This Happened: Gayken & Ruben Do The Classics

One the opening night of Clay Gayken and Ruben Studdard’s tour in Asheville, North Carolina, they turned up the fuckery to dangerous levels with their medley of all the songs your drunk auntie sways her ass to at weddings.

I mean, This Is How We Do It, Mmmm Bop and I Want It That Way? It’s like a copy of Now That’s What I Call The 90s crashed into an episode of The Captain & Tennille Show after side-swiping a velvet teddy bear.

And the sight of Gayken grabbing his crotch in Hammer Pants probably brought a Claymate out of menopause.

(Thanks Gillian)

Ass To Ass

Gordon Ramsay was taking his sundried mammillas out for a stroll with his wife on the beach in St. Tropez yesterday when he stopped so that this eyeballs could taste a pair of roasted and wrinkled ham hocks. You know Gordon was thinking how delicious those things would taste with a red wine sauce drizzled on top of them and a side of broad beans. Serve ’em up, you stupid donkeys!

And before you start farting about how Gordon is wearing too many clothes on a nekkid beach, take a better look because he’s clearly baring the ass on top of his neck. What more do you want? (And I still would. Both those asses).

We All Wish We Were Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney is the luckiest wheezy old goat “alive“!!!! Andy doesn’t have to bother with an annoying toilet, because he can easily just go caca in his pappy pampers whenever he wants. Andy doesn’t have to overwork his jaw by chewing on solid foods, because he only swallows pureed pumpkin from a Steamboat Willy sippy cup. Andy doesn’t have to deal with annoying ass bitches in the outside world, because he never EVER leaves his desk. Andy doesn’t have to fantasize about softly stroking Anderson Cooper’s silvery landing strip, because he’s got two of them over his eyes!

But what really makes Andy the luckiest geezer alive is that he has no idea what a Lady Gaga or a Justin Bieber is! Why can’t we all be 550-years-old like Andy!

…..The Fuck?

This is a MAN DOWN CODE 10 EYEBROW SITUATION right here. You know Lindsay Lohan put a Sharpie in Ali Lohan’s hand and forced her to paint these eyebrows on, because she said it will make her look like Joan Crawford. Fuck my eyes with a wire hanger, because she looks more like the Benjamin Button-ized love child of Groucho Marx and Gollum. Lindsay Lohan should stick to sniffing Sharpies instead of using them on her sister’s eyebrows. Beyond brow fuckery.

I am a strong supporter of eyebrow art, but this only works if Ali Lohan wants to look like a bridge witch who lost all her teeth from chewing on children’s toe nails and gnawing on deer bones. Ali’s sweater is even disintegrating at the sight of her scary ass. It’s afraid she’s going to throw it in the oven like she did to those village kids. Release the Kraken! I said “Kraken,” not “Crackhead,” so you can stand down, Lindsay.

Here’s more of Ali with Lindsay Lohan at Millions of Milkshakes yesterday. Millions of Milkshakes is really the only place that will give Lilo a job nowadays.

These Two Crazy Skeletons Belong Together

Both Larry King and his wife of nearly 13 years Shawn Southwick filed for divorce last week after getting into a fight over the allegations that he’s fucking her sister. Well, People says there’s a good chance they won’t quit each other after all. Larry’s lawyer had this to say:

“There’s a 50-50 chance this divorce is not happening. His focus is on the best interest of his children. It’s not clear to me which way he’s going to turn on this issue.”

After all the dust from Larry’s orifices settled, they probably decided that deep down they still love each other. Larry knows that he will never find another lady who won’t choke on her own vomit at the sight of him eating a whole raw fish like The Penguin in Batman.

Shawn realizes that after humping on Larry’s body for all these years, she’s officially a necrophiliac. And why should she go trolling the morgues for dead bodies to fornicate with when she’s got one at home? They belong together!

UPDATE: Larry’s lawyer says their divorce is postponed for two weeks while they work some shit out. Zombie love forever!

Good News For Zombie Chasers! Larry King Is Single Again!

If you’re a lovely lady who gets a special twitch down below when a man’s zombie peen decorates your decolletage with a moth ball necklace, then today is your lucky day! TMZ reports that 535-year-old Larry King is back on the market after filing for divorce from his seventh wife Shawn Southwick.

In the divorce papers, Larry blames “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why his 13-year marriage croaked into an open pit. Shawn probably couldn’t stand it when Larry came home early in the morning smelling like virgin’s blood and forest soot. And it probably killed her buzz every time his peen broke off inside her vag. I mean, you want to be broke off, but not like that.

Larry King is asking for joint custody. Shawn filed her own papers asking for primary custody of their two kids. Shawn also wants child and spousal support from Larry.

But seriously, now that Larry King is entering the dating world again, somebody should really tell him that he can’t club a lovely lady over the head and drag her back to his cave like in the old days. He has to buy her a cocktail first.

UPDATE: A source tells TMZ that Larry and Shawn had themselves a huge fight this morning, which led to both of them filing for divorce. Apparently, Shawn thinks Larry passed his peen to one of her close relatives! DAMN! The old geezer’s still got it. And by it, I mean a never-ending supply of Viagra. Do you think Larry keeps his suspenders on when he gets down to it?