Megan Fox Is Knocked Up Again, But Who Is The Daddy???!!!?

When Megan Fox strutted out onto the stage at CinemaCon in Las Vegas last night to promote that dried-up piece of reptile shit Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds #2: Ruining Your Childhood Yet Again, many people’s brains spit up a “HUH?” No, they weren’t huh-ing over her face looking more and more like a rubber Michael Jackson mask that was accidentally thrown into the dryer. They were huh-ing over her baby growing area looking like a baby is growing in there. Now, whenever I go to Las Vegas, I end up with a Megan Fox bump after using my day pass at the Luxor buffet for the 4th time. But Megan is definitely growing another Fox baby in there.

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Megan Fox Has Filed Papers To Legally Quit Brian Austin Green’s Ass

Megan Fox, seen above in the olden days of 2006 when she was still wearing her (mostly) original face, is 100% done with Brian Austin Green and today she filed papers to permanently end their 5-year marriage. Sadness IS knowing that David Silver will no longer serenade Megan every night with an acoustic version of his hit song, “Be My Love.” Oh well, Megan and David Silver’s love may have died, but we’ll forever have that picture of her grabbing onto his remote control dick. They can’t take that away from us.

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Megan Fox And Brian Austin Green Are Over

Damn, that body language! If those two could be any farther apart, they’d need a fish eye lens to shoot them.

So it looks like the Summer of the Split has claimed another set of victims. UsWeekly is saying that Megan Fox has thrown her five year marriage to Brian Austin Green in the “Do not want” pile alongside her old face and that Marilyn Monroe tattoo. An “insider” (that gossipy bitch Donatello, no doubt) tells UsWeekly that Megan walked away from David Silver six months ago and they’re officially separated. Megan and Brian have been a thing for 11 years and share two kids together, 2-year-old Noah and 18-month-old Bodhi.

UsWeekly says they’re still not sure why Megan and BAG are calling it quits, but that sources have told them that shit has “been rocky.” I think that’s code for Megan scrolling through her husband’s cellphone and finding Facebook friend requests from that clingy clinger Donna Martin. Or maybe those blind items were right, and he was slipping his trouser BAG (I don’t know what that means either) to random side-pieces.

But one thing is for sure: now that Megan is semi-single again, there’s a very good chance the first suitor to come a-callin’ will be Shia LaBeouf. If I were Megan, I’d start warning my neighbors now to invest in a good set of earplugs, because it’s only a matter of time before they’re woken up at 3am by the sound of Shia holding an on-fire boombox over his head and screaming “JUST DO IT!!!! JUST DATE ME AGAIN!!!!”

Pic: Splash

Megan Fox Is Tired Of Being A Working Mom

I was going to say that Megan Fox is GOOP-ing at the mouth, but then I remembered that Megan Fox has been making our brain cells curl by spewing out cold, stupid bullshit for years. So if anything, Goopy Paltrow is FOX-ing at the mouth. Glad we could clear that up.

So, Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green recently paid $3.35 million for Bing Crosby’s carriage house in Toluca Lake, CA and that money came from all the millions upon millions of dollar she makes for lazily saying pre-written lines in front of a camera and giving off the emotion of a discarded, drenched flip flop lying in a gutter during a rainstorm. But Megan tells Parents Magazine that she’s really not into getting overpaid for a job she’s shitty at anymore. Megan would much rather be at her home with her son, but since David Silver’s Beverly Hills 90210 and Kickboxer 2 residual checks aren’t paying the bills, she has to “work” for her kid’s future. It’s really, really hard for the frozen mannequin since her heart isn’t in her work anymore. I know, Megan Fox’s heart isn’t in acting? We all thought Megan Fox was so into acting that she’d rip her own throat out with her nails if someone told her she could no longer recite the words of Shakespeare on the stage again. Megan Fox really fooled us (and Mickey Rourke). She really is the greatest actress of our time.

