Everyone jokes about how Leonardo DiCaprio is the Susan Lucci of the Oscars, and how he probably had his basement made up to look like the stage of the Dolby Theater so that when he’s feeling down he can pretend to accept an Academy Award while the 18-year-old models he’s going to fuck later sit naked in the audience. Leo is so hard up for Oscar that every now and again he makes one of his tricks-of-the-moment paint herself up like a gold Oscar statue before they get it on. And yes, he cries afterward when he realizes he might never ever have his own real-life Oscar statue. I figured that Leonardo would eventually stop fucking around and hire a screenwriter to write a 3-hour-long movie about an anorexic, paraplegic, blind man with Tourette’s who was an undercover agent against the Nazis during World War II. Leo didn’t do that, but instead he’s coming for that Oscar by playing ALL the roles in one movie.
The Hollywood Reporter says that Leonardo’s production company is producing a movie called The Crowded Room. The Crowded Room is the real-life story of Billy Milligan, a man with 24 different personalities who successfully used multiple personality disorder as a defense in a court of law. It’s like Sybil as re-written by John Grisham. Leonardo has apparently been trying to play Billy Milligan for 20 years. Leonardo will also produce and writers have already been hired. The movie is based on the book by Daniel Keyes.
Published in 1981, Keyes’ book chronicles Milligan’s story, including his court trial in the late 1970s in Ohio after being charged with robbery and raping three women on the Ohio State University campus.
In the preparation of his defense, Milligan — who died in December 2014 — was diagnosed with multiple personality disorder. Pleading insanity, he and his lawyers contended that two of his alternate personalities committed the crimes without his knowledge. He was the first to use this defense, and the first to be acquitted for this reason.
Milligan’s various personalities included Adalana, a lesbian taking responsibility for the rapes; Ragen, a Yugoslavian communist who admitted to the robbery; and Arthur, an uptight Englishman.
Leonardo is serious this time. He’s playing a woman, a communist AND Benedict Cumberbatch. When all else fails, play every possible Oscar bait-y role in the same movie. I’m sure Leonardo will be so good that the Academy will have no choice but to nominate him for Best Actor, Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress! He’ll win them all! Or, this will happen:
“And the Oscar for Best Actor goes to…. Rob Schneider for The Hot Chick 2!”
That’s probably what’s going to happen.
About five minutes ago, Leonardo DiCaprio was supposedly holding a birthday candle between his hairy ass cheeks for his piece-of-the-moment RiRi to blow out. Well, if you believe Life & Style (which you TOTALLY should), he has pressed pause on doing RiRi to hit on the human form of a Katie Holmes yawn.
A source (Hi, Dakota Johnson’s publicist) tells Life & Style that at the after-party for Saturday Night Live’s 40th anniversary at The Plaza Hotel, Leonardo pretty much ignored RiRi and went after Dakota Johnson. I guess he just really had a craving for room-temperature tap water served in a soggy Dixie cup. The source went on to say that the Ghost of Jack Nicholson’s past wrapped his arm around Dakota and as she breathed in the aroma of rotten milk wafting off of his beard, he took her celebrity watching. The source dribbled out this stream of fanfiction that was probably written by E.J. James during her off time.
“He put his arm around Dakota and led her into the grand ballroom. He told her, ‘Let’s go look at all the celebrities.’ Dakota looked like she was trying to play it cool, but you could tell she was thrilled to have his attention. Out of everyone he socialized with, Leo seemed to be the happiest when he was with Dakota. As they walked away, Leo took the lead and guided her through the crowd, and a small smile spread across her face.”
But what happened next?! I need to know what happens next in Fifty Shades of Dick Cheese! The best line is “Let’s go look at all the celebrities.” I bet Leo grabbed her hand and led her to the petting area where they played with Andy Samberg’s ears and gently stroked Zach Galifianakis’ beard. After that, they bought some popcorn, sat on a bench and fed celebrities. It was fun and games until Miley Cyrus got overly excited and twerked on Dakota’s face. Who the hell says, “Let’s go look at all the celebrities“? I don’t think Leonardo DiCaprio would use that as a pick-up line. All he has to say is, “Hello, I am Leonardo DiCaprio, let’s make sex.”
