I was kind of hoping that Bruce Jenner would publicly debut “Her” at the end of the Balmain fashion show in Paris while stomping to Khia’s “Been The Shit” in a red satin fuckme dress and exquisite Lucite heels. But that’s not how the unveiling of “Her” is going to happen.
TMZ, People, UsWeekly and a million others who somehow got the news at the same time (So I guess Pimp Mama Kris is still his manager after all) say that Bruce Jenner will present his true identity he refers to as “Her” on the summer cover of Vanity Fair. The cover and shoot will be shot by Annie Leibovitz. Bruce’s issue is expected to come out around the same time as the debut of the E! reality show that documents his transition.
While Kim Kartrashian has been on the cover of Vogue (“Don’t remind us.” – humanity), she has never been on the cover of Vanity Fair. Yes, Bruce! Outsell, Kummy Kakes and show her how to really break the internet.
You Knew This Was Koming: Pimp Mama Kris Makes Bruce Jenner’s Transition All About Her In An E! Special
Pimp Mama Kris and her main money-making whores, the KKKs, had no comment for ABC News when they were asked to give one for Bruce Jenner’s big 2-hour coming out party. Kendall™ and Kylie™ spit out a joint statement into ABC News’ hands. PMK, her KKKs and Black Sheep Kartrashian (aka Rob) eventually tweeted words of support for Bruce the night of his interview, but there’s no way they’d miss out on an opportunity to get a whole lot of ratings and attention by pimping out their feelings in a special for E!. Pimp Mama Kris didn’t disappoint us or the shameless fame whores who look to her for inspiration.
Today, E! shat out a clip from an upcoming 2-part special called Keeping Up With The Kardashians: About Bruce (more like “Krapping Up The Kartrashians: About Bruce But Mostly About Us Us Us Us”). Bruce Jenner told Diane Sawyer that he was on female hormones when he hooked up with PMK and she knew about his transition. But in the clip, PMK acts like this is brand new information to her while Kim Kartrashian says the scripted lines that were written for her. When Kummy Kakes tells PMK to let go, PMK really goes for that Emmy by squirting out krocodile tears.
E! said in a press release that every single member of the family (except for Kanye and Rob) will each talk about Bruce’s transition. Bruce executive produced the special, which will splatter against TV screens in a couple of weeks, and he hopes it will help “other families experiencing the same thing.” PMK said in the same release (no, she didn’t) that she hopes the special will “help her family get even more richer and famous.”
What’s most surprising is that this special is coming out weeks after Bruce’s big interview. Pimp Mama Kris’ pimp game is slipping! I would’ve guessed that she would’ve tried to shift the spotlight back to her from Bruce Jenner by airing this special right after his interview. For shame! But you know, it probably wasn’t her fault. The special effects team probably needed some time to add in those CGI tears. I mean, I’m pretty sure PMK can’t cry actual tears anymore, because she had her tear ducts filled with Botox and the souls of her victims a long, long time ago.
And here’s some pictures of PMK and Kendall™ landing in NYC for the Met Gala tonight as well as pictures of Kendall™ and Scott Disick having lunch with George Hamilton (???) and Gigi Hadid’s father last week.
During Diane Sawyer’s interview with Bruce Jenner last week, she told us that he couldn’t talk about that fatal car crash on PCH with her, because the investigation is still ongoing. What she meant is, the investigation is still ongoing and he can’t open up his mouth about it, because he’s about to get sued.
TMZ says that the 2 stepchildren of Kim Howe, the woman who died in the accident, have thrown a wrongful death lawsuit at Bruce Jenner. They accuse Bruce of being “careless and negligent” when he slammed his Escalade into the back of Kim Howe’s Lexus, causing her to shoot into the opposite lane where a Hummer hit her head on. Apparently, the LAPD has video from a passing MTA bus that proves that Bruce was in the wrong. The video reportedly shows Bruce not really paying attention before he hit Kim’s car.
Kim’s stepchildren, who are grown, claim in the lawsuit that Bruce was speeding. Some “law enforcement source” told TMZ that he was actually driving under the speed limit, not over it.
