Bobbie Brown, Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” video ho, wrote a book called Dirty Rocker Boys in which she chronicles the aftermath of her volatile relationship with Tommy Lee. I know, I know- if you’ve heard one long shlong Tommy Lee story, you’ve heard them all, but the real story lies with other men Bobbie talks about in her book after her hot mess relationship with Tommy went to shit and he suddenly married Pamela Anderson. Bobbie did what any scorned woman worth her salt does- she went trolling for some new dick.
The Daily Mail has excerpts where she writes about Stephen Dorff offending her delicate sensibilities by using, “So, do you wanna go back to my house and fuck? (that sound you hear is Blade fangirls from 2005 tripping over themselves screaming “YES!!”) and Kevin Costner kicking her ass out after she almost burned his bedroom down with a cigarette. Both those are kind of tame and not quite up to revenge fuck standards, but Bobbie’s description of nearly sexing on Leonardo DiCaprio, when he was 19 makes up for it a little.
They put on TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, started kissing and undressing themselves on her bed.
Brown writes: ‘I unbuttoned his jeans and tugged down on his boxers. When I saw made me gasp. It made no sense. The kid put Tommy Lee to shame’.
Then DiCaprio dropped the question which almost killed the mood, she claims. ‘So Bobbie, do you have any diseases? Also what about gonorrhea? Have you been tested for that?’
Okay, “Waterfalls” isn’t the worst thing to listen to when grinding on someone in the dark. It beats listening to the radio and having a Corn Nuts “Bust A Nut” commercial come on. THAT shit kills the mood. Thinking of Leo having a roll of Pillsbury cookie dough bouncing between his legs is pretty gross and sounds like total bullshit. The real question here is who the hell waits until the pants are off to ask about gonorrhea of all damn things? I’ve never been a huge fan of Leo, but I may make it my life’s mission to hunt him down and give him the gift that keeps on giving, Giant Microbe-style.
Boobie (whatever) said Leo gave her tingles in her special place but that they never sealed the deal because he made her feel bad about their age difference.
‘Waves of satisfaction rippled through my body. If only Tommy Lee could see me now. He was a unicorn. Rare, innocent, and horny. Me, on the other hand, I’d been engaged, married and had given birth. I needed a man, not a man-child’.
So Leo’s a horny unicorn? Awesome. The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show just became a lot more interesting if you imagine Leo lurking backstage wearing this as one of his disguises, surveying the models and waiting for the perfect moment to send Lukas Haas up to one to whisper, “There’s a six month contract in it for you if you can prove you’ve tested clean recently and don’t mind me sitting in the corner furiously masturbating while crying”.
(Leo photo via Interview)
In the December issue of Esquire (via The Daily Mail), George Clooney his eyeballs at that fake bitch Russell Crowe, shows no love for Leonardo DiCaprio’s Pussy Posse and draws a heart around a picture of his forever bromate Brad Pitt.
A few years ago, bloated walrus Russell Crowe figuratively threw a hotel phone at George’s head when he called Clooney a sellout for getting a quick check by filming foreign commercials. Russell also called George a Frank Sinatra wannabe. George told Esquire that Russell later tried to apologize by sending him a book of poetry (the fuck?) and pulled his dick all the way by saying he was misquoted. George was not impressed with Russell’s little fake apology and probably used the pages from that book of poetry to wipe down his just-used strap-on.
“And that’s when he really went off on me. ‘Who the fuck does this guy think he is? He’s a Frank Sinatra wannabe.’ He really went after me. The truth is that [Russell Crowe] did send me a book of poems to apologize for insulting the shit out of me, which he did. I think he said “I was misquoted” and I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”‘
You know George made a W with his fingers when he said “whatever.” I always thought George was more of a Dionne, but I guess he’s more of an Ambular.
After George finished calling out Russell, he spilled some shit about Leo. George and his friends once played a basketball game against Leo and the Pussy Posse. Before the game, the Pussy Posse said they were going to “kick some ass.” George didn’t like this and let out a cackle when he and his friends won 11-0.
“And the discrepancy between their game and how they talked about their game made me think of how important it is to have someone in your life to tell you what’s what. I’m not sure if Leo has someone like that.”
Yeah, I’m sure Leo surrounds himself with ass-sucking hos who tell him that his farts smell like strawberries and cream, but so does George (see: Sarah Larson, Stacy Keibler, that other one, that other one and the other ones I am so not going to Google) I’m sure AND it was just a damn game of basketball. It’s not that serious. George acts like a stupid game of basketball is as sacred as a game of Mall Madness.