If this is true, then it really is a sad day for the Victoria’s Secret Angels. First we learn that they’re flying away from Victoria’s cheap ass, because they’re not getting paid as many millions as they used to. And now we learn that the biggest Angels collector has probably moved on to pop stars and bland actresses. How the mighty Angels have fallen!
Here’s some thrilling pictures of Dakota getting coffee and walking through JFK yesterday.
Well, that explains it; I always thought something in the slutty milk ain’t clean regarding the rumoured romance between perpetually horny extraterrestrial Rihanna and itchy-looking model-humping human Leonardo DiCaprio. For one thing, I thought it was weird that a creature from such a distinguished line of alien royalty as Princess Ooh-Na-Na would keep repeatedly hooking up with a dude who looks like a 66-year-old hippie’s overgrown nutsack. Also, it was my understanding that Jack Nicholson Jr.’s dick only got hard for sexy blonde panty-wearing praying mantis types.
As it turns out, my slutty suspicions might have been right, because the NY Daily News says that the reason RiRi and Leo have been spotted together so much lately is because Leo is trying to hook her up with one of his best friends, Richie Akiva. A “nightlife insider” (aka what Lindsay Lohan puts down under OCCUPATION when she does her taxes) says that Leo has been acting as Richie’s wingman and explained RiRi’s relationship with Richie as follows:
“If they’re not dating, they’re hanging out, you know?” a prominent nightlife insider tells us with a wink.
“With a wink” – it appears my sassy Great Aunt Gladys has been moonlighting as a ‘prominent nightlife insider’. After she winked, did she then add: “I ain’t tellin’ tales out of school, but those two have been makin’ whoopee all over town!” But I am curious as to what Leo’s wingman game is. Probably some sort of ‘come for the dirtbag, stay for the dude who has a fresh tube of medicated cream’ thing.
And here’s RiRi going to the dentist yesterday dressed like some sort of sexy cold-weather lumberjack Frankenstein, if that’s something you need in your life:
I bet that’s the face she makes when she leans in close and smells his stank-ass beard.
It looks like the modern retelling of The Owl and the Pussycat (current working title: The Alien Princess and the Bedbug) that is the casual humping love affair between Rihanna and Leonardo DiCaprio might be back on again. The last time we checked in with Princess Ooh-Na-Na of the planet Nasty-6 and Jack Nicholson Jr., they were at a pre-Grammy party passing their bits to other people. It was truly a sad day for slut shippers like myself (I just wanna see two horny whores get together. Is that too much to ask?).
Then last night, a slutty Valentine’s Day Eve miracle happened. After RiRi attended a party celebrating the opening of Fendi’s flagship store in New York, she was spotted making a stop at Leo’s house around 1am. Then the Daily Mail says the two of them went to a club and partied till about 4am. They both left in separate cars, but something tells me both of those cars ended up at the boat slip where First Mate Lukas Haas keeps the S.S. Snatch Catcher docked.
So what does it all mean? Are RiRi and Leo a couple of star-crossed fuck lovers? Soul mates? Hole mates? Casual junk bumpers? Or are they just friends who like to hook up and get ripped at parties? If only their crotches could talk. Actually, if their crotches could talk, I’m sure they’d ask for a hot Epsom salts soak and a day off.
Here’s RiRi arriving at Leo’s, then Leo and RiRi leaving the club. I love that Leo is trying to go incognito by covering his beard with his hand as if that dirtbag pony tail of his isn’t a dead giveaway:
Just when you think the romantic interspecies love story between the alien ambassador of intergalactic space fucking Rihanna and perpetually horny human beard hair Leonardo DiCaprio could only get more romantic, he goes and proves that wild sluts are loyal to NO ONE, not even other wild sluts. Radar says that on Saturday night, Princess Ooh-Na-Na of the planet Nasty-6 and Leo DiCaprio both attended the same pre-Grammy party at 1Oak. But instead of rubbing their mouths on each other (as is custom between those two), Leo was caught rubbing his dirty cracker crumb-covered hobo beard all over the face of some random blonde model type. That far-away sound you just heard was the people of Nasty-6 weeping in sadness for their Princess.
