Category: Leonardo DiCaprio

Panty Creamer Of The Day: Leonardo DiCaprio Giving You Body, Ponytail And Nasty Beard Hotness In Miami

July 21, 2014 / Posted by:

If you’re a 6’1″, 90lb blonde model who is under the age of OLD (read: 23) and always looking to come up, then it’s your lucky life, because there’s a really good chance that this hot, chunk of hairy, bloated hotness will climb on top of you and cover your body with his stank as his beard fleas jump onto your face. Lucky whore.

It’s Fashion Week in Miami right now and wherever there’s a large gathering of models, there’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo trolling around and looking for his next piece. Leo took a break from sitting front row at fashion shows and pointing at models while telling his people that he’ll take “one of those and one of those and one of those” to feed his hairy nipples and belly pouch some much needed Vitamin D on the beach. Leo is apparently growing out his hair, beard and body for a movie that’s shooting in September and no, I don’t know if he’s playing a bottom level Zach Galifianakis impersonator who can also impersonate Jack Nicholson for anyone who’s not picky and on a budget. Leo is once again proving that if you’re a famous millionaire, you can look like you smell like foreskin gouda, thick beard gravy and pit syrup and models will still throw their chocha at you. Not pictured: Lukas Haas hosing down all the models trying to throw their chochas at Leo while he’s having some “me time” on the beach.

And yes, I still, still would. Leo’s high ponytail and those back bangs that look like a hairy neck skirt are taking me higher.

Pics: FameFlynet, Splash

Leonardo DiCaprio Is Mad That Someone Is Trying To Sell An Autographed Picture Of Him And Nelson Mandela

July 18, 2014 / Posted by:

According to Page Six, Leonardo DiCaprio has a bee in his bonnet because an online memorabilia dealer called Moments In Time is trying to sell a signed photo of him with Nelson Mandela for $25,000. The photo was taken back in 2006 when Leo was filming Blood Diamond in South Africa. A year later, Nelson Mandela must have found it and decided to mail it to Leo along with the message: “To Leo DiCaprio, Best Wishes, Mandela, 4-8-07.” However, the picture was never mailed to Leo. Instead it somehow ended up in the hands of Moments In Time, where they decided to sell it, because it would be kind of a weird picture to have sitting on your mantle next to a photo of your kid’s soccer team and a portrait of the dog.

Once Leo was made aware of the photo’s existence on Tuesday, probably by Lukas Hass, who has nothing better to do all day than surf the net from his futon, Leo had his lawyer call up Gary Zimet, the owner of Moments In Time, and tell them to hand it over. But Gary is claiming “finders vs keepers” and told Leo’s lawyer that if he wants it so badly, he can buy it for $25,000. A source close to Leo (the talking ass cheeks of a Victoria’s Secret model) claims he might take Gary Zimet to court, saying:

“The photo is clearly not their property. He wants the picture. His lawyers are considering action.”

If he thinks that picture should be sitting in a pewter frame on top of a stack of Victoria’s Secret head shots on his desk and not being hustled for pennies online, then why doesn’t he just buy it? $25,000 is nothing to him – that’s like his weekly budget for Model’s Choice™ massage oil. Besides, $25k is a small price to pay for such a great picture of Nelson Mandela. Look at him working that sassy silver shirt! I bet he’s strutting around in that chic silver shirt up in Heaven and making all the angels swoon.


Leonardo DiCaprio Refused To Let Justin Bieber Party With Him In Cannes

June 12, 2014 / Posted by:

If your b-hole is still recovering from the warm tingles it got after hearing about Leonardo DiCaprio refusing to share the same air with the Keeping Up With The Kardashians kamera krew at a party two weeks ago, then you better stop reading right now, because this story will make you feel like you sat on a dildo made of Extra Strength Icy Hot. Star says that while he was in Cannes last month, Leo decided to catch some hos at Gotha nightclub (don’t get excited; I checked, and, no, it’s not a Gothika-themed nightclub). As it so happened, the toilet-clogging used tampon of Canada Justin Bieber was also in the same club, most likely searching for someone to warm his bottle and read Goodnight Moon.

