The Look Of The Night Goes To….

Before Catherine Zeta-Jones scared the children by working the Oscar stage like a wigged, horny banshee on the loose during “All That Jazz,” she put dozens of hos to shame when she sashayed down the red carpet like RuPaul, Michelle Visage and Santino Rice were sitting at a table in front of her. CZJ looked like Miss Philippines in the final round of Miss Transgender Universe 2013 and I’m pretty sure her dress was made out of the gold parts from a dozen Wonder Woman costumes.

After Michael Douglas and CZJ talked to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, that Frogger-looking motherfucker with Sears Portrait Studio hair snubbed her ass. Oh that was just Seacrest’s jealousy showing, because he’s just mad that CZJ can steal all of his men with just the wink of an eye. I don’t even care that CZJ’s face is completely brand new, she was still the epitome of drag eleganza last night.

And my other favorite looks of the night came from Charlize Theron and Jane Fonda. Unless your name is Shauna Sand, Angelyne or Harald Gloockler, I don’t like calling you perfect, but Charlize Theron looked pretty perfect last night. Charlize must have a birth make shaped like Donald Trump’s head on her inner thigh and one of her nipples must be way fatter than the other, because something has to be wrong with her ass. Also, I just want to get drunk with Jane Fonda and watch her pick up men in the piano bar of a business hotel.

Bai Ling Went Potty

Oh Bai Ling. I feel you, girl. We ALL make that face when we have to enter a Port-A-Potty. It’s why I hold it to the last possible moment. I’d rather an internal organ burst in a piss explosion than go in one of those. And I’m a guy. What do you ladies do? Hover your ass over it? Humans shouldn’t endure such degradation.

Bai’s crazy extraterrestrial ass gifted the world with her holiday hotness at a Christmas tree lot in Hollywood. Spectators were treated to a virtual panorama of sexy Yultetide poses. Every kick of her glitter-encrusted stripper heels brought humanity new shades of emotion for Christmas. Bitch brought you every color from the insanity crayon box:

“Is There Ghost In My Shithouse?”
“I Made Stinky, Yay!”
“I Wonder What I Should Get The Vaccum Cleaner For Christmas?”
“Shoes Hurt.”
“You Will Not Steal The Soul Of My Phone!”

I love this bitch. According to Flame Flynet, her latest movie is one of those direct-to-DVD messes that are bunk-ass replicas of big-budget flicks. Her latest one was called Age Of The Hobbits until the studio (the Kodak desk at Walgreens) got sued. Now it’s called Clash Of The Empires. I hope to Christ that she plays Galadriel. Cate Blanchett hasn’t got shit on this elvish space queen.

Mess Of Ages

If the first Cock of Ages trailer made you heave in your mouth, then the full Rock of Ages trailer will make fully vomit in your mouth. (Tip: Make sure a baby bird and/or Alicia Silverstone’s kid isn’t nearby when you do it.) This mess is like a remake of Burlesque for the Nascar set. I can’t with who ever told Mary J. Blige this was a good move for her. I can’t with all those discount Halloween store wigs. I can’t with them auto-tuning Tommy Girl’s singing voice so much that he sounds like Rosie the Robot queefing into a vocoder. The only thing I’m can-ing at is how TG is whipping his weave and sashaying in 6-inch heels like there’s only one ticket left to the Interior Illusions Lounge and he’s gonna get it.

Bai Ling’s New Song Is Not Of This World

Warning: Pressing play on Bai Ling’s new song called “Rehab” will probably alert our future alien overlords to your whereabouts and when they land on the planet to make us their sex slaves you’ll be the first one who gets shackled and probed.

Second warning: Pressing play on Bai Ling’s new song called “Rehab” will scramble your ear drums and brainwash you into worshiping at the altar of her (NSFW) Hershey kiss cookie nipples.

You know, I’m just going to throw it out there and say that Bai Ling is covering Amy Winehouse and it sounds nothing like the original, because she’s warped it in the sun, rung it through the fuckery ringer and played it backwards. This is seriously WHAT THE FUCK’S theme song. If there was a satanic ritual at a rave involving choked chickens and slaughtered goats, this is probably what it would sound like. That probably explains why a pentagram drawn in donkey’s blood suddenly appeared on my living room wall as soon as I finished listening to this mess.

(Thanks Raluca)

Lauryn Hill Just Keeps Making Babies

That thing, that thing, that thiiii-eeee-iiiiing Lauryn Hill keeps doing is called getting knocked the hell up. Lauryn Hill’s uterus just checked in a sixth visitor and she announced it at her show in Detroit on Saturday. While most of Lauryn’s fans want her to birth out a new album, she said that she’s sliding away from music for a while so that she can devote all her time to training her own version of the Jackson 5 called the Marley 6.

“I’m going to be taking time off to give birth. I keep having these children. I don’t know if I’m the most fertile woman in America.”

Lauryn and her dude Rohan Marley have a 13-year-old son (Zion), a 12-year-old daughter (Selah), a 9-year-old son (Joshua(, a 7-year-old son (John) and a 2-year-old daughter (Sarah). Lauryn isn’t hollerin’ in a recording studio, because she’s too busy hollerin’ on a baby making bed. I’m not mad at Lauryn, but I wish I could say the same thing about her uterus. If you put your ear up to Lauryn’s body, you’d probably hear her uterus singing out, “She’s killing me softly with his cum….”

via Radar

CZJ Talks About Her Bipolar Disorder

Catherine Zeta-Jones recently admitted that she sat still in a mental hospital for a couple of weeks, because she was on the verge of recreating Michael Douglas’ performance in Falling Down. It was then that CZJ’s rep said that she suffers from bipolar II disorder and supporting her husband through his cancer treatment made her emotions splinter a bit. CZJ is out of the hospital and speaking to People about how she hopes she can inspire others to seek help.

“This is a disorder that affects millions of people and I am one of them. If my revelation of having bipolar II has encouraged one person to seek help, then it is worth it. There is no need to suffer silently and there is no shame in seeking help.”

Did you know there’s a Wikipedia page that lists all of the famous people with bipolar disorder and bipolar: the sequel? Jane Pauley?! Cheri Oteri?! Ruby Wax?! Linda Hamilton?! My first thought about this was that CZJ is obviously in good company, but that seems like some inappropriate shit only a clueless asshole would say (which is why I’m basically saying). Besides, it’s not really true since Mel Gibson is on the list too.

CZJ is doing a good thing by talking about her bipolar disorder out in the open like this. However, People is not doing a good thing by forcing her face into a battle against an army of Photoshop tools.

P.S. – The quadruple shot of eyebrow game on this cover gets an A++++.