Category: Leonardo DiCaprio

Johnny Depp Was A Rude Asshole To Leonardo DiCaprio During The Filming Of “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape”

February 8, 2016 / Posted by:

During his acceptance speech for the Maltin Modern Master Award at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival on Thursday, Johnny Depp went into the basement of his memories and dug deep into a water-damaged cardboard box marked 1993 and pulled out a story about working on What’s Eating Gilbert Grape with future Oscar hunter Leonardo DiCaprio.

Johnny, seen above in his Panty-Dampening Hall of Fame years (he’s still there, but he’s since been moved to a dimly-lit wing called “Tragic Endings“) was 30 when he filmed Gilbert Grape, while Leo was only 19. Hanging around a 19-year-old child star who is in the process of transitioning into ~serious~ acting roles sounds like a nightmare and a half. But according to Johnny, it was 30-year-old Johnny Depp who was the obnoxious twat.

“It was a hard time for me, that film, for some reason. I don’t know why. I tortured him. I really did. He was always talking about these videos games, you know? I told you it was kind of a dark period. ‘No, I will not give you a drag of my cigarette while you hide from your mother again, Leo.'”

Now Johnny’s on-set torture is limited to causing bedbug outbreaks and forgetting to rinse with bleach before a kissing scene. I don’t know if that’s an improvement, but I’m going to say yes, since there’s nothing sadistic than a greedy dart hog.

I’m really curious about these video games Little Leo was so obsessed with. I did some research, and I can’t seem to find anything about Nintendo releasing a game called Oscar Quest or Escape to Underwear Model Island, so it must have been Super Mario Bros. or something.

Here’s Johnny Depp at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival last week looking like a vampire in Charlie Sheen cosplay. And who thought it was a good idea to give Johnny a bouquet flowers? Two seconds after he held them up to his mouth, they probably wilted like Mr. Wilson’s flower from Dennis the Menace.

Pics: Paramount, Splash

Leonardo DiCaprio’s Red String Bracelet Isn’t A Kabbalah Bracelet

February 4, 2016 / Posted by:

When Leonardo DiCaprio skipped on stage to collect his pre-Oscar award at the Golden Globes last month, he was upstaged by a tiny red string bracelet on his left wrist. Stringy was kind enough to keep its mouth shut and let Leo perform the acceptance speech he’d been rehearsing to his reflection in the bathroom mirror for two weeks, but it didn’t matter. Stringy made a statement without saying a word, and that statement was: “Remember me from 2006 when half of Hollywood wore Kabbalah bracelets to look all ~spiritual~? I’m back bitches!

Page Six got to the bottom of the mystery (possible Nancy Drew title: The Mystery Of Where Did Leo Find The Time In His Busy Model-Banging Schedule To Get Into Kabballah?) and it turns out it’s not a Kabbalah bracelet. A source says Leo got the red string bracelet while visiting Angkor Wat in Cambodia with his family and bottom bitch Lukas Haas in November. Leo got the bracelet from a monk in return for a donation, and it’s supposed to bring good luck. So don’t be surprised if on Oscar night you see Leo shuffle on to the red carpet wrapped from head to toe in 300 feet of red string.

All jokes aside, Lukas should probably think about tucking an extra yard of string into the pocket of Leo’s tuxedo jacket on Oscar night so he can play Cat’s Cradle, because he’s going to need something to keep his hands busy now that the Dolby Theatre has banned the use of vapes during the ceremony. What will Leo do without his precious vape pen? Maybe he could sneak it in by putting a little dress on it and passing it off as his date. And with Leo’s years-long commitment to dating skinny underwear models, there’s a really good chance that might actually work.

Pics: Splash

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Kate Winslet Admits That, Yeah, Rose Pretty Much Let Jack Drown

February 2, 2016 / Posted by:

One of the greatest drunk debates you’ll ever have about the film Titanic is – spoiler alert – whether or not Rose had enough room on that door to let Jack crawl on. According to James Cameron, Jack couldn’t climb up because the wood isn’t buoyant enough to hold both of them. MythBusters, however, called bullshit on James Cameron and proved that two people could fit on the door and that Rose totally could have scooched over. I know, RUDE.

