Jon Hamm And Jennifer Westfeldt Broke Up Because He Needed A “Mother Figure” And Wanted Kids

Now that Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt have told everyone that their 18 year relationship is done, the blame game in the tabloids can begin. This mess is like the basic cable version of Bennifer 2.0. One side claims that Jon Hamm wants babies and Jennifer Westfeldt doesn’t. Do you blame her? Babies are selfish and will cry loudly for food even if you are trying to get drunk while watching Ladies of London. The other side claims that Jon needed a mother figure and Jennifer filled that role by doing everything for him. I can already see you shameless hos winking at that picture while telling Jon to call you mommy.

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The Summer Of Splits Claimed One More

The Summer of Splits has already eaten the relationships of Chavril, Green Fox, RossFani and Bennifer 2.0, and it just had to swallow all that down with some WestHamm.

A couple of months ago, Star Magazine said that Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt’s 18 year love was about as dead as the feeling in her face after she makes her plastic surgeon inject another gallon of Botox and other fillers into her mug. The source said then that Jennifer decided to break up with Jon Hamm, because his obese Hammaconda dick just wasn’t doing it for her anymore and she started talking to a 52-year-old Mexican man she met on SizeQueens.com. No, apparently Jennifer wants kids and Jon doesn’t. A couple of weeks later, that break-up rumor was killed when Jon and Jennifer were seen “canoodling” at a party.

There were also rumors about them splitting up back in April after he got out of rehab. They shat on that rumor too. But it’s really over this time, because they have pulled out a generic break-up statement from their publicist’s folder of generic statements and released it to People:

“With great sadness, we have decided to separate, after 18 years of love and shared history. We will continue to be supportive of each other in every way possible moving forward.”

What’s sort of weird is that they announced this on a holiday in the US. Maybe they did that because they’re hoping nobody will make a big deal about it and move on quickly. Or maybe they released that statement today because one of the tabloids is planning to put out an ESCANDALOSO story about their breakup and they want to get ahead of it. Maybe Jon Hamm is really on trend and they broke up because he fucked the nanny. Before you say that they don’t have kids so they obviously don’t have a nanny, let me ask you this. Who do you think bathes, feeds, burps and grooms the Hammaconda? That’s a full-time job and neither of them have the time for that shit!

Pic: Wenn.com

Jon Hamm And The Hammaconda Are Not Single

Star Magazine said a couple of weeks ago that Jon Hamm and his partner Jennifer Westfeldt were done after 18 years together, because she was sick of getting her cervix stitched back together every other week. No, the source said that they went their separate ways, because she wants kids and he doesn’t. There was also a rumor that he and the Hammaconda have moved on to Sandra Bullock, but I didn’t believe that shit, because I didn’t see any paparazzi pictures of her being pushed around in a wheelchair due to not being able to walk. But well, either Jon and Jennifer never broke up or they got back together, because a witness type tells Page Six that they were “canoodling” at the after-party for Wet Hot American Summer: First Day of Camp.

“They were canoodling all night,” said our spy at the Standard Biergarten. “It certainly looked like they were very much together.”

As the pair got cozy, Hamm’s “Wet Hot” co-star Amy Poehler was “dancing and sweating profusely,” a witness said, along with “also sweaty” Judd Apatow. Who can blame them?

That source ruined it. Did I really need the image of sweat flying off of Judd Apatow’s face as he dropped it low to the beat?

So that’s that. If you’ve been spending many a night in the middle of the forest with your legs spread wide open and a warthog in front of your crotch, hoping that the Hammaconda will sniff it out and take the bait, stop doing that. The Hammaconda is probably busy with Jennifer Westfeldt for now, and besides, you may attract Khlozilla instead.

Jon Hamm And The Hammaconda Are Single, So Says Star Magazine

If Star Magazine is right, then Jennifer Westfeldt will soon be seen at her local grocery store bursting into a melancholy tsunami of tears after seeing a white eggplant.

Jennifer Westfeldt and The Hammaconda’s human Jon Hamm got together long before Mad Men and I thought they were going to Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell it by being together forever without getting married. But well, a source tells Star that Jennifer and Jon are done after over 16 years together. If the Hammaconda needs a no-no to cry on, it knows where to find me….and the millions of other no-nos who want to console it during this sad time. We’ll all be waiting in the line marked “no-nos for the Hammaconda to cry on.”

If you believe the blind items, then you probably think that they broke up, because he has a lot of dick meat to give and wants to share it with the world, and she wasn’t into that. However, Star’s source says that they want different things. Jennifer wants a baby and Jon, who got out of rehab in March, doesn’t. I’m guessing that Jon doesn’t want a baby because he already has to take care of a giant living thing that lives on his crotch, has to be fed fresh mice all the time and snores so loud it wakes him up. The source said this about the supposed end of HammWest:

“The relationship just ran its course. Jennifer realized that she and Jon don’t want the same things. So they agreed that it was time to take a step back.”

This is coming from Star, so who knows. I won’t believe it until someone shows me Jennifer Westfeldt’s profile on SizeMinded.com. Yes, there’s a dating website for big dick havers and the size queens who admire them. No, I don’t have a profile on there. Anymore.

Pic: Splash