Paris Jackson Says She’s Just Friends With Old Man Emile Hirsch

The good news is that you’re not old until 22-year-old Paris Jackson says you’re old. But the bad news is that according to Paris, anyone over 35 is ancient. Back to the good news, Paris enjoys the company of people all ages. But I’ve got more bad news. Some of those people she enjoys are the embodiment of are bad news, specifically the practically geriatric 35-year-old lady-choker Emile Hirsch. But in better news, despite Emile posting a picture of the two of them together with the caption “hiding out with you” on Instagram, Paris insists they’re just friends. However, in the worst of newses, what Paris actually said was “he’s actually one of the youngest homies of mine,” the phrasing and content of which has made this old crone right here break out in shingles and my last original tooth is now hanging by a thread.

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Choking A Woman At Sundance Has Landed Emile Hirsch In Jail For 15 Days

“You know, I was sure I wanted to nickname him Lil’ Chokey, but after seeing this picture, I might be leaning more towards Crazy Eyes” though Emile Hirsch’s cellmate for the next 15 days.

Back in January, Emile Hirsch, the sometime actor and friend of Shia LaBeouf (four words which tell you everything you really need to know about Emile Hirsch), was arrested during the Sundance Film Festival after he got a little too boozy and a little too handsy with a Paramount executive named Dani Bernfeld. A few days after he was arrested, Emile packed his bags and slipped off to rehab. And now it’s time for him to pull out his suitcase once again, because he’s shuffling off to jail for the next two weeks.

According to Variety, Emile Hirsch plead guilty to choking out Dani Bernfeld on Monday and was sentenced to 15 days in jail, paying a $4,750 fine, and performing 50 hours of community service. Usually putting someone in a chokehold qualifies you for a maxium five year prison sentence, but for some reason, Emile dodged that bullet. Additionally, the assault charges will be dismissed once he completes his sentence.

Emile told the judge on Monday that there was “no excuse” for his behavior and that putting Dani Bernfeld in a chokehold was “wrong” and “reckless“. Even though it sounds like he’s learned that choking is a no-no, I really hope he doesn’t slip up after his 15 days in jail. Maybe one of his A-list actor pals could watch over him once he gets out and make sure he doesn’t do violence. Like Shia LaBeouf? Errrr, on second though. Ooh, what about his Into the Wild director, Sean Penn? Uh…yeah, no. Wait, I got it – how about his Lone Survivor co-star Mark Wahlberg? Shit. Emile, you might be on your own, buddy.

Pic: Wenn.com

Emile Hirsch Is Hanging Out In Rehab After Being Charged With Assault For Choking A Woman At Sundance

Last month, Emile Hirsch’s name popped up in the news after it was reported that he had gone full loco at a Sundance party by getting next-level hammered and putting Paramount executive Dani Bernfeld in a chokehold. And now TMZ says we finally have all the details of the fight and he’s been charged with felony assault. The only problem is, Emile claims he has no memory of ever doing it and is blaming it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol.

The Tale of the Choking Douche goes as follows: on the evening of January 25th, a drunk Emile cornered Dani Bernfeld and asked her why she looked “so tough” before hissing at her that she was a “rich kid” who didn’t belong at Sundance. Dani walked away and went to sit with her friends, and that’s when Emile came up from behind and put her in a chokehold, dragging her to the ground, and started choking her. 2 bystanders eventually pulled Emile off of Dani. Damn, sounds like someone was picking up more than just acting tips from Sean Penn on the set of Milk.

When cops showed up, they charged him with 3rd degree felony aggravated assault, which could potentially put him in the pokey for 5 years. Emile’s spokesperson says that Emile was very very drunk and had no idea what he was doing, and that he’s currently drying out in rehab:

“Emile takes these allegations very seriously, and is devastated that any of this has occurred. A few days after the incident, Emile sought help and checked himself into an alcohol rehabilitation facility, where he remains today, to ensure nothing like this ever happens again.”

Allow me to translate from PR damage control to English for you: Emile has seen enough episodes of Beyond Scared Straight to know that he doesn’t want to go to there, so he’s doing some time at Betty Ford’s Cliffside Promises instead. Which is good, because it sounds like he might need it. I mean, how drunk do you have to be to think that Sundance is some sort of underground indie hipster film festival?

The “Emile Hirsch Was A Mess At Sundance” Story Just Got Messier

Emile Hirsch, an actor type who we haven’t really heard much of since the mid-2000s, is currently giving us a reason to say the name “Emile Hirsch“, but not for the reason he (and I’m sure his agent) would like. On Monday, it was reported that Emile Hirsch had gotten physical with a female Paramount Pictures executive at a club at the Sundance Film Festival, but not much else was known besides the fact that it was messy and the cops were called. Two days later, Page Six has the details, and this shit is pretty trashy.

Page Six says it all went down at 3:30am on Sunday morning at Tao Nightclub. According to a source, 29-year-old Emile, who is at Sundance to promote his film Ten Thousand Saints, was apparently drunk as hell and started “aggressively picking on” 31-year-old Paramount executive Dani Bernfeld. The source claims Emile suddenly snapped, and “pushed Dani up against a table, and then he put her in a headlock.” Another source, who refers to what Emile did as a “chokehold”, adds:

“He attacked her from behind — he completely blindsided her after he’d been shit-talking and was already led away from her once.”

Eventually the police were called and a witness says Emile calmly explained the situation and wasn’t arrested. Park City police are currently investigating the incident and are deciding if charges should be filed. Uh, I’m no lawyer, but I’d say “being a drunk disaster and putting someone in a chokehold” is still an arrestable offense, right?

And how the fuck did this trashy shit happen at the Sundance Film Festival? I always thought that out of all the film festivals, Venice was the classy grandma, Cannes was the messy drunk aunt, Toronto was the low-budget brother, and Sundance was the chill cabin-dwelling cousin. Damn Sundance, what happened? You’ve turned into the drunk uncle who puts you in a headlock. Robert Redford, get your film festival together.