About a month ago, Leonardo DiCaprio’s people sent out a Morse code message from the communications deck of Leo’s snapper trapping yacht, The S. S. Snatch Catcher, to silence the rumor that he was sticking his dirty hobo dick in Rihanna by claiming that he was still single. And now it’s RiRi’s turn to do the same.
During a recent interview with Hello! (via The Daily Mail), Princess Ooh Na Na was asked: “How does Rihanna DiCaprio sound to you?“, because I suppose the sneaky sleuths at Hello! were trying to trick her into admitting that she was still picking Leo’s bloated beard lice off her pillowcases. Unfortunately for them, RiRi is smarter than the average intergalactic stripper princess, and she responded:
“It sounds to me like you should stay away from the blogs because they will screw you every time. I’m so busy right now that I just don’t have a lot of time to offer to a man, so it wouldn’t even be fair to be thinking of pulling somebody else into this life. But if I did, he would have to be man enough to live with my schedule and not get scared.”
So there you have it. RiRi is too busy to be cruising around the world on Leo’s floating fuck pad. But back to that Rihanna DiCaprio business. What the hell kind of dumb ass question was that? How does Rihanna DiCaprio sound? DUH – it sounds terrible! Rihanna is like Cher or Snoopy – she doesn’t need a last name. Rihanna isn’t tied down to a man OR a last name.
Well, I guess every gang needs their own Anybodys.
Seen above wearing an armpit merkin since Magic Nursery dolls can’t grow body hair, Justin Bieber may have bro fisted and made up with Leonardo DiCatchAHo after the latter cheered and laughed when the former got punched out by beautiful porcelain elf Orlando Bloom in Ibiza. On Saturday night, the leader of the doucheified Brat Pack apparently partied with Leonardo DiCatchAHo at 1Oak in West Hollywood and they were seen leaving together along with a bunch of women. Poor Lukas Haas. He was probably forced to take an Uber because the Biebs’ car seat took up so much space in Leo’s ho mobile.
I don’t understand this. Thanks to that raggedy ass beard, Leonardo DiCatchAHo looks like a creepy drifter who eats earth worms and peeps on ladies squat pissing in rest stop bathrooms, but he can still get ass. He’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo! He doesn’t need the Biebs. Maybe Leo mistook the Biebs for one of the chicks’ kid and he let the little brat tag along since he’s got a supervised play area in his mansion for situations like this. Or maybe Leo’s game is getting a little rusty and he’s hanging out with the Biebs because he knows that ladies love babies. If that’s the case, he should’ve gotten a puppy instead. They’re also lady magnets, but their bark is less annoying than the Biebs’ voice, they’re easier to house train and usually at some point they graduate from humping your leg.
And here’s some Hi-Res, crystal clear pictures of Leo leaving DBA last night with a new set of chicks. The Biebs didn’t come out, because an episode of Nicky, Ricky, Dicky and Dawn he hadn’t seen was on.
Leonardo DiCatchAHo doesn’t really release statements about his personal life, because if he shat up a response every time the tabloids said he was rubbing his sex parts on a new trick, he’d have to hire a 10-person PR team since he’s always rubbing his sex parts on a new trick. But after TMZ posted pictures of RiRi and Leo standing next to each other at her birthday party and said that they were close all night, his rep told The Los Angeles Times in a statement that he is one hundred percent single and has been single for months.
A rep for DiCaprio told the Los Angeles Times that the actor “is single and has been for some time,” adding that he’s “been focused shooting” Oscar-winning director Alejandro G. Inarritu’s adventure drama “The Revenant” in Canada “for months.”
As Lainey points out, Leonardo kept his lips shut when it was rumored that he did sex with Miranda Kerr while she was still married to Orlando Bloom. So Lainey thinks he might not want people to think that he’s dating RiRi full-time and might be embarrassed. Um, the only thing Leonardo should be embarrassed about is that wombat’s ass on his face. It was reported that RiRi and Leonardo are keeping it casual (aka are just fuck buddies who toke and bone), so maybe he is technically single. Or maybe TMZ is right and RiRi is a stage 10 clinger and this statement is Leo’s way of letting her know that he’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo and his dick is tied isn’t tied down to any one cooch.
