The story of the beautiful-faced delicate porcelain elf figurine Orlando Bloom scrappin’ with ass tampon Justin Bieber is already a pile of ridiculousness, but more layers of weird keep being added to it. When TMZ first reported this mess, they said that Orlando was the one who started it by throwing a failed punch at the Biebs’. A second later, it was reported that the less butch Anybodys from West Side Story started it by spitting out the line, “She (Miranda Kerr) was good,” when Orlando Bloom walked by his table. Now, former Spanish journalist (aren’t we all former Spanish journalists?) Anastasia Skolkova tells The Mirror (via The Daily Mail) that Orlando and the Biebs fought twice and practically everyone was on Team Legolas except for the Biebs’ bodyguards who are paid to pretend they are on his team even though they were probably clapping for Orlando on the inside.
A bunch of famous whores, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan and Diddy, were at Cipriani’s in Ibiza that morning and when the junior high school cafeteria fight broke out, they all took their places on Orlando’s side. Anastasia claims that Leonardo clapped for Orlando and Lindsay Lohan laughed at the Biebs. Even though Leo has probably been on Miranda Kerr’s Kewpie doll poon, it makes sense for him to clap for Orlando, because he hates the Biebs more than pizza. Anastasia put it like this:
“Justin said something when he came in which was aimed at Orlando, who then jumped onto a sofa to try and get at Justin. When Orlando punched Bieber, everyone started clapping. Lindsay was laughing. It was amazing. The whole table he and DiCaprio were on were clapping. Afterwards, I don’t know if people were congratulating Orlando or trying to calm him down. When security saw that when they got separated, Bieber and Orlando tried to punch each other again, security were like, ‘Bieber came, Bieber provoked this fight’, so they took his hands behind his back and took him away from the restaurant.”
I’m a little disappointed that Leonardo didn’t finish the Biebs off by knocking that trick down with one of his hot Kung-Fu kicks. Leo probably figured it was wrong for him to get involved in a fight between two delicate and fragile woodland nymphs.
This story just keeps getting more bizarre. I’m sure that by Monday someone will report that Orlando shot Justin Bieber in the face with an arrow and afterward, Tupac gave him a victory fist bump and as he was walking out, Elvis pat him on the back while sitting on a unicorn that whistled out the Rocky theme song.
And when Lindsay Lohan laughs at you, you have officially found the crawlspace under Hell’s basement. You’ve fallen so low and so hard that not even Life Alert can save you.
Here’s Orlando dealing with the humiliation of punching at the Biebs and missing by hugging on Erica Packer on a yacht in Formentera, Spain. Erica is the ex-wife of Australian billionaire James Packer who Miranda Kerr has been doing for a while, but who isn’t Miranda Kerr doing?
I haven’t been to that many charity events in my life (Wait, does my 4th grade birthday party count? I mean, half of the kids there were only there for the cake and were forced to be there by their parents who felt sorry for my ass), but even I know that when you go t a charity event, you shouldn’t promote or do anything that goes against the cause. If you go to a D.A.R.E. event, you should probably wait until after that shit finishes to smoke heroin out of a pipe made of coke while butt snorting meth in the bathroom. If you go to an event for Human Rights Watch, you probably shouldn’t wear a Justin Bieber t-shirt since Justin Bieber is a walking human rights violation. So either model type Cara Delevingne was in the mood for trolling or the wolf brows on her face sucked out every piece of her brain for nourishment. Because that piece of trash wore a rabbit fur coat to a wildlife fundraiser in St. Tropez.
Michelle Rodriguez’s partner in pussy and Selena Gomez’s maybe-current partner in pussy showed up to the event for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation in a white tuxedo thing, but sometime during the event, she changed into what looked like a rabbit fur jacket and tiny, white, pussy-exposing track shorts that screamed “I am not on my period!” Page Six’s source said that during the event, everybody GASPED when Cara got on the stage with human ass scab Robin Thicke and was wearing a coat that was made of the mutilated bodies of Thumper’s relatives:
“She got up there with Robin Thicke in what looked like a white rabbit fur,” says a spy.
“It was like, wait, this is an event for wildlife!”
Why isn’t there video of this? Specifically, why isn’t there video of Leonard DiCaprio when this was happening, because I really want to see his face go from “Wait, have I fucked her yet?” to “OH GOD SHE’S WEARING PETER COTTONTAIL!” before using his hot karate moves to kung-fu kick her off the stage. This could’ve been a Chelsea Clinton situation and Cara’s jacket could’ve been fake, but probably not.
