Category: Bill Cosby
Bill Cosby Admitted In A 2005 Deposition To Buying Quaaludes To “Use” On Young Women
In 2005, Bill Cosby had to testify under oath after Andrea Constand, a former Temple University employee, sued him and accused him of doing what more than half of the planet has accused him of. Andrea accused the mound of bloated smugness and melted Pudding Pops of drugging and assaulting her in 2004 at his mansion in Philadelphia. During his testimony, Cosby admitted to buying Quaaludes with the intent to give them to women he wanted to have “sex” with. Cosby also admitted to giving Andrea three and a half Benadryl pills because she told him she was stressed out. Andrea’s lawyer at the time, Dolores M. Troiani, threw a side-eye and four squints at that. Dolores said that she believes Cosby gave Andrea something much stronger than Benadryl.
Bill Cosby Talked About Those Sexual Assault Allegations To ABC News, And It Was A Mess
Oh, Bill Cosby “spoke out” alright; he spoke out, in, up, down, backwards, forwards, and sideways. He was the great glass elevator of talking, and all directions lead to NO. Bill Cosby recently spoke to ABC News about those sexual assault allegations that will not go away, no matter how many times he tries to Swiffer sweeper that shit under the rug. I don’t know if he was sucking back a couple fermented pudding pops in the green room before the interview or just doing an impression of a dude who should probably stop talking, but it was a mess.
Chelsea Handler Says Bill Cosby Tried To “Cosby” Her
You know, six months ago we’d all be like “Cosby her? What the hell does ‘Cosby her’ mean? Like, he tried to give her a JELL-O Pudding Pop?”
Professional drunk aunt Chelsea Handler and RSILF (Ron Swanson I’d like to, well – you know) Nick Offerman were double-interviewed for Esquire’s Women & Men issue this month about sex and stuff, and at some point the conversation turned to Bill Cosby. Nick had made a joking reference to being “Cosbyed”, which – thanks to Hannibal Buress – we now know has nothing to do with frozen pudding, and that’s when Chelsea decided to tell a story about the time Bill Cosby allegedly tried to “Cosby” her.
Hannibal Buress Jokes That He’s Still Getting Daily Death Threats From Bill Cosby Fans
Last year, Hannibal Buress went from a sort-of famous guy who plays the cute dentist Ilana sometimes bangs on Broad City to a very famous guy by reminding everyone during a stand-up set that Bill Cosby had a history of allegedly slipping drugs into his date’s drinks and that he was a generally pretty gross dude. But during an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, Hannibal Buress joked that dragging up America’s Dad’s shady past has gotten him a bunch of Facebook death threats. And since it’s on Facebook, naturally there’s a chance you might have a friend in common:
“The weirdest thing about getting a death threat from a male body builder-slash-stripper on Facebook is when you click on his profile and see that you have one mutual friend, and then having to hit your friend up and say, ‘Hey man, can you tell your buddy to stop saying he’s going to murder me?'”
First of all, I want to see a picture of this male body builder-slash-stripper. Second, Hannibal Buress didn’t invent the Bill Cosby rumors, he just talked about them, so threatening to murder him is literally the definition of “Don’t shoot the messenger”. If anything, that body builder-slash-stripper should be threatening to murder wherever Hannibal got his information (look out, Personal life section of Bill Cosby’s Wikipedia page).
He also talked about how anxious he got telling a joke about Martha Stewart’s vagina at Justin Bieber’s Comedy Central roast. I think that might have just sold me on watching Justin Bieber’s Comedy Central roast, to be honest.
And if you want to know what Hannibal Buress looked like while he was telling said jokes about Martha Stewart’s heirloom snatch, here he is arriving to Justin Bieber’s Comedy Central roast last Saturday:
Pics: Splash/INF
Bill Cosby Made A Weird Video For His Fans
That screen shot looks like a scene from the worst 1-900 chat line commercial that only airs in HELL.
Ever since woman after woman publicly came forward to claim that Bill Cosby drugged or drugged and raped her, his PR team has been a wreck and has shown other PR teams how not to handle a situation like this. They kept with their strategy of “Let’s just do everything wrong” by letting Bill Cosby shoot a video message to his fans where he blankly stares at nothing during a fake phone conversation while wearing silk pajamas. Nope, nothing creepy about that.
In a short video that his people gave to Good Morning America, Bill tells an imaginary person on the other end of the phone that he’s doing a show in Wheeling, West Virginia. This whole video is a solid NO from his Hugh Hefner-like silk pajamas to that phone, which may or may not be the same phone that he was talking on when Janice Dickinson took a picture of him.
That shit is so awkward and creepy that after watching it, I grabbed the drink that was next to me, threw it out and got a new one in a fresh cup. Bill’s publicist also attached a little note to the video that was sent out:
Dear Fans: I hope you enjoy my wonderful video message that’s filled with laughter. Hey, hey, hey, I’m far from finished.
Bill Cosby’s publicists are seriously staying clueless, because they haven’t yet told him that maybe it’s time to retire that “far from finished” line since nobody who has been accused of raping dozens of women should say that.
Eddie Murphy Said No To Playing Bill Cosby In A SNL Sketch
And this is coming from someone who said yes to playing Rasputia in Norbit, so that’s saying something. According to Norm Macdonald (via The A.V. Club), Eddie Murphy was supposed to have a much bigger part in the Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary show last Sunday. What we got was Chris Rock introducing Eddie Murphy, who walked out on stage, waited for the applause to die down before doing a little ‘thanks everyone’ and signalling that it was time to cut to commercial. What we were supposed to get was a Celebrity Jeopardy sketch with Eddie Murphy playing America’s alleged drink-drugging dad Bill Cosby.
In case you didn’t see it, “Bill Cosby” made an appearance during a video daily double (it happens around the 7:48 mark). He’s played by Kenan Thompson, but according to an insanely long essay written by Norm Macdonald on Twitter, he was supposed to be played by Eddie Murphy.
Norm says it all started because Eddie skipped the SNL 25th anniversary. David Spade had apparently once made a joke about him on Weekend Update, and that hurt his feelings, so he swore he’d never go back. However, either time healed his wounds or Lorne Michaels backed a giant truck full of money into his driveway, because he decided to return for the 40th anniversary. That’s when they thought it would be a great idea to write him into the Celebrity Jeopardy sketch as Bill Cosby. The Twitter story is long, so it’s after the cut.