When it was revealed last week that humanized horny moan Rihanna had been caught mouth-humping on itchy-looking man slut Leonardo DiCaprio at the Playboy Mansion, most of us were shocked at two things: one, that the millions of random skanky bacterias haunting their mouths didn’t form one giant virus, and two, that Leo was kissing a woman who was born in the 80s. But according to UsWeekly (via Hollywood Life), we shouldn’t have been shocked at all, because these two have been boning for several years now.
A source claims that Jack Nicholson Jr. and Princess Ooh-Na-Na have been hooking up for years, and possible while they were seeing other people. “That’s why I kept finding denim stripper thongs in Leo’s beard” thought several hundred nameless panty models. “That’s why I kept finding dead bed bugs in her booty” gagged Drake. The source goes on to say that RiRi and Stinky the Boxcar Bum reconnected after he gave his bottom bony bitch, Toni Garrn, walking papers:
“After his breakup, Leo started texting Rihanna again. They decided to have some fun. Neither one is looking to make this anything more than fun. He’s into her, and they’re enjoying it.”
Allow me to translate: he’s getting his bindle stick wet with her intergalactic cooch juices, and nobody’s sleeping over. Get it, you perpetually-horny sluts.
And I like to imagine that every text Leo sends RiRi begins with the words “Hey girl, u awake? U want me to send Lukas Haas over in the dinghy to get u?“
That weird wooshing sound you just heard was every human on Earth GASPING in shock after hearing that Leonardo DiCaprio mouth humped on a person who wasn’t a 20-year-old bony panty model type. I bet even as it was happening, Rihanna was like “Welp, this is clearly the first sign of the apocalypse; time to say goodbye to my loved ones.”
According to UsWeekly, Jack Nicholson Jr. and Princess Ooh-Na-Na hooked up, mouth-wise, at a party at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday night while RiRi’s song “Pour It Up” was playing. Fitting, considering that rubbing against Leo’s musty bed bug beard mouth would make anyone want to pour an entire bottle of Listerine into theirs. However, one of Leo’s friends tells TMZ that it never happened. Sure, Lukas Haas, whatever you need to do to calm down all the heartbroken thong models aboard the S. S. Snatch Catcher.
And to double up on the randomness of this whole situation, MediaTakeOut says that Rihanna is knocked up with Leo’s dirtbag sperm. Well, we all know that’s a lie, since it’s common knowledge that Leo’s wiener can’t get hard unless the pussy it’s about to enter smells like Victoria’s Secret vanilla body splash and a 3-catalogue contract.
But maybe they weren’t kissing. I mean, RiRi isn’t exactly Leo’s type; yes, RiRi has been on the cover of VOGUE and she likes to take pictures in her underwear, but Leo is more of a random boat hos kind of guy now. Also, RiRi is 26, which as we all know is waaaaaay too fucking old for Leo. Maybe RiRi was just checking Leo’s beard for stray cigarettes or an extra pair of panties or something. Or maybe she confused his face for a giant dried bud and she was trying to smoke him (that’s got to be it).
“Boy…friend? What is a boy friend?” asked a confused Leonardo DiCaprio from high atop a Jenga-like tower of 27 nameless naked models.
According to the journalistic vanguard that is The National Enquirer, Taylor Swift has set her beady-little boy crazy eyes on the current most accurate visual definition of the word itchy, Leo DiCaprio. That sound you just heard was four dozen panty models running down the deck of the S. S. Snatch Catcher to the communal laptop to update their Model Mayhem portfolios for fear that they might soon be out of a job.
The Enquirer claims that Tay Tay demanded her manager set up a meeting with DiDi to see if he was boyfriend material. Spoiler alert: HE’S NOT. Apparently he passed the test, and Tay Tay invited him to hang out with her in New York. She has also been texting him relentlessly, as is Taylor Swift’s custom. A source also says that Leo is “turned on” by her success, and that Tay Tay thinks they’d be the perfect “power couple.” Of course, a source close to Leo (Lukas Haas working hard while hardly working) tells Gossip Cop that it’s 100% butterscotch-scented bullshit.
You don’t have to be Detective Olivia Benson – the human, not the cat – to know this story is all kinds of questionable. First of all, there definitely wasn’t a second date after Tay Tay realized the person her manager had set her up with was neither Jack from Titanic or Romeo from Romeo+Juliet. Second, Tay Tay has a full-time job, which means she can’t spend 11 months of the year floating aimlessly on a yacht, which is Leo’s No.1 deal breaker. Third, we all know that Taylor is really into pussies, but the only girls-into-pussies that Leo is interested in are the ones who can fill in during Threesome Thursdays at Casa DiCaprio. Don’t worry Tay Tay – there’s plenty more hobo-looking man sluts in the sea.
