The Return Of The Gayken

Maybe it has something to do with the entire box of Peeps I just swallowed, but Clay Gayken is actually making me a little weak on the cover for his album. Does this mean I’m a lesbian? Let’s never speak of this again, and blame it on the fact that Clay looks like the gayelle love child of Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon who has a strange fascination with early 90s K.D. Lang. Yeah, let’s go with that. Moving on….

Clay’s new album features covers of “Moon River” and “There’s a Kind of Hush.” This is going to send Claymates over the edge, because even thinking about their savior singing a Herman’s Hermit song gives them palpitations in the crotch. Hearing the actual recording is going to blow their minds…and genitals.

And stop looking at me like that!

via ONTD

Alec Baldwin vs. Mike Walker

Alec Baldwin is adding a new name to his book of arch rivals. Page Six says that Alec is directing his rage at The National Enquirer’s Mike Walker for claiming that he yelled at Tina Fey on the set of 30 Rock. Alec wants it known that the only way he would yell at a Tina Fey is if Mike Walker legally changed his name to Tina Fey. It. Is. Awn.

Alec responded to Mike’s story by calling him a “whore” and a “queen.” Now, any of us would send Alec a thank you basket full of dildos for declaring us the queen of whores, but Mike Walker wasn’t exactly amused. In his column for the Enquirer, Mike brought the bitchiness out and wrote the headline: “Alec Baldwin — Raging Closet HOMOPHOBE!’ Grab your pitchforks and torches, Hollywood — the monster lurks among ye!”

Damn. That Queen Whore means business if he brought “ye” into it.

Alec didn’t miss a beat, and he shot back with, “Yes, he [Walker] is a goat-footed, wheezy, old queen, and all my male lovers agree with me.”

That was way harsh. This goat-footed queen is offended:

After Alec called Mike a goat whore queen (or something), Mike lifted his queeny hooves and slapped him back with this: “Just for the record: I am not gay, as my wife will attest. Right honey? . . . HONEY?? Hey Alec: Stay tuned.”

A few years ago, I witnessed a fight at some dusty gay bar between two old queens. They were brawling over a young Asian twink. There was more slapping and biting than a Tiger Woods text message. This war of words between Alec and Mike is almost better than that. Alec and Mike really need to meet in a dusty gay bar and fight this out like real old queens. Tina Fey can the play the part of the young Asian twink.

What In The Anti-Prohibition Granny Hell?

If Lindsay Lohan purposely wanted to look like a memawmaw who is suffering from a case of swole face because she got attacked by a rabies-infested bat while riding in a stage coach funeral procession, then she has succeeded!

But I have a feeling LiLo’s only dressed like “Mr. Magoo at a Stevie Nicks costume party,” because when Courtney Love looks like this she gets a few more extra coins in her Styrofoam cup from concerned passersby. And well, LiLo wants to get in on the action. She’s gotta find a way to keep milk on the table until that E-trade money comes pouring in.

Hugh Hefner And His Twin Hos Broke Up

Since screaming toddlers can test an old man’s nerve for only so long, Hugh Hefner has moved his twin girlfriends, Kristina and Karissa, out of the Playboy mansion and into a nearby nursery. Actually, Hef tells E!’s Marc Malkin that the decision was mutual to demote KK from his main colostomy bag changers to lawn decorations.

Hef took a hit of oxygen and explained why they are living in the Playmate house now, “They’ve been hanging out with a lot of the other Playmates, and they see these girls traveling across the country to do promotion. They would like to be doing that, too. They will now be friends, but they won’t be defined as the girlfriends.”

But don’t you worry, Hef’s other girlfriend Crystal is staying by his side so there will be someone to mush his Fosamax pill into a bowl of pureed sweet potatoes and to tell him what Charlie Rose is saying when his hearing aid goes out.

White Oprah Has Such A Giving Soul

While Oprah was banging wish bones with Gayle King, and St. Angie supervised Maddox’s crank calls to Obama, White Oprah was feeding the world with one scoop of microwaved vegetables at a time! And she did it from the middle of her heart. I would say from the “bottom,” but I think that part is already occupied by piles of Adderrall and fake tan dust.

At a pre-Thanksgiving luncheon in Port Washington, NY yesterday, White Oprah and her family shoveled deconstructed Hungry Man meals onto the plates of needy people living with Autism. Afterwards they played a fun game of “Are You Smarter Than A Lohan?,” and everyone came out a winner. Everyone except the Lohans.

Here’s more of future Nobel Peace Prize winner White Oprah with Ali Lohan (who is obviously in the final stages of menopause), some post-op who just got hit in the head with an anvil and the always-lovable Nana Lohan.

Turtle Meltdown!

Kimora Lee’s former leathery wallet, Russell Simmons, apparently had himself a cunt party for one at Charlotte Ronson’s fashion show last night.

A witness tells Radar that when Russell got there, he immediately thought they gave away his seat, so he flipped a switch. The witness went on to say, “He thought his seat was given away and lost it on some poor staffer on the runway moments away from the show’s start.” Russell immediately pulled some “let me speak to your supervisor” shit. I love pulling that card whenever the telephone company refuses to refund all those calls to fuck lines I didn’t make…while sober.

When the head bitch of seating came out to talk to Russell, he continued to act like an old fool. Russell was told to calm down and he shot back with, “I’m a calm person!” They were finally able to make Russell happy by moving two people in the front row.

Everyone knows that Russell’s seat needs to be covered with dried grass and a plate full of wet lettuce should be available for him to chew on. Charlotte Ronson probably didn’t provide this, so of course Russell’s ass lips got twisted.

And I doubt Russell caused a big scene. I mean, there’s nothing threatening about a 300-year-old turtle without his shell on.