Don’t linger too long, or you’re going to get a jealous text from Bradley Cooper: “Sorry, didn’t realize you were just going around hugging crotches willy-nilly. Where I’m from, a crotch-hug means something, slut.”
Award season usually brings us lots of actors pulling ‘serious contemplation face’, lots of actors talking about their craft (just typing that gave me such severe douche chills I had to put on a cardigan), and now, thanks to Vitalii Sediuk, we can also add to the list ‘lots of actors’s crotches getting blindsided by the Ukraine’s No.1 professional crotch-snuggler’. The last time we saw Vitalii, he was nose-deep in B-Coops nut sack; this time he set his signs on ambushing Leonardo DiCaprio on the red carpet at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival. As I started to watch the video, I sat nervously hoping he didn’t pull a Will Smith and deliver a roundhouse kick to Vitalii’s face, but thankfully he laughed it off. Meanwhile, check out the blonde woman. Jesus lady, calm thafuck down; he’s hugging his legs, not ripping the balls off with his teeth. If Arnie Grape is cool with it, we’re all cool with it.
Hopefully this isn’t the last we see of Vitalii Sediuk, because I’ve already placing bets in my Oscar pool of who’s crotch he’s going to hug next. Right now it’s 5-1 odds on Bruce Dern,10-1 on Chiwetel Ejiofor, and even-odds he hugs Matthew McConaughey’s crotch and faints (“Why does it smell like Corona and low tide at the ocean?”)
Here’s more of Leo, Martin Scorsese, and Big Poppa Waffles (aka Jonah Hill) arriving at the Santa Barbara International Film Festival. And for no reason but ALAGANCE, I’ve also included a side of Karina Smirnoff, who arrived looking like she’d be more comfortable in a Sochi nightclub showing high-level members of the IOC a good time:
While watching The Wolf of Wall Street, if you did a line of coke whenever one of the characters did a line, you’d be filled with so much coke that a Lohan would sniff you out from hundreds of miles away, attack you, crack open one of your veins and snort the high out of you. The coke was played by Vitamin B in that shit and they snorted a lot of it. But apparently, Charlie Sheen’s favorite breakfast dish has never been up Leonardo DiCaprio’s nose. Page Six says that some “excitable” fan came up to Leo at BAFTA LA’s Golden Globes pre-party on Saturday night and joked that snorting all that fake coke must’ve made him break up with coke forever. Leo dropped enough eye rolling fuel to keep your eyes rolling for a long ass time.
Excitable female fan: “I bet playing that role put you off cocaine forever!”
Leo: “I’ve never done it in real life.”
Leonardo DiCaprio lives in an unreal fantasy world where he can order a new Victoria’s Secret model just by making a phone call and coke water spills out of the diamond-encrusted platinum faucet in his bathroom, so yeah, he was kind of telling the truth since bitch doesn’t live a real life.
I once went to a party that a friend threw and ho was obviously coked up. Her eyes were jittery, her breath smelled like blended dead bodies and she was dancing to an Usher song (that’s the giveaway right there). I asked her, “Are you coked up?” She goes, “No! Why would you ask that?” Bitch was lying! Coke is lie powder! Leo was probably coked all the way up and by ,“I’ve never done it in real life,” he meant, “I just did some off of a model’s asshole in the men’s bathroom.”
And if you haven’t seen that Wolf of Wall Street shit, I recommend seeing it in a theater full of oldies in Palm Springs. That’s where I saw it. The pacemakers were going off and old hos were having heart attacks every time a shaved crotch or a bare nipple popped up on the screen. The best part of my 18-hour experience was when Leo snorted coke out of a hooker’s ass and the old dude next to me says to his wife, “Oh heaven’s! Really? Really? You wanted to see this?” I’d like to think that movie brought them closer together. Afterward, they got into their white Deville, bought some coke from a street dealer and then the old dude cut it with a little crushed Centrium Silver before snorting it out of his wife’s ass. That reignited their love again. Snorting coke out of your spouse’s ass is so much better than renewing your vows.
There have been so many damn premieres of Martin Scorsese films starring Leonardo DiCaprio that at this point, Leo probably just turns to Lukas Haas and rolls his eyes saying, “Put on something nice, honey. It’s date night.” Leo dusted off the rat’s ass he pulls out right before Oscar season to attend the premiere of Wolf of Wall Street in New York City last night, looking a little pudding pie in the face.
Whoever dressed Leo’s co-star Matthew McConaughey should be nominated for all the awards in the category of tailoring a suit that transforms the wearer from a T. rex to the Swedish Chef in the arms. I had to double check to make sure those weren’t fake hands poking out of the sleeves of Matthew’s Colonel-Sanders-as-a-bridegroom suit. All he needs to complete the look is a ribbon bow tie and Leo’s facial hair.
