More hacked Sony emails have been released, and while they don’t get much juicier than Scott Rudin calling Dame St. Angie a “minimally-talented spoiled brat” (I wonder what he calls her off the record? My money is on “Jon Voight’s dumb vampire-looking daughter“), they do reveal that Amal Clooney’s actor husband George was a sad panda after he read all the bad reviews of his film The Monuments Men. According to Page Six, one of the recent leaks was an email George sent to Amy Pascal with the subject line “It’s getting worse“. In it, he cries to Amy that the reviews for the film he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in were so bad, he was losing precious beauty sleep:
“I need some protection from all the reviews. Let’s just make it a hit. I haven’t slept in 30 hours. And it’s 7 am.”
I hope the second Amy got that email, she rushed over to his house with a Costco-sized tub of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and a DVD copy of One Fine Day to cheer him up. Poor Georgie – some people didn’t like his movie! I think that’s the rich celebrity equivalent of not being asked to the prom. Amy did email George back, explaining that would “get revenge” by making money off the film, and George responded in true George Clooney style:
“I adore you Amy. You are literally the only person running a studio that loves film. I fear I’ve let you all down. Not my intention. I apologize. I’ve just lost touch… Who knew? Sorry. I won’t do it again.”
Damn, I think I just fell in love with George Clooney (“ONE OF US! ONE OF US!” chanted the C’loonies). Listen to George, trying to charm the pants off Amy Pascal. Unfortunately, not everyone is as good at kissing Amy’s ass; those leaked emails also revealed that there’s a certain bony booty hunter who has a reputation for being a thoughtless asshole. That’s right! Joining Dame St. Angie on the Sony Shit List is Leonardo DiCaprio.
Leonardo DiCaprio Took 20 Girls Home After An Art Basel Party This Weekend, Because Of Course He Did
Yes, THAT Leonardo DiCaprio – seen above at an Art Basel party last week looking like bedbugs and hot ball stink – was the one who took home 20 girls. I mean, 11, 12 tops, but 20? The universe is a mystery.
There have been rumors going around since September that the CEO of PussyHounds Inc. had given walking papers to his bottom bitch Toni Garrn, and now it sounds like it might actually be true. Either that or they have a very very open door policy on their relationship. According to the NY Daily News, Leo was spotted partying with a large group of friends that included Joe Jonas (really Leo?) and Brandon Davis (ew Leo, NO), as well as a whole mess of bony butt model types at the 1 Oak pop-up at Art Basel on Saturday night. A source says that when it was time to leave, Leo left with every girl in the VIP area – 20 of them, to be exact:
“He left with 20 girls. Leo and 20 girls. He is my hero,” our awestruck snitch says. “He was overflowing with models everywhere. The Jonas brother looked scared, like he was going to drown and suffocate in the women. His face was hilarious.”
Why did I just picture that “awestruck snitch” as a dude in a white polo shirt named either Brad or Chad who describes everything as “tight”?
Even though Leo spent most of his trip to Miami up to his eyeballs in model pussy, the NY Daily Mail says Toni Garrn couldn’t take the hint and was desperately chasing Leo around like Wayne’s crazy ex-girlfriend Stacy from Wayne’s World. Sources say they’re officially broken up, but Toni kept following Leo from party to party. Toni, no! That horny hobo ain’t worth it!
And no word on what Leo did with those 20 skanks from the VIP, but my guess is he brought them aboard his yacht, the S.S. Snatch Catcher, had his unpaid intern Lukas Haas arrange them in a cozy 20-person pussy pile, crawled into the middle, took a nap, and had that dream where he wins an Oscar.
Here’s Leo in Miami before he took 20 women home from the club looking like an old timey prospector crossed with a frat boy:
I know it looks like Leonardo DiCaprio is flashing some kind of bearded hobo gang sign, but that’s actually how he orders models. “Two please! I’m thinking something from 1992, blonde…aw hell, it’s my birthday – surprise me! NOTHING OLDER THAN 25, YOU HEAR ME???”
It was the President of the Pussy Posse’s 40th birthday yesterday, so he had his assistant Lukas Haas dock the yacht (the S. S. Snatch Catcher) so he could celebrate with his friends at the Soho House in West Hollywood. But when he arrived, Leo was greeted by something far more wonderful and important than friends: bony-assed panty models! According to TMZ, Leo’s guest list included a bunch of his friends like Tyrese, Russell Simmons, Robin Thicke (ew Leo no), and then a shitload of models. A source tells TMZ that they estimate the guest list was about 80% models.
80% may seen like a lot, but just remember – models take up a lot less space. So if you want the room to look full, you’ve got to really pack them in. Besides, a 5:1 model-to-guest ratio isn’t nearly enough for a seasoned pussy hound like Leo. Leo probably arrived at Soho House, scanned the room like a booty-hunting T-1000, calculated a paltry pussy count of 80%, and promptly slapped Lukas Haas across the face while screaming “80? 80? WHERE’S THE OTHER 20?!?”