An insider (a tiny coke-snorting mouse named Kai who lives in the walls of 1Oak) claims that while RiRi was hanging out with the owner at his table downstairs, Jack Nicholson Jr. was at a table a few feet away by the DJ booth making out with that yachtwrecking skank (Leo’s home is a boat, right?). The ‘insider’ doesn’t say whether or not RiRi was bothered by her former fuck partner mouth humping on a new lady, but I’m guessing either she didn’t care or she’s already forgotten she ever had a thing with him. “Leo who? Oh, you mean the boat dude who kept crying in his sleep about a dude named Oscar.”
Or maybe they’re still a down-low thing, but he was just making out with that random model because he had to. I would assume that after years of near-constant exposure to bony butt panty peddlers, his boner has become dependent on their energy and he needs to suck face with them to survive. It’s all science, really.
When it was revealed last week that humanized horny moan Rihanna had been caught mouth-humping on itchy-looking man slut Leonardo DiCaprio at the Playboy Mansion, most of us were shocked at two things: one, that the millions of random skanky bacterias haunting their mouths didn’t form one giant virus, and two, that Leo was kissing a woman who was born in the 80s. But according to UsWeekly (via Hollywood Life), we shouldn’t have been shocked at all, because these two have been boning for several years now.
A source claims that Jack Nicholson Jr. and Princess Ooh-Na-Na have been hooking up for years, and possible while they were seeing other people. “That’s why I kept finding denim stripper thongs in Leo’s beard” thought several hundred nameless panty models. “That’s why I kept finding dead bed bugs in her booty” gagged Drake. The source goes on to say that RiRi and Stinky the Boxcar Bum reconnected after he gave his bottom bony bitch, Toni Garrn, walking papers:
“After his breakup, Leo started texting Rihanna again. They decided to have some fun. Neither one is looking to make this anything more than fun. He’s into her, and they’re enjoying it.”
Allow me to translate: he’s getting his bindle stick wet with her intergalactic cooch juices, and nobody’s sleeping over. Get it, you perpetually-horny sluts.
And I like to imagine that every text Leo sends RiRi begins with the words “Hey girl, u awake? U want me to send Lukas Haas over in the dinghy to get u?“
That weird wooshing sound you just heard was every human on Earth GASPING in shock after hearing that Leonardo DiCaprio mouth humped on a person who wasn’t a 20-year-old bony panty model type. I bet even as it was happening, Rihanna was like “Welp, this is clearly the first sign of the apocalypse; time to say goodbye to my loved ones.”
According to UsWeekly, Jack Nicholson Jr. and Princess Ooh-Na-Na hooked up, mouth-wise, at a party at the Playboy Mansion on Saturday night while RiRi’s song “Pour It Up” was playing. Fitting, considering that rubbing against Leo’s musty bed bug beard mouth would make anyone want to pour an entire bottle of Listerine into theirs. However, one of Leo’s friends tells TMZ that it never happened. Sure, Lukas Haas, whatever you need to do to calm down all the heartbroken thong models aboard the S. S. Snatch Catcher.
And to double up on the randomness of this whole situation, MediaTakeOut says that Rihanna is knocked up with Leo’s dirtbag sperm. Well, we all know that’s a lie, since it’s common knowledge that Leo’s wiener can’t get hard unless the pussy it’s about to enter smells like Victoria’s Secret vanilla body splash and a 3-catalogue contract.
But maybe they weren’t kissing. I mean, RiRi isn’t exactly Leo’s type; yes, RiRi has been on the cover of VOGUE and she likes to take pictures in her underwear, but Leo is more of a random boat hos kind of guy now. Also, RiRi is 26, which as we all know is waaaaaay too fucking old for Leo. Maybe RiRi was just checking Leo’s beard for stray cigarettes or an extra pair of panties or something. Or maybe she confused his face for a giant dried bud and she was trying to smoke him (that’s got to be it).
“Boy…friend? What is a boy friend?” asked a confused Leonardo DiCaprio from high atop a Jenga-like tower of 27 nameless naked models.
According to the journalistic vanguard that is The National Enquirer, Taylor Swift has set her beady-little boy crazy eyes on the current most accurate visual definition of the word itchy, Leo DiCaprio. That sound you just heard was four dozen panty models running down the deck of the S. S. Snatch Catcher to the communal laptop to update their Model Mayhem portfolios for fear that they might soon be out of a job.