Here are more pics from the premiere last night. Besides Leo and Matty with his wife Camila Alves, also pictured is Jonah Hill (who needs to reel in that creepy fangirl look), hottie Kyle Chandler who I had shamefully forgotten about, Margot Robbie and Martin Scorsese (and his eyebrows, which really should get top billing on all his films).
Bobbie Brown, Warrant’s “Cherry Pie” video ho, wrote a book called Dirty Rocker Boys in which she chronicles the aftermath of her volatile relationship with Tommy Lee. I know, I know- if you’ve heard one long shlong Tommy Lee story, you’ve heard them all, but the real story lies with other men Bobbie talks about in her book after her hot mess relationship with Tommy went to shit and he suddenly married Pamela Anderson. Bobbie did what any scorned woman worth her salt does- she went trolling for some new dick.
The Daily Mail has excerpts where she writes about Stephen Dorff offending her delicate sensibilities by using, “So, do you wanna go back to my house and fuck? (that sound you hear is Blade fangirls from 2005 tripping over themselves screaming “YES!!”) and Kevin Costner kicking her ass out after she almost burned his bedroom down with a cigarette. Both those are kind of tame and not quite up to revenge fuck standards, but Bobbie’s description of nearly sexing on Leonardo DiCaprio, when he was 19 makes up for it a little.
They put on TLC’s ‘Waterfalls’, started kissing and undressing themselves on her bed.
Brown writes: ‘I unbuttoned his jeans and tugged down on his boxers. When I saw made me gasp. It made no sense. The kid put Tommy Lee to shame’.
Then DiCaprio dropped the question which almost killed the mood, she claims. ‘So Bobbie, do you have any diseases? Also what about gonorrhea? Have you been tested for that?’
Okay, “Waterfalls” isn’t the worst thing to listen to when grinding on someone in the dark. It beats listening to the radio and having a Corn Nuts “Bust A Nut” commercial come on. THAT shit kills the mood. Thinking of Leo having a roll of Pillsbury cookie dough bouncing between his legs is pretty gross and sounds like total bullshit. The real question here is who the hell waits until the pants are off to ask about gonorrhea of all damn things? I’ve never been a huge fan of Leo, but I may make it my life’s mission to hunt him down and give him the gift that keeps on giving, Giant Microbe-style.
Boobie (whatever) said Leo gave her tingles in her special place but that they never sealed the deal because he made her feel bad about their age difference.
‘Waves of satisfaction rippled through my body. If only Tommy Lee could see me now. He was a unicorn. Rare, innocent, and horny. Me, on the other hand, I’d been engaged, married and had given birth. I needed a man, not a man-child’.
So Leo’s a horny unicorn? Awesome. The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show just became a lot more interesting if you imagine Leo lurking backstage wearing this as one of his disguises, surveying the models and waiting for the perfect moment to send Lukas Haas up to one to whisper, “There’s a six month contract in it for you if you can prove you’ve tested clean recently and don’t mind me sitting in the corner furiously masturbating while crying”.
(Leo photo via Interview)
In the December issue of Esquire (via The Daily Mail), George Clooney his eyeballs at that fake bitch Russell Crowe, shows no love for Leonardo DiCaprio’s Pussy Posse and draws a heart around a picture of his forever bromate Brad Pitt.
A few years ago, bloated walrus Russell Crowe figuratively threw a hotel phone at George’s head when he called Clooney a sellout for getting a quick check by filming foreign commercials. Russell also called George a Frank Sinatra wannabe. George told Esquire that Russell later tried to apologize by sending him a book of poetry (the fuck?) and pulled his dick all the way by saying he was misquoted. George was not impressed with Russell’s little fake apology and probably used the pages from that book of poetry to wipe down his just-used strap-on.
“And that’s when he really went off on me. ‘Who the fuck does this guy think he is? He’s a Frank Sinatra wannabe.’ He really went after me. The truth is that [Russell Crowe] did send me a book of poems to apologize for insulting the shit out of me, which he did. I think he said “I was misquoted” and I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah. Whatever.”‘
You know George made a W with his fingers when he said “whatever.” I always thought George was more of a Dionne, but I guess he’s more of an Ambular.
After George finished calling out Russell, he spilled some shit about Leo. George and his friends once played a basketball game against Leo and the Pussy Posse. Before the game, the Pussy Posse said they were going to “kick some ass.” George didn’t like this and let out a cackle when he and his friends won 11-0.
