CZJ Has Checked Into A Mental Hospital

I went with this picture, because Catherine Zeta Jones could really use a Michael Douglas photobomb right about now. It is a known natural healer.

A rep for CZJ tells People that she suffers from bipolar disorder and made the decision to check into a mental hospital when the stress of dealing with her husband’s illness was too much for her to handle on her own. The rep said this:

“After dealing with the stress of the past year, Catherine made the decision to check in to a mental health facility for a brief stay to treat her bipolar II disorder. She’s feeling great and looking forward to starting work this week on her two upcoming films.”

CZJ has definitely been through some shit from MD’s cancer treatment to her stepson getting arrested for dealing with the bad shit to almost get knocked out by a pap (that’s a stretch, I know), so it’s a good thing she’s decided to sit still for a minute before she rips off a baby squirrel’s head with her bare teeth. Get better, CZJ, so you can get back to scaring us at the Tonys!

Bai Ling Is Checking Into Celebrity Rehab

The intergalactic space fly that flew out of a crater cocoon on the moon and took over a young Chinese woman’s body by burrowing into her brain will bring her screeching alien act to the new season of Celebrity (?) Rehab (?). I was always told that Bai Ling is just naturally fucked up, but I guess some kind of wrong stuff is pulling at her strings. Bai could be addicted to snorting fireflies or chanting original haikus until she blacks out for all I know. The only thing that matters is that she’s going to be on basic cable!

Dr. Drew better get a copy of Bailinganese Rosetta Stone and brush up on her language, because Bai can make you say “HUH?” in three words or less.

VH1 hasn’t officially officially announced the cast, but TMZ got a hold of the list and they say Bai is on it. They also say that the DC Heid & Spencer, Tareq and Michaele Salahi from The Real Housewives of DC, are in the cast along with Dwight Gooden, Hobie from Baywatch and Michael Lohan.

Yes, Michael “I am so sober that I can give advice on how to be sober to people who want to be sober” Lohan is going into Dr. Drew’s look at me clinic for fame whores. We already know that Michael is a wontshutthefuckup-holic and the only cure for that is for him to finally shut the fuck up. Can’t Dr. Drew spare us by giving Michael a check if he promises to stick his turtle head back into his mesh shirt and shut up for good? I really hope Bai Ling uses her razor sharp nipples to cut Michael’s stupid cell phone holder off of his waistband.

Michael Douglas Defends CZJ’s Honor

How does one greet the new Commander of the Order of the British Empire (whatever that is)? Do you get on the ground and salute with your nalgas ala Entrapment? Do you graciously bow down while saying under your breath, “The pleasure is mine, me lady…who isn’t a minute over 41 and has never lied about her born year…”? Do you throw her a rose made of Botox vials? One thing I know you don’t do is punch her in the face. And that’s exactly what a paparazzo allegedly did to CJZ as she arrived at her hotel in London after being named the CBE.

In the video above from Entertainment Tonight, CZJ and Michael Douglas walk through a storm of camera flashes and once she gets to the front door of her hotel, she starts hollerin’ out, “HE PUNCHED ME! HE PUNCHED ME! I WANT THE POLICE!” Who needs the bobbies when you’ve got Gordon Fucking Gecko?

If Michael Douglas was a band, his name would be Frail No More (GONG me and I’ll call the bobbies), because he threw himself into the army of paps and puffed his nipples at the mofo who dropped a dose of disrespect on his wife.

The police were never called and CZJ’s rep only said, “You saw it for yourself.” But we really doesn’t… You never actually see a pap’s fist go into her face, but I’m going to choose to believe her. CZJ would never tell a lie (cut to her birth certificate laughing). I mean, who do we believe? A pap or THIS WOMAN:

Right? A glamour puss in a gold lamé catsuit deserves everyone’s respect and trust!

Which One Is The Cardboard Cutout?

Never mind that Justin Bieber stole his 3D glasses from a candy raver circa 1997, it’s a little bizarre that his magical locks made from the dreams of solid gold unicorns look positively bland next to St. Angie Jolie’s high halo. Yes, that’s a halo (or maybe Brad Pitt is crouching behind her with a spotlight held over his head). Angie is probably so confused when she posed for this picture at the Golden Globes. She doesn’t know whether she wants to adopt him or date him.

Eat your vag out, Jenny Shimizu, because it looks like Angie’s got a new lezzie of choice!

And meeting Bieber wasn’t the only magical event Angie took part in that night. There was also this:

Leave it to Michael Douglas to part the emerald sea with his photobomb. Catherine Zeta-Jones and Angie are trying to out-beauty one another, but little do they know that Michael Douglas took this one.

Doody (And Smoke) Break!

You know Catherine Zeta-Jones needed to give fellatio to a cigarette something bad, because she told her full-time dog shit handler that she’s got this and she took her Figaro out for a caca party at Central Park yesterday afternoon. I mean, fancy ass CZJ picking up dog shit?! That’s like learning Joan Collins bathes in tap water instead of liquefied diamonds.

I highly doubt CZJ even flushes the toilet herself! When she’s doing what she needs to do, her white glove-wearing servants hum an aria (“I don’t want to hear the plops!” – CJZ) while spritzing the room with gardenia-scented water. After she clears her throat signaling that the lady is done, they gently pick her up, carry her to the bidet and synchronize their singing voices with the powerful streams of water cleaning her ass. Just like the Bellagio! A Bellagio bidet! Then a maid scurries in and pats CZJ’s SHUSH parts with a cashmere towel while keeping her eyes up! Yes, I’ve thought about this in detail. My jar is already filled to the top with “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” comments, so you’re going to need to get another one from the recycle bin to drop your two cents in.

Yes, Michael Douglas is currently undergoing treatment for throat cancer, so feel free to throw a judgmental glare at CZJ. I’m throwing my own, but not for the cig. I’m throwing it for those ugly ass shoes. If CZJ insists on watching her dog drop one, she could at least do it with some glamour!

Michael At His Premiere

Michael Douglas is in the middle of undergoing treatment for froat cancer, but he still managed to put on a button down shirt and pull CZJ out of her Botox chamber to attend the Wall Street 2: Money’s Got Insomnia premiere in NYC last night. Now I have no reason to bitch and moan about how suits make my pores itch, my bones ache and my nipples hyperventilate (but they really do).

Joining Michael at his premiere last night were his co-stars Shia LaDouche, Josh Brolin, Susan Sarandon, Carey Mulligan and director Oliver Stone. Shia talked to UsWeekly about working Michael, “He is a wolf, and he is a strong man. And I know of his vulnerabilities. When he came to set … he was dealing with a lot, but never was it, ‘Woe is me.’ Ever. They’re going to remember him forever. You can’t say that about a lot of people. He’s an American institution. It’s intimidating and incredible and exhilarating and rewarding.” And then Shia asked the reporter to pull his finger.

Michael didn’t talk to any reporters on the red carpet, obviously. Not even a wave, but that’s okay because Shy-Shy has enough “Hiyeeees” for everyone:

Here’s more pictures of the cast last night. Oh, and Ty Ty Banks was there, because she wanted to talk about how it was like for her when she was an investment banker during the recession.