Category: Crazy
One Couple Claims They Won Powerball And They Went Straight To The Today Show Before Turning In Their Ticket
Every whore in the land had their own idea of what they would do if they beat the impossible of impossible odds by winning the jackpot in the $1.6 billion Powerball Lottery. Some people said shit like, “I’d IMMEDIATELY hire a tax ho and a lawyer before I even claimed the money.” And I said that if I won, I’d turn in that ticket as soon as the Lottery office opened the next morning and then I’d burn my phone, smash my laptop into a million pieces and run off to some desolate cabin in the mountains where I’d write Dlisted using smoke signals. But not John and Lisa Robinson of Munford, Tennessee. The Robinsons claim that they have the winning ticket and the first thing they did after telling their kids and lawyer was call up the Today show. I mean….
Nicolas Cage Will Give Back The Stolen Tyrannosaurus Skull He Bought At An Auction
This isn’t even the most Nicolas Cage story of all-time. It can get a whole lot more Nicolas Cage-ier. I bet his wig didn’t even move an inch when his butler, who has to dress up like Alfred from Batman, walked into his man cave, which is done up like King Tut’s tomb, to tell him that the Mongolian government has requested that he returns the stolen dinosaur skull he bought at auction. Just another day in the life of this crazy mess.
Tom Cruise Is Going To Erase The Memory Of Leah Remini’s Existence From His Life
As everyone knows, Leah Remini’s memoir is full of beautiful drops of Tom Cruise craziness like how cookie dough is serious business to him, he won’t dare sip his tea from a chipped mug, he is Father of the Millenium and he looks down at John Travolta. (“Oh please, that troll queen couldn’t look down at me even in her highest heels.” – John Travolta) Leah said she felt like Tommy was giving Scientology a bad name by being the crazy mess that. In Tommy’s defense, Scientology gives Scientology a bad name. Katie Holmes released a statement where she apologized to Leah for pissing her off. Scientology also butt burped up a statement where they called Leah a spoiled entitled diva. But Tommy himself has kept his mouth lips shut over everything Leah said about him and he’s probably going to keep it that way.
A source tells UsWeekly that Tommy “freaked out” over Leah trashing him like that. If Tommy had a Joan Crawford-approved meltdown over jank cookie dough, I can only imagine the hissy fit he threw over that SB (Suppressive Bitch) talking shit about him. He probably made his minions dress up like Leah Remini and he read them each until their tears drowned the Thetans on their cheeks. But the source says that you shouldn’t expect Tommy to talk about Leah in public, because he’s not going to do that. He’s going to let his Scientology goons smear her while he erases all traces of her from his life:
“He thinks it’s a major betrayal. Leah is what the church calls a ‘suppressive person,’ so she’s evil in his mind. He wipes the memory of any SP out of his life. He’s letting the Scientology people discredit her.”
You can laugh at Tommy for thinking he can just glamour away the memory of Leah Remini, but don’t underestimate his Scientology powers. Tommy has proven that he can erase anything from his mind. I mean, he’s successfully erased every shred of sanity from his being, so he obviously has the power! So when a reporter asks him about Leah Remini and he says, “I don’t know her,” believe him.
Pic: Wenn.com
Taylor Swift’s Voice Sounds Different In This Video…
Okay, no, Taylor Swift isn’t in this video, but I’m almost more than sure that the working title for Bad Blood was “Katy Perry Is A Satanic Woman Who Has Led Millions To Hell!”
You may know so-called Christian activist Christine Weick from the hilarious classic comedy “Bottoms Up and the Devil Laughs” and now the 99 Cent Store God Warrior is back to tell Katy Perry’s father that he’s skipping down the highway to Hell with his daughter. Katy Perry’s Christian pastor dad Keith Hudson, who is giving me Elizabeth Taylor from AHS: Hotel glamour in that still above, did an interview with a radio station in Phoenix, Arizona where he called his daughter a “godly child.” Christine Wreck was listening to that interview and it set her off so she went to the radio station and waited for Pastor Keith in the lobby. When Pastor Keith came out, she pounced and said to him, “You’re the daughter of Katy Perry!” (I want that as my ringtone.)
Christine Wreck then went on a not-nearly-as-hot SHE IS NOT A CHRIS-CHEN-like rant where she rebuked Pastor Keith for not stopping his daughter from leading millions of children to the portals of the underworld with her music. Christine Wreck has condemned her own son to the depths of Hell for listening to Katy Perry’s music. This is like a really, really dark version of your friend’s mom having a serious talk with your mom because a PG-13 movie was shown during your slumber party.
Pastor Keith, who allegedly called Katy Perry a “devil child” during a sermon once, tried to reason with her and told her that she wasn’t acting very Christian-like. But he quickly learned that trying to reason with Christine Weick is like trying to reason with a drunk hyena. She went on and went on and declared Katy Perry’s video for E.T. a work of Satan.
Katy Perry should really hire Christine Wreck as her new publicist, because that mess made the E.T. video sound way more interesting than it is. I mean, Katy Perry has the sex with demons in it? I need to watch it again.
Olivier Martinez Doesn’t Want To Fight It Out With Halle Berry In A Custody Battle To The Death
Getting into a fight for custody with Halle Berry is like waltzing with a chainsaw who accuses you of being a racist piece of trash and a shit dad. Olivier Martinez apparently knows this, so he’s not even going to dare to get into the ring with Halle Berry and is going to try to play nice. That is the worst news Halle Berry’s lawyer has ever heard! They’ve been eyeing a vacation home in St. Thomas and hoped they could buy it with the money they’d make from her next never-ending custody craziness. Damn that Olivier Martinez for wanting to be a sane and mature adult!
One Million Moms Wants ABC To Drop Their Perverted-fied Muppets Show
The all-new The Muppets show debuted last night and around 9 million pairs of eyeballs watched it and that put it above Scream Queens (which was like watching Ryan Murphy reenact Heathers with Barbies) for the night. The new The Muppets show to me was like The Office but with Muppets. Sure it was a little more “adult,” but it’s not like the old show was squeaky clean. I mean, Janice was obviously always high out of her felt mind, Miss Piggy and Kermit were in an abusive relationship and Scooter was obviously a sociopath and serial killer since nobody is that nice for real. But well, the comedy group known as One Million Moms (aka Five Crazies With One Million Burner Email Accounts Between Them) believe that the new Muppets show is tainting the brains of the innocent children!
Before last night’s premiere, the group of conservative moms released a letter begging ABC to not smear the pristine innocence of children with their Muppet filth. They wanted ABC to pull the first episode. Their letter didn’t work obviously. But it did work at making me spit out a stream of LOLs. They are comedy geniuses and their line about Kermit not wearing pants proves that. The letter in all its hilarious entirety is after the cut.