Surrounded by model types on a fancy French island, vaping his hobo face off. Although that could be any day for Leonardo DiCaprio, really; it just happened to be New Years Day. According to The Daily Mail, Jack Nicholson Jr. rang in the new year on a beach in St. Barts with a boat full of bikini models, and none of them were his bottom bitch Toni Garrn, which means they are probably officially officially over, right? How could you not spend NYE counting down from 60 with wealthy elf Ryan Seacrest without your best ho? That’s practically a NYE felony.
But something seems off about these pictures of Leo on Babe Island. First of all, there are less than a dozen babes in bikinis. I mean, in this picture alone, I can only count four. FOUR?!? What happened? Did the S.S. Snatch Catcher capsize on its way to St. Barts and they all had to swim to Babe Island? Are there 35 to 40 model types currently lost at sea? Should someone send out in a search and rescue helicopter? Second, is one of the models wearing shorts? I thought all model types were required to turn in their clothing to Leo’s unpaid intern Lukas Haas before they were allowed to hang out with Leo. Finally, why is Leo holding his own vape? Maybe that last one isn’t that strange; I guess I just assumed he would puff out of a pussy, hands-free.
Here’s more of Leo on Babe Island in St. Barts with this week’s stable of 20-year-old model types before they all climbed aboard a dinghy and set sail into the middle of the ocean so Leo could supplement his missing dinghy sluts with a couple of hot 20-year-old mermaids.
More hacked Sony emails have been released, and while they don’t get much juicier than Scott Rudin calling Dame St. Angie a “minimally-talented spoiled brat” (I wonder what he calls her off the record? My money is on “Jon Voight’s dumb vampire-looking daughter“), they do reveal that Amal Clooney’s actor husband George was a sad panda after he read all the bad reviews of his film The Monuments Men. According to Page Six, one of the recent leaks was an email George sent to Amy Pascal with the subject line “It’s getting worse“. In it, he cries to Amy that the reviews for the film he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in were so bad, he was losing precious beauty sleep:
“I need some protection from all the reviews. Let’s just make it a hit. I haven’t slept in 30 hours. And it’s 7 am.”
I hope the second Amy got that email, she rushed over to his house with a Costco-sized tub of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and a DVD copy of One Fine Day to cheer him up. Poor Georgie – some people didn’t like his movie! I think that’s the rich celebrity equivalent of not being asked to the prom. Amy did email George back, explaining that would “get revenge” by making money off the film, and George responded in true George Clooney style:
“I adore you Amy. You are literally the only person running a studio that loves film. I fear I’ve let you all down. Not my intention. I apologize. I’ve just lost touch… Who knew? Sorry. I won’t do it again.”
Damn, I think I just fell in love with George Clooney (“ONE OF US! ONE OF US!” chanted the C’loonies). Listen to George, trying to charm the pants off Amy Pascal. Unfortunately, not everyone is as good at kissing Amy’s ass; those leaked emails also revealed that there’s a certain bony booty hunter who has a reputation for being a thoughtless asshole. That’s right! Joining Dame St. Angie on the Sony Shit List is Leonardo DiCaprio.
Leonardo DiCaprio Took 20 Girls Home After An Art Basel Party This Weekend, Because Of Course He Did
Yes, THAT Leonardo DiCaprio – seen above at an Art Basel party last week looking like bedbugs and hot ball stink – was the one who took home 20 girls. I mean, 11, 12 tops, but 20? The universe is a mystery.
There have been rumors going around since September that the CEO of PussyHounds Inc. had given walking papers to his bottom bitch Toni Garrn, and now it sounds like it might actually be true. Either that or they have a very very open door policy on their relationship. According to the NY Daily News, Leo was spotted partying with a large group of friends that included Joe Jonas (really Leo?) and Brandon Davis (ew Leo, NO), as well as a whole mess of bony butt model types at the 1 Oak pop-up at Art Basel on Saturday night. A source says that when it was time to leave, Leo left with every girl in the VIP area – 20 of them, to be exact:
“He left with 20 girls. Leo and 20 girls. He is my hero,” our awestruck snitch says. “He was overflowing with models everywhere. The Jonas brother looked scared, like he was going to drown and suffocate in the women. His face was hilarious.”