Whatever the case may be, every Victoria’s Secret executive just pulled themselves off of the puddle of tears they made and smiled for the first time in weeks, because there’s a chance that Leo will start humping a VS Angel once again.
Finally, There’s Photographic Proof That Leonardo DiCatchAHo And RiRi Have Stood Next To Each Other At A Party
After weeks and weeks of rumors that RiRi’s coochie is eating up Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s dick fromage, TMZ says that they have picture proof that she’s boning his Orson Welles-looking ass.
So far, we’ve just had story after story of how RiRi’s punane is touching the peen that has touched a thousand model vaginas. They have never been photographed together and some were starting to think that the whole relationship was some kind of fanfiction that the tabloids shat up. But TMZ says that RiRi and Leonardo have been fuck buddies for about 3 months and that they’re keeping it casual. At RiRi’s birthday party, which Leo threw, the two of them got into some public displays of ”getting cozy” and that she’s the one who seems more hard up. A source (Hi, Lukas Haas!) tells TMZ that there were dozens of hos at RiRi’s party, but the only ho she wanted to spend time with was Leo.
We’re told Leo is affectionate enough — they engaged in plenty of PDA — but he could barely get a moment to himself. As one source put it, “she’s the baddest bitch in the party, but she’s following him everywhere.”
Getting a case of stage 10 dickmatization over Leonardo circa 2003, okay, but current day Leonardo?! I mean, her chocha probably coughs up beard fleas after he eats her out and she’s still swooning over him? File that under: You know you’re dickmatized in a serious, serious way when…
And here’s TMZ’s proof that these two are rubbing genitals:
Leonardo DiCaprio & Rihanna — First Photo!! Banging, But It's a Little One-Sided http://t.co/lv0FWYeU8S
— TMZ (@TMZ) March 2, 2015
They’re standing next to each other while she lights what is probably a blunt so that obviously means they’re fucking. But are we even sure that’s Leo? I mean, it could be Jonah Hill or maybe that hobo who is always outside of my Fresh and Easy and tells me I’m going to hell every time I don’t give him money. I know, he needs to tell me something I don’t know. With that said, RihNardo are the couple that random burped up and I am here for that.
Everyone jokes about how Leonardo DiCaprio is the Susan Lucci of the Oscars, and how he probably had his basement made up to look like the stage of the Dolby Theater so that when he’s feeling down he can pretend to accept an Academy Award while the 18-year-old models he’s going to fuck later sit naked in the audience. Leo is so hard up for Oscar that every now and again he makes one of his tricks-of-the-moment paint herself up like a gold Oscar statue before they get it on. And yes, he cries afterward when he realizes he might never ever have his own real-life Oscar statue. I figured that Leonardo would eventually stop fucking around and hire a screenwriter to write a 3-hour-long movie about an anorexic, paraplegic, blind man with Tourette’s who was an undercover agent against the Nazis during World War II. Leo didn’t do that, but instead he’s coming for that Oscar by playing ALL the roles in one movie.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Leonardo’s production company is producing a movie called The Crowded Room. The Crowded Room is the real-life story of Billy Milligan, a man with 24 different personalities who successfully used multiple personality disorder as a defense in a court of law. It’s like Sybil as re-written by John Grisham. Leonardo has apparently been trying to play Billy Milligan for 20 years. Leonardo will also produce and writers have already been hired. The movie is based on the book by Daniel Keyes.
Published in 1981, Keyes’ book chronicles Milligan’s story, including his court trial in the late 1970s in Ohio after being charged with robbery and raping three women on the Ohio State University campus.
In the preparation of his defense, Milligan — who died in December 2014 — was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. Pleading insanity, he and his lawyers contended that two of his alternate personalities committed the crimes without his knowledge. He was the first to use this defense, and the first to be acquitted for this reason.
Milligan’s various personalities included Adalana, a lesbian taking responsibility for the rapes; Ragen, a Yugoslavian communist who admitted to the robbery; and Arthur, an uptight Englishman.
Leonardo is serious this time. He’s playing a woman, a communist AND Benedict Cumberbatch. When all else fails, play every possible Oscar bait-y role in the same movie. I’m sure Leonardo will be so good that the Academy will have no choice but to nominate him for Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress! He’ll win them all! Or, this will happen:
“And the Oscar for Best Actor goes to…. Rob Schneider for The Hot Chick 2!”
