Earlier this month, I posted a rumor that Leonardo DiCatchAHo was getting on a 19ish-year-old model. But we all threw that rumor onto the fake pile when we read the part about the model being brown-haired. A couple of months before that, I posted a rumor that Leonardo DiCatchAHo was getting on a blond TV host. But we all threw that rumor onto the fake pile too when we read the part about the TV host being 30 years old. Well, a rumor about another piece has popped up and DiCatchAHo doesn’t have to worry about getting his lawyers to sue a bitch for defaming his good reputation with stories about how he dates brown-haired olds. Because this one is 24, blond and a model. Phew!
Roxy Horner’s name popped up back in February as being a member of DiCatchAHo’s rotating harem of blond models and it’s popped up again. People says that on Sunday, DiCatchAHo and his bro-in-waiting Lukas Haas had a double date with Roxy Horner (I guess her parents really wanted her to be a porn star) and some other blonde at Serendipity 3 in NYC. One source said that it was really just dinner with friends, and a different source (Hi, Roxy’s agency!) said that they were canooooodling:
“They came in very low-key, all wearing baseball caps,” a source tells PEOPLE.
“She was very attached to Leo,” adds the source. “She was definitely with him, she was holding on to his arm. They were affectionate.”
I love how People is saying it was a double date. Please, DiCatchAHo was on a date with two blondes and Lukas Haas was just there as the Gary to his Selina Meyer. You know, Lukas holds onto Leo’s vape pen, laughs at all of his jokes and whenever he forgets the name of Whatshername on his left or Whatshername on his right, Lukas mouths her name to him. And at this point, whenever an agency signs a new skinny blond model who is under the age of 25, they should give her Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s bio, copies of his movies and bug spray for when the gnats on his beard jump onto their crotch.
Just like the killer that comes back for one more scare at the end of every horror movie, and then in countless, mind numbing sequels, Rihanna and Leonardo DiCaprio were spotted getting close again. The powers that be have decided that this is the great romance question of our time and the true quest of human kind is to speculate and maybe or maybe not find out whether these two horny sluts are gonna finally just turn around and say “WE’VE FUCKED!”
Anywhere there are tall, thin girls in questionable attire, you’re bound to find Leonardo. He can smell generic B-Grade model types from miles and miles away. “Come on Snatch Snatcher… Let’s go Snatching!” That’s what he says to himself when he sets out for the day. So, naturally, he’s at Coochella. He and Rihanna were spotted getting up close and whoresonal again at the Neon Carnival last night. Leo was seen whispering into her ear and she just smiled and stared straight ahead. A source told People that before he covered Rihanna’s face with greasy whispers, Leo gave an encore performance of the hot dance moves his body delivered at Coachella last year.
Leo slipped into the party incognito and was dancing and singing to ‘No Scrubs.’ He knew every word! A couple tables over Rihanna was dancing with a couple girlfriends. Leo saw her and made his way over to say Hi.
Personally, I don’t think they’re hoing with each other, I think they trade conquest stories. They both seem like nasty sex types and I get the feeling they love to swap tales of poon and peen, in very vivid detail. And of course they must get an extra kick out of telling these horror stories out in public. I pray no one around them heard anything about where Leo’s grimy beard has been.
More importantly, Rihanna was also spotted canoodling with a true mega star. A shining example of elegance and lady like decorum – Courtney Love! I’m always thankful for a Courtney sighting because that way I know she’s ok and I can stop worrying. Riri and Courtney were at the Guns N’ Roses show and if we can call what she and Leo do hooking up, then she and Court were lezzing out while rocking out.
Pics: Getty, Mohammed Al Turki’s Instagram
Back in early February, an enemy of the Pussy Posse (I refuse to call them The Wolf Pack) tried to sabotage its leader’s Oscar campaign by scooting out damaging lies about him. They claimed that 41-year-old Leonardo DiCatchAHo was getting with a woman who’s 30 years old! It’s a miracle that he won that Oscar, because I didn’t think that the old, rich coots of the Academy would vote for Leo after finding out that he’s doing a woman who’s older than their fourth wife. It seems like that enemy of the Pussy Posse is at it again.
Page Six says that Oscar winner Leonardo DiCaprio (like Anne, I am legally obligated to address him as that) may be humping on a 19-or-20-year-old (okay…) model (duh…) with (warning: stick a suction cup butt plug up your asshole or you may prolapse out of shock) BROWN HAIR! Some evil trash of a source says that DiCatchAHo has been hanging around a Dutch model named Chelsey Weimar. Chelsey models for Victoria’s Secret Pink and was the winner of The Face in Holland.