Bitch probably didn’t even know what the event was for. She was just there for the free press, free booze and free coke. In this dumb twat’s defense, she goes to so many “charity events” for the free press and freeze booze that she forgets what charity the event is for and what the dress code is. At one charity event, she has to wear a red ribbon. At another charity event, she has to wear pink. And at a different charity event, she can’t wear dead animals. How can one bitch remember all that shit?! She was probably booked for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation event and the The Kendall Jones Foundation event in the same week and got the days confused. That’s all.
Panty Creamer Of The Day: Leonardo DiCaprio Giving You Body, Ponytail And Nasty Beard Hotness In Miami
If you’re a 6’1″, 90lb blonde model who is under the age of OLD (read: 23) and always looking to come up, then it’s your lucky life, because there’s a really good chance that this hot, chunk of hairy, bloated hotness will climb on top of you and cover your body with his stank as his beard fleas jump onto your face. Lucky whore.
It’s Fashion Week in Miami right now and wherever there’s a large gathering of models, there’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo trolling around and looking for his next piece. Leo took a break from sitting front row at fashion shows and pointing at models while telling his people that he’ll take “one of those and one of those and one of those” to feed his hairy nipples and belly pouch some much needed Vitamin D on the beach. Leo is apparently growing out his hair, beard and body for a movie that’s shooting in September and no, I don’t know if he’s playing a bottom level Zach Galifianakis impersonator who can also impersonate Jack Nicholson for anyone who’s not picky and on a budget. Leo is once again proving that if you’re a famous millionaire, you can look like you smell like foreskin gouda, thick beard gravy and pit syrup and models will still throw their chocha at you. Not pictured: Lukas Haas hosing down all the models trying to throw their chochas at Leo while he’s having some “me time” on the beach.
And yes, I still, still would. Leo’s high ponytail and those back bangs that look like a hairy neck skirt are taking me higher.
Pics: FameFlynet, Splash
Leonardo DiCaprio Is Mad That Someone Is Trying To Sell An Autographed Picture Of Him And Nelson Mandela
According to Page Six, Leonardo DiCaprio has a bee in his bonnet because an online memorabilia dealer called Moments In Time is trying to sell a signed photo of him with Nelson Mandela for $25,000. The photo was taken back in 2006 when Leo was filming Blood Diamond in South Africa. A year later, Nelson Mandela must have found it and decided to mail it to Leo along with the message: “To Leo DiCaprio, Best Wishes, Mandela, 4-8-07.” However, the picture was never mailed to Leo. Instead it somehow ended up in the hands of Moments In Time, where they decided to sell it, because it would be kind of a weird picture to have sitting on your mantle next to a photo of your kid’s soccer team and a portrait of the dog.
Once Leo was made aware of the photo’s existence on Tuesday, probably by Lukas Hass, who has nothing better to do all day than surf the net from his futon, Leo had his lawyer call up Gary Zimet, the owner of Moments In Time, and tell them to hand it over. But Gary is claiming “finders vs keepers” and told Leo’s lawyer that if he wants it so badly, he can buy it for $25,000. A source close to Leo (the talking ass cheeks of a Victoria’s Secret model) claims he might take Gary Zimet to court, saying:
“The photo is clearly not their property. He wants the picture. His lawyers are considering action.”
If he thinks that picture should be sitting in a pewter frame on top of a stack of Victoria’s Secret head shots on his desk and not being hustled for pennies online, then why doesn’t he just buy it? $25,000 is nothing to him – that’s like his weekly budget for Model’s Choice™ massage oil. Besides, $25k is a small price to pay for such a great picture of Nelson Mandela. Look at him working that sassy silver shirt! I bet he’s strutting around in that chic silver shirt up in Heaven and making all the angels swoon.
If your b-hole is still recovering from the warm tingles it got after hearing about Leonardo DiCaprio refusing to share the same air with the Keeping Up With The Kardashians kamera krew at a party two weeks ago, then you better stop reading right now, because this story will make you feel like you sat on a dildo made of Extra Strength Icy Hot. Star says that while he was in Cannes last month, Leo decided to catch some hos at Gotha nightclub (don’t get excited; I checked, and, no, it’s not a Gothika-themed nightclub). As it so happened, the toilet-clogging used tampon of Canada Justin Bieber was also in the same club, most likely searching for someone to warm his bottle and read Goodnight Moon.