When George finished slightly dragging Leo and Russell, he blew air kisses at Brad for suffering through all the re-shoots for World War Z (WHY WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE RICH MALE MOVIE STARS?!!!). And George said this about why he’s not on Twatter:
“Why on God’s green earth would you be in Twitter? I mean, when you see, like, Ashton Kutcher coming out and going, you know, “Everybody leave Joe Paterno alone,” or whatever he said, you just go “Fifteen minutes longer and a thought process and probably you wouldn’t have done that.”
“…IN Twitter?” George just has to tell me that my gut doesn’t look as big as usual and he’d officially be my mom. IN Twitter!
I can’t co-sign everything that spilled out of George’s mouth, but I love it when grown rich dudes talk shit about each other. Fuck the GOOP vs. Vanity Fair feud. This award season is going to be all about watching George throw bitchy mean girl looks at those skanks Leo and Russell. I can’t wait for the Golden Globes when the camera will pan to George and Russell coldly hugging in the audience as George says to Russell, “Ew, I can totally see your split ends.” And George is totally going to try to steal Lukas Haas from Leo and if Danielle Spencer wasn’t 10 years too old, he’d try to snatch her away from Russell and hire her as his award season escort.
Here’s George and others (including Lupita Nyong’o, Borat, Ralph Fiennes and Kelly Rowland’s tits) at the BAFTA LA Britannia Awards last night.
Around twenty five minutes ago, Leonardo DiCatchAHo was going around with that Victoria’s Secret model whose name I always read as Teri Garr. But I guess Leonardo tossed Teri Garr’s ass in a box and sent her to the Victoria’s Secret Return Center before he ordered a new piece from Elite Model Management in Paris. 24-year-old Kat Torres, who is originally from a small town near Sao Paulo and lives in Paris now, tells the Brazilian newspaper Extra (via Daily Mail) that she met 38-year-old Leo in Cannes and now they’re bumping nipples.
“I met Leo in Cannes. We were staying in the same house at the festival. Leo is amazing, but I worry about what he will think about me talking to you. We have a pact that nothing can ever be said about our relationship. In Europe it is different. People see us together in many places so they do not need to ask us about anything. He doesn’t like being photographed and barely goes out walking once people have realized it’s him.”
There’s one big, glaring thing that doesn’t make sense about this shit:
Bitch ain’t a Victoria’s Secret or Sports Illustrated model. Leo usually only orders from Victoria’s Secret or Sports Illustrated. He doesn’t get into bed unless a VS or SI model is in it. His true soulmate Lukas Haas constantly begs VS and SI to please give him a contract so Leo will finally look at him for real. So this doesn’t really make any sense…. But whatever, we shouldn’t wrap our brain cells around this mess, because as soon as she opened her mouth and said, “I’m dating, Leonardo DiCaprio,” he stamped the word “VOID” on their relationship contract and picked up a VS catalog to order a new piece. Bye, ho.
And here’s some of Kat’s modeling pics. She looks like a fembot who’s equal parts Heidi Montag, Shakira and Ivanka Trump.
If you ever wondered what it would look like if The Great Gatsby’s personality and Wall Street’s internal organs were shoved into American Psycho’s body, here’s your answer. Above is the trailer for Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street which stars his muse Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Jonah Hill, The Texas T-Rex, Kyle Chandler, Joanna Lumley and the Victoria’s Secret model version of Emma Stone known as Margot Robbie. The Wolf of Wall Street is about some Wall Street type who… Oh, who gives a shit. The only thing that matters is that this trailer has midget tossing, a monkey in roller skates, a flying lobster, The Texas T-Rex playing the chest drums and THIS:
Leo is popping and locking for that Oscar. And if they really want an Oscar, they’ll submit this shit in the documentary category, because this is basically Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s life set in the 90s.
We can all stop wandering aimlessly around the land while wondering to ourselves what has become of this world if Leonardo DiCatchAHo can longer catch a ho, because he must’ve just been having an off day when Cara Delevingne turned his ass down repeatedly. Leo’s still got it. Leo can still get an Angel at his front door just by calling up Victoria’s Secret and saying, “Yeah, send me your latest.“
The NYDN says that for the past week or so, Leo has been seen all over Cannes with a German model whose hair turns green in a chlorinated pool, was 5 when Titanic came out and has worn VS angel wings on a catwalk at least once. Tall, skinny, blonde and barely legal…. That’s the Leo we know! Some source says that Leo and 20-year-old Toni Garrn have only been dating for a week, but “there is definitely chemistry there.”
