is Not A Joke
Kristen Stewart, the wooden doll in Twilight and Panic Room, will play Joan Jett in the biopic The Runaways. Kristen is perfectly capable to play a dead fish left by the side of the road in the summer sun, but she is no Joan Jett. The girl is not the one. Kristen is probably going to get nominated for a Razzie for this performance this year even though they haven’t even shot it yet. I predict this shit will be painful.
The movie will be directed and written by music video director Floria Sigismondi . Joan Jett must have co-signed casting Kristen, because she is a producer on the movie. It will start filming sometime next year. They have to work around Kristen’s shooting schedule for the Twilight sequels.
I can only imagine who is going to play the rest of those hot bitches: Taylor Momsen IS Cherie Currie (she already has the hair), Ashley Jizzdale IS Lita Ford, Taylor Swift IS Sandy West, Miley Cyrus IS Jackie Fox. Suri Cruise will shoot a cameo as Mikki Steele. You know this is going to be the cast.
I Didn’t See Twilight This Weekend….
I was a little afraid to admit this in fear that rabid fangirls would track me down, bite me with their fake vampire fangs, smear strawberry jelly on my neck, drag me to the next showing of this shit and hold me down throughout the whole thing.
I wanted to go, but everyone told me to make sure and go to the 8 o’clock show. That shit is too early for me. They said that was when the tween vampires were out in full force. One of my friends said some 14-year-old bitch wouldn’t stop crying and shrieked whenever Robert Pattinson was on the screen. And some of those girls already memorized the lines and shit. Apparently, the hos in the audience are more entertaining than the movie itself. It sounds like I’ll need to be drunk, stoned and suffering from a minor concussion to deal with this fuckery.
I didn’t go to see this shit, but tons of whores did, because it was the #1 movie at the box office with $70.5 million. That’s a whole lot of allowance dollars. Not surprisingly, the sequel is already in the works and so it starts again…..
Here’s the full top 10 movies of the weekend:
1. Twilight, $70.6 million
2. Quantum of Solace, $27.4 million
3. Bolt, $27 million
4. Madagascar: Escape 2 Africa, $16 million
5. Role Models, $7.2 million
6. Changeling, $2.6 million
7. High School Musical 3: Senior Year, $2 million
8. Zack and Miri Make a Porno, $1.7 million
9. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, $1.67 million
10. The Secret Life of Bees, $1.3 million
WTF is The Boy in the Striped Pajamas? That sounds like a Michael Jackson documentary.