Well, after nearly twenty years (yes twenty years; did your ass just let out a startled puff of senior colon dust too?), Rose has acknowledged what we all know to be true: that she’s a greedy door hog. During an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live on Monday night, Kate Winslet admitted that the ending of Titanic isn’t nearly as romantic as our dumb knockoff Heart of the Ocean necklace-wearing 13-year-old selves thought.

I like to think Jack has forgiven Rose. I also like to think that 3 seconds after Rose knocked his frozen hands off the door, he was found by a mermaid who turned him into a charming merman. Then he found the Heart of the Ocean necklace, sold it for $1.6 million fish dollars, and now he’s gills-deep in mermaid pussy. Basically, he’s Leonardo DiCaprio’s merman equivalent. Look, it’s all I can do to keep me from dwelling on the fact that a nice guy like Jack got the hump n’ dump from Rose. Actually, he got the ultimate hump n’ dump: she humped him in a car and dumped his ass in the water. That’s cold, Rose!

Pics: 20th Century Fox, Wenn.com

Open Post: Co-Hosted By Leonardo DiCatchAHo And His Vape Pen

January 31, 2016 / Posted by:

Leonardo DiCatchAHo won Best Actor for The Revenant at the Screen Actors Guild Awards last night, and during his SAGs acceptance speech (or as Leo calls it, “The dress rehearsal for my Best Actor OSCUH speech!“) he never once thanked his precious vape pen. Leo brought his vape pen as his date and they shared many intimate moments together, but yet he didn’t thank it once! Leo put his mouth all over it, had a romantic dinner with it and whispered sweet promises into its mouthpiece, but didn’t thank it on stage.  How cold of Leo. That vape pen is the Chad Lowe of 2016.

During last night’s SAGs, Leo sat back and vaped, and of course it lit up Twitter and became a meme for a minute (but in the future isn’t EVERYTHING going to be a meme for a minute). You know, some vape-hater once told me that vapes and e-cigarettes still causes plenty of air pollution and now I know for sure that’s not sure. Because the saint of the environment Leonardo DiCaprio would never do anything to fuck up the environment more.

And because you’re probably wondering, yes, I’ve already put that picture in Photoshop and replaced that vape with a peen in every shape, color and size.

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty

I Didn’t Know That God Is An Oscar Voter

January 28, 2016 / Posted by:

Fresh off from shoveling snow off of the driveways of Oscar voters in the Northeast (he didn’t do that, I think) and personally delivering 200,000 bottles of water with “Vote 4 Leo” on the label to Flint, Michigan (he didn’t do that either, I think), Leonardo DiCatchAHo took his ass to the Vatican to meet up with the ~cool~ Pope. Pope Franny is probably thinking to himself, “Bless this thirsty trick’s heart…” And Leo is probably resisting the urge to motorboat that big, white chichi on the Pope’s head.

Leo is really making sure that when he wins the Oscar next month, he can say, “Thanks, God,” and mean it. Leo had a quick kiki with God’s Catholic ambassador inside of the Apostolic Palace at the Vatican today and I’m sure he asked the pope to pray for him to win that Oscar, but ABC News says he was mostly there to talk about climate change. Before they got into that, Leo gave Pope Fran Fran a book of works by the 15th-century Dutch painter Hieronymus Bosch. Leo told the Pope that a copy of Bosch’s “Garden of Earthly Delights” hung over his crib as a baby (File that under: Things that explain everything).

Leo used that painting to move into the topic of the environment. Leo is slick:

DiCaprio said he thought the painting also represented Francis’ environmental concerns.

Francis’ encyclical Laudato Si (Praise Be) has been embraced by environmentalists for its denunciation of the world’s fossil fuel-based economy and its demand for greener energy sources.

An assistant then handed Francis an envelope and explained it was a check for the pope to use for charity works “close to your heart.”

Di Caprio, nominated for an Oscar for his role in “The Revenant,” is a longtime environmental campaigner who in 1998 launched his Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation to support initiatives aimed at sustainability.