Chemistry, uh huh. I’m sure Toni Garrn (or as Leo calls her “Gis.. I mean, Bar… I mean, Erin… I mean catalog item # 98787891“) is a nice, sweet girl and everything, but if I dyed one of my ingrown pubic hairs blond, put Angel wings on it and got it into the Victoria’s Secret catalog, Leo would find a way to have “chemistry” with it.
And because I have the crusty
Mondays Tuesdays in my eyes, I read the name “Toni Garrn” as “Teri Garr” and for a second there I was happy, because I was thinking about Leo 69ing with Sandy from Tootsie.
Here’s Leo with Cameron Diaz and Prince Albert at some Tag Heuer party in Monaco the other night. As the days go by, Leo’s looking more and more like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
Leonardo DiCaprio used to be able to stroll into any modeling agency in the world, walk up to the wall of pictures, point to any model and say “I’ll take that one, no need to wrap her up!“, and he’d get her. But those days are coming to an end and he got triple-slapped across the face by something called REJECTION when 20-year-old “it” model Cara Delevingne refused to go back to his hotel room with his 38-year-old ass.
Life & Style (via Page Six) says that at a party at Cannes for The Great Gatsby, Leo kept trying and trying and trying and trying to get Cara to give him her time and she did what so many Oscar voters have done for years: she ignored his ass. If only Rose was determined to hold on to Jack’s hand as much as Leo was determined to get Cara onto his peen, the bitch would’ve never let go!
Because the sight of a sad, lonely, ho-loving dog pawing at her feet was trying to ruin her buzz, Cara finally gave him her number. Some source said this:
“Leo kept hitting on her at the ‘Great Gatsby’ bash at Cannes. He even lunged at her at one point, and she dodged him. He was begging her to go back to his hotel room, but she declined. Eventually, [she] gave him her number, but we’re not so sure she’s into him.”
Poor Leo. Somebody just hit the FF button on his transformation into the real-life Don Draper.
Leo should get a little credit, though, because he kept on kept on even after Cara shook her head “fuck no” when he told her that he’s giving her the opportunity to visit the place 35 million models before her have visited. You’d think that hearing no from a chick would’ve made his head explode as his dick spat out a white flag before retiring up into his body for the rest of its life. Leo put a Band-Aid over the bruise on his ego and probably hit on another 20-something model (who probably turned his ass down too).
And here’s some pictures of Cara leaving a yacht (not Leo’s) in Cannes the other day and leaving a party with Wonky McValtrex. Yes, Cara hangs out with Wonky, but turns Leo down. Board up all the windows in Cannes before Leo jumps out of one.
This is what it would look like if Madame Maxime and Hagrid got really drunk and high one night and accidentally drank a potion, which turned her into a soulless, regular-sized Death Eater and him into a gay, beardless giant. What’s even more terrifying are those twin pillars of vomit on Andre Leon Talley’s hooves. ALT probably thought that he was fancying up those dark-sided Lucifer boots by monogramming his initials onto them. Nice try, Gay Hagrid, but a monogrammed pile of nut-embedded hyena shit is still a pile of nut-embedded hyena shit.
Actually, monogramming them is worse, because it’s telling the world that you’re claiming those horrifying boots made from the intestines of Satan’s slaves. If they weren’t monogrammed, ALT could say that the Illuminati kidnapped his entire family and made him spread the evil by wearing those UGGs. I might believe that story. But the fact that his initials are on them tells me that he’s actually proud to wear the Ninth Circle’s boot of choice. I barely even noticed ALT’s purple silk pajama pants and the oversized Christmas tree skirt on his body, which shows you the evil power of UGGs. And Anna Wintour is smirking, which means she’s totally in on it. Evil whores, the both of them.
You better cleanse your screen with holy water wipes as soon as you click away from this mess.
And here’s others at The Great Gatsby premiere in NYC last night. They’re all unholy bitches for not throwing holy water at ALT’s UGGs when they had the chance. In order: Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Carey Mulligan, Isla Fisher, Florence Welch, Tobey Maguire with his wife (the hell kind of toddler church outfit is she wearing?), Baz Luhrmann with Catherine Martin, Jay-Z, Anjelica Huston, Martha Stewart (wearing her favorite sequined capri leggings) and Joel Edgerton.
