Last year, the husband of a New Jersey housewife went around telling everyone that his marriage was flushed down a rest stop toilet off the turnpike after his wife allegedly creeped out on him with Bruce Springsteen. The Boss and his wife Patti both denied the rumors at the time. But now the husband is coming harder by giving specific details about the affair. Apparently, The Boss has a hongray hard-on for nice asses.

Mortgage broker Arthur Kelly filed for divorce from his wife of 17 years Ann on March 27th. In the documents, Arthur claims that his wife first met Bruce at a NJ gym in 2005. Bruce loved to stand on top of a stack of phone books (bitch is tiny) at the end of the treadmill and watch Ann as she ran. Bruce buttered Ann up by telling her that she had the “nicest ass” in the gym. Cut to a dozen bitches weeping into their sweat towels, because Bruce also told them they had the nicest ass in the gym.

The documents go on to claim that ass talk at the treadmill led to lunches, which eventually led to a 2-year affair. Ann would sometimes bring her daughters to lunch and they got to know The Boss so well that they called him “Bruce.” I guess “Mom’s Whore” was already taken by another dude.

Arthur says that his wife’s relationship with The Boss was even brought up during marriage counseling. Ann finally admitted that shit wasn’t right when one of Arthur’s friends spotted her kissing on The Boss in a parking lot.

Bruce’s rep kept their lips closed about these allegations, but a family friend told The New York Post, “Bruce and Patti continue to have a terrific marriage and are very devoted to each other and their children.”

Arthur Kelly ain’t shit! Not only did he not give up any real proof (aka a dirty tampon found in the parking lot of a Perkin’s or hundreds of sext messages), but because of his bit of information that The Boss loves The Ass I just had to Google “The ButtMaster.”

That little Google adventure took me to (NSFW) a place that I do not want to go to this early in the day. The ButtMaster’s long-grain nipples will tickle my eyelashes in my nightmares tonight. And don’t get me started on The Milk Massage. I can’t. I won’t. And neither will you.

If Chad Kroeger’s over-lubricated hair and Donald Trump’s parched straw nest butt fucked on top of Nicolas Cage’s head and got stuck….it would look just like this.

Nicolas Cage debuted his new Mickey Rourke-like (delivered with a Loki side-eye) weave at WonderCon in San Francisco, CA yesterday. Nicolas told reporters that he dyed his hair “Florida truck stop hooker” blonde for a movie role. No, the movie role is not The Crypt Keeper. It’s for some shit called Drive Angry.

I know Nicolas broker than a Lohan, but he could’ve put down the Sun-In bottle and called up one of my cousins to bleach his hair the right way. They would’ve done a better job using a bottle of Hydrogen Peroxide and a garden hose. This is some Section 8 weave shit.

With his most valuable possessions in tow, Todd Palin finally quit that bitch. – IWannaBeMonicaBellucci

Runners-up:

“I done told ya three times, already, Becky Lee! It was a “One Day Only” sale! If I’da come back home for my pick-up truck, this great stuff woulda been GONE ‘afore I got back!!” – Deb

Well that’s nice. Someone finally felt bad enough for Paris’ dogs to load them up and take them to their final resting place. – NoAnjl

The buck stops here. Forever. – Sweetas

Cheeerist! You try to be nice and let Helen Keller drive and look what happens! – Vern

via FunPic

No, this is not a picture of Vadge first thing in the morning before injecting and slathering her face with the nutsack sweat of a virile virgin. It’s MEDUSA from the original Clash of the Titans!

The 3D shit show remake of Clash of the Titans made gazillions of dollars at the box office this weekend, but I don’t know why anyone would pay to see that mound of CGI diarrhea without the original and ONLY Medusa in it. Yes, I know the original Medusa looks like she was made out of microwaved dildos and the shed scaly skins of Paris Hilton’s labia lips, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of her when I was a kid.

While my dumb ass friends cheered on Perseus to decapitate Medusa, I sat on her side of the bleachers hoping her snake weave would attack his ass. I got the sads when ugly ass Perseus finally chopped her head off. I was sad not only because Medusa was dead, but also because I knew eating tapioca pudding and turkey gravy would never be the same again. Below is Medusa’s big scene. To think, if Persedouche never killed her ass, she probably would’ve gone on to record a really hot disco album.

Paula Cole (42)
Pharrell Williams (37)
Elodie Bouchez (37)
Krista Allen (39)
Thea Gill (40)
Miho Hatori (40)
Mike McCready (44)
Christopher “Kid” Reid (46)
Colin Powell (73)

The Vanilla Gorilla is on the loose! Maybe. A source close to Jesse James tells Star Magazine that he has checked out of sex rehab after only one week. Jesus Christ obviously performed his one Easter miracle by curing VG’s peen of its hunger for the vag.

The source went on to say that VG left Arizona’s Sierra Tucson very recently and is currently hiding out at a friend’s house. The source added, “All of Jesse’s pals have been talking about it. It seems Jesse just isn’t that serious about rehab after all.”

Who knows if this has anything to do with the moving trucks that were spotted outside of Sandra Bullock and VG’s house in Seal Beach, CA.

Apparently, VG only shuffled off to rehab to save his marriage, so maybe he bounced out of there when he realized that Sandra is going divorce his STD-ridden ass anyway. Or maybe VG’s peen dragged him out of there when he was told that he couldn’t….you know….fuck in rehab. That’s a boner breaker.