According to a source (hey Lukas Haas!) a shirtless Justin spotted Leo from across the room and had his bodyguard push through the crowd to get to where Leo was sitting with his harem of bony 20-year-old models in the VIP area. Justin’s bodyguard (the toughest 4th grader he knows) then asked Leo if he’d be interested in pulling up a highchair and letting Baby Bieber join him at his table. Of course, Leo would rather fuck an underwear model from the Sears catalogue than spend two seconds with Vanilla Ice Cream Cone, so he shook his head “OF COURSE NOT, BITCH” and shooed his bodyguard away. In case you didn’t glean that Leo has as much use for a Bieber as he does a Kardashian, the source says this:

“He thinks Justin’s a little twit. Leo doesn’t want or need photo ops with publicity-hungry, manufactured pop stars.” 

As if. The real reason Leo didn’t want that swaggy tonsil stone around is because that greedy pussy-hoarder was afraid Justin would swoop in with his sessy dirt stache and snatch up one of his beloved Victoria’s Secret Angels, forcing Leo to sleep on a bed of 7 naked models instead of his regular 8 that evening. Even though they only weight about 90 lbs each, if one of his pretty panty hustlers is missing from the pile, he has to re-arrange them all and move the blonde one from the bottom and the other blonde one to the middle, and it’s impossible for him to get a good night’s sleep if he’s playing Pussy Tetris all night long.

Pic: FameFlynet

Leonardo DiCaprio Refused To Be Filmed For Satan’s Favorite Reality Show

June 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Before you start gathering your things in response to what sounds like first sign of the apocalypse, please be assured that, no, Pimp Mama Kris hasn’t sunk her claws into Leonardo DiCaprio by sending Khloe Kardashian over to his house in a pair of Victoria’s Secret angel wings and a rag soaked in ether. Page Six says that Leo decided to catch some hos at Frankie Delgado’s birthday party on Sunday with professional famous friend Lukas Haas. Upon arrival, he began scanning the crowd for skinny 20-year-old model ass like a bony butt-hunting T-1000, and noticed that the DJ was sometime Kardashian step-brother Brody Jenner. Next to Brody was his brother Brandon Jenner, as well as the flawless shimmering jewel in the Kardashian Krown, Bruce Jenner.

That’s when the fog of booze and coke cleared from Leo’s bloated horny lizard brain and he realized they were filming an episode of Keeping Up With Lucifer’s Low-Klass Trash. A source claims he and Lukas refused to enter the party for fear of being filmed for KUWTK and chose to wait outside until the filming was over. Wow, you know your shit stinks when it’s able to keep Leo away from the ladies. 

Page Six also says Paris Hilton arrived at the party and pulled a 180 just like Leo because she didn’t want anything to do with KUWTK either. Although in defence of the KUWTK film crew, they probably wouldn’t have filmed her anyways, since they have enough footage of Z-list has-beens left over from Kim and Kanye’s wedding.

And I don’t think Leo left because he didn’t want his Academy Award-nominated face to appear in such low-level garbage as KUWTK. I think he was forced to make a quick exit after getting the dizzy, light-headed feeling that comes from gazing upon Bruce Jenner’s breathtaking beauty. It probably gave him flashbacks to the fish tank scene in Romeo + Juliet.

Pic: Splash

And Here’s Leonardo DiCaprio Busting Out Some Sweet, Sweet Moves To MGMT At Coochella…

April 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Everything about this video is a beautiful mess from Leonardo DiCatchAHo awkwardly dancing like a nervous dad at the high school prom he’s chaperoning to the girl who shot this making an “AAAAH!!!!“ face to the molly in his system finally kicking in as he lets out some kind of strange Mortal Kombat raver dance with his friend. I don’t whether they’re dancing, fight dancing, having a strange reaction to the Ecstasy they took (but isn’t every reaction to Ecstasy, a strange reaction?) or doing some kind of dude bro ritual dance. I did keep waiting for Red Bull to fall from the skies.