That’s probably what’s going to happen.
About five minutes ago, Leonardo DiCaprio was supposedly holding a birthday candle between his hairy ass cheeks for his piece-of-the-moment RiRi to blow out. Well, if you believe Life & Style (which you TOTALLY should), he has pressed pause on doing RiRi to hit on the human form of a Katie Holmes yawn.
A source (Hi, Dakota Johnson’s publicist) tells Life & Style that at the after-party for Saturday Night Live’s 40th anniversary at The Plaza Hotel, Leonardo pretty much ignored RiRi and went after Dakota Johnson. I guess he just really had a craving for room-temperature tap water served in a soggy Dixie cup. The source went on to say that the Ghost of Jack Nicholson’s past wrapped his arm around Dakota and as she breathed in the aroma of rotten milk wafting off of his beard, he took her celebrity watching. The source dribbled out this stream of fanfiction that was probably written by E.J. James during her off time.
“He put his arm around Dakota and led her into the grand ballroom. He told her, ‘Let’s go look at all the celebrities.’ Dakota looked like she was trying to play it cool, but you could tell she was thrilled to have his attention. Out of everyone he socialized with, Leo seemed to be the happiest when he was with Dakota. As they walked away, Leo took the lead and guided her through the crowd, and a small smile spread across her face.”
But what happened next?! I need to know what happens next in Fifty Shades of Dick Cheese! The best line is “Let’s go look at all the celebrities.” I bet Leo grabbed her hand and led her to the petting area where they played with Andy Samberg’s ears and gently stroked Zach Galifianakis’ beard. After that, they bought some popcorn, sat on a bench and fed celebrities. It was fun and games until Miley Cyrus got overly excited and twerked on Dakota’s face. Who the hell says, “Let’s go look at all the celebrities“? I don’t think Leonardo DiCaprio would use that as a pick-up line. All he has to say is, “Hello, I am Leonardo DiCaprio, let’s make sex.”
If this is true, then it really is a sad day for the Victoria’s Secret Angels. First we learn that they’re flying away from Victoria’s cheap ass, because they’re not getting paid as many millions as they used to. And now we learn that the biggest Angels collector has probably moved on to pop stars and bland actresses. How the mighty Angels have fallen!
Here’s some thrilling pictures of Dakota getting coffee and walking through JFK yesterday.
Well, that explains it; I always thought something in the slutty milk ain’t clean regarding the rumoured romance between perpetually horny extraterrestrial Rihanna and itchy-looking model-humping human Leonardo DiCaprio. For one thing, I thought it was weird that a creature from such a distinguished line of alien royalty as Princess Ooh-Na-Na would keep repeatedly hooking up with a dude who looks like a 66-year-old hippie’s overgrown nutsack. Also, it was my understanding that Jack Nicholson Jr.’s dick only got hard for sexy blonde panty-wearing praying mantis types.
As it turns out, my slutty suspicions might have been right, because the NY Daily News says that the reason RiRi and Leo have been spotted together so much lately is because Leo is trying to hook her up with one of his best friends, Richie Akiva. A “nightlife insider” (aka what Lindsay Lohan puts down under OCCUPATION when she does her taxes) says that Leo has been acting as Richie’s wingman and explained RiRi’s relationship with Richie as follows:
“If they’re not dating, they’re hanging out, you know?” a prominent nightlife insider tells us with a wink.
“With a wink” – it appears my sassy Great Aunt Gladys has been moonlighting as a ‘prominent nightlife insider’. After she winked, did she then add: “I ain’t tellin’ tales out of school, but those two have been makin’ whoopee all over town!” But I am curious as to what Leo’s wingman game is. Probably some sort of ‘come for the dirtbag, stay for the dude who has a fresh tube of medicated cream’ thing.
And here’s RiRi going to the dentist yesterday dressed like some sort of sexy cold-weather lumberjack Frankenstein, if that’s something you need in your life:
I bet that’s the face she makes when she leans in close and smells his stank-ass beard.
