Panty Creamer Of The Day: Clay Aiken In A Ginger Veronica Lake Wig

I take back what I said about the video of the Twisted Sisters being the 8th color of the rainbow. THIS is the 8th color of the rainbow. Shit, this IS the rainbow and I’m sure every Claymate is tasting that rainbow by licking the screen.

Here’s the number one reason “How do I get dried coochie cream out of mom jeans?” is the most searched question on Google amongst the Claymates this week. Clay Aiken is twirling and spinning and putting ginger-flavored sugar on your eyes in this promo picture for Ogunquit Playhouse’s production of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. That’s not a recycled Sears Portrait Studio background behind clay, those are the stars and crystals that spray out of his ginger flower when he spins and twirls in a rainbow coat. Make whores moist by working that wig and those Joan Crawford brows, Clay.

My credit card is so confused. It doesn’t know if it wants to use itself to buy a plane ticket to Maine to see Clay in this glittery extravagaynza, the Golden Girls dollhouse or Amanda Palmer’s used glass dildo?

via WOW Report

A Romanian Grandma vs. Chris Brown: Who Fell Better?

Above is somebody’s Romanian grandmama straight-up falling out of her good shoes after trying to conquer two tiny steps and losing. Below is everyone’s least favorite long-donged douchehole eating floor with his butt during a show in Indianapolis last night. Watch and compare:

The Chris Brown one is making me HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA until my keyboard goes hoarse. Watching Chris slip and bust his ass feels like two tiny kittens hugging my eyeballs. What a beautiful sight. The only way this could’ve been better is if the falling satellite played the role of Chris Brown’s ass and Chris Brown’s head played the role of the stage floor during a reenactment of this minutes later.

The other video, I refuse to laugh at. I REFUSE! I have been trained to swallow down any laugh crawling up my throat over a granny going BOOM. My abuelita once crashed through a screen door and the first thing she did after adjusting her control-top hose was to check to make sure that not even a sliver of a smile was on my face. So I must not laugh at this Romanian memaw’s hair cape hilariously flying through the air as she does the twist onto the floor. This is a setup and I will not fall for this trick!

That being said, all points go to the Tumbling Romanian Grandma!

via Best Week Ever & TMZ

Giorgio Armani Is Living The Life

File this under: Shit that I’ve learned from the latter years of Kunty Karl, Calvin Klein and Giorgio Armani.

When I’m deep into the “Dinner at 5” phase of my life and want a hot piece of buff man meat to massage waterproof Benjamin Homosexual cream (all the refined socialites refer to it by its full name, dahling) between my wrinkly toes and give me the Heimcock maneuver after I have trouble swallowing my own saliva, I have to somehow sell a million overpriced gowns to a million women first. Sounds easy. Now let me just pull my Sew Easy knitting machine out of my asshole and get on that.

There has be an easier way. I’d do that whole “sell my soul to Lucifer” thing, but my soul went into foreclosure years ago. It ain’t worth shit. Anyway.

Here’s more of the luckiest old bitch alive Giorgio Armani frolicking in Formentera, Spain with a hot piece that I’m sure he’s introducing as “his nephew.” I can’t wait until I’m 77 and can introduce my leased whores as “my nephew.”

And Just Like That, Eminem And Snoop Dogg Have New Names

Alan Simpson, the former senator of Wyoming and a co-chair on The Deficit Reduction Commission, think the children of America are a bunch of rude little shits who wear their caps backawards and listen to way too much Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog. Did Mr. Simpson just call our national’s youth SCAT LOVERS? Mr. Simpson needs to get his mind out of the dirty bedpan! Dude’s got prunes and extra-strength laxatives on the brain.

Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog should really get together with MC Skat Kat to become the new colons of Activia. No wonder Eminem has curbed the rage lately. Bitch finally took a shit.

But the real punchline of this YouTube clip is what they suggest you watch afterward:

Snoopy is in a bad mood, because he’s constipated! Duh. Charlie Brown needs to hook his dog up with the great suppository.

With all that being said, I’d still listen the shit out of Enema Man and Snoopy Snoopy Poop Dog.

via Buzzfeed

Clay Aiken’s Got A New Piece

You know that fake Lucy in the back is like, “And this bitch can get a man but I can’t….” Yes, yes, yes, the Claymates have got themselves a new uncle in Clay Gayken’s maybe boyfriend Jeff Walters. Clay’s flaming ginger crotch bush, which was burnt out after Reed Keely pirouetted out of his life forever, has been reignited by Jeff’s matchstick peen. That’s what Pink is the New Blog is hearing anyway. They say that Clay and Jeff have been flashing their new love all over Texas this past week.

Clay was in the audience to see Jeff play Rocky in a Dallas production of The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and the two went to the Gaylord Texan Ice Show (no comment) a few days later.

Like Reed, Jeff is a dancer and performer who isn’t afraid of flaunting his Gayken tickler in underwear ads like the ones below. So if you want to bag a piece of Texas brisket who knows how to work a pair of obi panties, simply almost win American Idol and then develop a loyal fan base of mom jean wearers who will gladly steal their child’s lunch money to give to you.

Handle Steven Tyler With Care!

At an Aerosmith show in Toronto last night, Steven Tyler, who was dressed like your sexually ambiguous crazy old auntie who spends her weekends buying plastic flowers at yard sales, playfully tapped Joe Perry with his hip. Joe returned the love but he put a little too much gas in his hip thrust and Steven’s ass fell into the audience.

Steven did an over-the-top cartoon face as he fell into the crowd, so they probably planned this shit backstage over Metamucil shooters. But still! The last time Steven fell into the audience he broke his hip and ended up slurping up butterscotch pudding in the hospital for weeks! There has to be another way for these old bitches to play with each other without Steven ending up with an IV in his one good vein. Maybe they can rip each other’s Bengay pads off or something!

via TMZ