“And the discrepancy between their game and how they talked about their game made me think of how important it is to have someone in your life to tell you what’s what. I’m not sure if Leo has someone like that.”
Yeah, I’m sure Leo surrounds himself with ass-sucking hos who tell him that his farts smell like strawberries and cream, but so does George (see: Sarah Larson, Stacy Keibler, that other one, that other one and the other ones I am so not going to Google) I’m sure AND it was just a damn game of basketball. It’s not that serious. George acts like a stupid game of basketball is as sacred as a game of Mall Madness.
When George finished slightly dragging Leo and Russell, he blew air kisses at Brad for suffering through all the re-shoots for World War Z (WHY WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE RICH MALE MOVIE STARS?!!!). And George said this about why he’s not on Twatter:
“Why on God’s green earth would you be in Twitter? I mean, when you see, like, Ashton Kutcher coming out and going, you know, “Everybody leave Joe Paterno alone,” or whatever he said, you just go “Fifteen minutes longer and a thought process and probably you wouldn’t have done that.”
“…IN Twitter?” George just has to tell me that my gut doesn’t look as big as usual and he’d officially be my mom. IN Twitter!
I can’t co-sign everything that spilled out of George’s mouth, but I love it when grown rich dudes talk shit about each other. Fuck the GOOP vs. Vanity Fair feud. This award season is going to be all about watching George throw bitchy mean girl looks at those skanks Leo and Russell. I can’t wait for the Golden Globes when the camera will pan to George and Russell coldly hugging in the audience as George says to Russell, “Ew, I can totally see your split ends.” And George is totally going to try to steal Lukas Haas from Leo and if Danielle Spencer wasn’t 10 years too old, he’d try to snatch her away from Russell and hire her as his award season escort.
Here’s George and others (including Lupita Nyong’o, Borat, Ralph Fiennes and Kelly Rowland’s tits) at the BAFTA LA Britannia Awards last night.
Around twenty five minutes ago, Leonardo DiCatchAHo was going around with that Victoria’s Secret model whose name I always read as Teri Garr. But I guess Leonardo tossed Teri Garr’s ass in a box and sent her to the Victoria’s Secret Return Center before he ordered a new piece from Elite Model Management in Paris. 24-year-old Kat Torres, who is originally from a small town near Sao Paulo and lives in Paris now, tells the Brazilian newspaper Extra (via Daily Mail) that she met 38-year-old Leo in Cannes and now they’re bumping nipples.
“I met Leo in Cannes. We were staying in the same house at the festival. Leo is amazing, but I worry about what he will think about me talking to you. We have a pact that nothing can ever be said about our relationship. In Europe it is different. People see us together in many places so they do not need to ask us about anything. He doesn’t like being photographed and barely goes out walking once people have realized it’s him.”
There’s one big, glaring thing that doesn’t make sense about this shit:
Bitch ain’t a Victoria’s Secret or Sports Illustrated model. Leo usually only orders from Victoria’s Secret or Sports Illustrated. He doesn’t get into bed unless a VS or SI model is in it. His true soulmate Lukas Haas constantly begs VS and SI to please give him a contract so Leo will finally look at him for real. So this doesn’t really make any sense…. But whatever, we shouldn’t wrap our brain cells around this mess, because as soon as she opened her mouth and said, “I’m dating, Leonardo DiCaprio,” he stamped the word “VOID” on their relationship contract and picked up a VS catalog to order a new piece. Bye, ho.
And here’s some of Kat’s modeling pics. She looks like a fembot who’s equal parts Heidi Montag, Shakira and Ivanka Trump.
If you ever wondered what it would look like if The Great Gatsby’s personality and Wall Street’s internal organs were shoved into American Psycho’s body, here’s your answer. Above is the trailer for Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street which stars his muse Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Jonah Hill, The Texas T-Rex, Kyle Chandler, Joanna Lumley and the Victoria’s Secret model version of Emma Stone known as Margot Robbie. The Wolf of Wall Street is about some Wall Street type who… Oh, who gives a shit. The only thing that matters is that this trailer has midget tossing, a monkey in roller skates, a flying lobster, The Texas T-Rex playing the chest drums and THIS:
Leo is popping and locking for that Oscar. And if they really want an Oscar, they’ll submit this shit in the documentary category, because this is basically Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s life set in the 90s.
We can all stop wandering aimlessly around the land while wondering to ourselves what has become of this world if Leonardo DiCatchAHo can longer catch a ho, because he must’ve just been having an off day when Cara Delevingne turned his ass down repeatedly. Leo’s still got it. Leo can still get an Angel at his front door just by calling up Victoria’s Secret and saying, “Yeah, send me your latest.“
The NYDN says that for the past week or so, Leo has been seen all over Cannes with a German model whose hair turns green in a chlorinated pool, was 5 when Titanic came out and has worn VS angel wings on a catwalk at least once. Tall, skinny, blonde and barely legal…. That’s the Leo we know! Some source says that Leo and 20-year-old Toni Garrn have only been dating for a week, but “there is definitely chemistry there.”