The lawsuit is a little side-eye-worthy, because Kim’s stepchildren claim they are suffering from loss of affection from losing their stepmother. But friends of Kim say that the stepchildren don’t live in California and her relationship with them was just like Pimp Mama Kris’ grasp on reality: non-existent. They had no relationship with Kim. Kim had no living relatives at the time of her death, so her stepchildren are the only ones who have a legal right to sue. In her will, she left everything to charity and a whole lot of nothing to her stepkids.
The Sheriff’s Department is still putting their Detective La Toya-brand magnifying glasses over all the evidence they have and they’ll hand the case over to the D.A. when they’re done. TMZ doesn’t think prosecutors will file any charges against Bruce.
I guess Bruce isn’t taking business advice from PMK anymore. Because she would’ve told him to legally change his name to his female name before those stepkids filed a lawsuit. That way when process servers knocked on the door to deliver the lawsuit, Bruce could say, “Bruce Jenner who? Never heard of him,” before slamming that shit shut.
And here’s Bruce’s ex-stepdaughter Kim Kartrashian wearing a totally flattering granny bathing suit tuxedo thing outside of Jimmy Kimmel Live yesterday.
I know this is a paused-at-the-right moment picture, but I like to think it’s also the same face Kim Kardashian makes whenever her kurrent husband Kanye West starts into a 2-hour long rant about fashion or she’s forced to remember anything about North West besides her best angle for a pap photo.
Not to be outdone by all the attention her step-father Bruce Jenner received over the weekend, Kim Kardashian made an appearance on the TODAY show this morning to talk about how she and the rest of the koven are handling things ever since Bruce publicly came out as transgender. Kim, who sounded a bit like a delayed Fisher-Price See n’ Say, told Matt Lauer that she and her family supports him 100%, but that their family is still taking time to adjust. She also says there have been hundreds of family meetings (which I’m sure they referred to as a selfie break) with “every emotion you could possibly imagine.” She then added (she didn’t, but go with me on this one) “…emotions such as drowsiness, boredom, lethargy, indifference – all shown through a wide variety of paralyzed facial expressions, like a dead-eyed fish-mouth or…dead-eyed fish-mouth.”
Damn, those hard-core attention enthusiasts couldn’t resist yanking the spotlight away Bruce, even for a couple minutes. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before she and the rest of her family take it one step further by announcing several new E! shows, like Keeping Up With The Kardashians As They Keep Up With Bruce and Kim & Khloe Take Bruce’s Transition Very Seriously.
In “faces you forgot existed” news, Kris Humphries, one of the Geico cavemen’s slower cousins whose marriage to Kim Kartrashian lasted about as long as a pussy sneeze, watched Bruce Jenner’s big coming out last night and had something to say about it.
Many people pulled out their pitchforks and were ready to drag the Shrek version of Taylor Lautner, because they thought he was yanking at Bruce Jenner’s main. (Pro tip: If you want to destroy Kris Humphries. You don’t need to use a weapon. Just ask him to divide 4 into 12 and watch as his head slowly explodes.) But I didn’t take it as a Bruce dig. I took his tweet as a Kuntrashian dig.
After the Internet tore him a new one, he tried to clear shit up:
I think the real story here is that this pube-brained douche used the word “hence in a tweet and didn’t use any emojis. I would be offended over something Kim Kartrashian’s second husband of five seconds said, but I’m too busy being offended and disgusted over my nearest Starbucks being all out of old-fashioned donuts this morning. Now that is some shit to start a petition for.
And here’s Kummy Kakes looking like an alien cult leader at Variety’s Power of Women luncheon in NYC yesterday.
During Diane Sawyer’s 2-hour long conversation with Bruce Jenner, which was watched by nearly 17 million pairs of eyeballs (you can watch it here if your ass missed it), she said that it would be his last interview as Bruce Jenner. Since she said that, I was hoping that he’d tell us what his new name is. The tabloids have said that his new name is Belinda. But I’m hoping that it’s either Concepcion (because this world desperately needs a famous type named Concepcion) or Kriscangotohella Jenner. Bruce didn’t say what his new name is, because he thinks the media will go crazy with it. Maybe he’s saving that info for his new E! reality show, which is happening and will air this summer.