The Enquirer claims that Tay Tay demanded her manager set up a meeting with DiDi to see if he was boyfriend material. Spoiler alert: HE’S NOT. Apparently he passed the test, and Tay Tay invited him to hang out with her in New York. She has also been texting him relentlessly, as is Taylor Swift’s custom. A source also says that Leo is “turned on” by her success, and that Tay Tay thinks they’d be the perfect “power couple.” Of course, a source close to Leo (Lukas Haas working hard while hardly working) tells Gossip Cop that it’s 100% butterscotch-scented bullshit.
You don’t have to be Detective Olivia Benson – the human, not the cat – to know this story is all kinds of questionable. First of all, there definitely wasn’t a second date after Tay Tay realized the person her manager had set her up with was neither Jack from Titanic or Romeo from Romeo+Juliet. Second, Tay Tay has a full-time job, which means she can’t spend 11 months of the year floating aimlessly on a yacht, which is Leo’s No.1 deal breaker. Third, we all know that Taylor is really into pussies, but the only girls-into-pussies that Leo is interested in are the ones who can fill in during Threesome Thursdays at Casa DiCaprio. Don’t worry Tay Tay – there’s plenty more hobo-looking man sluts in the sea.
Surrounded by model types on a fancy French island, vaping his hobo face off. Although that could be any day for Leonardo DiCaprio, really; it just happened to be New Years Day. According to The Daily Mail, Jack Nicholson Jr. rang in the new year on a beach in St. Barts with a boat full of bikini models, and none of them were his bottom bitch Toni Garrn, which means they are probably officially officially over, right? How could you not spend NYE counting down from 60 with wealthy elf Ryan Seacrest without your best ho? That’s practically a NYE felony.
But something seems off about these pictures of Leo on Babe Island. First of all, there are less than a dozen babes in bikinis. I mean, in this picture alone, I can only count four. FOUR?!? What happened? Did the S.S. Snatch Catcher capsize on its way to St. Barts and they all had to swim to Babe Island? Are there 35 to 40 model types currently lost at sea? Should someone send out in a search and rescue helicopter? Second, is one of the models wearing shorts? I thought all model types were required to turn in their clothing to Leo’s unpaid intern Lukas Haas before they were allowed to hang out with Leo. Finally, why is Leo holding his own vape? Maybe that last one isn’t that strange; I guess I just assumed he would puff out of a pussy, hands-free.
Here’s more of Leo on Babe Island in St. Barts with this week’s stable of 20-year-old model types before they all climbed aboard a dinghy and set sail into the middle of the ocean so Leo could supplement his missing dinghy sluts with a couple of hot 20-year-old mermaids.
More hacked Sony emails have been released, and while they don’t get much juicier than Scott Rudin calling Dame St. Angie a “minimally-talented spoiled brat” (I wonder what he calls her off the record? My money is on “Jon Voight’s dumb vampire-looking daughter“), they do reveal that Amal Clooney’s actor husband George was a sad panda after he read all the bad reviews of his film The Monuments Men. According to Page Six, one of the recent leaks was an email George sent to Amy Pascal with the subject line “It’s getting worse“. In it, he cries to Amy that the reviews for the film he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in were so bad, he was losing precious beauty sleep:
“I need some protection from all the reviews. Let’s just make it a hit. I haven’t slept in 30 hours. And it’s 7 am.”
I hope the second Amy got that email, she rushed over to his house with a Costco-sized tub of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and a DVD copy of One Fine Day to cheer him up. Poor Georgie – some people didn’t like his movie! I think that’s the rich celebrity equivalent of not being asked to the prom. Amy did email George back, explaining that would “get revenge” by making money off the film, and George responded in true George Clooney style:
“I adore you Amy. You are literally the only person running a studio that loves film. I fear I’ve let you all down. Not my intention. I apologize. I’ve just lost touch… Who knew? Sorry. I won’t do it again.”
Damn, I think I just fell in love with George Clooney (“ONE OF US! ONE OF US!” chanted the C’loonies). Listen to George, trying to charm the pants off Amy Pascal. Unfortunately, not everyone is as good at kissing Amy’s ass; those leaked emails also revealed that there’s a certain bony booty hunter who has a reputation for being a thoughtless asshole. That’s right! Joining Dame St. Angie on the Sony Shit List is Leonardo DiCaprio.