The source says that DiCatchAHo and Chelsey went to dinner at Nobu in Malibu recently, and she’s posted pictures on Instagram that were supposedly taken in one of his houses. But another source (Hi, Leo’s publicist!) says that DiCatchAHo isn’t regularly putting his lips on the crotch of a maybe-teenage model, because he’s too busy trying to be the enviro-savior this planet really needs.
“It’s not true. He isn’t spending time with anyone. Most of his time lately has been in places like Indonesia, trying to help save the ecosystem.”
If it’s true, at least DiCatchAHo is showing us that his peen is somewhat diverse and will also get on a skinny Victoria’s Secret model who doesn’t grow blond hair. It’s also good news for all of the makers of brown hair dye, because every skinny blond model who has been hoping to catapult her career on DiCatchAHo’s peen is probably rinsing out Feria #40 from her hair right now.
Here’s pictures from The Fashion Spot of DiCatchAHo’s maybe piece.
Jennifer Lopez’s Carpool Karaoke bit with James Corden aired on The Late Late Show last night, and I can already see you reaching for the mute button on your speakers because you don’t want your co-workers thinking that you’re mutilating tone-deaf cats in your cubicle. But it’s really not that bad, and besides, it’s hard to hear JLo sing with the English Jimmy Fallon yodeling over her. But in between James Corden belting out JLo songs, he asked her who the most famous person in her phone is. If JLo still keeps in touch with any of the Fly Girls, they’re all probably the most famous tricks in her phone. But James Corden spotted Leonardo DiCatchAHo in her phone and he pretended to be JLo when he texted this:
“Hey baby, I’m kind of feeling like I need to cut loose. Any suggestions? Let me know, JLo (from the block).”
You’d think that DiCatchAHo wouldn’t text right away since it’s hard to text when two skinny blond 20-year-old models are doing the female Eiffel Tower on him as his man servant Lukas Haas gives him a manicure on the main deck of a yacht in the middle of the Mediterranean. But DiCatchAHo texted her back right away with this gem:
“You mean tonight, boo boo? Club-wise?”
DiCatchAHo is that dorky frat boy who never grows up and is always down to party. You can call him at 8 in the morning on a Tuesday and he’ll show up in the front of your house in a party bus blasting Skillrex. And DiCatchAHo not even side-eyeing JLo’s text a little tells me that she sends him texts like that all the time. You can’t fool us, boo boo! The DiCatchAHo bit is at the 12:25 mark:
And JLo also spilled this:
“I’ve had some amazing proposals. I’ve been married a couple of times. I’m still trying to get it right. I don’t want to compare one to the other. They were all pretty spectacular. They were nice. And then there’s some that asked me to marry them and I said no. I’ve been married three times. I’ve been proposed to five times.”
So the three she married were Ojani Noa, Cris Judd and Skeletor. She was engaged to Ben Affleck, and as for the fifth fiancé, Diddy may be the easiest guess, but I’m going to go with Casper Smart. JLo probably said no, because Casper pulled a move I pulled on my mom when I was a little kid with zero money to my name. One time when it was my mom’s birthday, I went into her jewelry box, took a necklace, wrapped it and gave it to her, hoping that she wouldn’t remember that she owns it. Casper probably did that to JLo when he proposed and she just patted him on the head, said “awwww” and made a mental note to up his allowance so he can save up for a new ring.
Hiring actresses who are young enough to remember when they still had an umbilical cord as the love interests for dudes who are old enough to start shopping around for plastic hips is a fairly common practice in Hollywood. I’m no industry insider, but I’m pretty sure that once an actress hits 30, she’s given an AARP pamphlet and a basket of Botox coupons with a card thanking her for her service.
For example, about a year ago, 38-year-old Maggie Gyllenhaal admitted that she was once told she was too old to play the love interest of a 55-year-old. And now Olivia Wilde is chiming in with a story about being told she’s too old of her own. During an interview with Howard Stern (via UsWeekly), 32-year-old Olivia says that she auditioned for, but didn’t get, the role of Leonardo DiCaprio’s hot girlfriend-turned-wife Naomi in The Wolf of Wall Street back in 2012. According to Olivia, the reason she was given for why she didn’t get the part was because she was “too sophisticated.”
At the time, Olivia was flattered, because really, who would take “too sophisticated” as anything but the highest of compliments? Especially someone who was only 29. However, Olivia says she later found out that “too sophisticated” was Hollywood casting agent code for “too fucking old.”
The role eventually went to Margot Robbie, who was 22 (for reference, Leo was 38 when they filmed The Wolf of Wall Street). But Olivia clearly doesn’t hold the date on Margot’s birth certificate against her, because she added: “I thought she kicked so much ass in that movie.”