It starts out with Leo flirting with the beat and bopping like a sober pepaw with a bad hip, but then it cuts to him letting it all go and jumping, kicking and punching the beat and giving the hos at Coachella a real show. Leo and his friend are the lone members of the loneliest mosh pit ever. And if you’re thinking that there’s no way that’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo since a bored-looking Victoria’s Secret Angel is not at least 10 feet away from him, it is his ass apparently.

No, they aren’t covering their mouths like frat boy ninjas because Lindsay Lohan is there and they heard she wasn’t wearing panties, there was a dust storm.

And this is the greatest performance Leonardo has ever given! (…But he still won’t win an Oscar for it.)

via The Daily Beast

The Celebrity Peen Hugger Strikes Again!

February 7, 2014 / Posted by:

Don’t linger too long, or you’re going to get a jealous text from Bradley Cooper: “Sorry, didn’t realize you were just going around hugging crotches willy-nilly. Where I’m from, a crotch-hug means something, slut.”

Award season usually brings us lots of actors pulling ‘serious contemplation face’, lots of actors talking about their craft (just typing that gave me such severe douche chills I had to put on a cardigan), and now, thanks to Vitalii Sediuk, we can also add to the list ‘lots of actors’s crotches getting blindsided by the Ukraine’s No.1 professional crotch-snuggler’. The last time we saw Vitalii, he was nose-deep in B-Coops nut sack; this time he set his signs on ambushing Leonardo DiCaprio on the red carpet at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival. As I started to watch the video, I sat nervously hoping he didn’t pull a Will Smith and deliver a roundhouse kick to Vitalii’s face, but thankfully he laughed it off. Meanwhile, check out the blonde woman. Jesus lady, calm thafuck down; he’s hugging his legs, not ripping the balls off with his teeth. If Arnie Grape is cool with it, we’re all cool with it.

Hopefully this isn’t the last we see of Vitalii Sediuk, because I’ve already placing bets in my Oscar pool of who’s crotch he’s going to hug next. Right now it’s 5-1 odds on Bruce Dern,10-1 on Chiwetel Ejiofor, and even-odds he hugs Matthew McConaughey’s crotch and faints (“Why does it smell like Corona and low tide at the ocean?”)

Here’s more of Leo, Martin Scorsese, and Big Poppa Waffles (aka Jonah Hill) arriving at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival. And for no reason but ALAGANCE, I’ve also included a side of Karina Smirnoff, who arrived looking like she’d be more comfortable in a Sochi nightclub showing high-level members of the IOC a good time:

(Pics: Wenn)

Leonardo DiCaprio Claims He’s Never Done Coke

January 14, 2014 / Posted by:

While watching The Wolf of Wall Street, if you did a line of coke whenever one of the characters did a line, you’d be filled with so much coke that a Lohan would sniff you out from hundreds of miles away, attack you, crack open one of your veins and snort the high out of you. The coke was played by Vitamin B in that shit and they snorted a lot of it. But apparently, Charlie Sheen’s favorite breakfast dish has never been up Leonardo DiCaprio’s nose. Page Six says that some “excitable” fan came up to Leo at BAFTA LA’s Golden Globes pre-party on Saturday night and joked that snorting all that fake coke must’ve made him break up with coke forever. Leo dropped enough eye rolling fuel to keep your eyes rolling for a long ass time.

Excitable female fan: “I bet playing that role put you off cocaine forever!”

Leo: “I’ve never done it in real life.”

Leonardo DiCaprio lives in an unreal fantasy world where he can order a new Victoria’s Secret model just by making a phone call and coke water spills out of the diamond-encrusted platinum faucet in his bathroom, so yeah, he was kind of telling the truth since bitch doesn’t live a real life.

I once went to a party that a friend threw and ho was obviously coked up. Her eyes were jittery, her breath smelled like blended dead bodies and she was dancing to an Usher song (that’s the giveaway right there). I asked her, “Are you coked up?” She goes, “No! Why would you ask that?” Bitch was lying! Coke is lie powder!  Leo was probably coked all the way up and by ,“I’ve never done it in real life,” he meant, “I just did some off of a model’s asshole in the men’s bathroom.