Here’s Megan woe-ing about working 3 weeks a year:

The main thing it does is it affects how much I’m willing to work. I’ve never been an extraordinarily ambitious girl or career-oriented, but especially once I got pregnant with my first son and now [having] my second, it’s so hard to be a working mom especially when your heart is not in your work, when your heart is with your family. I have to make one movie a year because I have to invest in their future and I have to be able to pay their way through college and be able to provide for them. I’m looking for movies that will shoot in Los Angeles, for projects where I’m part of an ensemble so I can shoot in and out in 10-20 days. It’s all about trying to spend as little time away from my kids as possible.

My single working mother feels Megan Fox. She wanted to work only a week or two a year and spend the rest of the time with us. But then she thought about it and realized that “cuddling under a freeway overpass to stay warm, “diving in Jack In The Box dumpsters for breakfast,” and “knife fighting hobos for a half-eaten burrito” isn’t exactly the best kind of mother/children bonding.

And I bet when Megan told David Silver that she wants to stay at home with their sons and wants to cut back on work, he dropped the video game controller for the first time that day, put his fingers in his ears and shouted, “I’m not listening! Lalalalalalalalalalala!“

So I Guess Megan Fox And Brian Austin Green Are Huge Point Break And Mel Gibson Fans

Plastic Lucky Cat in a brown wig Megan Fox gave birth to hers and Brian Austin Green’s second kid together on February 12 and they didn’t immediately run through the streets screaming the name of their newborn child, because they are selfish bitches who only think of themselves! I figured that Megan would name her second son Einstein after who she was reincarnated from. But after that baby was pulled out of her body, Megan and BAG lit up a joint and as they were clicking through the channels on TV, they stopped at Point Break and thought, “Fuck it, let’s name him after Patrick Swayze’s character.” Then they kept clicking through and landed on that Mel Gibson and Renee Russo movie and thought, “Fuck it, let’s give him Ransom as a middle name.”  They named him Bodhi Ransom Green. 

TMZ got a hold of the birth certificate which has their kid’s full name listed as Bodhi Ransom Green. Megan and BAG named their first kid Noah, so they decided to go full fuckery with the second one. Bodhi I sort of get, because Teresa Palmer just named her kid Bodhi, so naming your kid Bodhi is really IN right now in Hollywood or whatever. But Ransom? How is it a good idea for two celebrities (these two are still considered celebrity-ish-ish, right?) to give their kid the middle name Ransom? The New York Post headlines write themselves. Ransom Held For Ransom. I swear…

Bodhi Ransom sounds like the name of an old-timey Buddhist robber who steals from the rich and gives to the monks. Bodhi Ransom also sounds like the name of the title character in a Disney movie about a snowboarding dog who unwittingly joins the Winter Olympics US team and wins all the gold medals.

It’s not like these two are doing anything. That had days upon days to come up with a name. They had one job to do. BODHI RANSOM?!

Megan Fox Had That Baby I Forgot She Was Pregnant With

If you’re having a hard time finding Botox in the L.A. area, you now know the reason why. Megan Fox recently birthed out her second child, so her Pillow People face and the Botox needle have reunited and they will not leave each other’s side for a while. I know it’s my job (Ha, I just called this job) to know which celebwhores, from A to Zzz-list, have a case of the BABIES!!!, but the memory of the greatest philosopher of our time being knocked up with a baby silver fox must’ve been deleted from my brain, because I totally forgot until I read the news last night. Too Fab says that the third spawn of David Silver has arrived, but that’s the only detail they’ve got.

This is the second boy for the couple, who welcomed son Noah in September 2012, and the third son for Green — who also has 11-year-old Kassius with ex Vanessa Marcil.

No other details about the baby were immediately made available.

How rude and selfish of Megan and Brian Austin Green to leak the news of their baby being born to Too Fab without even hinting at what that kid’s name is. That’s really the only thing anybody cares about. We can figure this out. Megan and BAG named their first son Noah, because their souls get the tingles for Jesus and a crucifix hangs right next to her cover of Maxim. So they’ll either give him another bible name (fingers crossed for James the Just or Maher-shalal-hash-baz) or she’ll name him Fillers after her favorite spiritual pick-me-and-my-face-up.

And Megan got knocked up six seconds after giving birth to her first kid, so they probably haven’t gotten around to naming their second one, because his wet burrito peen (it wouldn’t be a BAG post without linking to that picture) is busy boning a third baby into her.