Obviously 29 isn’t that old to play an almost-40 actor’s girlfriend, but it is too old to play Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend. Can you imagine how hard it would be for him to act like he was interested in a woman who was born in the 80s? I know Leo is the greatest actor in the world or whatever, but that’s asking a lot of him.
Here’s Olivia at a theater event in NYC last week with her baby daddy and Will Forte. I can’t believe they made her stand the whole time; not one person offered that poor old woman a seat! This generation has no respect for their elders.
If the stories of master thespian Jared Leto in perpetual Joker cosplay have taught me anything, it’s that Oscar winners sometimes take themselves very seriously. Apparently that’s not just something non-Hollywooders like myself noticed. Tina Fey knows it too. Even though Tina is technically Hollywood, she lives in New York City full time. It sounds like living in a place that turns into a frozen hellhole in the winter and where the donuts will give you the multicolor shits has immunized Tina to overzealous Oscar winners.
When Leonardo DiCaprio’s biggest wet dream finally came true last night, it was bittersweet for me. While it’s nice to see his undeniable thirst finally get quenched, I was sad to say goodbye to the Susan Lucci jokes that never got old. (“Um, those jokes died of old age and were completely eaten by the worms a long time ago.” – everyone but me) But thanks to the Internet pulling its shoulder muscles by reaching so damn hard, the jokes live on for another day.
Every blonde skinny lingerie/swimsuit model from here to the Czech Republic is cheering out of their panties, because their ex-piece or future ex-piece Leonardo DiCatchAHo finally won an Oscar. Leonardo is truly the talent of our time, because he was able to walk to the Oscars stage while blowing out a river of jizz through his asshole over finally winning the award he would’ve sold all of his internal organs for.
Leonardo won Best Actor for The Relevant, I mean The Revenant, and he used his time on the stage to talk about the environment. Sure, he’s probably going to celebrate his Oscar win by taking a gas-guzzling private jet ride to France where he’ll get on a yacht. But who cares. Leo cares about the environment! Get into Leo’s “just had my wisdom tooth pulled out and I’m on coke” mouth action:
But you know who he doesn’t care about? The bear from The Revenant. He didn’t thank that bitch at all. If it wasn’t for that bear, Leo wouldn’t even be on that stage, but yet he couldn’t have taken 3 seconds out of his speech to thank the ho who made it all possible? How dreadful. Leo should lose his award over that honestly. And you know who else is crying in a fetal position on a bathroom floor somewhere? Lukas Haas. Leo didn’t even throw a half-assed “thank you” at his fellow Pussy Posse member and bro-in-waiting. Cold, Leo, cold!
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
The Sun is normally a highly-esteemed literary journal all of us can trust, so that is why I am really disappointed in them for printing a story from a vindictive piece of trash source who is obviously out to ruin Leonardo DiCatchAHo!
Who am I kidding? Unless it’s a statue of a little naked gold man covering his junk with a sword, that award is going straight in the trash. No, I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio was very happy to win his very first BAFTA this weekend. After all, it gave him an opportunity to practice his “OMG really? Me?” face for the Oscars.
So, as if you couldn’t have already guessed by all your grizzly bear friends going crazy on your Facebook timeline last night, The Revenant won a whole mess of BAFTAs. Cold Sad Leo took home the award for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Cinematography, Best Sound, but most importantly, Best Actor for Leo. This is also the closest Leo has gotten to winning all five of the most important acting awards. I swear to god, if for some reason Leo doesn’t win Best Actor at the Academy Awards and it turns out that this awards season has been one long Carrie-style prank, then everybody in the Dolby Theatre better say goodbye to their loved ones, because Leo will set them all on fire with his mind.
But something even more exciting than winning an award happened to Leo last night. That’s right, he got to kiss on Dame Maggie Smith!
I was chasing the Tylenol lizard last night (aka I was sick), so I didn’t watch the BAFTAs. But it looks like I clearly should have. I didn’t know they got all horny and made out at these things. If the Oscars wants people to stick around and watch all 1,824 hours of that shit, they should really borrow from the BAFTAs and throw in a mid-show make-out break. And if they really want those Nielsen ratings, they could change it from kissing to full-on fucking. “Sure, whatever it takes to get that Oscar” said Leo, as he mentally prepared to fuck the middle-aged puppet from Anomalisa.
Here’s more of Leo with his Valentine (an award) in the BAFTAs press room with a teeny-tiny Tom Cruise and the angel that has made all his award season dreams come true, Alejandro Iñárritu.