It looks like the modern retelling of The Owl and the Pussycat (current working title: The Alien Princess and the Bedbug) that is the casual humping love affair between Rihanna and Leonardo DiCaprio might be back on again. The last time we checked in with Princess Ooh-Na-Na of the planet Nasty-6 and Jack Nicholson Jr., they were at a pre-Grammy party passing their bits to other people. It was truly a sad day for slut shippers like myself (I just wanna see two horny whores get together. Is that too much to ask?).
Then last night, a slutty Valentine’s Day Eve miracle happened. After RiRi attended a party celebrating the opening of Fendi’s flagship store in New York, she was spotted making a stop at Leo’s house around 1am. Then the Daily Mail says the two of them went to a club and partied till about 4am. They both left in separate cars, but something tells me both of those cars ended up at the boat slip where First Mate Lukas Haas keeps the S.S. Snatch Catcher docked.
So what does it all mean? Are RiRi and Leo a couple of star-crossed fuck lovers? Soul mates? Hole mates? Casual junk bumpers? Or are they just friends who like to hook up and get ripped at parties? If only their crotches could talk. Actually, if their crotches could talk, I’m sure they’d ask for a hot Epsom salts soak and a day off.
Here’s RiRi arriving at Leo’s, then Leo and RiRi leaving the club. I love that Leo is trying to go incognito by covering his beard with his hand as if that dirtbag pony tail of his isn’t a dead giveaway:
Just when you think the romantic interspecies love story between the alien ambassador of intergalactic space fucking Rihanna and perpetually horny human beard hair Leonardo DiCaprio could only get more romantic, he goes and proves that wild sluts are loyal to NO ONE, not even other wild sluts. Radar says that on Saturday night, Princess Ooh-Na-Na of the planet Nasty-6 and Leo DiCaprio both attended the same pre-Grammy party at 1Oak. But instead of rubbing their mouths on each other (as is custom between those two), Leo was caught rubbing his dirty cracker crumb-covered hobo beard all over the face of some random blonde model type. That far-away sound you just heard was the people of Nasty-6 weeping in sadness for their Princess.
An insider (a tiny coke-snorting mouse named Kai who lives in the walls of 1Oak) claims that while RiRi was hanging out with the owner at his table downstairs, Jack Nicholson Jr. was at a table a few feet away by the DJ booth making out with that yachtwrecking skank (Leo’s home is a boat, right?). The ‘insider’ doesn’t say whether or not RiRi was bothered by her former fuck partner mouth humping on a new lady, but I’m guessing either she didn’t care or she’s already forgotten she ever had a thing with him. “Leo who? Oh, you mean the boat dude who kept crying in his sleep about a dude named Oscar.”
Or maybe they’re still a down-low thing, but he was just making out with that random model because he had to. I would assume that after years of near-constant exposure to bony butt panty peddlers, his boner has become dependent on their energy and he needs to suck face with them to survive. It’s all science, really.
When it was revealed last week that humanized horny moan Rihanna had been caught mouth-humping on itchy-looking man slut Leonardo DiCaprio at the Playboy Mansion, most of us were shocked at two things: one, that the millions of random skanky bacterias haunting their mouths didn’t form one giant virus, and two, that Leo was kissing a woman who was born in the 80s. But according to UsWeekly (via Hollywood Life), we shouldn’t have been shocked at all, because these two have been boning for several years now.
A source claims that Jack Nicholson Jr. and Princess Ooh-Na-Na have been hooking up for years, and possible while they were seeing other people. “That’s why I kept finding denim stripper thongs in Leo’s beard” thought several hundred nameless panty models. “That’s why I kept finding dead bed bugs in her booty” gagged Drake. The source goes on to say that RiRi and Stinky the Boxcar Bum reconnected after he gave his bottom bony bitch, Toni Garrn, walking papers:
“After his breakup, Leo started texting Rihanna again. They decided to have some fun. Neither one is looking to make this anything more than fun. He’s into her, and they’re enjoying it.”
Allow me to translate: he’s getting his bindle stick wet with her intergalactic cooch juices, and nobody’s sleeping over. Get it, you perpetually-horny sluts.
And I like to imagine that every text Leo sends RiRi begins with the words “Hey girl, u awake? U want me to send Lukas Haas over in the dinghy to get u?“