Chemistry, uh huh. I’m sure Toni Garrn (or as Leo calls her “Gis.. I mean, Bar… I mean, Erin… I mean catalog item # 98787891“) is a nice, sweet girl and everything, but if I dyed one of my ingrown pubic hairs blond, put Angel wings on it and got it into the Victoria’s Secret catalog, Leo would find a way to have “chemistry” with it.
And because I have the crusty
Mondays Tuesdays in my eyes, I read the name “Toni Garrn” as “Teri Garr” and for a second there I was happy, because I was thinking about Leo 69ing with Sandy from Tootsie.
Here’s Leo with Cameron Diaz and Prince Albert at some Tag Heuer party in Monaco the other night. As the days go by, Leo’s looking more and more like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s.
Leonardo DiCaprio used to be able to stroll into any modeling agency in the world, walk up to the wall of pictures, point to any model and say “I’ll take that one, no need to wrap her up!“, and he’d get her. But those days are coming to an end and he got triple-slapped across the face by something called REJECTION when 20-year-old “it” model Cara Delevingne refused to go back to his hotel room with his 38-year-old ass.
Life & Style (via Page Six) says that at a party at Cannes for The Great Gatsby, Leo kept trying and trying and trying and trying to get Cara to give him her time and she did what so many Oscar voters have done for years: she ignored his ass. If only Rose was determined to hold on to Jack’s hand as much as Leo was determined to get Cara onto his peen, the bitch would’ve never let go!
Because the sight of a sad, lonely, ho-loving dog pawing at her feet was trying to ruin her buzz, Cara finally gave him her number. Some source said this:
“Leo kept hitting on her at the ‘Great Gatsby’ bash at Cannes. He even lunged at her at one point, and she dodged him. He was begging her to go back to his hotel room, but she declined. Eventually, [she] gave him her number, but we’re not so sure she’s into him.”
Poor Leo. Somebody just hit the FF button on his transformation into the real-life Don Draper.
Leo should get a little credit, though, because he kept on kept on even after Cara shook her head “fuck no” when he told her that he’s giving her the opportunity to visit the place 35 million models before her have visited. You’d think that hearing no from a chick would’ve made his head explode as his dick spat out a white flag before retiring up into his body for the rest of its life. Leo put a Band-Aid over the bruise on his ego and probably hit on another 20-something model (who probably turned his ass down too).
And here’s some pictures of Cara leaving a yacht (not Leo’s) in Cannes the other day and leaving a party with Wonky McValtrex. Yes, Cara hangs out with Wonky, but turns Leo down. Board up all the windows in Cannes before Leo jumps out of one.
This is what it would look like if Madame Maxime and Hagrid got really drunk and high one night and accidentally drank a potion, which turned her into a soulless, regular-sized Death Eater and him into a gay, beardless giant. What’s even more terrifying are those twin pillars of vomit on Andre Leon Talley’s hooves. ALT probably thought that he was fancying up those dark-sided Lucifer boots by monogramming his initials onto them. Nice try, Gay Hagrid, but a monogrammed pile of nut-embedded hyena shit is still a pile of nut-embedded hyena shit.
Actually, monogramming them is worse, because it’s telling the world that you’re claiming those horrifying boots made from the intestines of Satan’s slaves. If they weren’t monogrammed, ALT could say that the Illuminati kidnapped his entire family and made him spread the evil by wearing those UGGs. I might believe that story. But the fact that his initials are on them tells me that he’s actually proud to wear the Ninth Circle’s boot of choice. I barely even noticed ALT’s purple silk pajama pants and the oversized Christmas tree skirt on his body, which shows you the evil power of UGGs. And Anna Wintour is smirking, which means she’s totally in on it. Evil whores, the both of them.
You better cleanse your screen with holy water wipes as soon as you click away from this mess.
And here’s others at The Great Gatsby premiere in NYC last night. They’re all unholy bitches for not throwing holy water at ALT’s UGGs when they had the chance. In order: Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Carey Mulligan, Isla Fisher, Florence Welch, Tobey Maguire with his wife (the hell kind of toddler church outfit is she wearing?), Baz Luhrmann with Catherine Martin, Jay-Z, Anjelica Huston, Martha Stewart (wearing her favorite sequined capri leggings) and Joel Edgerton.