Eddie Murphy Is Going To Be A Daddy For The 9th Time

Here I was going on and on about the baby-making bareback daddy skills of Hugh Grant, Lil’ Wayne, Jim Bob Duggar and Mel Gibson, and I have failed to give credit to Eddie Murphy’s fertile jizz fishes. It’s been more than 8 years since 54-year-old Eddie has made another kid and since then, his jizz fishes have been hitting the treadmill, doing sit-ups and eating lots of protein (does this mean they’re cannibals?) while waiting for the day they’d get another chance to knock a trick up. They recently got that chance and didn’t disappoint. Eddie’s girlfriend of around 4 years, 36-year-old Paige Butcher, is carrying their first kid together and his 9th total. That news made the California Department Of Child Support Services hire more staff.

Eddie’s rep didn’t say much. They only said this to Page Six about Eddie’s latest baby:

The couple “are pleased to announce that they are expecting a child in May,” Murphy’s rep told Page Six.

Right now, Eddie has 8 kids with 4 baby mothers including Scary Spice (remember that messiness?). I would list all of their names, but I doubt even Eddie knows them by heart. He just calls them, “Kid #1, kid #2, etc…” Eddie’s eldest is 26 and his youngest is 8. He’s also a father to two 25-year-olds and yes, they have different mothers. So back in the day, when Eddie Murphy wasn’t giving rides to transgender hookers, he was shooting bare nuts into ovaries.

And the nutsacks of Stevie Wonder and Mel Gibson are probably filled with major action right now, because their jizz fishes are hyped up and don’t want Eddie Murphy’s baby batter showing them up like this.

Pic: Wenn.com 

Eddie Murphy Said No To Playing Bill Cosby In A SNL Sketch

And this is coming from someone who said yes to playing Rasputia in Norbit, so that’s saying something. According to Norm Macdonald (via The A.V. Club), Eddie Murphy was supposed to have a much bigger part in the Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary show last Sunday. What we got was Chris Rock introducing Eddie Murphy, who walked out on stage, waited for the applause to die down before doing a little ‘thanks everyone’ and signalling that it was time to cut to commercial. What we were supposed to get was a Celebrity Jeopardy sketch with Eddie Murphy playing America’s alleged drink-drugging dad Bill Cosby.

In case you didn’t see it, “Bill Cosby” made an appearance during a video daily double (it happens around the 7:48 mark). He’s played by Kenan Thompson, but according to an insanely long essay written by Norm Macdonald on Twitter, he was supposed to be played by Eddie Murphy.

Norm says it all started because Eddie skipped the SNL 25th anniversary. David Spade had apparently once made a joke about him on Weekend Update, and that hurt his feelings, so he swore he’d never go back. However, either time healed his wounds or Lorne Michaels backed a giant truck full of money into his driveway, because he decided to return for the 40th anniversary. That’s when they thought it would be a great idea to write him into the Celebrity Jeopardy sketch as Bill Cosby. The Twitter story is long, so it’s after the cut.

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Too Easy. Too Too Easy.

Khloe, stop it ,bitch! You aren’t even divorced from Lam Lam yet and you’re already trying to woo another rich black man? Pimp Mama Kris really taught you to have no shame.

No, this isn’t a picture of a desperate Khloe Kardashian trying to snatch Eddie Murphy away from his piece since her marriage is slowly burning up in a crack pipe. Khloe wishes she could pull off the leg warmers with flip-flops look. This is Eddie Murphy and his girlfriend Paige Butcher walking to his car as two bearded beauties try to give him roses. I thank these bearded beauties for giving us a perfect “the jokes write themselves” moment.

Pics: Wenn.com

Eddie Murphy Follows Brett Ratner Out The Door

Brett Ratner bowed out as producer of the Oscars last night to devote more time to making love to a bowl of shrimp scampi and now his homegirl Eddie Murphy is doing the same thing. But Eddie wants only transsexual hooker shrimps in his bowl, thankyouverymuch.

The Academy president let out a statement today saying that Eddie believes in “bros before ho…scars” shit and feels like it’s wrong for him to stay on as host without his partner in douchery. As his assistants packed up the dozens of lady fat suits he planned on changing into throughout the ceremony, Eddie said these words:

“First and foremost I want to say that I completely understand and support each party’s decision with regard to a change of producers for this year’s Academy Awards ceremony. I was truly looking forward to being a part of the show that our production team and writers were just starting to develop, but I’m sure that the new production team and host will do an equally great job.”

Where do I sign the “Courtney Stodden 4 Oscar host” petition? Every presenter will have to say “…and the glisteningly glimmery Oscar that my long lingering fingers are sumptuously caressing the succulent heat off of gorgeously goes to…” and the show will be cut short halfway through after Courtney is kicked out of the theater for tarnishing the innocent no-eyes of the statues by being too sexy. Courtney Stodden 4 Oscar host! Get the “Betty White 4 SNL host” people on it.

via Deadline

Josie Grossie Is The Most Overpaid Movie Star In Hollywood, So Says Forbes

It’s another day, which means there’s another list from the professional list makers at Forbes and this time they’re pulling some OCCUPY HOLLYWOOD shit on millionaire movie stars.

Forbes took their highest paid actor list and compared it with the grosses for all the movies they starred in within the past 5 years. They had to star in at least 3 movies (animated movies were not counted) that opened in 500 theaters or more. They took what each of their movies made (including first year DVD sales) and added it together. Then Forbes took what the actor made for each movie and added that shit together. Then they divided those two totals. You know, I don’t even know what I just typed. That mess is like a foreign language to me. I know, you come to Dlisted for dick cheese jokes and I’m giving you math! Let’s just assume that Forbes got higher than a C in 6th grade math, unlike me, and came up with the correct numbers.

You’d think that Katherine Heigl would be #1 through #10, but that bitch isn’t even on the list. Drew Barrymore took the top loser spot and Tommy Girl took the second from the bottom (wink wink). Here’s the entire list:

1. Drew Barrymore – $0.40 on every $1
2. Eddie Murphy – $2.70 on every $1
3. Will Ferrell – $3.50 on every $1
4. Reese Witherspoon – $3.55 on every $1
5. Denzel Washington – $4.25 on every $1
6. Nicolas Cage – $4.40 on every $1
7. Adam Sandler – $5.20 on every $1
7. Vince Vaughn – $5.20 on every $1
9. Tommy Girl – $6.35 on every $1
10. Nicolas Kidman – $6.70 on every $1

If you asked my advertisers what they get for every $1 they put into Dlisted, they’d probably say hate mail and 2am e-mails from me begging them to send me their products for quality control purposes (that last part only applies to vibrator companies), so Drew Barrymore has one up on me.

Thanks to the Sir Isaac Obviouses at Forbes for letting us know that some millionaire movie stars ain’t worth shit on a shit road. But I’d much rather see a list of Hollywood’s most underpaid stars, which I’m assuming would include Betty White, everybody in Showgirls, the “I’ve Got No Legs” dude from Kids and Donna Wilkes from the Angel movies.