Bill Clinton was honored at the GLAAD Media Awards in Los Angeles last night and he was the damn pimp of the ball. He asked Charlize Theron if she’d like to see him in his fedora and nothing else, he asked Jennifer Lawrence if she’d like to grab a few cigars and get out of there, and he gave Betty White an extra special hug. Betty White’s rose-colored eyebrows nearly melted off and her “this jacket is vintage JCPenney and I know Big Willie juice doesn’t come out” face says everything we need to know. Betty White proved that she’s once again the patron saint of giving by showing dusty, old Bill Clinton some love when she really wanted to jump on a piece who can really handle her.
GLAAD, who loves giving out awards since it feels like they have an awards show every damn month, gave Bill Clinton the Advocate for Change Award and also gave trophies to The New Normal (for outstanding comedy series), Perks of Being a Wallflower (for outstanding movie), American Horror Story (for outstanding TV mini-series) and Days of Our Lives (for outstanding daily drama).
And here’s Charlize looking perfect, Jennifer Lawrence with just-out-of-the-salon mom hair, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Betty White, Leonardo DiCatchAHo and Alex PetMyFur.
Leonardo DiCatchAHo is supposedly sexing on his Wolf of Wall Street co-star Margot Robbie, but he was seen doing the halfway side huge with a different blonde piece in Miami the other day AND InTouch (via Wetpaint) says that he’s also got a Victoria’s Secret model on the side. Leonardo has already dated VS models Gisele Bundchen, Bar Refaeli, Anne V, Erin Heatherton and now he’s supposedly getting it on with 19-year-old Barbara Palvin. VS should just go ahead and change the name of their VS Angels to Leonardo’s Hos.
A source tells InTouch that 38-year-old Leo is only casually dating (read: daytime fuck buddies) Barbara Palvin and he’s not looking to settle down with one trick anytime soon. The source also said, “Leo loves seeing lots of different girls. He can’t be alone.”
“Loves seeing lots of different girls” and “can’t be alone” is a really long-winded way of saying DUDE IS A TAYLOR SWIFT!
Before Barbara Palvin supposedly rolled around naked with George Clooney Junior, she got on Justin Bieber for a minute. Barbara denies humping the Bieb (wouldn’t you?) and I read somewhere that she’s got a boyfriend and every time she’s photographed with a famous dude the tabloids put them together. Judging by that picture of Barbara Pelvic Exam and Leonardo at some event in Hollywood, I can’t tell if anything is going on. But then again, Leonardo looks like he’s trying to keep the dry heaves from crawling up his throat and that’s usually the natural reaction of a person who just found out that the person he touched tongues with touched tongues with Justin Bieber recently. Story developing (not really)….
(pic via Instagram)
Quentin Tarantino “Shocks” The Ears Of Reporters By Dropping The N-Word In The Golden Globes Press Room
It was hard for me to focus on Quentino Tarantino’s acceptance speech after he won the Golden Globe for Best Screenplay, because earlier in the night Amy Poehler made a joke about the “rat-faced people” and the camera immediately cut to QT’s face one second after she said it. It was perfect. So when rat-faced QT got on stage to accept his award, I kept picturing him nibbling toe cheese off of someone’s foot and didn’t listen to the words coming out of his mouth. Apparently, during his speech, the n-word never jumped off of his tongue, which is surprising. But when QT got backstage, the n-word flew out of his mouth once, which made the innocent reporters clutch their pristine ears.
At the 0:35 mark in the clip above, a reporter asks QT if he ever thought about not using the n-word while making and writing Django Unchained. QT answered the question without shutting any butts down, which is a good thing, because last night was definitely an open butt kind of night. But QT did drop the n-word just once:
No, not really, because it’s… If somebody is out there actually saying it when it comes to the word nigger, that the fact that I was using it in the movie more than it was used in the Antebellum South in Missippii in 1858, then feel free to make that case. But no one is actually making that case. So in other words, they’re actually saying that I should soften it, they’re saying I should lie, they’re saying I should whitewash, they’re saying I should massage and I never do that when it comes to my characters.”
E! News says that the room went completely silent and then later Don Cheadle, who took the stage after QT, broke the awkwardness by saying, “Please no ‘nigger questions’. Black people questions are all right.”
QT used the n-word to talk about why he used the n-word in his movie, so I’m not sure why reporters were shocked by him using it. Shit, they should be shocked that he didn’t use it in his acceptance speech. I’m surprised he didn’t thank the n-word in his speech, because without it, his movie would’ve been 90 minutes shorter since every character says it at least 200 million times each.
And here’s a few of the Django Unchained hos (sans Samuel L. Jackson) before, during and after the Golden Globes last night: Rat-faced QT with his piece, Christoph Waltz, Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Kerry Washington and Jamie Foxx.