I can hear some of you cynical whores saying that you bet Leo traveled to Vatican City in a private jet, a helicopter and a Hummer, but think again. Sources tell me that Leonardo traveled from New York to Italy on the back of a whale and he got to the Vatican by taking a piggyback ride on Lukas Haas, thankyouverymuch!

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Pic: AP

Leonardo DiCatchAHo Doesn’t Know If He Wants To Bring Babies Into This World

January 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Leonardo DiCatchAHo talked about having kids with Rolling Stone and that’s not surprising. What’s really surprising is that a picture of Leo made the cover and not a picture of human fart bubble Sean Penn farting in front of El Chapo. What a missed opportunity.

Leonardo did an interview with Rolling Stone where he mostly talked about The Revenant and how as an eco warrior, he’s always worrying about how humanity has turned the planet into one giant toxic dumpster. As Leo rides in a gas-sucking private jet, his brain spits out anguished thoughts about how we’re sucking the earth dry of its resources. But also during the interview at a restaurant, Leo stopped for a second to “coo” over a little girl. You can roll your eyes at that all you want, but a trick’s gotta hustle. Politicians kiss babies for votes and movie stars coo at babies for that OSCUH. Leo didn’t really answer the question because he didn’t want his words getting twisted around:

Asked whether he has time in his life for starting a family after he coos over a little girl at a restaurant, DiCaprio answers, “Do you mean do I want to bring children into a world like this? If it happens, it happens.” Then the actor takes the Fifth. “I’d prefer not to get into specifics about it, just because then it becomes something that is misquoted. But yeah. I don’t know. To articulate how I feel about it is just gonna be misunderstood.”

I think Leo really wanted to say that he doesn’t want to bring more humans into this shitty, shitty world, and a playpen really won’t look good on his yacht, but now is not the time to piss off an Oscar voter. Besides, Leo is already a daddy to 20-something blonde models.

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Pics: Rolling Stone/Mark Seliger

Leonardo DiCatchAHo Explains The Face He Made When Lady Gaga Won

January 11, 2016 / Posted by:

Entertainment Tonight, the Detective La Toya of entertainment news shows, got to the bottom of EVERYTHING by asking Leonardo DiCatchAHo about the spooked face he made when Lady Caca bumped into him while making her way to the stage to accept the award for Best Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries at the Golden Globes last night. The mystery of Leo’s cackling scared face has FINALLY been solved! (Not really.) We can all move on with our lives. (Not at all.)

After Leo won Best Actor in a Drama for that old-timey bearded hipster in the wild movie and Alejandro González Iñárritu won for directing it, they both talked to Entertainment Tonight backstage. Cameron Mathison (aka Ryan from All My Children) of ET told Leonardo that the moment when his Muttley laugh got interrupted by Gaga’s protruding cardboard hips trended on Twitter. Leo gave an extremely detailed explanation for what was running through his brain during that moment:

That’s trending, huh? I just didn’t know what was passing me, that’s all.

What was passing me…” The shade continues. Shade on, Shade Queen Leo, shade on.

But Leo’s right. He didn’t know what was passing him. It could’ve been anything. It could’ve been that bear coming back for more. It could’ve been the Grim Reaper coming to collect him since he’s cheated death 3 times. It could’ve been an angry mob of his ex-pieces coming to get revenge on him.

Sorry, but it’s still not over. Yeah, Leonardo has spoken about the most riveting event of 2016, but I’m still going to need a highly skilled body language expert to tell me what he’s pointing at. My guess is that he’s pointing at Felicity Huffman and saying, “You got beat by Lady Caca, blehehehehehehehehehehehehe!

Pics: Splash

Leonardo DiCatchAHo Won Another Golden Globe!

January 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Bitch is Kabbalah? We’ll discuss that later. In the meantime…

Because of the way shit has been going tonight, I expected Trumbo (aka Bryan Cranston) to win the Best Actor in a Drama at the Golden Globes tonight. Honestly, I was hoping that would happen, because I was fully ready to see Leonardo DiCatchAHo break his glass on the table and threaten to cut a bitch, because tonight was supposed to be his dress rehearsal for the Oscars. But it happened for Leo, he won and he was able to rehearse for the Oscars. Leo gave a speech that he totally didn’t rehearse in the mirror a thousand times today. When Leo’s name was announced, I was kind of hoping that he’d walk by Lady Gaga’s table.