Obviously there were no cameras allowed inside Leo’s birthday party, but here are some of the non-model guests leaving last night, including sexy humanoid Eggo waffle Jonah Hill, Joel Edgerton, and vinegar-based life-form Adam Levine:
Kate Winslet Says The Reason She’s Still Friends With Leo DiCaprio Is Because She Never Humped On His DiCrotchrio
Kate Winslet and the booty bounty hunter Leo DiCaprio have been friends for a million years, which always felt sort of odd to me, since it was my impression that Leo has a strict hump-and-dump policy when it comes to the ladies in his life. Well, Kate recently explained to Marie Claire UK (via HuffPo) that that is exactly the reason why they’re still friends. You can’t dump what you never humped! Leo never plunged his iceberg into the hull of Kate’s ship, and he never will! And yes I just made a Titanic joke in 2014; pray for me.
“I think the reason that friendship works is because there was never any romantic thing. It’s so disappointing for people to hear that, because in the soap opera of the Kate and Leo story we fell in love at first sight and had a million snogs, but actually we never did. He always saw me as one of the boys. I’ve never really been a girly-girl.”
Let’s just address the most important part of that quote: SNOGS. The most wonderfully British word ever created! I just pictured Leo and Kate “snogging” in a double-decker bus pulled by Prince Harry, Chummy from Call The Midwife, and a corgi in a top hat and monocle, as a chorus of come-to-life newspaper-wrapped bundles of fish and chips sang “My Heart Will Go On”.
But there’s a reason Leo and Kate never fucked, and it has nothing to do with her being “one of the boys”. I’m sure Leo would love to have sex with Kate, but it’s his dick that’s the problem! Leo’s Pants Wolf of Ball Street (his dick, in case you didn’t get that) only gets hard for bony blonde panty models. He could take a million Viagras and it still wouldn’t do a damn thing. Years of banging Victoria’s Secret models have conditioned his penis to remain soft until it smelled the overpowering scent of strawberry-vanilla body spray or until it hears Lukas Haas say the magic words (“Leo would like you to leave the angel wings on, actually”).
OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) says that 22-year-old German Victoria’s Secret model Teri Garr (I know that’s not her name, but every time I try to type her real name my auto-correct gene automatically corrects it to Teri Garr. I cannot deny my auto-correct gene!) is no longer sucking the face piojos and cheesy dandruff puffs out of Leonardo DiCaprio’s scraggly beard as they spoon on a yacht in the South of France while forever third wheel Lukas Haas watches from a dark corner. They say that after a year and a half of bumping nipples, Teri Garr and 39-year-old Leo are no longer together. They were last papped together in NYC on September 3rd. OK! Magazine has so many details about the split that you’ll have to read the following with a quadruple-magnified magnifying glass, because there’s details hidden in the details.
The Wolf of Wall Street actor, 39, ended his relationship with model Toni Garrn, 22, after a year and a half of dating. The couple was last spotted in New York City on Sept. 3.
The split wasn’t too much of a surprise, as Garrn attended New York Fashion Week solo, while DiCaprio partied on the West Coast. But what lead to the split?
So many details! A source tells Gossip Cop that OK! is lie-telling, because ToNardo is still a thing.
I don’t know, it’s pretty believable. The world is now teetering on its axis, because George Clooney is the picture perfect portrait of a happily married monogamous man and Adam Levine is no longer ho’ing it up out in the open. Leonardo DiCatchAHo really cares about the planet and he can’t let it completely spin off its axis by staying in a relationship too long. So I wouldn’t be surprised if Leo put Teri Garr on the curb, because now that Clooney and Adam Levine are temporarily off the market he’s gotta triple up his fuck load and do all the models. Besides, Teri Garr turned 22 in July and 22 is “older than Methuselah’s balls” in DiCatchAHo years. That’s what the DiCatchAHo calculator on Victoria’s Secret’s website says anyway.
Here’s Toni Garrn (yes, I broke at least 3 finger bones while typing that name instead of Teri Garr) at some Vogue event in Milan on September 22nd.
The story of the beautiful-faced delicate porcelain elf figurine Orlando Bloom scrappin’ with ass tampon Justin Bieber is already a pile of ridiculousness, but more layers of weird keep being added to it. When TMZ first reported this mess, they said that Orlando was the one who started it by throwing a failed punch at the Biebs’. A second later, it was reported that the less butch Anybodys from West Side Story started it by spitting out the line, “She (Miranda Kerr) was good,” when Orlando Bloom walked by his table. Now, former Spanish journalist (aren’t we all former Spanish journalists?) Anastasia Skolkova tells The Mirror (via The Daily Mail) that Orlando and the Biebs fought twice and practically everyone was on Team Legolas except for the Biebs’ bodyguards who are paid to pretend they are on his team even though they were probably clapping for Orlando on the inside.
