Alexander Skarsgard And Margot Robbie Might Be Doing It

E! News, UsWeekly, and People are all saying that tall drink of Swedish leche Alexander Skarsgard and fellow hot blond person Margot Robbie might be a thing of sorts. ASkars and Margot shot Tarzan together a little while ago and sources say that at a Sundance party over the weekend, they got close and she looked like she was ready to scream “Aah-eeh-ah-eeh-aaaaaah-eeh-ah-eeh-aaaaah!!!!” as her chocha swings from his crotch branch.

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Bless HBO: This Is The Reason Why Motion Picture Recording Devices Were Invented

TRUE BLOOD SPOILER ALERT: But really, if you haven’t watched last night’s episode, then this is probably a spoiler that your down low parts want to be alerted to.

Bless the genius soul who shouted, “HOT GAY SEX!“, during a meeting when all the other producers and writers asked, “How in the hell are we going to fix this mess of a show?” Hot gay sex is always the answer to every single question. Some True Blood watchers are probably picking dried panty pudding nuggets out of their carpet this morning, because a quick minute into last night’s episode, HBO became the gay Skinemax channel and it was beautiful. Jason Stackhouse (Side note: Jason Stackhouse could totally play a young Dubya in a gay porn parody) had another gay wet dream and his latest one starred Panty Creamer Hall of Famer and giant viking vampire sex god Eric.

If every TV in the world shut down and stopped working, it would be okay, because the greatest scene in the history of television has aired and all the TV people can go home now. Their jobs are done. Someone said on another blog that the scene was completely unnecessary and totally pandering, but they need to be slapped twice across the face with the definition of “unnecessary,” because that Sean Cody with mood lighting scene was completely necessary. Ask all the slobbering v-holes and b-holes out there. There was even a major plot twist. Jason is a top!

Thank you to everyone who took part in creating the camera. Thank you to everyone who took part in creating HBO. Thank you to everyone who took part in creating ASkars. And I even want to thank everyone who took part in creating that cheesy background music. Because together, they created this beautiful, beautiful fanfiction come-to-life scene that is relevant to all of my interests. The only way it could’ve been better is if a naked Alcide busted through the wall and he and Eric spit roasted Jason. I’m sure the writers are saving that for the finale. Keep the pandering coming!

And it would be a perfect season if every episode was full of nothing but Jason’s wet dreams. Correction: It would be a perfect season if one episode showed Soooookeh and Beeeehl dying slow deaths and the rest of the episodes were full of nothing but Jason’s wet dreams.

The only video I found on YT is drowning in music, so it’s best if you watch it on mute with a tub of lube by your side.

Oh, It’s Just A Naked ASkars Sitting On A Toilet In The South Pole

And three seconds later, that tundra of ice and snow melted and ASkars floated along a new ocean on that floating toilet. This is the real global warming.

This picture of Alexander Skarsgard sitting on a square toilet while reading a True Blood script in the South Pole was shat up on Instagram last night and I’ve already printed it, framed it and hung it in front of my own toilet. I’ve hung it right next to the picture of the vampire nordic demi-god lounging naked in the Arctic on the TB season finale.  This beautiful portrait was taken after ASkars and his Walking with the Wounded team made it to the South Pole. I’m guessing that ASkars cleaned his dirty ass by scooting along the snow Toby-style. And even though ASkars is sitting on a toilet and wearing what I thought were super puffy UGGs, I still would. (NO SCAT QUEEN.)

Panty Creamer Of The Day: A Shirtless ASkars In His Old True Blood Wig

I’ve never had the urge to join a cult, because the wardrobe is usually busted, they usually have a curfew, they usually don’t have an open bar, you’re always around people and call me an old-fashioned bitch, but offing myself with dozens of other people is not the way I want to go out. But I’d totally sell all my shit and put on a fugly tracksuit to join a cult where ASkars is the leader and he silently walks around topless with a tattered, used and abused blond wig on his head.

ASkars pulled his season 1 Vampire Eric wig out of storage, quickly shook the dust out of it and slapped it on his head to star in Cut Copy’s video for “Free Your Mind” (which sadly isn’t a cover of the En Vogue song).

Let’s see, a cult where you get to give ASkars a foot bath (dude won’t care if you switch that rag for your tongue or moist fuck parts), play basketball with him and a Santa Claus Jesus, get kissed on the forehead by him while you’re standing in a pool, watch him tame a dog with his mighty (it’s not mighty at all) bark, measure the strength of his piss stream, stare at him while you’re humping another cult member, randomly make out with him in the kitchen and then watch his saggy chonies sway back and forth as he runs away into the darkness. This is my kind of cult!

Goodbye, family and free will. Hello, ugly tracksuit!

Alexander Skarsgård Is The Best Drunken Cheerleader Ever

And today’s panty pudding moment is brought to you by a drunken and doucheified ASkars doing a dude bro cheer for his team Hammarby Fotball at a football match in Sweden recently. This is like a scene out of Braveheart if Braveheart took place in modern day Sweden and the Medieval Scottish soldiers were replaced with drunken football fans and Mel Gibson was replaced with a hot, angry ASkars. Here’s the video and while you’re watching it, I’m going to add “get drunk with ASkars and have him curse at me in Swedish” to my cum bucket list.

It really doesn’t matter what he’s screaming, because he could scream “I LOVE CROCS” and my nipples would still swoon, but if you need to know, here’s a translation from ONTD (via Uproxx):

alex: all of you can go to hell, [some name on S I think] look at me you fucking pussy
random person: look at his magical fucking hairdo
alex: who’s the best team? (and then a couple of more similar questions that I can’t make out)
crowd: hammarby (the name of the team)
alex and crowd: we’re the hottest we’re the best we’re the ones who win the most…hammarby…clapping.

“Look at me, you fucking pussy.” If ASkars ever says that to you, you can pull down your panties, stare at him with your crotch and say that your Swedish is not so good and you thought you heard him say, “Look at me with your fucking pussy.”

But something must’ve gotten lost in translation, because I think that random person is saying, “look at his flaming vampire viking dick,” instead of, “look at his magical fucking hairdo.” But “magical fucking hairdo” really is the greatest compliment you can give anyone.

And let’s not forget the drunken ASkars video to end all drunken ASkars videos:

But What About Ellen Page?!

So much for Alexander Skarsgard being Ellen Page’s long, golden viking beard. ASkars is back in Stockholm, Sweden and yesterday he had lunch with who The Daily Mail calls his girlfriend of a year, Swedish actress Alicia Vikander. Girlfriend a whole entire long year?! I believe it. I am a body language expert and Alicia is obviously crossing her legs, because her coochie has had several tastes of the ASkars lighting rod and if she doesn’t cross her legs, her coochie will jump out from under her skirt and suction itself to his crotch.

And the real winner in this picture is the friend with the baby shark fin hair. He’s telling all of us, “Choke on your jealousy, skanks, because guess who’s a few feet away from the vampire viking dick?”

Pics: Wenn.com