Those douchetastic fist bumps….

On a bathroom floor somewhere, Leonardo DiCaprio’s true soulmate Lukas Haas is curled up in the fetal position, because he wasn’t thanked at all. Bitch is one of the most loyal hangers-on in the game and what does he get for it. Not even a thank you in a stupid awards speech! And right there on the floor with Lukas is the CGI bear from The Revenant, because Leo didn’t thank that trick either. That’s stone cold.

Pics: Splash, Getty

My Thoughts Exactly, Leo!

January 10, 2016 / Posted by:

I didn’t know that Lady CaCa was married to a billionaire Israeli businessman?! And may a lightning bolt from heaven strike me down for comparing Lady Gaga to the talented angel that is Pia Zadora.

The Golden Globe winners have been all over the place tonight, so of course they continued with that theme by giving Lady Gaga an award for the accent acrobats and music video acting she did in American Horror Story: Hotel. While looking like she was doing third-rate Breathless Mahoney cosplay, Lady Gaga actually beat Felicity Huffman and Kirsten Dunst in the category of Best Performance by an Actress in a TV Movie or Miniseries. And just like that, the Golden Globes won the award for Best Comedy Show of the Year!

Before Lady Gaga’s acceptance speech where she laid it on so thick that I’m still wiping the thickness out of my eyes and ears (that sounds sexy but it’s not), she made her way to the stage and bumped into Leonardo DiCatchAHo who let out a scared giggle. Was Leo stoned? Was he shading CaCa? I don’t know, but I co-signed whatever he was doing:

In Gaga’s defense, that’s how Leonardo DiCatchAHo reacts whenever he’s that close to a vagina that isn’t attached to a 23-year-old blonde model. And the sad truth is, Lady Gaga is probably going to win an Oscar before Leonardo does. This world is full of fuckery.

Pics: @JAMNPP, Getty

Leonardo DiCaprio Says That Women Are The Most Persecuted People In The World

January 8, 2016 / Posted by:

Now it makes sense. Leonardo DiCaprio changes his girlfriends faster than most of us change our Brita water filters, because he believes that women are the most persecuted in the world and he’s showing all the ladies of the planet some love and affection and he’s doing it one woman at a time. He’s just starting with the tall, blonde, young skinny models. He’ll get to you short, brown-headed, non-skinny oldies eventually.

Leonardo was on Today this morning to promote The Revenant and Willie Geist asked him what winning an Oscar would mean to him. Leonardo probably dug deep to not jump out of his chair and twirl around while singing, “I want it now!” Leonardo played it cool while LYING!!!!

“I know it’s a cliché, but the truth is it’s ultimately not why you do these films. You do them because if you love the art form — and cinema to me is the great modern art form — you can look back one day and say, ‘I did that piece of work, and I gave it everything I could while I was there.’ And if you have enough of those later on in life, you’re a happy artist.”

Yeah, right, Leo. You do it for the yachts, model cooch and OSCAR!

Leonardo DiCatchAHo also did an interview with Parade (via Lainey Gossip) where he talked about making the movie, saving the environment and other shit. He was asked about marriage and fame, and he said that marriage will happen to him when it happens (read: when the government makes it legal for a human to marry an Oscar statue) and said that he doesn’t like to bitch about the hardships of fame since he knows he can walk away from it if he wants to. He was also asked why the role of women in The Revenant play such a small part while the dudes dominate. Leo said this.

“This represents the savagery of a lawless culture. Women have been the most persecuted people throughout all of recorded history, more than any race or religion.”

He’s going to get in trouble for that one. The Los Angeles Times did a study a couple of years ago where they found that 94% of Oscar voters are white, 77% are dudes and the average age is 62. So Leo’s Oscar campaign manager is totally going to give him hell for not saying, “White old men have been the most persecuted people throughout all of recorded history, more than any race or religion.”

Pic: Wenn.com

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