According to a source (hey Lukas Haas!) a shirtless Justin spotted Leo from across the room and had his bodyguard push through the crowd to get to where Leo was sitting with his harem of bony 20-year-old models in the VIP area. Justin’s bodyguard (the toughest 4th grader he knows) then asked Leo if he’d be interested in pulling up a highchair and letting Baby Bieber join him at his table. Of course, Leo would rather fuck an underwear model from the Sears catalogue than spend two seconds with Vanilla Ice Cream Cone, so he shook his head “OF COURSE NOT, BITCH” and shooed his bodyguard away. In case you didn’t glean that Leo has as much use for a Bieber as he does a Kardashian, the source says this:
“He thinks Justin’s a little twit. Leo doesn’t want or need photo ops with publicity-hungry, manufactured pop stars.”
As if. The real reason Leo didn’t want that swaggy tonsil stone around is because that greedy pussy-hoarder was afraid Justin would swoop in with his sessy dirt stache and snatch up one of his beloved Victoria’s Secret Angels, forcing Leo to sleep on a bed of 7 naked models instead of his regular 8 that evening. Even though they only weight about 90 lbs each, if one of his pretty panty hustlers is missing from the pile, he has to re-arrange them all and move the blonde one from the bottom and the other blonde one to the middle, and it’s impossible for him to get a good night’s sleep if he’s playing Pussy Tetris all night long.
Before you start gathering your things in response to what sounds like first sign of the apocalypse, please be assured that, no, Pimp Mama Kris hasn’t sunk her claws into Leonardo DiCaprio by sending Khloe Kardashian over to his house in a pair of Victoria’s Secret angel wings and a rag soaked in ether. Page Six says that Leo decided to catch some hos at Frankie Delgado’s birthday party on Sunday with professional famous friend Lukas Haas. Upon arrival, he began scanning the crowd for skinny 20-year-old model ass like a bony butt-hunting T-1000, and noticed that the DJ was sometime Kardashian step-brother Brody Jenner. Next to Brody was his brother Brandon Jenner, as well as the flawless shimmering jewel in the Kardashian Krown, Bruce Jenner.
That’s when the fog of booze and coke cleared from Leo’s bloated horny lizard brain and he realized they were filming an episode of Keeping Up With Lucifer’s Low-Klass Trash. A source claims he and Lukas refused to enter the party for fear of being filmed for KUWTK and chose to wait outside until the filming was over. Wow, you know your shit stinks when it’s able to keep Leo away from the ladies.
Page Six also says Paris Hilton arrived at the party and pulled a 180 just like Leo because she didn’t want anything to do with KUWTK either. Although in defence of the KUWTK film crew, they probably wouldn’t have filmed her anyways, since they have enough footage of Z-list has-beens left over from Kim and Kanye’s wedding.
And I don’t think Leo left because he didn’t want his Academy Award-nominated face to appear in such low-level garbage as KUWTK. I think he was forced to make a quick exit after getting the dizzy, light-headed feeling that comes from gazing upon Bruce Jenner’s breathtaking beauty. It probably gave him flashbacks to the fish tank scene in Romeo + Juliet.
Everything about this video is a beautiful mess from Leonardo DiCatchAHo awkwardly dancing like a nervous dad at the high school prom he’s chaperoning to the girl who shot this making an “AAAAH!!!!“ face to the molly in his system finally kicking in as he lets out some kind of strange Mortal Kombat raver dance with his friend. I don’t whether they’re dancing, fight dancing, having a strange reaction to the Ecstasy they took (but isn’t every reaction to Ecstasy, a strange reaction?) or doing some kind of dude bro ritual dance. I did keep waiting for Red Bull to fall from the skies.
It starts out with Leo flirting with the beat and bopping like a sober pepaw with a bad hip, but then it cuts to him letting it all go and jumping, kicking and punching the beat and giving the hos at Coachella a real show. Leo and his friend are the lone members of the loneliest mosh pit ever. And if you’re thinking that there’s no way that’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo since a bored-looking Victoria’s Secret Angel is not at least 10 feet away from him, it is his ass apparently.
— Roboshayka (@Roboshayka) April 13, 2014
No, they aren’t covering their mouths like frat boy ninjas because Lindsay Lohan is there and they heard she wasn’t wearing panties, there was a dust storm.
And this is the greatest performance Leonardo has ever given! (…But he still won’t win an Oscar for it.)
via The Daily Beast
Don’t linger too long, or you’re going to get a jealous text from Bradley Cooper: “Sorry, didn’t realize you were just going around hugging crotches willy-nilly. Where I’m from, a crotch-hug means something, slut.”