A bunch of famous whores, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan and Diddy, were at Cipriani’s in Ibiza that morning and when the junior high school cafeteria fight broke out, they all took their places on Orlando’s side. Anastasia claims that Leonardo clapped for Orlando and Lindsay Lohan laughed at the Biebs. Even though Leo has probably been on Miranda Kerr’s Kewpie doll poon, it makes sense for him to clap for Orlando, because he hates the Biebs more than pizza. Anastasia put it like this:
“Justin said something when he came in which was aimed at Orlando, who then jumped onto a sofa to try and get at Justin. When Orlando punched Bieber, everyone started clapping. Lindsay was laughing. It was amazing. The whole table he and DiCaprio were on were clapping. Afterwards, I don’t know if people were congratulating Orlando or trying to calm him down. When security saw that when they got separated, Bieber and Orlando tried to punch each other again, security were like, ‘Bieber came, Bieber provoked this fight’, so they took his hands behind his back and took him away from the restaurant.”
I’m a little disappointed that Leonardo didn’t finish the Biebs off by knocking that trick down with one of his hot Kung-Fu kicks. Leo probably figured it was wrong for him to get involved in a fight between two delicate and fragile woodland nymphs.
This story just keeps getting more bizarre. I’m sure that by Monday someone will report that Orlando shot Justin Bieber in the face with an arrow and afterward, Tupac gave him a victory fist bump and as he was walking out, Elvis pat him on the back while sitting on a unicorn that whistled out the Rocky theme song.
And when Lindsay Lohan laughs at you, you have officially found the crawlspace under Hell’s basement. You’ve fallen so low and so hard that not even Life Alert can save you.
Here’s Orlando dealing with the humiliation of punching at the Biebs and missing by hugging on Erica Packer on a yacht in Formentera, Spain. Erica is the ex-wife of Australian billionaire James Packer who Miranda Kerr has been doing for a while, but who isn’t Miranda Kerr doing?
I haven’t been to that many charity events in my life (Wait, does my 4th grade birthday party count? I mean, half of the kids there were only there for the cake and were forced to be there by their parents who felt sorry for my ass), but even I know that when you go t a charity event, you shouldn’t promote or do anything that goes against the cause. If you go to a D.A.R.E. event, you should probably wait until after that shit finishes to smoke heroin out of a pipe made of coke while butt snorting meth in the bathroom. If you go to an event for Human Rights Watch, you probably shouldn’t wear a Justin Bieber t-shirt since Justin Bieber is a walking human rights violation. So either model type Cara Delevingne was in the mood for trolling or the wolf brows on her face sucked out every piece of her brain for nourishment. Because that piece of trash wore a rabbit fur coat to a wildlife fundraiser in St. Tropez.
Michelle Rodriguez’s partner in pussy and Selena Gomez’s maybe-current partner in pussy showed up to the event for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation in a white tuxedo thing, but sometime during the event, she changed into what looked like a rabbit fur jacket and tiny, white, pussy-exposing track shorts that screamed “I am not on my period!” Page Six’s source said that during the event, everybody GASPED when Cara got on the stage with human ass scab Robin Thicke and was wearing a coat that was made of the mutilated bodies of Thumper’s relatives:
“She got up there with Robin Thicke in what looked like a white rabbit fur,” says a spy.
“It was like, wait, this is an event for wildlife!”
Why isn’t there video of this? Specifically, why isn’t there video of Leonard DiCaprio when this was happening, because I really want to see his face go from “Wait, have I fucked her yet?” to “OH GOD SHE’S WEARING PETER COTTONTAIL!” before using his hot karate moves to kung-fu kick her off the stage. This could’ve been a Chelsea Clinton situation and Cara’s jacket could’ve been fake, but probably not.
Bitch probably didn’t even know what the event was for. She was just there for the free press, free booze and free coke. In this dumb twat’s defense, she goes to so many “charity events” for the free press and freeze booze that she forgets what charity the event is for and what the dress code is. At one charity event, she has to wear a red ribbon. At another charity event, she has to wear pink. And at a different charity event, she can’t wear dead animals. How can one bitch remember all that shit?! She was probably booked for The Leonardo DiCaprio Foundation event and the The Kendall Jones Foundation event in the same week and got the days confused. That’s all.
Panty Creamer Of The Day: Leonardo DiCaprio Giving You Body, Ponytail And Nasty Beard Hotness In Miami
If you’re a 6’1″, 90lb blonde model who is under the age of OLD (read: 23) and always looking to come up, then it’s your lucky life, because there’s a really good chance that this hot, chunk of hairy, bloated hotness will climb on top of you and cover your body with his stank as his beard fleas jump onto your face. Lucky whore.
