Happy Mother’s Day, Motherfuckers!

Whenever my abuelita would lie down for a nap, she’d tell my ass to never EVER wake her up or else. The “or else” meant that I’d be spitting up gold-plated flakes for the rest of the day due to her slapping me in the mouth with a hand full of gold rings. Well one day I was playing on the rocking chair in her room (yes, I’ve always been simple) as she was taking a nap and I watched as she came dangerously close to sliding off the bed. She would snore, then slide a bit, snore then slide a bit… I couldn’t do shit but pray to her hologram Jesus portrait that she wouldn’t hit the floor. This is basically how I felt before watching Betty White on SNL last night.

Every single person on the Internet got on their knees and begged Lorne Michaels to shine the spotlight on Betty, so there was a lot riding on that shit. And Betty didn’t disappoint. She spread her magic and showed all of those hos how it’s really done. Betty must have been freebasing Red Bull in the back, because she was in almost every single skit, proving that she still has the stamina of hyperactive toddler on three kinds of speed. Betty is the real shit. The only way this episode could’ve been better is if Angel Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan and Angel Estelle Getty rode in on a giant cheesecake to rap with Betty and Jay-Z.

If you haven’t seen the episode yet, there’s a few clips after the jump including some skits that were cut from the live show. Basically, most of the skits feature Betty saying filthy things, but dirty talk is my first language so I was all about it. JUMP!!!

Betty’s opening monologue of perfection:

Betty serving up her cherry-less dusty muffin on Delicious Dish:

Betty begging everyone to let Gingey stay home and lez:

Betty as Debbie Downer’s downy (not like that) memaw:

Betty on Bronx Beat:

Betty’s metalhead Motherfuckers’ Day remix of “Thank You For Being A Friend” won’t embed, so click here to see it. Eat that, Juggalos.

You can see the rest of the clips here. Last night’s episode was the highest rated SNL since November ’08. The people know their shit! Well, they know they love hearing Betty say “The Wizard of Ass” and “You’re barking up the wrong lez.” Viva La White!

Betty White Meets A Crazy Bitch

Remember when international treasure and animal activist Betty White called Sarah Palin a “crazy bitch” on Craig Ferguson a couple of years ago? Well, Betty White and Sarah Palin came face-to-boobs at Time’s Most Influential People Gala in NYC last night. They laughed about how they both made their outfits from bedspreads bought at a bordello fire sale. Then they laughed some more about how Sarah mistakenly shot Betty’s dog in the leg in Central Park earlier in the day. The laughs!

You know, I’m sure Betty didn’t even know who she was talking to. Betty was probably crunked as all fuck from doing Metamucil and Henny shots in the limo. Smoking that fat blunt laced with Geritol didn’t help either.

Get It, Betty White

Well, this is one way of trying to kill the rumor that you’re fucking on your step-granddaughter. Betty White and Morgan Freeman were caught kissing on each other at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner on Saturday night. If you think this is sexy, you should see where their hands are. It’s a good thing Betty always keeps a bottle of Cheesecake-flavored lube and a string of Werther’s Original anal beads in her purse. Get a room (at the nearest retirement community), you horny sluts!

via SOW

Wherefore Art Thou, Rojo? (UPDATE: Rojo Was There!)

When I first read Cynthia Nixon’s name on the list of celebrities attending the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, I immediately rubbed a layer of SPF 10 million over my eyes to prepare them for the vision of the glorious Rojo Caliente in a custom made white tuxedo from the GOD collection at Men’s Warehouse. Well, I nearly blinded myself for no reason, because it doesn’t look like Rojo Caliente was even there. Oh, Rojo continues to elude me like proper grammar.

Doesn’t Rojo know that Obama only agreed to show up because he wanted to witness her beauty for himself? Sigh. Even though Rojo was not there to dazzle Obama’s soul, he still managed to perform. Here he is throwing ZINGS and SNAPS left and fucking right:

UPDATE: Forget everything I said above, because Rojo Caliente was there. AND HOW!

Doesn’t Rojo look sharp as all fuck? Rojo looks like she’s about to tap dance off walls and shit! How is that frosty beverage she’s holding not bubbling over? It’s the luckiest glass in the world. I’ve never wanted to spoon with a glass until now.

And here’s some celebrities who were invited to last night’s dinner for whatever reason. Don’t ask me how some (Michelle Obama and Betty White not included) of these hos got an invitation. Most of them don’t even belong at the White Castle Correspondents’ Dinner let alone the White House Correspondents’ Dinner.

In order: a future People Magazine “I’m a lesbian” cover fetus, some drag queen, Jessica Simpson with Gabourey Sidibe, Patricia Arquette (looking dreadful) with Wendie Malick (ditto) , the Jonas Brothers, Donatella Versace, ScarJo with her twin brother, the Tasmanian Devil, MiserAlba with her husband, BETTY WHITE and Michelle Obama.

Betty White’s SNL Promo!

Above is a short promo for Betty White’s big Saturday Night Live debut in a couple of weeks. Now, whoever is calling Betty a “cougar” on the internet needs to eat their fingers off! Betty is no cougar. Betty White shits on cougars. I’m sure there’s a video on X-Tube about this if you don’t believe me.

Since we’re on the subject of SNL, here’s my favorite moment from last night starring Gabourey Sidibe and Andy Samberg. It probably tickled me the right way, because I was under the influence of frizzante and two McDonald’s apple pies.

And that’s what it looks like when a Jonas Brother loses his virginity. A Jonas cherry totally has a voice like a baby unicorn.

Don’t You Even Think About It

Sit on your hands before you get the urge to put these pictures into Photoshop so that you can replace Betty White’s nekkid ass nekkid hot dog with all kinds of props from the gutter. I know how your dirty filthy not-right ass works (I’m projecting here). Betty is the internet’s memawmaw and we cannot disrespect her! Now that I think about it, it would be disrespectful to NOT Photoshop dirtiness (e.g. Blanche’s favorite double-sided dildo, Dorothy’s big toe, a penis-shaped cheesecake, etc….) over that hot dog, so have at it. It’s what Betty wants!

Anyways, here’s Betty getting mean on a naked hot dog at the opening of Pink’s at Universal Citywalk yesterday. The second thumbnail perfectly illustrates how I feel most days. I’m jealous of the bitch who got shanked by Betty after that picture was taken.