Award season usually brings us lots of actors pulling ‘serious contemplation face’, lots of actors talking about their craft (just typing that gave me such severe douche chills I had to put on a cardigan), and now, thanks to Vitalii Sediuk, we can also add to the list ‘lots of actors’s crotches getting blindsided by the Ukraine’s No.1 professional crotch-snuggler’. The last time we saw Vitalii, he was nose-deep in B-Coops nut sack; this time he set his signs on ambushing Leonardo DiCaprio on the red carpet at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival. As I started to watch the video, I sat nervously hoping he didn’t pull a Will Smith and deliver a roundhouse kick to Vitalii’s face, but thankfully he laughed it off. Meanwhile, check out the blonde woman. Jesus lady, calm thafuck down; he’s hugging his legs, not ripping the balls off with his teeth. If Arnie Grape is cool with it, we’re all cool with it.
Hopefully this isn’t the last we see of Vitalii Sediuk, because I’ve already placing bets in my Oscar pool of who’s crotch he’s going to hug next. Right now it’s 5-1 odds on Bruce Dern,10-1 on Chiwetel Ejiofor, and even-odds he hugs Matthew McConaughey’s crotch and faints (“Why does it smell like Corona and low tide at the ocean?”)
Here’s more of Leo, Martin Scorsese, and Big Poppa Waffles (aka Jonah Hill) arriving at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival. And for no reason but ALAGANCE, I’ve also included a side of Karina Smirnoff, who arrived looking like she’d be more comfortable in a Sochi nightclub showing high-level members of the IOC a good time:
While watching The Wolf of Wall Street, if you did a line of coke whenever one of the characters did a line, you’d be filled with so much coke that a Lohan would sniff you out from hundreds of miles away, attack you, crack open one of your veins and snort the high out of you. The coke was played by Vitamin B in that shit and they snorted a lot of it. But apparently, Charlie Sheen’s favorite breakfast dish has never been up Leonardo DiCaprio’s nose. Page Six says that some “excitable” fan came up to Leo at BAFTA LA’s Golden Globes pre-party on Saturday night and joked that snorting all that fake coke must’ve made him break up with coke forever. Leo dropped enough eye rolling fuel to keep your eyes rolling for a long ass time.
Excitable female fan: “I bet playing that role put you off cocaine forever!”
Leo: “I’ve never done it in real life.”
Leonardo DiCaprio lives in an unreal fantasy world where he can order a new Victoria’s Secret model just by making a phone call and coke water spills out of the diamond-encrusted platinum faucet in his bathroom, so yeah, he was kind of telling the truth since bitch doesn’t live a real life.
I once went to a party that a friend threw and ho was obviously coked up. Her eyes were jittery, her breath smelled like blended dead bodies and she was dancing to an Usher song (that’s the giveaway right there). I asked her, “Are you coked up?” She goes, “No! Why would you ask that?” Bitch was lying! Coke is lie powder! Leo was probably coked all the way up and by ,“I’ve never done it in real life,” he meant, “I just did some off of a model’s asshole in the men’s bathroom.”
And if you haven’t seen that Wolf of Wall Street shit, I recommend seeing it in a theater full of oldies in Palm Springs. That’s where I saw it. The pacemakers were going off and old hos were having heart attacks every time a shaved crotch or a bare nipple popped up on the screen. The best part of my 18-hour experience was when Leo snorted coke out of a hooker’s ass and the old dude next to me says to his wife, “Oh heaven’s! Really? Really? You wanted to see this?” I’d like to think that movie brought them closer together. Afterward, they got into their white Deville, bought some coke from a street dealer and then the old dude cut it with a little crushed Centrium Silver before snorting it out of his wife’s ass. That reignited their love again. Snorting coke out of your spouse’s ass is so much better than renewing your vows.
There have been so many damn premieres of Martin Scorsese films starring Leonardo DiCaprio that at this point, Leo probably just turns to Lukas Haas and rolls his eyes saying, “Put on something nice, honey. It’s date night.” Leo dusted off the rat’s ass he pulls out right before Oscar season to attend the premiere of Wolf of Wall Street in New York City last night, looking a little pudding pie in the face.
Whoever dressed Leo’s co-star Matthew McConaughey should be nominated for all the awards in the category of tailoring a suit that transforms the wearer from a T. rex to the Swedish Chef in the arms. I had to double check to make sure those weren’t fake hands poking out of the sleeves of Matthew’s Colonel-Sanders-as-a-bridegroom suit. All he needs to complete the look is a ribbon bow tie and Leo’s facial hair.
Here are more pics from the premiere last night. Besides Leo and Matty with his wife Camila Alves, also pictured is Jonah Hill (who needs to reel in that creepy fangirl look), hottie Kyle Chandler who I had shamefully forgotten about, Margot Robbie and Martin Scorsese (and his eyebrows, which really should get top billing on all his films).