Why did I just picture that “awestruck snitch” as a dude in a white polo shirt named either Brad or Chad who describes everything as “tight”?
Even though Leo spent most of his trip to Miami up to his eyeballs in model pussy, the NY Daily Mail says Toni Garrn couldn’t take the hint and was desperately chasing Leo around like Wayne’s crazy ex-girlfriend Stacy from Wayne’s World. Sources say they’re officially broken up, but Toni kept following Leo from party to party. Toni, no! That horny hobo ain’t worth it!
And no word on what Leo did with those 20 skanks from the VIP, but my guess is he brought them aboard his yacht, the S.S. Snatch Catcher, had his unpaid intern Lukas Haas arrange them in a cozy 20-person pussy pile, crawled into the middle, took a nap, and had that dream where he wins an Oscar.
Here’s Leo in Miami before he took 20 women home from the club looking like an old timey prospector crossed with a frat boy:
I know it looks like Leonardo DiCaprio is flashing some kind of bearded hobo gang sign, but that’s actually how he orders models. “Two please! I’m thinking something from 1992, blonde…aw hell, it’s my birthday – surprise me! NOTHING OLDER THAN 25, YOU HEAR ME???”
It was the President of the Pussy Posse’s 40th birthday yesterday, so he had his assistant Lukas Haas dock the yacht (the S. S. Snatch Catcher) so he could celebrate with his friends at the Soho House in West Hollywood. But when he arrived, Leo was greeted by something far more wonderful and important than friends: bony-assed panty models! According to TMZ, Leo’s guest list included a bunch of his friends like Tyrese, Russell Simmons, Robin Thicke (ew Leo no), and then a shitload of models. A source tells TMZ that they estimate the guest list was about 80% models.
80% may seen like a lot, but just remember – models take up a lot less space. So if you want the room to look full, you’ve got to really pack them in. Besides, a 5:1 model-to-guest ratio isn’t nearly enough for a seasoned pussy hound like Leo. Leo probably arrived at Soho House, scanned the room like a booty-hunting T-1000, calculated a paltry pussy count of 80%, and promptly slapped Lukas Haas across the face while screaming “80? 80? WHERE’S THE OTHER 20?!?”
Obviously there were no cameras allowed inside Leo’s birthday party, but here are some of the non-model guests leaving last night, including sexy humanoid Eggo waffle Jonah Hill, Joel Edgerton, and vinegar-based life-form Adam Levine:
Kate Winslet Says The Reason She’s Still Friends With Leo DiCaprio Is Because She Never Humped On His DiCrotchrio
Kate Winslet and the booty bounty hunter Leo DiCaprio have been friends for a million years, which always felt sort of odd to me, since it was my impression that Leo has a strict hump-and-dump policy when it comes to the ladies in his life. Well, Kate recently explained to Marie Claire UK (via HuffPo) that that is exactly the reason why they’re still friends. You can’t dump what you never humped! Leo never plunged his iceberg into the hull of Kate’s ship, and he never will! And yes I just made a Titanic joke in 2014; pray for me.
“I think the reason that friendship works is because there was never any romantic thing. It’s so disappointing for people to hear that, because in the soap opera of the Kate and Leo story we fell in love at first sight and had a million snogs, but actually we never did. He always saw me as one of the boys. I’ve never really been a girly-girl.”
Let’s just address the most important part of that quote: SNOGS. The most wonderfully British word ever created! I just pictured Leo and Kate “snogging” in a double-decker bus pulled by Prince Harry, Chummy from Call The Midwife, and a corgi in a top hat and monocle, as a chorus of come-to-life newspaper-wrapped bundles of fish and chips sang “My Heart Will Go On”.
But there’s a reason Leo and Kate never fucked, and it has nothing to do with her being “one of the boys”. I’m sure Leo would love to have sex with Kate, but it’s his dick that’s the problem! Leo’s Pants Wolf of Ball Street (his dick, in case you didn’t get that) only gets hard for bony blonde panty models. He could take a million Viagras and it still wouldn’t do a damn thing. Years of banging Victoria’s Secret models have conditioned his penis to remain soft until it smelled the overpowering scent of strawberry-vanilla body spray or until it hears Lukas Haas say the magic words (“Leo would like you to leave the angel wings on, actually”).
OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) says that 22-year-old German Victoria’s Secret model Teri Garr (I know that’s not her name, but every time I try to type her real name my auto-correct gene automatically corrects it to Teri Garr. I cannot deny my auto-correct gene!) is no longer sucking the face piojos and cheesy dandruff puffs out of Leonardo DiCaprio’s scraggly beard as they spoon on a yacht in the South of France while forever third wheel Lukas Haas watches from a dark corner. They say that after a year and a half of bumping nipples, Teri Garr and 39-year-old Leo are no longer together. They were last papped together in NYC on September 3rd. OK! Magazine has so many details about the split that you’ll have to read the following with a quadruple-magnified magnifying glass, because there’s details hidden in the details.
The Wolf of Wall Street actor, 39, ended his relationship with model Toni Garrn, 22, after a year and a half of dating. The couple was last spotted in New York City on Sept. 3.
The split wasn’t too much of a surprise, as Garrn attended New York Fashion Week solo, while DiCaprio partied on the West Coast. But what lead to the split?
So many details! A source tells Gossip Cop that OK! is lie-telling, because ToNardo is still a thing.
I don’t know, it’s pretty believable. The world is now teetering on its axis, because George Clooney is the picture perfect portrait of a happily married monogamous man and Adam Levine is no longer ho’ing it up out in the open. Leonardo DiCatchAHo really cares about the planet and he can’t let it completely spin off its axis by staying in a relationship too long. So I wouldn’t be surprised if Leo put Teri Garr on the curb, because now that Clooney and Adam Levine are temporarily off the market he’s gotta triple up his fuck load and do all the models. Besides, Teri Garr turned 22 in July and 22 is “older than Methuselah’s balls” in DiCatchAHo years. That’s what the DiCatchAHo calculator on Victoria’s Secret’s website says anyway.
Here’s Toni Garrn (yes, I broke at least 3 finger bones while typing that name instead of Teri Garr) at some Vogue event in Milan on September 22nd.
The story of the beautiful-faced delicate porcelain elf figurine Orlando Bloom scrappin’ with ass tampon Justin Bieber is already a pile of ridiculousness, but more layers of weird keep being added to it. When TMZ first reported this mess, they said that Orlando was the one who started it by throwing a failed punch at the Biebs’. A second later, it was reported that the less butch Anybodys from West Side Story started it by spitting out the line, “She (Miranda Kerr) was good,” when Orlando Bloom walked by his table. Now, former Spanish journalist (aren’t we all former Spanish journalists?) Anastasia Skolkova tells The Mirror (via The Daily Mail) that Orlando and the Biebs fought twice and practically everyone was on Team Legolas except for the Biebs’ bodyguards who are paid to pretend they are on his team even though they were probably clapping for Orlando on the inside.
A bunch of famous whores, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan and Diddy, were at Cipriani’s in Ibiza that morning and when the junior high school cafeteria fight broke out, they all took their places on Orlando’s side. Anastasia claims that Leonardo clapped for Orlando and Lindsay Lohan laughed at the Biebs. Even though Leo has probably been on Miranda Kerr’s Kewpie doll poon, it makes sense for him to clap for Orlando, because he hates the Biebs more than pizza. Anastasia put it like this:
“Justin said something when he came in which was aimed at Orlando, who then jumped onto a sofa to try and get at Justin. When Orlando punched Bieber, everyone started clapping. Lindsay was laughing. It was amazing. The whole table he and DiCaprio were on were clapping. Afterwards, I don’t know if people were congratulating Orlando or trying to calm him down. When security saw that when they got separated, Bieber and Orlando tried to punch each other again, security were like, ‘Bieber came, Bieber provoked this fight’, so they took his hands behind his back and took him away from the restaurant.”
I’m a little disappointed that Leonardo didn’t finish the Biebs off by knocking that trick down with one of his hot Kung-Fu kicks. Leo probably figured it was wrong for him to get involved in a fight between two delicate and fragile woodland nymphs.
This story just keeps getting more bizarre. I’m sure that by Monday someone will report that Orlando shot Justin Bieber in the face with an arrow and afterward, Tupac gave him a victory fist bump and as he was walking out, Elvis pat him on the back while sitting on a unicorn that whistled out the Rocky theme song.
And when Lindsay Lohan laughs at you, you have officially found the crawlspace under Hell’s basement. You’ve fallen so low and so hard that not even Life Alert can save you.
Here’s Orlando dealing with the humiliation of punching at the Biebs and missing by hugging on Erica Packer on a yacht in Formentera, Spain. Erica is the ex-wife of Australian billionaire James Packer who Miranda Kerr has been doing for a while, but who isn’t Miranda Kerr doing?