It’s Fashion Week in Miami right now and wherever there’s a large gathering of models, there’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo trolling around and looking for his next piece. Leo took a break from sitting front row at fashion shows and pointing at models while telling his people that he’ll take “one of those and one of those and one of those” to feed his hairy nipples and belly pouch some much needed Vitamin D on the beach. Leo is apparently growing out his hair, beard and body for a movie that’s shooting in September and no, I don’t know if he’s playing a bottom level Zach Galifianakis impersonator who can also impersonate Jack Nicholson for anyone who’s not picky and on a budget. Leo is once again proving that if you’re a famous millionaire, you can look like you smell like foreskin gouda, thick beard gravy and pit syrup and models will still throw their chocha at you. Not pictured: Lukas Haas hosing down all the models trying to throw their chochas at Leo while he’s having some “me time” on the beach.
And yes, I still, still would. Leo’s high ponytail and those back bangs that look like a hairy neck skirt are taking me higher.
Pics: FameFlynet, Splash
Leonardo DiCaprio Is Mad That Someone Is Trying To Sell An Autographed Picture Of Him And Nelson Mandela
According to Page Six, Leonardo DiCaprio has a bee in his bonnet because an online memorabilia dealer called Moments In Time is trying to sell a signed photo of him with Nelson Mandela for $25,000. The photo was taken back in 2006 when Leo was filming Blood Diamond in South Africa. A year later, Nelson Mandela must have found it and decided to mail it to Leo along with the message: “To Leo DiCaprio, Best Wishes, Mandela, 4-8-07.” However, the picture was never mailed to Leo. Instead it somehow ended up in the hands of Moments In Time, where they decided to sell it, because it would be kind of a weird picture to have sitting on your mantle next to a photo of your kid’s soccer team and a portrait of the dog.
Once Leo was made aware of the photo’s existence on Tuesday, probably by Lukas Hass, who has nothing better to do all day than surf the net from his futon, Leo had his lawyer call up Gary Zimet, the owner of Moments In Time, and tell them to hand it over. But Gary is claiming “finders vs keepers” and told Leo’s lawyer that if he wants it so badly, he can buy it for $25,000. A source close to Leo (the talking ass cheeks of a Victoria’s Secret model) claims he might take Gary Zimet to court, saying:
“The photo is clearly not their property. He wants the picture. His lawyers are considering action.”
If he thinks that picture should be sitting in a pewter frame on top of a stack of Victoria’s Secret head shots on his desk and not being hustled for pennies online, then why doesn’t he just buy it? $25,000 is nothing to him – that’s like his weekly budget for Model’s Choice™ massage oil. Besides, $25k is a small price to pay for such a great picture of Nelson Mandela. Look at him working that sassy silver shirt! I bet he’s strutting around in that chic silver shirt up in Heaven and making all the angels swoon.
If your b-hole is still recovering from the warm tingles it got after hearing about Leonardo DiCaprio refusing to share the same air with the Keeping Up With The Kardashians kamera krew at a party two weeks ago, then you better stop reading right now, because this story will make you feel like you sat on a dildo made of Extra Strength Icy Hot. Star says that while he was in Cannes last month, Leo decided to catch some hos at Gotha nightclub (don’t get excited; I checked, and, no, it’s not a Gothika-themed nightclub). As it so happened, the toilet-clogging used tampon of Canada Justin Bieber was also in the same club, most likely searching for someone to warm his bottle and read Goodnight Moon.
According to a source (hey Lukas Haas!) a shirtless Justin spotted Leo from across the room and had his bodyguard push through the crowd to get to where Leo was sitting with his harem of bony 20-year-old models in the VIP area. Justin’s bodyguard (the toughest 4th grader he knows) then asked Leo if he’d be interested in pulling up a highchair and letting Baby Bieber join him at his table. Of course, Leo would rather fuck an underwear model from the Sears catalogue than spend two seconds with Vanilla Ice Cream Cone, so he shook his head “OF COURSE NOT, BITCH” and shooed his bodyguard away. In case you didn’t glean that Leo has as much use for a Bieber as he does a Kardashian, the source says this:
“He thinks Justin’s a little twit. Leo doesn’t want or need photo ops with publicity-hungry, manufactured pop stars.”
As if. The real reason Leo didn’t want that swaggy tonsil stone around is because that greedy pussy-hoarder was afraid Justin would swoop in with his sessy dirt stache and snatch up one of his beloved Victoria’s Secret Angels, forcing Leo to sleep on a bed of 7 naked models instead of his regular 8 that evening. Even though they only weight about 90 lbs each, if one of his pretty panty hustlers is missing from the pile, he has to re-arrange them all and move the blonde one from the bottom and the other blonde one to the middle, and it’s impossible for him to get a good night’s sleep if he’s playing Pussy Tetris all night long.