Doug Hutchinson And The Porn Iguana Are Working Things Out (At Least When Everybody’s Watching)

The wine tumblers of romantics everywhere overflowed with the tears of angel kittens when the news broke last week that everybody’s favorite couple, Dough (typo stays) Hutchinson and Courtney Stodden were ending their marriage. After two years, countless barf-inducing appearances and Courtney’s morph into a future Caption This Contest photo, she pulled the marital butt plug, reportedly leaving Dough (I swear, I’m not doing it on purpose) heartbroken.

Radar is forcefully breathing life into the two people on the planet who give two shits or a piss if these crazy kids make it work, saying the two were seen at Hollywood’s Musso & Frank’s Thursday night, a move not at all orchestrated for publicity.

“Courtney and Doug were all over each other at the restaurant, acting like they always did when they were together,” an eyewitness exclusively told Radar.

“Doug told people in the restaurant that he and Courtney were back together and working it out.”

According to the eyewitness, Stodden and Hutchison remained cuddled up their booth all night, but didn’t hesitate to talk and take photos with fans who noticed their presence.

“They were hot and heavy in that booth!” the source said.

“It’s obvious how much Doug wants to be with Courtney, and I’m not sure if it’s completely reciprocated…but I think she’ll stay with him for the time being because she can’t get enough of the attention they get as a couple.”

This hit me right in the feels. Nothing says love quite like letting some old, greasy dude paw you while you look around to see who’s watching, right? This is right up there with Romeo and Juliet, if Juliet was a fame hungry piece of plastic with the mental fortitude of the contents of a rock quarry and Romeo was completing his transformation into a banana slug dressed up for Halloween as k.d. lang.

Afterward, Courtney and Doug probably went home, where she tottered off with Dourtney on her wannabe Shauna Sand hooker heels to Google herself in her well-appointed Hello Kitty room, while Doug retreated to the garage to contemplate man’s existential dilemma while restocking the candy supply in his windowless van.

(Photo: Wenn)

The Porn Iguana And Creepy Doug Are Sharing Custody Of Dourtney

When all of the cherubs flew into the sun after hearing that the human (??) symbol of true love, Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison, are over, most of us picked ourselves up off the floor, scrubbed the dried tears off of our cheeks and screamed to the sky, “But what about DOURTNEY?!” The Porn Iguana and her melted Fred Durst-looking ass husband have answered our question today. They released a statement to The Daily Mail today confirming that she’s decided that wants to be free (read: do porn) and explore life (read: explore peens that aren’t attached to Doug) and he’s letting her do that, because she was starting to get too old for him anyway. Or maybe this is all just another publicity stunt for her to get a reality shit show. I don’t know. But more importantly, they’re sharing custody of Dourtney.

Dogs haven’t yet evolved to the point where they can release their own statements in human words. But if they could, Dourtney would probably release his own statement saying that he wished a bobcat and a coyote shared custody of him instead of these two. I don’t mean that. Obviously the Porn Iguana is the epitome of maternal elegance.

True Love Is A Lie: The Porn Iguana And Her Creepy Husband Are Over

Whoever (read: every bitch with a brain) said that a love between a teenage porn iguana and a creepy PedoBear in a human costume would never last, was sadly telling the truth, because The Daily Mail says that after two years of marriage, Courtney Stodden has the left the mound of foreskins that her pimp mom sold her to when she was 16. Don’t try to talk True Love off the edge, because it knows and we know, that it’s dead and shit, it never existed in the first place! Now you know why The New York Times will run an obituary for True Love later today.

The Daily Mail says that last night, the Porn Igauna threw a Slutoween party in her Hollywood Hills house, but Doug Hutchison wasn’t there. A source says Courtney is the one who pounded her marriage dead with her new medicine ball titties and that Doug’s heart broke into a million pieces. The source went on to say that when Courtney was in the Celebrity Big Brother house in London, she realized that life was so much better without a used suppository with legs following her around. A different source tells Radar that Doug and Courtney are keeping the break-up news to themselves for right now, because she’s currently trying to sell a dating reality show starring her (they can call it Porn Iguana of Love) :

“Doug knew he was taking a risk with the marriage, but he genuinely feel in love with Courtney and didn’t realize how much his life would be changed after they got married. She is branching out and doing her own thing and Doug is getting left behind.”

Everything with Courtney and Doug is so contrived, but he wasn’t with her at her Halloween party and she’s always doing things by herself lately. He just isn’t part of the scene anymore now. They’ll probably stage a photo opp just to pretend they’re still together though.”

