Category: CROCS Are Evil
Presented Without Comment: The Star Wars™ Chewbacca™ Crocs
Okay maybe just a few comments: Fuck you, Disney! Fuck you right in Mickey Mouse’s asshole!
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And The Prince Wore CROCS!!!!!!!!!!
GOD SAVE THE PRINCE FROM THOSE RUBBER DEVIL MITTS ON HIS FEETS!
Any trick who spits up at the mouth about how the royals never work can eat their peasant words, because they worked two shifts this weekend. Yesterday, Duchess Kate, Prince William and the hardest working baby in the game (sorry, Justin Bieber) Prince George had to smile and wave at THE QUEEN’s annual birthday parade. You’d think that after all that waving they’d have to spend their Sunday resting their wavin’ hands in freshly warmed fine velvet cloths as their servants massage their sore smiling muscles, but nope. They were back at work today at the Festival of Polo at the Beaufort Polo Club in Tetbury, England.
People says that Duchess Kate, Prince George and some other British royal types watched Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William play polo. I guess tiny royal princes care as much about polo as I do, because Prince George spent most of the time playing on some hill. Photographer James Whatling gave this highly riveting and majorly thrilling witness account of Prince George trying to slide down a slope:
“[George] was playing on the bank. He was walking up the steps and then tried sliding down the bank. The older ones like Savannah was doing it so he wanted to do it too. He was sliding down and Kate joined him, trying to support him as he did.”
When a biopic about Prince George’s life is made in the future, I expect that moment to be the most captivating and edge-of-your-seat scene in the movie. But really, who cares about that when we have more important things to talk about like those CROCS!
I know that Duchess Kate and Prince William want their family to be the people’s royal family or whatever, but they have gone too far by making their kid wear CROCS. I’ve said before that it’s only okay to wear CROCS if you’re planting some shit in your garden or if you’re a baby who doesn’t know any better, but I take it back. Because now that Prince George has been photographed in toddler CROCS, I’m sure they’re already sold out and soon my eyes will be terrorized by the sight of kids in CROCS everywhere.
But you know, I bet that Prince George picked out those CROCS himself, because he don’t give a hell and can do whatever he wants. In that picture above, he’s totally thinking to himself, “I will wear CROCS and I will fart on you. I’m the future king!”
Pics: Splash
It’s A Sad Day For Mario Batali
Add Crocs to your Steve Buscemi-approved kill list if the company isn’t already on it, because they’re trying to shut down Mario Batali’s special brand of sexy.
According to Eater, Crocs is pissing all over Mario’s love by discontinuing the signature orange Bistro and Bistro Vent clogs he has worn since his wife gave him a pair when he opened his first restaurant. You kind of have to wonder how that moment went down. “Congratulations on all your success! Here are a pair of shoes guaranteed to not get you laid by me or anyone else!” We see you, Mrs. Batali. That’s one way to keep cute hostesses from sniffing around your man, as if every other damn thing Mario visually has to offer wasn’t already a deterrent.
Mario went and bought himself 200 pairs of the discontinued Crocs to hold him over for a while, which proves two things. One, his loyalty to fuckugly footwear is unmatched. Two, I’m just going to go ahead and believe he is that dedicated to making Gwyneth Paltrow cringe when he shows up at her house looking like a toddler whose mom gave up the power struggle over clothes and let him dress himself. She probably waves her hand and says, “Oh, that’s just Mario!” in an Italian accent she has spent hours in front of the mirror practicing before she slips away to leave her assistant a note asking her to Google the temperature at which hideous rubber footwear burns.
200 pairs of shoes may sound excessive, but Mario doesn’t fuck around with things he’s passionate about. When asked what he would want for his last supper, he said it would take 15 years and 753 courses. The prison system had better cross their balls that there aren’t any foodies locked up on death row because Mario just suggested the most gluttonous stay of execution of all time.
(Note from Michael: I just printed out that picture, held up it and screamed, “Fight the REAL enemy,” before tearing it up. “Mario Batali” must be Italian for dark-sided Satan worshiper, because he is on the wrong side of EVIL for keeping CROCS alive!)
(Photo: Wenn)
Jeremy Jackson Thinks Drinking Bottled Water Makes You Bisexual
During the season premiere of Celebrity Rehab, Jeremy Jackson, Hobie from Baywatch turned meth head turned steroid needle fucker, had an insane conversation with resident technician Shelly that went like this:
Shelly: What about bottled water? Are you okay with bottled water?
Jeremy: I…um… You know, in a pinch.
Shelly: In a pinch? What do you mean? What’s wrong with bottled water?
Jeremy: That plastic bleaches and causes cancer. And, uh, bisexuality it’s been linked to directly
Shelly: Minerals in water….
Jeremy: Yeah.
Shelly: Causes bisexuality?
Jeremy: Yeah, it’s been linked anyway.
Oh, Hobie, just because you did ass sex with a bottle of Poland Spring when you were high on meth that one time and it gave your peen the good leaks, doesn’t mean you’re half-gay. I SWEAR. This isn’t a warning that guzzling bottled water will give you a hankering for peen and poon, but it is a warning that mixing meth with roids will feed the part of your brain that operates paranoia and dumbness. Hobie should also know that scientists have reason to believe that his third degree meth face causes asexuality. It’s been linked anyway.
But just to be on the safe side, I’m going to send a case of bottled water to Prince Hot Ginge….
via Jezebel
Nice Try, CROCS!
A recent poll shows that the majority of the world’s population has jumped over to the light side and now believes that CROCS are made from the charred souls of Satan’s slaves in the depths of HELL (I’m lying, there’s no such poll). That is exactly why the CROCS main PR department, whose offices are in the 6th circle, is trying to win you back by pulling at your heart strings until your arteries split open and bleed tears made of AWWWWWWs. Example: This story about an adorable PAID LITTLE ACTOR English boy whose young life was saved thanks to a pair of CROCS! You feel the first string tugging already, don’t you. WEAK FUCKS!
Danielle Sutton-Dormer of Essex tells the Daily Mail that her 3-year-old son Harley got electrocuted from a faulty blowdryer in a swimming pool changing room at a leisure centre near their home. Harley suffered a few minor burns, but the paramedics said it could’ve been much much worse if he wasn’t wearing the lifesaving CROCS. Harley’s mother said, “The paramedic said he was really lucky he was wearing Crocs shoes at the time, as they stopped the electricity going through his legs and coming out of his feet and probably saved him from serious injury.”
The moral of the story is, do not use a fucked up blowdryer in a swimming pool changing room! But if the importance of hair forces you to do so, slip two giant rubber vaginas over your feet or stand on two dildos. They will also stop the shock and you won’t look like a complete fool. Okay, you will look like a complete fool (who is mostly likely on some kind of government list), but at least you won’t be contributing to EVIL!
Presented Without Comment
Okay, maybe just one comment:
Wait. Did I just post a picture of a cat in RED Crocs?! Run Morris RUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!
via Craigslist (Thanks Brian)