And if you haven’t seen that Wolf of Wall Street shit, I recommend seeing it in a theater full of oldies in Palm Springs. That’s where I saw it. The pacemakers were going off and old hos were having heart attacks every time a shaved crotch or a bare nipple popped up on the screen. The best part of my 18-hour experience was when Leo snorted coke out of a hooker’s ass and the old dude next to me says to his wife, “Oh heaven’s! Really? Really? You wanted to see this?” I’d like to think that movie brought them closer together. Afterward, they got into their white Deville, bought some coke from a street dealer and then the old dude cut it with a little crushed Centrium Silver before snorting it out of his wife’s ass. That reignited their love again. Snorting coke out of your spouse’s ass is so much better than renewing your vows.

Leonardo DiCaprio Brought The Hot To The Wolf Of Wall Street Premiere

December 18, 2013 / Posted by:

There have been so many damn premieres of Martin Scorsese films starring Leonardo DiCaprio that at this point, Leo probably just turns to Lukas Haas and rolls his eyes saying, “Put on something nice, honey. It’s date night.” Leo dusted off the rat’s ass he pulls out right before Oscar season to attend the premiere of Wolf of Wall Street in New York City last night, looking a little pudding pie in the face.

Whoever dressed Leo’s co-star Matthew McConaughey should be nominated for all the awards in the category of tailoring a suit that transforms the wearer from a T. rex to the Swedish Chef in the arms. I had to double check to make sure those weren’t fake hands poking out of the sleeves of Matthew’s Colonel-Sanders-as-a-bridegroom suit. All he needs to complete the look is a ribbon bow tie and Leo’s facial hair.

Here are more pics from the premiere last night. Besides Leo and Matty with his wife Camila Alves, also pictured is Jonah Hill (who needs to reel in that creepy fangirl look), hottie Kyle Chandler who I had shamefully forgotten about, Margot Robbie and Martin Scorsese (and his eyebrows, which really should get top billing on all his films).

(Pics: Splash)

Leonardo DiCaprio Almost Stuck It In Bobbie Brown’s Cherry Pie

November 15, 2013 / Posted by:

Bobbie Brown, Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” video ho, wrote a book called Dirty Rocker Boys in which she chronicles the aftermath of her volatile relationship with Tommy Lee. I know, I know- if you’ve heard one long shlong Tommy Lee story, you’ve heard them all, but the real story lies with other men Bobbie talks about in her book after her hot mess relationship with Tommy went to shit and he suddenly married Pamela Anderson. Bobbie did what any scorned woman worth her salt does- she went trolling for some new dick.

The Daily Mail has excerpts where she writes about Stephen Dorff offending her delicate sensibilities by using, “So, do you wanna go back to my house and fuck? (that sound you hear is Blade fangirls from 2005 tripping over themselves screaming “YES!!”) and Kevin Costner kicking her ass out after she almost burned his bedroom down with a cigarette. Both those are kind of tame and not quite up to revenge fuck standards, but Bobbie’s description of nearly sexing on Leonardo DiCaprio, when he was 19 makes up for it a little.

They put on TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, started kissing and undressing themselves on her bed.

Brown writes: ‘I unbuttoned his jeans and tugged down on his boxers. When I saw made me gasp. It made no sense. The kid put Tommy Lee to shame’.

Then DiCaprio dropped the question which almost killed the mood, she claims. ‘So Bobbie, do you have any diseases? Also what about gonorrhea? Have you been tested for that?’

Okay, “Waterfalls” isn’t the worst thing to listen to when grinding on someone in the dark. It beats listening to the radio and having a Corn Nuts “Bust A Nut” commercial come on. THAT shit kills the mood. Thinking of Leo having a roll of Pillsbury cookie dough bouncing between his legs is pretty gross and sounds like total bullshit. The real question here is who the hell waits until the pants are off to ask about gonorrhea of all damn things? I’ve never been a huge fan of Leo, but I may make it my life’s mission to hunt him down and give him the gift that keeps on giving, Giant Microbe-style.

Boobie (whatever) said Leo gave her tingles in her special place but that they never sealed the deal because he made her feel bad about their age difference.