Yeah, Courtney and Doug were just an arranged publicity stunt and this break up is probably just another  STUNT QUEEN move to get all of us talking about their messy asses again, but this is still devastating news and I’m sure I’ll see you all at church where we’ll light a candle for True Love.

And more importantly, who is going to get custody of DOURTNEY?!

Since they supposedly broke up, does that mean they have to break up Dourtney’s name too? Are they going to call him Doug or Courtney? So many questions. My weekend is ruined.

Leaning Tower Of Puta

Here’s toppling mass of silicone Courtney Stodden taking in a movie at the Arclight in LA. Those warped fugazi titties are taking her over! Body AND soul!  They want to drive! They want to match! They scoff at that cheap spandex! They’re going to blow this whole thing sky-high! They’re saying “fuck this airhead bitch! She’s going to have to stand skewed and need a handrail! We’re going to pop off her head and just grow a new one if we deem it necessary! It won’t be any dumber than the current one!”

It might not be her tits. It could be whatever mood-enhancer Tooms regularly stuffs down her throat to keep her docile is making her into a slutty Jenga tower.

Pics: WENN

Courtney Stodden Isn’t Going To Win Celebrity Big Brother

After three weeks of flirting with Mario Falcone from TOWIE and making viewers clutch at their nipples in pain by flashing her purple tits of doom, Courtney Stodden was evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house in London last night. The Porn Iguana and the human disco ball Louie Spence were the sixth and seventh hos to be kicked out of the house. Pure elegance has left the building!

While wearing a stunning shade of lipstick in Pepto-Bismol barf pink and a ratty nest of weaves that gave her that fresh “I got attacked by rabid raccoons during an outdoor orgy” look, Courtney told CBB host Emma Willis that she was hoping she would be kicked out of the house. Courtney wanted to explain herself for flirting with Mario. Courtney said that Doug has nothing to worry about. She’s still the Anna Nicole to Doug Hutchison’s broke down, busted, Dollar Tree J. Howard Marshall. Being away from Doug for three weeks didn’t un-brainwash her.

Earlier this week, Courtney and Mario were forced to be handcuffed together and the cameras caught her hand caressing his hand and vice versa. Courtney told Emma that their hands weren’t making sweet love to each other, “We were touching hands and it was out of boredom. I wouldn’t be doing that if I had feelings for him.”

The Daily Mail says that Doug bought Courtney’s explanation and he smiled from the front row while holding a bunch of balloons. It was very sweet and thoughtful of Doug to bring Courtney balloons. Because it looks like the overstuffed plastic bags in her chest are going to explode any minute, so she’s going to need replacements.

Pics: Wenn.com

From The Department Of Ick Nast: The Porn Iguana And Creepy Doug Talk About Their Sex Life

If you want to learn that your fuck parts have the ability to shrivel up, lose all their feeling, turn grey and crawl up into your body, then watch the stunning porn iguana and her foreskin-faced husband who talk about their sex life. This is the weirdest and grossest and most disturbing episode of To Catch A Predator EVER.

Because porn iguanas take their sweet, slow ass time down the road toward a 3-porn deal with Vivid, Courtney Stodden is only talking about boning in this sex therapy session she shot with Doug Hutchison for Passion and Pleasure. During the 8-week course, Dr. Ava Cadell (a woman who should get an award for almost doing a spot-on voice impersonation of Rachel Dratch as Barbara Walters) of the totally legit and not-at-all made up Loveology Univeristy (which might be where Dr. Phil got his PhD) gives them tips on how to have a better fuck life.

Courtney tells Dr. Ava that when they first got married, they did it at least once a day and now they only do it once a week. Courtney wants to do it more and wants Doug to dress up like a cop and arrest her. You know, Courtney’s sex fantasy is not far off from my fantasy involving those too. I want an actual cop to show up to their house, handcuff them both and arrest the hell out of them for assaulting my imagination.

But really, I love how they’re still trying to make us think that they hump on each other. The closest they get to sex is him helping her shed her lizard skin, because he’s saving a bunch up to make a clone out of her. And I don’t know if Courtney is trying to be sexy in this mess or if the weight of her medicine ball titties are crushing her lungs and making it almost impossible for her to burp out a breath.

I hope that in a follow-up video, Dr. Ava gives us tips on how to safely pull our brains out of our heads and squeeze out the image of a naked Doug (which probably looks like an old potato with an ingrown sprout).

Here’s the always elegant Courtney and Doug’s Jamie-from-Small-Wonder-after-a-botched-face-lift-looking ass leaving Mr. Chow in L.A. the other night.

Pics: Splash