‘Waves of satisfaction rippled through my body. If only Tommy Lee could see me now. He was a unicorn. Rare, innocent, and horny. Me, on the other hand, I’d been engaged, married and had given birth. I needed a man, not a man-child’.

So Leo’s a horny unicorn? Awesome. The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show just became a lot more interesting if you imagine Leo lurking backstage wearing this as one of his disguises, surveying the models and waiting for the perfect moment to send Lukas Haas up to one to whisper, “There’s a six month contract in it for you if you can prove you’ve tested clean recently and don’t mind me sitting in the corner furiously masturbating while crying”.

(Leo photo via Interview)

George Clooney On Russell Crowe, Leonardo DiCatchAHo, His Main Homegirl Brad Pitt And Twitter

November 10, 2013 / Posted by:

In the December issue of Esquire (via The Daily Mail), George Clooney his eyeballs at that fake bitch Russell Crowe, shows no love for Leonardo DiCaprio’s Pussy Posse and draws a heart around a picture of his forever bromate Brad Pitt.

A few years ago, bloated walrus Russell Crowe figuratively threw a hotel phone at George’s head when he called Clooney a sellout for getting a quick check by filming foreign commercials. Russell also called George a Frank Sinatra wannabe. George told Esquire that Russell later tried to apologize by sending him a book of poetry (the fuck?) and pulled his dick all the way by saying he was misquoted. George was not impressed with Russell’s little fake apology and probably used the pages from that book of poetry to wipe down his just-used strap-on.

“And that’s when he really went off on me. ‘Who the fuck does this guy think he is? He’s a Frank Sinatra wannabe.’ He really went after me. The truth is that [Russell Crowe] did send me a book of poems to apologize for insulting the shit out of me, which he did. I think he said “I was misquoted” and I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”‘

You know George made a W with his fingers when he said “whatever.” I always thought George was more of a Dionne, but I guess he’s more of an Ambular.

After George finished calling out Russell, he spilled some shit about Leo. George and his friends once played a basketball game against Leo and the Pussy Posse. Before the game, the Pussy Posse said they were going to “kick some ass.” George didn’t like this and let out a cackle when he and his friends won 11-0.

“And the discrepancy between their game and how they talked about their game made me think of how important it is to have someone in your life to tell you what’s what. I’m not sure if Leo has someone like that.”

Yeah, I’m sure Leo surrounds himself with ass-sucking hos who tell him that his farts smell like strawberries and cream, but so does George (see: Sarah Larson, Stacy Keibler, that other one, that other one and the other ones I am so not going to Google) I’m sure AND it was just a damn game of basketball. It’s not that serious. George acts like a stupid game of  basketball is as sacred as a game of Mall Madness.

When George finished slightly dragging Leo and Russell, he blew air kisses at Brad for suffering through all the re-shoots for World War Z (WHY WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE RICH MALE MOVIE STARS?!!!). And George said this about why he’s not on Twatter:

“Why on God’s green earth would you be in Twitter? I mean, when you see, like, Ashton Kutcher coming out and going, you know, “Everybody leave Joe Paterno alone,” or whatever he said, you just go “Fifteen minutes longer and a thought process and probably you wouldn’t have done that.”

…IN Twitter?” George just has to tell me that my gut doesn’t look as big as usual and he’d officially be my mom. IN Twitter!

I can’t co-sign everything that spilled out of George’s mouth, but I love it when grown rich dudes talk shit about each other. Fuck the GOOP vs. Vanity Fair feud. This award season is going to be all about watching George throw bitchy mean girl looks at those skanks Leo and Russell. I can’t wait for the Golden Globes when the camera will pan to George and Russell coldly hugging in the audience as George says to Russell, “Ew, I can totally see your split ends.” And George is totally going to try to steal Lukas Haas from Leo and if Danielle Spencer wasn’t 10 years too old, he’d try to snatch her away from Russell and hire her as his award season escort.

Here’s George and others (including Lupita Nyong’o, Borat, Ralph Fiennes and Kelly Rowland’s tits) at the BAFTA LA Britannia Awards last night.

Pics: Splash,

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